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Journaling

Being pretty weepy today, tried to actually cry but I can't (I am a man after all). Woke up at 0530 this morning after a bad dream involving my wife performing sexual acts with another man (not who she had an EA with, just some random man) and I think this set me up for the day and no matter what I couldn't snap out of it.

The last 2 days I've been reading through the MLC board stickies and have gained a lot of information. The rewriting of marriage history, the fact that deep down I'm certain she loves me, the fact that it's all my fault, the bringing up of her father a lot and other childhood issues, the unreasonableness, behaving like a rebelious teenager, the negativity towards me, the pushing me away but not wanting to split up permenently and no mention of D, and the fact that I can't do anything right, strongly makes me believe she is going through MLC and is not just a WAW. I can identify the replay stage definetly and I can sort of identify Anger looking back but I can't really identify Denial which is the 1st stage. Based on what I'm seeing now, lack of housework, playing card games on her iPhone, how she is so withdrawn with me and how she is not contacting me except about the kids, her pessimistic view of our R, empty chocolate wrappers everywhere (she was on a massive diet binge before) and the ultimatum forced end of EA friendship I believe (hopefully) that she has entered depression and possibly withdrawal.

I'm still confused a little as she is being ultra friendly with all her family and it feels like shes just trying too hard, just like when I look back now in my mind on her nights out with her work mates and the photos she has on facebook it looks like she was trying too hard and doing things like swinging from lamp posts which just isn't her. Hopefully the replay stage is gone, I've read so many terrible stories on the MLC board and I am greatful of lifes circumstances meant she couldn't become an alcoholic, spend our life savings (as we had none!) and other horrible things.

Going to really get into DR tonight and tomorrow, and try to work more on detaching. Not looking forward to Febuary, valentines day and our 1st/4th wedding anniversary ( we got married on 29th Febuary 2008)

Please don't think that...in fact, that isn't a DB principle at all. It is NOT 100% your fault. I used to say it was 95% my fault...That was even wrong. There are two people in the marriage. Blame may not be equal but it is shared.



Again, please don't think that way. I am not saying you are perfect. But I am positive there are MANY things you do that are right. Give yourself some credit. Identify what things/behavior that can cause strife and figure out how to change it.


I am going to go ahead and post some thoughts about your other posts here as well. You need to forget about Nick. He isn't your problem. He is a symptom. Focus on you and getting you to where you need/want to be. Be the person your W fell in love with. Stop snooping on her phone and computer. It will only make you depressed/angry. Worry about only the things YOU can control. The only thing you can control is yourself. Your W isn't going to come back unless, and be happy, unless the things that made her unhappy are resolved. I am going to be honest with you. They may not be just about you. There may be some issues that she has that CAN'T be resloved by you (or at all for that matter). That is why you need to concentrate on you. Work on yourself. Be the person YOU want to be.

Another thing I want you to know is that hapiness is a choice. Everyday when you wake up, you can choose to be happy. Of course there are going to be tough times, but how you react to them is all up to you. Anger, sadness, dispair, etc. they will all come, but how long they last can be determined by you and how long you choose to let them stay. The next time you are sad, ask yourself "Would I rather be sad or happy?" and do something about it! I know it is SO easy to say...but with practice, it is easy to do as well. As Kaffe said, come here to vent/journal/gloat...We are here for you.

Brian

You have three little children in this woman's care. If she would do all of this upon being confronted, do you think she is responsible enough to be in charge of your children's welfare?

Did you alert the MC what she had done to herself? Does anyone know?

Thanks for the reply Brian, I'm on my phone so will make this brief.
I don't think I explained it very well, in her mind at the beginning she said it was all my fault, I have never personally accepted anything above 70/30 my fault and now after 7 weeks have passed I won't accept anything higher than 60/40. After 1 of our discussions before I moved out the second time I fought hard (know not to do that now) to get her to accept some responsibility and she said she did but I'm not sure how genuine that was and wether it was just lip service. The 'can't do anything right' was simply my observation from her that she points out the tiniest little thing I do wrong (in her eyes) because she is so ultra negative and pessimistic at the moment and looking for everything she can to catch me out. I guess she is trying to justify how she feels at the moment - hadnt thought of that till just now!

I know she has other issues. Loads of issues from her childhood where she felt controlled and beaten by her father and she felt she was always singled out by him not her brothers or sister. I know through my perception I am reminding her of her father at the moment a lot, when I gave her the ultimatum about nick or me, when I had calmed down a bit she said she was scared of me, she's never been scared of me before, in fact she's the dominant scary one. I worked it out a few weeks later that she was seeing her father not me. Many times in the MLC boards it is said that MLCers see their spouse as their parent and tied in with her teenage behaviour at that time it makes complete sense.

Thankyou for the other kinds words, I knew all that but it means so much more when it's said personally to me, so thankyou again for taking the time and trouble to write it out.

Just to add, it was when confronted with the evidence which was a print out of all the text messages, so maybe she got so angry because she knew her 'fantasy' was over.

IMHO you need to stop playing at being your W's therapist. Has she ever seen anyone for her personal issues?

Right now it seems like she wants someone in her corner who is going to let her forget about her troubles. I don't see this as an MLC. This seems more like your W feels she has missed out on 'life' because you're the only man she's ever known. I can see where she feels like life had dealt her a bad hand and she's trying to get some measure of control back. She just doesn't know how.

Hi, isn't that in essence a mid life crisis though? It may not be a full blown mid life crisis as seen by some of the sad stories on here but a crisis of mid life all the same?

The other thing that led me to believe she is in MLC is a few weeks ago after MC she started to talk about things she wanted to do in life and that she only had 19.5 years left to do it, when I asked her what she meant she said about her dad dying when he was 55 from a stroke and because she takes after him and most of his side of the family died young of strokes she is convinced she will. Looking back I don't think she ever got over the death of her Dad as it was so sudden and it's coming upto the 3 year anniversary.

No she hasnt seen a therapist for anything, she desperetly needs to but if I say anything she will refuse.

You said that all this trauma happened when your wife was young and it didn't seem like anyone got her help at the time. I have a feeling it's been simmering for awhile and your w didn't have the tools to cope with it in a healthy way.

Mlc happens when a change in attitude happens after a big life event trigger.

Your w's fatalistic attitude seems to be a side belief ofher thinking that bad things will always happen in her life.

You have to approach her with that understanding.

Yep definetly, which I believe is one of the components of a MLC.



I believe there have been 2 triggers of her Father dying almost 3 years ago which she has never got over and going back to work full time 1 1/2 years ago instead of being a stay at home Mum.



Very good point, so are you saying that I have to fight against her beliefs that are stronger than some other peoples and that to prove I've changed will take longer for her to truly believe?