Why has she turned her back on God? How do you know she has? Is God only found in church? Maybe she's actually closer to god and doesn't need a church as a go between.
hmmmm. She may not have turned her back to GOD so to speak but she no longer goes to church to hear the lords word. You don't go from Sunday school teacher to totally not going overnight. I know why she is not going GUILT! She knows if she went and heard the messages it would eat at her cause she knows darn well this is unacceptable in the eyes of GOD.
I realize she made up her mind 9 months ago that it will never work etc. Blah, Blah, Blah, 17 years what do you get? Not even a chance that's what. No she admitts she never told me how she felt. Was there a sign maybe but I'm also not a mind reader if that were the case I wouldn't be here right now.
I have accepted where we are she's been having her cake and eating it too. Well that stops now. We will be friends if things don't work out of course we will. (But right now she doesn't need to know that) it's time for some tuff love so to speak. I have never been an azz to her in the past so I won't be one to her now either. It's time for me to think of me GAL having some fun and if she wants to join in at some point great if not well her loss.
If you have 50/50 custody, there's usually no child support- just agreements on who and how doctor's bills, insurance, etc would be paid for the kids.
Not where I live. We have two kids and joint custody. I am the primary custodian of one child and she is the primary custodian of the other child. I still have to pay child support for the child that she is the primary custodian of!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yeah it doesn't work that way here either. Unless both make equal incomes. If one income is much higher the much higher earning spouse will pay child support and or spousal support.
I also know my W is battling serious depression issues. She doesn't feel good about her self no matter what she does. So she's lying now when she says she is happier? Hey I don't know her, but I have to wonder about this ^^ statement of yours. It's such a blanket dismissal as to cause. Like you could not possibly be accountable for anything.
What did she originally say were her REASONS? Not her feelings but her reasons? Surely along the way you two fought or you sensed the distance. So what were YOUR issues according to HER?
The longer you delay looking at THAT, the less chance you have of making real changes for YOU which means they're real, not merely tactics to get her back.
Many of her co-workers and so called friends have recently D and are unhappy with there own shitty lives. Misery loves company and they are dragging her down. I truly think alot of my W isses started when she meet her father for the very first time in her life 4 years ago. As sad as I am to say it I wish she never would have meet him.
You control NONE of this^^^ so it's NOT where your focus ought to be. Period.
back to YOU and your work....which is the only thing you control here.
---My W is a awesome person that's why I care so much for her. She was really big into to going to church but now that she has left she has turned her back to GOD. Why is that? Stop mindreading and judging her. Huge turn off AND not helpful to YOU.
You are making her "wrong" to feel and do as she is but you are not in control of that
and conveniently you maintain the focus exclusively on HER and her flaws and your insights into her flaws and mistaken thinking
but not on what YOU can do NOW...why is that?
I know why she knows in her heart of hearts she is wrong in what she is doing to her family. Was I perfect heck no, but how can someone change themselves when the unhappy person never tells them how unhappy they really are? I do thank her for bring this to my attention cause it has changed me for the better.
I don't want to repeat myself about most of that^^^ --it's more blaming her and so on...
but how have YOU changed for the better? Please be specific b/c the more specific your changes, the more believable and credible, to her...at least over time.
I'm not sure what it is she is looking for in life THEN FIND OUT...what are her love languages? How does SHE receive love? How do you express love? Are the languages the same? Dig deep!
cause the best thing for her is right under her nose. I'm not saying I'm the perfect catch but I can assure you one thing no one will give her the love that I have for her. I have saved her life more than once.
I don't know what that ^^ means but if you saved her life, do you believe she must stay with you out of obligation? So, Are you "entitled" to that? That's how I'm hearing it, atm.
But I have taken the advice of those here on the board go dark detach, GAL, and be as happy as possible when we interact. If she is too blind to see it her loss and one day she will wake up and say what F was I thinking.
so how are the GAL and 180s going? And is this your thread? I've hunted for it on 3 other's threads...(like me when I first posted here, you hijacked other's threads. No biggie but it makes it hard for people to answer YOU on someone else's thread.)
But then you started one or two other threads, with bits and pieces of your story, asking questions in a vaccum, so the advice is only based on partial info.
Stick to one thread and you'll get better responses. And try to answer the questions I asked.
Good luck
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What did she originally say were her REASONS? Not her feelings but her reasons? Surely along the way you two fought or you sensed the distance. So what were YOUR issues according to HER?
Yes ive, read Michelle's book. The reason she stated is I always wanted sex and she never wanted it. She said she could go the rest of her life without it. I use to push her for it and I never really understood where she was coming from until reading Michelle's book but at that point it was too late.
W said she felt she could do no right no matter what she did she felt it was good enough for me. I use to complain about her spending too much $, texting too much we never really fought about these matters I guess she seen it more as nagging. Outside of that this is all the information she as told me. All of this is correctable in my eyes which I have done. I now walk away and realized to let the small things go. I also don't take things for granted something else I obviously did.
As far as GAL I work out, go to church, been to some ball games with son or friends, coached youth football, hang out with family and friends. I really don't have much funds to do much else right now and with my job I need to be flexable in my schudule. But I guess I should check into some local activities.
for now, here are some things I did to GAL and this is when I lived in the interior of Alaska and had 3 kids including a newborn...
most cost little to nothing.
Worked out and used a tanning booth (hey in Alaska's winter, it beats drinking)
auditioned for community theater and got cast and met cool new people
did stand up comedy
took a pottery class/French Conversation/Italian Cuisine classes
volunteered at the women's shelter
PTA President, twice
took flying lessons and got a pilot's license
went skydiving (summer only)
went dogsledding (winter)
got into photography
learned to fish, hunt and snowmobile
got into crosscountry skiing and then downhill skiing
Joined a new church
joined the wive's club (better than I expected by a long shot)
saw a shrink and got some help
So there are more than a few of these things you can do. Think of NEW and diferent things
so you are LESS predictable to her. See why?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Why has she turned her back on God? How do you know she has? Is God only found in church? Maybe she's actually closer to god and doesn't need a church as a go between.
hmmmm. She may not have turned her back to GOD so to speak but she no longer goes to church to hear the lords word. You don't go from Sunday school teacher to totally not going overnight. I know why she is not going GUILT!
if you think judging her this way^^^ makes you sound righteous or loving, it does not. It makes me think you've been critical of her for a long time and maybe used religion as a means of control...
So she's turned off it now. No surprise.
She knows if she went and heard the messages it would eat at her cause she knows darn well this is unacceptable in the eyes of GOD.
more of your condemnations. NO spouse returns and stays from guilt. I'd lose that self righteous tone and look inside yourself and dig way way deeper.
The people who do reconcile here, work on themselves a long time...and they don't keep on condemning their WAS for months on end. It keeps you stuck in anger mode. I know what that does.
The anger consumes YOU, not her. In fact, your anger validates her choice to leave.
Lose the anger or you'll lose yourself, the m and maybe your r's with the kids.
What exactly is YOUR own work here? You are the only one you control. If you keep making this about her
you give her all the power.
I realize she made up her mind 9 months ago that it will never work etc. Blah, Blah, Blah, 17 years what do you get? Not even a chance that's what. No she admitts she never told me how she felt. Was there a sign maybe but I'm also not a mind reader if that were the case I wouldn't be here right now.
I have accepted where we are she's been having her cake and eating it too.
for awhile, most WASs are cake eaters as we LBSers figure out what to do. But your anger serves no one. Hope you will see that soon.
Hanging onto anger to hurt someone else - is like
lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.
Well that stops now. We will be friends if things don't work out of course we will. (But right now she doesn't need to know that) it's time for some tuff love so to speak.
so are you going to "show her the consequences" of her actions or 'teach her a lesson"??? My db coach said
"it's not a spouse's job to do that, LIFE does that for them..."
Plus it's not coming from a place of love in your heart but from a wounded ego and anger. That's a dark place to stay so long.
Work on YOU. Be a man only a fool would leave.
What are your 180s and GAL?
I have never been an azz to her in the past so I won't be one to her now either. It's time for me to think of me GAL having some fun and if she wants to join in at some point great if not well her loss.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for your imput. The things I have mentioned about church I have never said to her directly. Those were my personal thoughts as to why. (I know I should GAL instead of worrying as to why) She was the one who got me to go to church which I thank her for. Look I don't go throwing religion around im no better than anyone else. I was just wondering why it all stopped and I know my wife it's guilt. I just think it would be good for her. (once again something else I haven't said to her but I also think it's good for all)
I've been nothing but sweet and kind since the bomb was dropped 10 months ago. 90% or greater of the men in my shoes would have thrown up their hands and taken the easy road out. I'm still fighting working on myself I truly am a changed man. I realize all the stuff/[censored] in the world means nothing the only thing thats important is my wife, son & family.
180%
I have stopped pursuing, I think before speaking, I have realized I must let the small things in life go. I've become more patient. (outside of that I the perfect catch
GAL
As I mentioned I do need to do more of this but I need a flexible work schedule so activities serveral times a week is hard. Here's what I do work out 5 days a week, hang out with friends, go to ball games, coached youth football, of course go to church.
your thread isn't dead but I don't think you are hearing me.
Originally Posted By: MissingMyFamily
Hello 25,
Thanks for your imput. The things I have mentioned about church I have never said to her directly. Those were my personal thoughts as to why. (I know I should GAL instead of worrying as to why) yes^^^ you should. It's been long enough now for you to start ONLY working on you.
She was the one who got me to go to church which I thank her for. Look I don't go throwing religion around im no better than anyone else. I was just wondering why it all stopped and I know my wife it's guilt.
sigh...more of the same old you blaming her and mind reading. This is pointless and fruitless AND it keeps you from making progress that you need to make.
why? B/c she won't return if she does not believe marriage to you could be better and different
You are doing nothing different vis a vis HER and how you view her or how you interact.
why do you want to be married to her if she's so defective?
I just think it would be good for her. (once again something else I haven't said to her but I also think it's good for all) why are you focussed on what SHE is doing, at all?
I've been nothing but sweet and kind since the bomb was dropped 10 months ago. 90% or greater of the men in my shoes would have thrown up their hands and taken the easy road out. this^^^ attitude SO does NOT help YOU. You're stuck blaming her. Get unstuck asap.
Tell us what YOU think YOU have to work on...you know, like your flaws??
I'm still fighting working on myself I truly am a changed man. I realize all the stuff/[censored] in the world means nothing the only thing thats important is my wife, son & family.
180%
I have stopped pursuing, I think before speaking, I have realized I must let the small things in life go. I've become more patient. (outside of that I the perfect catch
be way more specific...please. I don't know what "think before speaking" means much, and saying you "realize you must let go" of the small things. Meaning you want to, but you have not?
And what actions are you DOING, as opposed to refraining from? (Knowing what not to do is one thing; but you have to know what TO DO as well, b/c you need to take positive affirmative steps to improve...make sense?) Tell me 2 or 3 things you are DOING or saying that are new positive things that are different.
GAL
As I mentioned I do need to do more of this but I need a flexible work schedule so activities serveral times a week is hard. Here's what I do work out 5 days a week, hang out with friends, go to ball games, coached youth football, of course go to church.
I posted what I did in Alaska to GAL, and you didn't really respond.
You sound busy but you need to be less predictable so doing new things and meeting new people is key to avoid obsessing about her (which you still do)
and to feel better and change. It's just easier to change with new people seeing you and not holding you back.
Hope that makes sense.
I am really not sure you are getting my main points.
I think you are mostly stuck blaming her and avoiding the deep digging you ought to be doing.
that's just my take.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
