Hindsight is 20/20. And better late than never! 2 annoying cliches for ya I'm right there with you. This heartbreak has been a major eye-opening experience for me, and I've been embracing the 'new' me.
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
I love all my friends on here You know how to make a girl feel good!
I was thinking about something a spiritual advisor told me once (and maybe I've said this on here a LONG time ago). The idea is this:
When you meet some one and start to fall in love, you are presenting a certain version of you. You should make sure that *that* version is authentic and genuine. Because when you choose to get married, if you drastically change the person that they fell in love with, the other spouse will feel as if they've been tricked. Now this is not saying that people shouldn't grow and change based on mutual/individual experiences, but the core person should be the same. And it can even be as simple as things that you always *do* for each other, for example: If you (as a woman) always wore makeup or dressed nice every time you went out with your spouse during dating.... than you should continue to do those things after marriage.
Ok, I'm not saying this because I agree with it entirely, but I do understand the essence of it. I've realized that I changed who I was almost the instant that he put the ring on my finger. I think in my mind I told myself: "Hey, I got him. I don't have to impress anymore" and I became lazy in my appearance and attitude towards him. Boy, do I regret that. (and maybe I'm not the only one here who fell victim to 'marriage comfort')
But I've come to this ^^^^ realization after my DB efforts over the past 2 months. I really LIKE doing my hair and makeup, and putting on nice clothes daily. I have noticed that I carry myself better AND I have a better attitude... it might seem superficial that a little makeup could cause such a dramatic turn around- oh-well. I like the way H looks at me now (even when he doesn't think I see it)... I feel like my DB efforts are not changing me, only bringing back the woman that has been hiding behind baggy shirts and low self-esteem...lightbulb moment!.... the woman he fell in love with!!!
Why couldn't I have figured this out 3 years ago, when it would have kept my M together.
Its a super interesting point but it can be a sword that cuts both ways.
When P met me I was a super fashionista who dressed to the nines every day. Skimped on food for a couple of weeks to save up for a pair of designer shoes, always had perfect nails, hair and accessories, you get the drill. Well P is a 'nature dude'. Likes fishing and camping, and that sort of thing. I *liked* that stuff, but it wasn't part of my daily 'downtown' girl lifestyle. But when we got together I started doing it more and started buying say... hiking boots (designer of course! LOL) instead of *ANOTHER* pair of black stilettos.. I liked the changes and I felt like focusing on some of these new activities made me a more well-rounded person. BUT: after we 'settled in' with one another he started griping when I would want to put on a little make up and a coordinated outfit to say... go grocery shopping. For a while it was a bit of a battle. Then I sat him down and explained... the girl you fell in love with was a super-fashioista. I'm not going to lose myself completely to fit your lifestyle, but I will *adjust* so that we can mesh together. Besides, I told him... don't you like the fact that I look pretty and that I take the time to care what I look like for not only myself but you every day?
You could see the wheels churn in his head and he completely understood.
Sorry, my point doesn't have all that much to do with yours, I just felt like sharing
Hey Purg How's your day been? I've been so busy- I try to get updated on sitch's as often as possible... Work( civilian career), kids, gal, & cooking / cleaning ( I'm in the house, have the kids & my W lives 2 miles away now). You've been giving great advice and rec'ing words of wisdom from the vets. Is you H anxious about the deployment? Have you thought about your long distance db'ing ... The deployment may help the sitch, perhaps he'll get a dose of reality ( like I did) & realize the importance of family, m & the r . Take care P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Its a super interesting point but it can be a sword that cuts both ways. Agreed! If you make changes to fit into their lives, you run the risk of loosing yourself too.
I liked the changes and I felt like focusing on some of these new activities made me a more well-rounded person. I think it's a GOOD part of a R when we can learn new things from our partner- we just have to decide if *we* want to be an observer or a participant... sadly, I always was the observer- and that wasn't good enough for him.
I'm not going to lose myself completely to fit your lifestyle, but I will *adjust* so that we can mesh together. Besides, I told him... don't you like the fact that I look pretty and that I take the time to care what I look like for not only myself but you every day? You could see the wheels churn in his head and he completely understood. I fell victim to *NOT* keeping myself in the M.... I let myself go, which was opposite of who I was when we met. I'm starting to see that girl again since I started DBing.... and I still like her and think she has a lot to offer- now if only I could get H to notice her again!!
Sorry, my point doesn't have all that much to do with yours, I just felt like sharing Never apologize for sharing!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Hey Purg How's your day been? I'm so glad you checked in with me!!
I've been so busy- I try to get updated on sitch's as often as possible... Work( civilian career), kids, gal, & cooking / cleaning ( I'm in the house, have the kids & my W lives 2 miles away now). Wow, a true 'single dad' lifestyle- I bet you're exhausted! However, imagine the lessons and example you are setting for your sons?? Do you think they will ever think a man is a wimp if he cooks meals and cleans the house- I bet not!! A mans true strength isn't measured in his muscles.
You've been giving great advice and rec'ing words of wisdom from the vets. I am beyond grateful for all the support I've received- it's kept my sanity in check!
Is you H anxious about the deployment? H doesn't talk to me about the deployment. All I know is that he is assigned as a 'Logistics Staff Officer to a Provincial Reconstruction Team' in Kandahar. So, although he's not considered ground forces, I've heard bad things about Kandahar. We have a close friend (USMC, Silver Star recipient) who works private security now in that region- so he's got some stories! He's scheduled to leave in June, but he's taking a few weeks in May to "do things I want to do" (so I guess he's trying to have as much fun as he can before he leaves-although he hasn't mentioned any activities involving me.)
Have you thought about your long distance db'ing Yes and No. I really want to use that time apart to show him that I can move on and have a life without him, but at the same time, I want to have opportunities to support him and show him my 180's.... haven't figured out *how* to do that over the phone and skype- or even if he would want *me* on the other end of the line.
The deployment may help the sitch, perhaps he'll get a dose of reality ( like I did) & realize the importance of family, m & the r . I PRAY that this happens! I've heard several people that say being over there really makes you take stock in your life and what is most important to you... I really hope that it's my face that flashes through his mind at night and memories of our M that keep him company.
Take care I will!! And any suggestions you might have (since you were the person in the war zone on the *that* side of the computer/phone) would be helpful as I make my plan for DBing long distance. P
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Journal.... and because I don't have a BFF to call and vent to......
Went to the YMCA with the kids- so they could play and I could get a workout in. I became overwhelmed with memories of BFF and her kids... We spent all summer at the Y together. I kept having flashes of the kids playing in the pool, she and I talking while sunbathing.... it became a sad and heavy weight on my heart. Not sure where all that came from all of a sudden- because I've gone to the Y since all this cr@p started and never got sad before.
So when I got home, I became sad all over again.... I guess my mind had broken down that wall that I had around my emotions- so they all started flooding out. *I'm sad that H hasn't called me all day. Not even a text or email. A reality that I have to get used to. *I'm sad that H won't be coming home tonight because *this* is where he *wants* to be. In fact, tonight is his night off from the boys, so he has no real reason to even stop by. *I'm sad that he's leaving in 4 months and I have NO CLUE how he will feel about us by then (I REALLY need someone to hurry up and invent a crystal ball!!) *I'm sad that (I think) he chooses to get comfort and friendship from exBFF... I'm mad that that^^^^^ sitch makes me question myself: "what does she have that I don't?"
I really don't like feeling this way, I have no idea where this all came from. I'm trying to get myself out of it by playing my 'happy' playlist on the stereo and reading/posting on the boards.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Hey Purg, I'm so sorry you feel that way, believe me we all go through it, I just broke down in the car waiting for the kids to get out of school. Music is good, it usually helps, also kid crazy time is a lifesaver! Or reading my Bible helps. Just remember, this too shall pass! Praying for happiness to come your way quickly!!
I'm sad that (I think) he chooses to get comfort and friendship from exBFF... I'm mad that that^^^^^ sitch makes me question myself: "what does she have that I don't?"
When I would say something similar to this (there is no OW in my sitch) a friend would say to me, "This is more about him than you, this is not about what you did or didn't do, it's about what he can or can't do."
Not meant to excuse my stuff but I was willing to work on things, he wasn't.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm right there with you. This heartbreak has been a major eye-opening experience for me, and I've been embracing the 'new' me.