So I approached this MC session with an odd mixture of fear and optimism. Based on my W's actions and statements (mostly text and e-mail) I had a small glimmer of hope that she was having second thoughts - but did NOT want to believe it because I did not want to get built up and come crashing down again.
During the session, the MC asked W about what she was feeling. W mentioned she was having "regrets". MC asked her to expand on that a bit and wife said (holding back tears) that she often asks herself "was he that bad?" "Maybe I could have lived with him", "did I do everything I could before I got here?". I was stunned....stunned. It also was clear that she was very confused about my feelings towards her. She mentioned that I would always text her and mention that I missed the baby - but never mentioned anything about missing her. I was thinking to myself "I never DIDN'T miss you". I told her that I never said that to her because I did not want to pursue, and wanted to give her space to assert her independence. After talking with the folks on this board, I realized that doing that was key (Sandi2's 37 rules were unbelievably valuable). She read it as me "not caring". So odd that two people could be that off base in the interpretation of actions. She once told me that she did want to talk about anything with me except the baby and the divorce. I respected that.
It was also clear that she was angry. Angry and frustrated that she was starting at square one again in her life with so little. Angry that every time she got the baby back she felt like she had to reintroduce herself to him and wait for him to get comfortable with her (I never knew ANY of this). True to form as the book says - it was a not-so-great escape. I never knew anything about the other side of the sword that she was feeling....or if she was feeling it at all. Sandi, 25, you both said she was.....and you were right. To put it simply, as time went on I think she really began to not enjoy the new life as much.....or at least not like some of the things that came along with it.
I listened, mostly. But I did finally tell her that I DO miss her, and that I do NOT want to carry on my life with someone that is not HER. I told her that I do have regrets about my actions and the things that I didn't see. I said that there is a long list of things that I would do differently if I had a chance to do so. I also look her right in the eyes and apologized for spending so much time assuming that SHE has a problem....talking to her OB/GYN, etc. - I told her that I should have spent that time working on me. I said that I wished I could take who I am NOW back 4 months and approach her moving out and wanting a divorce with what I know....how I feel. I think the apology helped. I again reiterated that my pulling back wasn't because I didn't care - but because I wanted to give her space and time.....I let her know that there were times that I had to sit on my hands because I wanted to reach out to her so badly, to help.....but I stayed the DB course.
It was becoming obvious in the session that she did not want to be done, but at the same time (as she mentioned in the previous session) she was fearful that this was some temporary ruse on my part. I validated her by saying that I understood her fear and skepticism about my changes. I told her (as is often said on this board) that I acted my way into this, and I can't talk/write my way out. I will let my actions speak.
The MC said at this stage, we should take it slow....feel each other out. So I guess it is safe to say that I am kinda dating my wife right now. I am OK with that....in fact, I am somewhat excited about it. The possibility of a fresh start and and new, better chapter makes me feel great. We are going to make plans soon to do something together.....comedy club, movie (as was suggested on this board) that will allow us to ENJOY something together without a lot of awkward or forced conversation between us. Good idea. Though, after the session - me, w and s all met for dinner at an Italian place by our house. It was great. It really felt like I was on a date with the "girl I had a huge crush on".
She talked about her new job, the people she has met, the students she works with. I told her about all the cool new stuff I have going on with my job and a few other things. And, of course, we both talked about our times with our son. He was a little hyper....maybe he was just happy to see us both together. I can't tell you how great it felt to hear about her life again.
We exchanged a few things in the parking lot, I kissed our son good-bye and that was it. I drove home happy. If we are dating, I am fine with her having her own place for awhile....in fact, I prefer it. It sorta makes it more fun in a way.
I am not out of the woods, but I can finally see the light starting open up at the end of the trail. I hope I can make it there....slowly, but surely. I will say this - listen to the people on this board and don't give up until YOU think it's time. It appears divorce busting just might have worked in my case. Or at a bare minimum it CERTAINLY has carried me farther in a positive direction than I EVER would have made if left to my own, foolish ideas. I am still striving for that moment when my W and I are "OK" again - but I think we are on our way to getting there.
Tonight, I am going to text her and tell her I miss my son....and her.
