Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My story, need help before I mess everything up.

Again, it is not MLC. Your W's entire life has been one trauma after another and her current state is a result of all that built up unresolved issues. MLC is a 'perceived' need that something was lost in life and they are trying to regain it.

"I believe there have been 2 triggers of her Father dying almost 3 years ago which she has never got over and going back to work full time 1 1/2 years ago instead of being a stay at home Mum."

No this started way before when she first moved in with you when you were kids. No child should have to go through that trauma.

"are you saying that I have to fight against her beliefs that are stronger than some other peoples and that to prove I've changed will take longer for her to truly believe?"

No. I'm saying that you have to find a way to change her beliefs. That's why validation in DBing is important. Fighting her is telling her she's wrong. Changing her is saying things like 'I see why you would think that way". Rather than battering her defenses which is just going to make her fortify them more, seek weaknesses around it.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm not disagreeing with you, just trying to put across more evidence. For me something doesn't quite ring true about it being an MLC either.



I agree with that, but why all of the sudden come out now? Not anytime say in the last 5 - 10 years.



My answer to that would be she all of the sudden has a NEED to start driving I have even offered to pay for driving lessons for years and bought her 2 cars to encourage her, but apparently she thinks I was always against her driving. Also when she started her new job she started going out with workfriends who are 10 - 15 years younger than her and she said that she believes I always held her back from that and in her words " I realised what I was missing out on in life and I don't want to die not having that" When I was living at home over xmas it was like living with a rebellious teenager.

"I believe there have been 2 triggers of her Father dying almost 3 years ago which she has never got over and going back to work full time 1 1/2 years ago instead of being a stay at home Mum."



Agreed completely.

"are you saying that I have to fight against her beliefs that are stronger than some other peoples and that to prove I've changed will take longer for her to truly believe?"



Sorry, poor choice of words by me. I meant fight as in battle with 180s, DBing etc etc rather than argue, point out negatives, be critical etc.

Ok guys, need somebody with a 2x4!!!

Just got back from taking the kids home, my wife has had her hair cut in a different style and it looks fantastic. In the past whenever she had had her cut it was always a shock to me and took me a while to come round to it and loved it after that initial 'shock'. Tonight, (fortunetly the kids had told me about it before we went round) I said it looked fantastic and it made her look thinner so I did well there, it didn't get a reaction from her but I know it was the right thing to say. I was sincere because it did look fantastic and I really do like it so 1 good 180.

Now the 2x4 bit, she asked me to look after the kids on Friday as she has been asked out by her work friend, who is male (I'm 99.99% sure this is just a friend and they will meet up with other people when they're out). In the past I've been very jealous and very questioning. The trouble is with our marriage situation at the moment and the whole Nick situation my trust in her is very very low. I managed to not react as much as I had done in the past and it wasn't so obvious I was troubled. But I think she would of got some impression I wasn't completely happy. I know I can't control her and I know it's upto her but I just can't get over my fears that she might meet someone or do something silly (shes not the sort but the fear is still there). Interestingly she had been asked out because it was said that she really needed a night out, so maybe shes not enjoying being on her own as much as she thought!

The exact dates don't matter, but the history speaks for itself. You said she suffered from post-natal depression. That could have pushed alot of what was underneath to the surface.

Right now she's going out with these men because she wants validation. She wants to be told (by someone else) how good she looks, how confident she is, etc. because right now she doesn't believe it when it comes from you.

"Interestingly she had been asked out because it was said that she really needed a night out, so maybe shes not enjoying being on her own as much as she thought!"

You're mindreading. First thing you need to do is to stop that. Concentrate on yourself. When she said that she wanted to go out on Friday, you should have mentioned you already had plans.

Yep, she made a point of how everyone at work said it looked great and even customers who have seen her before have said it was great.

You know her better than anyone else. How can you validate her?

By telling her with sincerity, which is what I did, looking back she's told me all the answers by complaining and nagging.

Still need help with her going out, I know this is a big 180 I need to do but is literally akin to somebody having an over the top irrational fear of flying. I know I need proper professional help with it and am getting that starting next week.

OK I need to get the following out of my head...

Today I've been really struggling I've been so down, I'm fed up of life (not going to do anything stupid). I've been reading through Crimsons thread today and the similarities of what he's been going through are amazing. I too loved my wife and kids the best way I could, I thought I was doing everything right, I provided security, a roof over their head, food on the table and prided myself on being reliable and dependable. Don't get me wrong I've made many mistakes too but looking back I thought as long as the basics were covered we'd be alright. I worked myself to the bone and even though I thought the M wasn't the best I thought once the kids got a little older things would get better. We would have more time on our own, I'd relax more and wouldn't get so stressed at the kids.

Many years ago when my wife went through her deep depression I also had those ILYBINILWY feelings but I hung in there for our marriage and our R and S.

I feel so betrayed, trust has been broken, being taken for a mug that I was just working my a$$ off for nothing and used. I feel like literally I've been tortured and my heart well and truly broken with a great big industrial jackhammer.

For many years my W was dependent on me and was totally happy but since she went back to work shes become more and more distant and independent. Trouble is I haven't recognised that and been able to let her go and realise that she has changed a lot, I'm so used to her depending on me and truth be told I really really liked that as it made me feel wanted which with my FOO issues is really important.

I truly love her and my kids with all my heart and soul and it feels so unfair, the situation I'm in and the injustice of it all. When I married, I married for life, till death do us part I guess thats why we didn't marry till 4 years ago until I was absolutely certain this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I just never ever ever dreamed she would break our marriage vows and I truly believed I was lucky we were together and that my lonely childhood was to pay for my amazing W.

I've tried to reach out to her many times, to hold her hand, to cuddle her, to kiss her over the last couple of years ( not the last 3 months) and have just been pushed away all the rubbish shes been saying I haven't been doing.

I'm just so ******* fed up of the whole situation.

OK I think, I feel a bit better now.

A question for you guys which I really would appreciate a few answers to. It's been 7 weeks since I gave my W the ultimatum of him or me would she still be very angry with me? and would she still be in the 'affair fog'?

"would she still be very angry with me?"

Only she knows the answer to that one.

"and would she still be in the 'affair fog'?"

'Fog' is a relative term. If she's still going out with the guy and hasn't given you any apologies or shown any remorse, then she doesn't want the R with you.

For the Friday thing...do you want to hang out with your kids? Then do so. Take them out and show them the time of their lives. Something different that your W would have objected to in the past.

Don't think of it as a strategy. Go out and have fun.