I agree. Only respond to the text if they are about the kids or an emergency. If you receive a text other than that, take your time answering or don't answer it.
My H would send me a text regarding our D about dumb things. I did not respond at all. Here is a good example. I still laugh about it when think about it. He texted asking if he could use her bubble bath as soap to wash her body in. I wanted to reply back and say use your common sense, but I did not reply at all.
When my H walked out, he told me he was done, it was over and that he didn't love me anymore. I went dark for about 6 weeks. Then he asked me to lunch to discuss our D. After lunch, he gave me this hug and a kiss on the cheek. A few days later he asked me to spend the day with him and our D. He admitted that he was missing me. A few more weeks went by without contact. Then the holidays arrived. Now we are trying to work it out. So any thing is possible.
Don't give up yet. Let her know how it's going to be without you. Let her know that you are not always going to be there all the time.
I agree. Only respond to the text if they are about the kids or an emergency. If you receive a text other than that, take your time answering or don't answer it.
Don't give up yet. Let her know how it's going to be without you. Let her know that you are not always going to be there all the time.
She does need a dose of what it' going to be like but at this point in the game I have very limited time 40 to 90 days. She has been so cold and checked out for atleast a year now that I don't think I have much or any chance left. But it's my last shot I guess. Hope for the best expect the worst I have nothing else to lose at this point. It's all been taken away already. It really [censored] that the changes I made she will never reep the rewards from:(
My son is 11. I have told him the bad news and W is still unaware that he knows. I didn't want him to be blind sided like I was. I think he realizes I did everything I could possibly do to keep our family together. I hope one day later in life he respects everything i've doone to keep us all together. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve and though I know he his hurt he doesn't show it. I just hope he is ok.
Are you formerly "Danz"? If so, I wish you'd answer the many questions you've been asked.
And stay on THIS thread
so we don't confuse you with others and don't lose valuable info we need so we can advise.
Take a breath and give us the answers to the questions. I worry that you are flipping through our posts so fast you are NOT processing the information we are trying to give you...
Basic stuff like your ages, and how long you've been married, job status and what SHE SAID the problems were. WE need to know that.
And what your 180s are and what
YOUR WORK is, b/c you are the one posting here and we cannot change your w
and neither can you.
We'll keep on keeping on if you can help us, help you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well my W dropped bomb #2 on me yesterday. She stated she wanted to come over and talk which made me nervous cause I had a feeling where this was headed. After an hour of small talk she tells me she wants a dissolution ASAP! Of course my heart just sank. She said she noticed all the changes in me and I'm now the person she always wanted me to be
Did she literally say that? IF SO, no matter what else she says, THIS ^^^^ IS great news. Keep up the changes. They are key.
but it's too late. I said if you noticed the changes why the rush on the dissolution? She said she just doesn't feel comfortable going out knowing what's she's doing. Basically I take it as she has found someone else and doesn't have the heart to tell me or she wants to see what's out their.
Okay so she wants to see if the grass is greener AND IF YOUR CHANGES ARE REAL and lasting, or merely tactics to get her back. Time will tell.
She said she wants us to remain good friends? (Pretty tuff to do at this point) Dissolutions here in my state can take between 30 & 90 days. Does anyone think there is much of a chance or much hope with her not going through with this? yes. And even if she did go through with it, I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried a few years later. They all changed a lot, for the better, in the time apart.
Remarrying your ex happens in about 15% in this nation. Or so I read a few years back.
Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do to delay or prevent this or just get her to open up her eyes to see whats right here in front of her?
Legal issues-see a L about delaying it.
Otherwise, it's all about you and [b] consistent change + sufficient time = changes she can believe in.[/b]
How long have you truly been detached and DBing consistently?
Don't let the piece of paper be the death knell for anything if you don't want it to be.
I have eaten the biggest piece of humble pie a person could ever swallow. (Which may have been needed) I went from having it all a awesome loving family a nice house good credit to losing it all in a matter of months.
The hardest part to swallow is I put so much effort in DB and she never even gave me a chance. She finally brought out the best man in me that I had to offer her and she will never even reep the benefits. Sad Sad day. Do I have a chance?
if that's really honestly true, then of course it matters. And she'll look over her shoulder when she thinks you are now the "finished product great h" and she got the "practice version" of you, only to have some OW get the benefit of her work???
Might not hurt for you to have some mystery going there...
Most women would look back and have big second thoughts IF they believed their h's had finally changed and IF their h's were good fathers to their children.
No woman is unmoved by that. Period.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did the 180 path 6 months ago to the current time frame. Just being a positive person, gave her compliments, was understanding to how she views things, let the small things in life go.
What is HER love language? Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? It's worthy of reading at any point in life.
My GAL is working out, hanging out with friends from time to time, spending time with my son. (one week on one week off) going to church, spending time with family members.
Not enough NEW GAL stuff. Do something NEW. I joined a writer's group, went skydiving, auditioned for community theater, took classes, volunteered at a shelter, got in shape, met new people!!! And a dozen other things. In the winter in the interior of Alaska...so yes you can do more and it matters a lot. There are good solid reasons we say "GAL"...be LESS predictable to her.
I guess my last resort even though I believe it's too late is quit answering her text unless it involves our son. That's about all I can do now since she no longer stays in the home.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My son is 11. I have told him the bad news and W is still unaware that he knows. I didn't want him to be blind sided like I was. I think he realizes I did everything I could possibly do to keep our family together. I hope one day later in life he respects everything i've doone to keep us all together. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve and though I know he his hurt he doesn't show it. I just hope he is ok.
Our advice e.g., LRT, is based on GENERAL assumptions. But since I have no idea what SHE SAID the problems were, it's hard to know what to tell you.
What are the traits YOU are working on and what did SHE SAY to you about them?
Also, I would NOT have told your son.
The more you tell people the more it cements her decision. (And you may have made it all easier for her now, in the short run).
Do not highlight or mention your changes anymore. That reeks of them being only for her, which means they are temporary tactics, not true changes within. The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. Then they firm up. What you resist, persists.
You want to keep the road home, paved & smooth.
It was not your job to tell your son now, let alone without her. SHE will believe you did it to get an ally out of him or to guilt her or that you had an agenda that was self serving and beneficial to you.
And didn't you?
My mc, whom I saw without h, since h had left/sep, told me NOT to tell the kids until I was 100% certain a div was happening. And even then not to tell them too long in advance b/c it prolongs it, but not so short before that it stuns. When my d's asked if we were going to get a divorce I said "I sure hope not b/c I've loved your dad a long time" or "b/c he's the love of my life"... Stress what will remain the same and unchanged for them. Such as if they'll stay in the same school and have the same friends, that is hugely comforting to them. Reassure him of YOUR constance without ever bashing your w. I told my d's we would not move while d1 was in high school--and met that goal.
Also told youngest that "your happiness is the most important thing to me in the world. I will do what I think makes YOU the happiest"....and for HER that was super comforting. And it was true and it wasn't me being a martyr b/c if I have done right by my kids, it will make ME happy.
Do not try to "teach your w a lesson" b/c it's not your job to do that.
As my DB coach, 'Life does that" and same goes for
"showing them the consequences of their choices". Again, life does that, not a spouse.
Does this make sense to you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes I'm formerly Danz. I'm 37 and my W is 40 we have been married 11 years and together 16.
She said I use to complain about her spending, presure her to have sex (which she states she has zero desire to do) whatever she did she stated I told her she never did it right so to say. She stated she had been up happy for years and had been faking our M for the past few years. I had no clue she felt this way cause she kept it to herself. (how can someone change when they don't know the other one is unhappy?) She just meet her father for the first time 4 years ago. Which I thought at the time was great now I think it has triggered something in her childhood to start her crazy behavior of MLC. She has all the symptons of a MLC always concerned about her looks, lost weight, hanging out with co-worker girls 10 years younger that all have recently divorced and Im sure pumping her head to leave, wants a convertable.
Once I read Michelle's book I realized some of the mistakes I made in the relationship and decided to do a 180 not complaining about spending, not complaining about anything for that matter, not asking for sex, I realized life is too short and to let the small things in life go. I started telling her how beautiful she was each and every day. I was even texting her this while separated cause I vowed to myself I would do so. (Of course the text has of yesterday when bomb #2 was dropped has stopped as painfull as is it I must do the last resort technic. I know my chances are slim and none cause she wants a dissolution which is a exprees D so I have between 40 & 90 days top to get through to her. Her living separatly [censored] but not even getting a fair shake at a second chance and lossing her for good [censored] even worse.
She did say she noticed to changes and I'm now everything she ever wanted me to me but it's too late. She says she forgives me (but does put of forgiving mean to forget and let it go?) She says she is SORRY she doesn't want the marriage anyone and it's not fair to me or our son to keep living separate lives with false hopes to him and I.
Like I said I feel it's too late & I know at some point she will regret going through with a D. She has now brought out the best in me and will not get to experence the end result. It's a DAMM shame.
Does any one have any thoughts other than just going dark and not being for her during this time?
As time approches for my lease to end, I can not imagine myself moving back there at all. It has been almost 4 months since I moved out and I just feel like I am ready to move on ever further. I thought that the separation would make me feel differently but to honest, while I have been in own apartment, I have been happier. I think we get along well and I want that to continue so much. I think we can be great parents to our S and still remain good friends. I just do not want to be in the marriage anymore and I think we both need to be able to move on. I know you say you do not want to but we have to.
You are fantastic. You are truly the man now I wish you were before I walled myself off. We all make mistakes, I made a huge one by not expressing my feelings years ago when I started to feel different. I just didn't want to admit the failure of not making things work and despite what you may think...I tried vert hard to ignore the bad stuff that was going on with us even though I have now forgiven you for that. I just cannot ignore how I fell now even though I love you so much as friend it's just not enough for a marriage to work for me.
It's not fair to you to love me and for me not to return the same feeling. You are great to me and I cannot thank you enough for putting up with all that you have through this time of change and uncertainty. I just know you need and deserve way more than me. I know I said this before and I have tried to make myself change how I feel but I just cannot. I can't keep pretending or thinking im going to change. It's not fair to any of us especially S.
I do want you to be happy so much and I do want you to move on. I wish things could have been different I really do for all of us but it is how it is and we have to move forward for all of us.
I think we can move forward with a dissolution and agree on things. I really do want to still be able to do things together but I can't keep from feeling like we are going to change as we and I love our relationship. I am so affraid if there is not a chance of getting back together then you will not want to be nice to me anymore. I think that would be wrong because I know we care about each other and to be any different with each other would not be in our character.
It's hard for me to say stuff like this and I am sure you know that. I don't want to lead you on. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead (the line from that song is so true) and I feel like I am hurting you. In fact I know I do. I was hurt for years but played it off like all was ok but now I feel like I am hurting you and I hate how it make me feel. I want you to be happy again!!!!! And I want to be happy again. I will help you with whatever you need and will always be here for you no matter what!!!! I hope when we talk we can figure out when we can get this process started and remain great friends.
ANYONE HAVE ANY THOUHGTS AS WHAT I SHOULD DO? OR IS IT TOO LATE LIKE I BELIEVE IT IS?
