Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Advice Need.....What Should I do?

The letter sounds resolute, but most do.

hey, whether it's too late or not is not for us to know. I doubt SHE knows.

I said things in 2005/06 that I really believed, and some I didn't. But I don't believe most of it NOW.

Nothing is written in stone.

The thing is, your course of action happens to be the same regardless...

YOU MUST DETACH and make sure that she sees or hears of a happy upbeat YOU

in a detached way.

So give her something to miss, not a sad needy man and not a cold clueless jerk

but a strong loving man, with a future, who brings a lot to the table as a partner...

let her BELIEVE you are this way and now some other woman will benefit by your changes (and her long suffering "work")

I think at some level it has to bug her.

You don't control that but you CAN DETACH and you must detach in order to move forward

or reconcile. Please "get" that.

here's a short piece on detaching...

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded, and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I alone am responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

I believe MY WAW is going through a MLC. Many of her co-worker friends and her crowd of influence have recently D. I think they also have a hand in W current decision. (I can hear them now you don't need him) But as the saying goes misery loves company. Most of them I know and they would have killed for what my W has a nice house H who cares and a loving family. It's just hard to understand how someone can just throw it all away:( These girls are 10 years younger, and W want's a covertable she is also always concerned about weight and looks epsecially now that she is 40. Just meet her dad for the first time in life 4 years ago at the time I was happy for her now I think it mistake. Does this sound like a MLC to any of you?

W has been nice to me since leaving. Anyone who tells her what she's not willing to here she disscounts with even her know family who are on my side. Her only real surrport is her father which really doesn't have a leg to stand on. W was really big into church and now no longer goes. (I believe out of guilt cause deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong) It's flipping amazing how people change like this almost over night. After 17 years being together and almost 12 married I can't understand why their is no effort on her part.

OK...time to stop with the disbelief and face what is in front of you

these are the things she told you

how you respond to them is the measure of the man so to speak

she gave you a wake up call

wake up

don't wake up to spite her
for a reaction from her
wake up for yourself

and don't regret waking up

MMF - I just read your letter and it struck a chord as it sounded a lot like my W's letter to me in August. It was in response to an e-mail that I sent to her asking if we could work on it because like your W, she was very resolute in moving forward as soon as possible.

"I’ve read through your email multiple times. I appreciate you recognizing that neither of us has been happy in the relationship for at least a year now. Whether it’s the lack affection in the home, the lack of respect, the lack of appreciation, the short fuses, etc, it’s really had a severe impact on our relationship. I’m also glad that you recognize that it’s not just about the swearing during anger fits or the language you’ve used toward me after a few too many drinks. It’s about the feelings/attitudes/behaviors that have happened over the last year (which were also present in the past 2-3 years,but never changed).

I know we can’t change the past, but I also know how I’m feeling right now. While I respect your commitment to trying to make this work (as you believe that this is all fix-able), I also know how I’m feeling inside. I believe the basic elements of a relationship have been broken and I’m not willing to take any more time to see if it’s even possible to fix. I’m sorry if you feel this is unfair. I know you think this is cliché, but I truly want what is best for you too and I just can’t give you the love that you deserve. As much as I want to be happy, I want you to be happy too and it’s not fair to you to be with me either. I also believe it’s unfair how our relationship has been and how it’s affected me. My future is unknown, but I know I do not want to ever feel the way I’m feeling right now or the way I’ve felt when you’ve hurt me as certain things are unacceptable for me from my own spouse, regardless of the situation. For that, I’m comfortable with my decision to move on and make a better life for myself (hopefully!).

I’m not going to fight about the condo and have already decided to move out (not that you care, but my parents are okay with this too). I respect that your parents put money towards our place and I don’t want any of it. I just want to be fair at this point. If you can please calculate the equity, excluding your parents initial investment, and split into two, I think that is fair. I will also return all of the jewelry your family gave me (have to get some out of the safety deposit box too).

If you still want to talk to an attorney, that is fine, but I think we can work this out as the only area of question is really the condo and I’m letting you calculate that excluding parents investment, etc, so in the best interest of both of us, I don’t think we need to spend any add’l money on another lawyer with such a “simple” case.

I wish you wouldn’t fight this anymore. As I said, I respect what you’re trying to do, but I know how I’m feeling and what I want. We both deserve happiness and I don’t know if you believe me, but I do feel that we can be friends in the end if we can figure this out in a respectable/fair manner."

Long-story short, that was August and she did file this past Monday. I am hoping to DB much better than I have in the past, but just wanted to let you know that even if it does not seem like you have any time, you may have more time than you think even if she is all about moving this forward as quickly as possible.

I originally took her letter as needing to "rush" because I was operating under a limited timeframe and did a lot of pursuing and trying to expect results too soon from my actions. Don't make the same mistakes. Just work on you, do what you need to do, but don't freak out because of the timeframe. If she starts seeing positive changes, she may let the timing slip, but only you can control the positive changes that she will see. If you rush or get impatient, you probably know the likely ending scenario.

Good luck!

Well if she does move forward which most likly she will. What's others opinion on me asking for spousal support? She is the bread winner and makes almost double my income. (The house is only in my name cause when we bought it her credit was bad) Now that she has left me I can't afford the full house payment. I know that would piss her off but shouldn't I start thinking about me for once? I'm only afraid the out come would damage any future relationship which may not even be their in the first place. What would others do in my shoes?

>

Someone help a brother out? Seriously what should I do or better yet what would you do in my shoes?

mmf, it is ok and in fact appropriate to think about yourself.

I really hope you don't expect spousal. If the law grants you spousal, so be it.

Leave that up to the legal process and get a handle on your emotions. There appears to be a good amount of anger that you might want to work through before making any kind of assertions about what you feel you deserve.

I'm not madd one bit. But I started thinking I'm not asking for any of this but I'll be the one losing the most. W got the easy road new place new beginings while I'm left behind with the pressure of wondering what to do with the house and the rest of the stuff she left behind. I haven't made a hosue payment since she has left. We are like 90% of every one else in this country we owe more than what it's currently worth. I know what it's worth cause im in real estate.

She verbally has agreed to shared parenting 7 days S will be with me 7 with her. Which we are cureently doing and I'm happy with. But the fact she makes double my income mostly because I was the one staying home with the S so she could make that $ and now my 800 credit score will be cut in half and I will no longer have health insurance.

But in all honesty Im not madd. Most people in my shoes would be hatefull and pissed. I'm truly not. I'm just wanting some advice as to what others would do in my shoes? I'll probably just let things be what they are and just suck it.

There is always a chance....

If I told you that you had one chance in a million, what would you say ?

If I told you that you had a 80% chance, what would you say ?

Two extremes indeed. One looks much more promising than the other.

What is your game plan for changing the odds ???



Sometimes, unfortunately, divorce does happen. Sometimes the WAS has to feel that their slate is wiped clean before they feel they can move forward in their lives. Doesn't mean that it can't happen again, or Websters would strike the word re-marry from it's pages.


Read Figgeroni's post to you from earlier in this thread.

Have you had any legal counsel yet ?

I know this sux dude.

You will come through this.

For now, find legal advice, and try to stop living in the land of "what ifs"...