Fellow DBers, as my temporary-arrangements court hearing approaches next week, I find myself wrestling over and over with issues that have come up since my W and I S. I am asking for your thoughts (I know there are no silver bullets, I am simply looking for feedback/other perspectives):
-W says I have made significant changes and if I had made them a year ago she wouldn't have filed but now it's too late. -W says she doesn't trust that my changes will continue but doesn't want to put the D on hold for a few months to find out. -W says she gave the old me too many chances, concedes that she hasn't given the new me any chances but will not. -W says she is "over" my mistakes of the past but any time the M comes up she brings up the past. -W says she does not want to take the risk of losing any more of her life to a bad M but acknowledges that things between us have never been better. (IMO, this line of thinking is our biggest obstacle to reconciliation.)
Recently, I have made my best showing at avoiding M/R talk. In my mind I accepting that I will be a single dad and I am practing that. My guess is that next week's court hearing will prompt some R conversation but I do not know.
Thanks in advance to anyone willing to share your thoughts.
Your W might even tell you that you are in denial, if you don't agree the M is over. And some here would even say, the old M should be over, to make room for any possible new M...
It is just as important to understand that your W is also in denial... she denies that there is any possibility that the two of you could work things out and rebuild the M. It is also possible that she denies any responsibility in the break down of your M. She might outwardly say she does, but if she did, she'd be working on the parts that were her responsibility... and YOU WOULD NOTICE...
Do you feel progress in detaching? Do you feel you could have an unemotional conversation with your W in regards to D proceedings? Could you "hang" with your W in a social setting, without feeling anxious and unable to remove your focus off her?
Keep up the LRT and keep working on yourself. Your W is suggesting that she is noticing your changes. This is positive! It will more than likely take more time than you'd hoped, for her to begin to change her mind and start seriously examining her choice...
It is just as important to understand that your W is also in denial... she denies that there is any possibility that the two of you could work things out and rebuild the M.
KD, this is well put and describes our situation very well. My question is, other than continue to work as hard as I can to continue to demonstrate my changes, what can I do to get her to take another look at the M? (Think I already know the answer: nothing. :()
Yes, I feel progress in detaching. I haven't mentioned the M/R in any way all week. W even gave me the opportunity to discuss my feelings yesterday and I passed. (She already knows them.)
When my W writes someone off she gets cold and clinical. She is doing that to me now in a big way. The more she does it the more distant the M or any chance of reconciliation seems. So, it's getting easier to think about discussing the D unemotionally.
We have done a few things socially and they have been cordial. It is getting easier not to focus on us and to think of myself as a single father, actually thought about her as my ex for the first time yesterday.
You're right that it will take more time than I had hoped, much more (if it happens at all). I am willing to hang in there and keep working on myself. All I want is her to think about her choice in light of the man I am, not the man I was. My biggest concern is that she is pushimg the D process so hard and so focused on the D process that she will not consider giving us any time to get to know each other as the people we are now.
Update: Bad news, Boss told me promotion is on hold while D is pending. Boss said promotion requires a retraining course and an employee going through a D is too distracted to focus on new work. He was very cool about it and left the door open--not sure if he is going to fill the position. W is very upset about this development and upset at me for telling the boss about the D. (She says it represents another failure on my part.) W had told me a few days ago that she is VERY ANGRY at me for my past failure to take care of her financially and that she thought I would be a better provider when we got M and that the promotion was a step in the direction of establishing those things. I asked her if getting new work was a condition to reconciliation and she said no.
Recent backslide: W has been telling me for a few weeks that she is "thinking about things." Wasn't sure what that meant so I finally asked if one of those things included reconciliation and W said "everything" rather than "yes," which I find a strange, non-commital response.
Here's what I'm asking from the forum: W told me you have changed but so have I, I don't know the new you. My response: why don't we take some time to get to know each other. That inevitably leads to her saying that she doesn't trust me and doesn't trust that I won't return to my old ways and that she is very angry that it took her filing for D/so long to make changes. IMO, then why doesn't she just tell me that there is no chance for us? (B/c she is still wrestling with it?) Does anyone have any suggestion of what I should be/should not be saying to my W? Thanks. I feel like I'm in limbo.
Here's what I'm asking from the forum: W told me you have changed but so have I, I don't know the new you. My response: why don't we take some time to get to know each other. That inevitably leads to her saying that she doesn't trust me and doesn't trust that I won't return to my old ways and that she is very angry that it took her filing for D/so long to make changes. IMO, then why doesn't she just tell me that there is no chance for us? (B/c she is still wrestling with it?) Does anyone have any suggestion of what I should be/should not be saying to my W? Thanks. I feel like I'm in limbo.
James- I don't have advice to give you as I'm in the same boat as you, except that H hasn't filed for D yet. But he's been saying the same things to me: H doesn't trust me, I will return to my old ways, it took so long for me to realize things, etc." Except, my H actually did tell me that "there is no chance for us" and that "we're incompatible, don't know each other anymore, etc."
The only thing that I can say is what I've been told: "Don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do". It seems that your W is still confused and angry. As long as she's angry, she MUST care about you.
Sorry to hear about the hold on your promotion. Do you think your W is upset because she was hoping for a bigger share of your $$? Or more about you telling your boss, which makes her look like the "bad person"? Because you know, the WAS/WAW is NEVER at fault and is the victim here.
Keep making the changes, but make them for yourself, and be consistent!
When my W writes someone off she gets cold and clinical. She is doing that to me now in a big way. The more she does it the more distant the M or any chance of reconciliation seems.
^^^Yeah I got the exact same reaction. Do the two of you still live together? She has already filed for D? Sorry too lazy to go back on old threads:)
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Thank you, NHM. She didn't say why she was upset. It could be because she saw the promotion as a way to get a bigger share of through the D, it may be because it would have "solved" a lot of our financial problems, and/or it may be because she thought it was not necessary to say anything to the boss and that I had sabotagued the job by saying something. Not knowing her motivation is why I asked her if getting a new job was a condition to reconciliation, because I'm willing to get another job if that's what it takes (something I've told her).
We still live together but are going to court this week for a temporary arrangements hearing for the court to tell us how things will look going forward. (Yes, my W has filed for D.)
Thanks James. Lol - guess I could have read the title of your thread. Hate that we cannot edit.
I had a selfish motivation for asking. We live apart and she is filing this week. I got the same thing last week - she does not buy my changes. Like 25 and the others preach: consistant change and sufficient time = change she can believe.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Here's what I'm asking from the forum: W told me you have changed but so have I, I don't know the new you. My response: why don't we take some time to get to know each other. That inevitably leads to her saying that she doesn't trust me and doesn't trust that I won't return to my old ways and that she is very angry that it took her filing for D/so long to make changes. IMO, then why doesn't she just tell me that there is no chance for us? (B/c she is still wrestling with it?) Does anyone have any suggestion of what I should be/should not be saying to my W? Thanks. I feel like I'm in limbo.
Hey James...
I'm not so sure that you should be saying much at all.
The reason that I say that, is that there have been quite a few talks about this already, and you keep getting the same answers to the same questions.
Insanity has been defined as doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.
I think that now would be a good time to just listen and validate her concerns. And you should be doing that with open ears, while sipping on a nice , big , cool glass of STFU......
If she isn't sure, that is a good thing. Yet every time you have this conversation, you are actually driving HER points home even harder than they were before.
You are still offering YOUR solutions, to HER problems.
What she sees, is that you are still trying to get your way, instead of loving her enough to let her be herself.
You only stay in limbo as long as you allow yourself to stay there.
Focusing on what she is doing or not doing is what is keeping you stuck in the quicksand.
So let me ask you something to keep your brain engaged in something other than her....
What are YOUR goals, for you, not the relationship.....YOU ???
What do you envision your life looking like in the future ?
