Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy It's Over Now

oneeleven, don't be so cynical!

fireman, I hope you told her that you want to make things better, and suggested going to counselling together. maybe it is possible to prevent the divorce if she is having second thoughts. this is your chance to fix it!

I can understand your fear of a "false hope" but you don't want to throw away a real chance! i.e. maybe it's a real hope, not a false one.

Fireman... you cheated on your wife!

And you are frustrated that she can't "get over it" ???

Why would life with you be any better now? How can your W trust you?

Yes, you hurt. You believe you made a mistake. I get that.

It is probably a good idea to take a good look at what caused that...

before you give your W any ultimatums...

So I don't get it. Do you want to stay married or not? Simple question.

I didn't say it to manipulate her at all. I can't continue on the way I was, thinking it was going to possibly work out. She finally told me that she never intended to work it out, so I had to start moving forward. Of course I want with all my heart to make it work, and when she told me she was thinking that too it gave me hope, but I can't start thinking like I was before. And what Ieant about not going through this again is that I don't want to have to endure this again and I damn sure don't ever want to put anyone else through this again, especially her. I love her with every bit of myself and I am trying hard not to get full of false hope.

I didn't tell her that to be manipulative. I wanted her to know that I was moving forward. Maybe I was hoping that she would start thinking about it. What's wrong with that? She sent me an email several weeks ago and told me that I had to start living for what I have now and enjoying life, because that's what she is doing. She said she isn't going to allow herself to sink into depression over all of this. I can't either. And I wanted her to know that I am ok. Besides, nobody wants to be with somebody that is an emotional basket case. There were reasons why she fell in love with me, and I am feeling good about myself, considering, and I'm working hard to move forward and make sure that she can move forward too, with or without me. Do I hope that she starts seeing me as attractive and somebody she can love again? Of course I do! And when I said that I can't go through this again, I meant that all this pain I caused, and this terrible situation with my marriage. I can't do it again. I can't put anyone through it again, especially not her, and I can't put myself through it either. The fact that I cheated is what prompted her to file for divorce, but we had issues already that neither of us were willing to work on. I didn't go out looking to get laid. It wasn't about sex. It was about affection. She refused to give me affection. Kisses, hugs, for no reason other than to just do it because she loved me. That's all I wanted. I screwed up and found it some place else. Maybe she can put it behind her. Maybe she can't. Maybe she will put this divorce on hold and just see what happens. I told her we don't have to live together. We can keep going like we are now. But there's no reason to rush into a divorce and then start thinking later that we should have tried. But if she chooses not to try, I have to be ready to move on, and so I am making sure I am.

Yes, I want to stay married. Of course I do. I'm not frustrated that she can't get over it. I'm frustrated that we never tried. I mean before all this happened.

So "before all this happened" and you made the decision to cheat on your wife, what did YOU do to "try" to make things right?
Did you ever discuss your need for affection/attention with your wife prior to cheating? Did she ever really have a chance?

And then she finds out that you cheated and did a bold thing by contacting a divorce lawyer. Were you surprised by that? If the tables were turned, how would you respond?

When you say "Yes, I want to stay married. Of course I do"... does this mean that you are willing to forsake all others forever? Are you willing to cherish your W, the person who trusted her heart to you? Willing to help her regain her self esteem after being betrayed?

I really do wish you both the best. I hope that after some distance, and reflection, you are able to reclaim what you once had but with more truth and honesty about each of your needs.

Best, A.

If you are coming across in a way that doesn't seem positive or constructive on this board, chances are that your W is getting the same "vibe"...

That's why, if you really do want to try to save the M, you really need to take a good look at yourself (we ALL do, this isn't a pick on fireman thing) and dump our negative stuff and work on our positive stuff.

A quote from a vet here is a really good base and is what DB is about... it goes:

"From this day forward..."

The past is the past that we learn from, but it is what we do RIGHT NOW and from this day forward, that just might help us save our M... and if not, at least we come out of this with more positive characters to move foward...

T answer Abbey, before this happened, yes I was very open with her that I needed the affection. Long before the affair even took place. I have learned a lot over the last few weeks though. I have learned that people show love and affection in different ways. I was consumed with needing her to show love to me the same way I was showing it to her. In my mind, the fact that she would not do it meant that she didn't love me as much as I loved her. And as our sex life dwindled, I just believed that she was falling out of love with me. I never looked into finding these answers before. I thought I knew. Now I am reading all I can and learning why this really happened. Truthfully, I don't think she wants to try to salvage this marriage and I can't fault her for that. I don't understand how I am coming off negative though. Im not saying I'm not. If people are telling me that I am, then obviously I am. I need to figure that out for sure and make sure I'm not coming off as negative towards her! Anyway she told me last night on the phone that if I scheduled an appointment with a counselor that she would go. I asked her to try to spend more time with me, or at least talk to me a little more. If there is no communication then there is no hope at all. The truth is, in another month and a half the divorce can be finalized. I asked if she had been thinking about the divorce, and she said "a little". Knowing my wife, she truly is only thinking about it a little. That scares me. So if I come off as a bit desperate, well I am. I'm trying very hard to give her lots of time and space and not bother her and be there when she wants to talk. Unfortunately, it's rare that she wants to.

I see now where things I say appear negative. Even when I mean to sound exactly opposite. She tells me sometimes that it sounds like it's all about me. I'm a work in progress for sure, and I'm learning to step back and see these things. The most important thing to me right now is holding on to my marriage and proving to my wife that I love her with all my heart and that I will never hurt her again, that she doesn't have to be afraid and that I'm committed to making her happy again. I called someone on this forum today and will be talking to a coach Thursday. It was explained to me that even though I think our communication is very limited and that makes it seem like I will never be able to prove anything to her, I actually have more contact with her than a lot of people do with their spouses in my situation. I'm learning every day. So I am stepping back and giving her more space and I will wait for her. When she calls I will just be pleasant and listen to her and not introduce any ideas about anything pertaining to our situation. I'm hoping that's the right thing to do for right now. It's hard not to panic and feel like the clock is ticking, but I haven't been patient like I thought I was. This forum has been a bigger help than you all know for me.