Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Too Little, Too Late...part 5

Purg, as hard as it seems, try to control your thoughts. Don't let your mind go crazy thinking about what they could have been doing. You know about OW already and you're still committed to saving your marriage, so whatever he may be doing is irrelevant right now. I know it's hard, but don't say anything to him. Just vent to us.

I know it is not going to be easy to leave your babies for 2 weeks, but they will be ok. Even if H will have OW do "the hard work", you know that they will be taken care of. You'll just have to remind yourself that.

Your H is getting nervous about being "alone" with the kids, so expect him to say things or act a certain way. Don't take it personally. Focus on yourself and remember to remain "zen". You can do it!

I don't know what I would do without the support from this site!!! I wish I could hug every one of you....so.... (((((((((((((((((((((((((from purg))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My mind seems to be all over the place tonight. I can't seem to get out from under this cloud that has taken up residence in me today. I went out tonight- nothing fancy just ran some errands (without the kids- so it feels like a treat!), did a little shopping, got lost in a different part of town.... All the while, random thoughts keep running through my head:
*I am still really mad/hurt by exBFF for what she is doing to my family. I hope that it's all worth it- losing me as her friend, making it uncomfortable to be around my goddaughter (S16 is the one who really suffers there).
*I wonder if they even notice that I'm not there when everyone gets together. Was I always that invisible?
*How can H and exBFF be so cruel to me? They both used to care about me... how does that just disappear??
*I'm sad. For many reasons.
*I'm going to miss my babies, but I really need to take this trip away from everything so I can try to compose my emotions.

All the music in EVERY store and in my care was about love, lost love, new love, blah, blah, blah.... didn't help my mindset tonight.

I came home, and H was getting out of the shower, he didn't expect me home so he only has shorts on- THAT was really hard for me to see. I've been desperate for affection of any kind- and my mind starting racing with things I wanted to do and wondering if he would stop me.... I managed to contain myself.

That's another thing... I know that he has cut himself off emotionally, but how can there be no desire for anything physical from him?? (getting into a touchy subject here) I personally could really use him as a friend with benefits right now, I NEVER thought I would be able to consider something like that...but then again, I never thought I would be in this type of sitch with my H either. **Physical stuff was an issue in the M. After our first S, I hardly initiated, and could honestly take it or leave it. H took it personally and started to develop self-confidence issues. Lord knows I would love to do a 180 on this issue right now!! But that's not possible since he has shut down from me.... how will H EVER KNOW that I've worked out *those* demons and that it wouldn't be an issue in a new R???

Like I said, my brain is all over the place. I really wish it would stop and find something positive to land on. I've tried getting excited about my trip and all the family I'm going to see... but then I'm reminded of *the reason* I'm going on my trip. Will H notice my absence? Will I be missed for more than house chores?

I hate the nights where the negative's creep back in.

You are doing so good. Isnt it crazy how all songs are about love.

I dont know why I think this and I could very well be wrong but I think you should offer to make your trip 7 or 10 days. I think your H is going to use you going away for 2 weeks as something to unite with other woman. I think if you extend an olive branch of maybe shorting the trip slightly it will prevent him from using it against you. I also think the compromise would surprise him which is always good.

What your former BFF is doing is a sin. It is not your job to offer her forgiveness.

Dont let the anger consume you. Have you made to an Alanon meeting??

bklyn- I haven't made it to a meeting yet, I'm promising myself to start going on a regular basis when I get back from FL. I did read a few of the Alanon related books, and I really like the one "Discovering Choices", it's very similar to DB principles. I already located the closet meeting and it happens to fall on one of my 'nights off' so it should be easy to start going... the only bad thing is that it's blocks away from OW's house- the temptation to do a drive by and slash her tires might become too great!!

I like your idea about shortening my trip- I honestly hadn't considered that. I do see how this would be a pleasant shock to him. Should I tell him before I leave, or while I'm away, tell him I've decided to come home early? Honestly, I really want to avoid being here for Valentines- too hard to deal with not honoring it with H and know that he's possibly 'honoring' it with OW... for some reason, being safe at my parent's house in another state, and having the ability to cry all day if I choose- seems like the best option for me right now.

Taking an example from Ces67: I'm going to list some positives... even the super small ones! I'm trying to get myself in a better state of mind....

In 2 months since the bomb:
* H still has his wedding ring on his keychain, it was put there the day of the bomb. I see this as positive because he has to see it everyday, and I've even seen him playing with it when he's holding his keys... better than being in a drawer somewhere.
* H still wanted to come to the house whenever he wanted- so much so- that I had to create a boundary.
* ALL of his things are still at the house AND all his clothes are still in his dresser and closet.
* H sleeps in the marital bedroom with the baby when he is here on his nights- he could have chosen to sleep in the guest room and move the baby in there. (I sleep in the guest room on his nights)... I make sure that the sheets smell like my perfume so he'll have some sweet dreams
* H doesn't always avoid me. When there's not an event to run off to- he will initiate chats. He also has no problem being in close proximity to me- like when we are moving around in the kitchen [it's SOOOOO tempting for me to grab him and kiss him!!]
* H still asks about my plans- but he thinks he's sneaky about it: "So, are you going out tonight or staying at the house?" "I didn't expect that you would be home at this time, everything ok?" "Got big plans for your night off?".... Sometimes I respond with a joke- "yeah, the club closed early", other times I just shrug it off or change subjects.
* H said a month ago, that he was in no rush to get papers signed, then after Xmas and OW, he seemed inspired to get them together. BUT, *I* am the one who has a L, and the one who has made changes to the papers... H has seen three Ls and can't commit to one, AND he has the papers in his possession and isn't doing anything with them.
* Last weekend, he CHOSE to stay here at the house, even though it was his 'weekend off' from the kids. He asked if I was handling things ok and mentioned that I was being nicer to him (but he interpreted that as me 'getting the wrong idea')... but he's still curious enough to initiate the questions.


We have a MC session tomorrow, we regularly check-in once a month. C doesn't know about OW or me leaving town- so it could get VERY interesting in her office!! At our last session, H had again mentioned that he had no intention of dating at that time- so this whole new OW sitch will come at quite a shock to her!!

Purg - It is really good that you have a list of positives. You might want to consider printing them off and posting them somewhere where you can review them when the days ahead get tough.

I wish my W would reach out and hug and kiss me. I so need to feel loved. I guess we all do though, don't we?

Good luck with the MC session. Try to be the best cool, calm and collected Purgatory possible!!

((((((purg))))))

go! enjoy your time w/ your family and be with the people that love you!!! i had a complete emotional meltdown last week. i really felt like i just couldn't do it anymore. so much hurt and anger..

and then my mom came and spent the night with me (i think they were really worried and thought i might need to be checked in to hospital at that point). honestly.. just having someone there while i cried my heart out.. telling me i needed to be strong.. watching movies on the couch w/ me.. eating snacks.. the next morning, it was the first morning where i didn't feel like everything was empty and dark. i believe getting that unconditional love from your family right now is going to do you a world of good.

take the time you need. whether it be 7 days or 14 days. whatever you need to regain strength to carry on. if you don't take adequate time to heal yourself.. it will take that much less to feel knocked down again.

i thought of a new ride.. the MLC house of horrors.. where the OP jumps out like scary characters.. you see scary scenes of all the weird things they get up to.. all the lies whispered through the speakers..

Re: FWB thing? Please don't do it!!

I don't really and truly know you IRL, but I would say it will mess with your head something BIG time.

BUT: since this was an issue for you guys in the past, a 180 would be demonstrating desire/initiating, correct?

I wish there was a way you could do that *without* the full-monty. But I think all of it would be persuing. And another worry is, if he is truly detached from you in that manner *for now!!* and is in a bit of an A fog, then maybe it might come across kind of...unwelcomed too.

It's a gamble.

But I wonder how far a "Good god. *gulp* YOU look amazing. I miss ML to you so much" and walking away would go. Would it be horrible? Would it be good?

2TP: Good idea about keep in the positives on close contact so I can remind myself when I start to get negative again.

BF: I AM looking forward to being around people who love me. It will be nice to get a hug from someone who genuinely means it.

111: I know the FWB thing is a dangerous road to walk down... I don't want to risk any progress I've already made. You are absolutely right that any attempt at mentioning it or making a move would probably be unwelcomed, and I would be setting myself up for rejection.... can't deal with that! I do like your 'sexy' statement... maybe that could be my final thing I say as I get in the cat to leave for my trip?! That would leave an impression

Journal:
Getting myself packed up for my 2 week trip. It's bittersweet: I'm excited to have some fun and see my family, but I don't like the *reason* I'm going.

Is this weird? :: I haven't worn my wedding band since OW was discovered. Mostly because I didn't want H to think that I was still 'holding on' or 'trying'. I wanted him to believe that I'm moving on (it's becoming more true every day.) But now that I'm leaving town, I want to put it back on. I still *feel* married, and I want to represent that- I know a person doesn't need a ring to act married. I've always wanted to wear it, and I feel safe doing it while he won't see... is that wrong of me? I've heard of some people saying that the WAS still wears their rings- I feel like they have a bit more control over expressing their level of 'being married' to the rest of the world- but for the LBS, we are supposed to accept and move on, and if we still wear our rings, isn't that a conflicting message?

Mind ramblings as I pack up my life for two weeks

I've thought many times about taking my ring off as it just doesn't seem like a marriage. It would definitely send a statement, just not sure its the one I want. That's just me though. enjoy your trip. I'm heading to see my family next week for a few days and am looking forward to it as well, regardless of the circumstances.