Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Living in the trenches....Thread #5

Thanks everyone. The general consensus seems to be that I need to start showing my discontent with the situation, so that's what I'm trying....slowly and gently. I don't know if I'm doing this right...so if I need a 2x4, swing away.

W had planned to go see her friend in Ohio over the weekend, but the friend's dad is really sick so she cancelled on her.

I spent most of the weekend giving W "space". I spent most of the day on Saturday out of the house. I took S3 to his swimming lesson in the morning, then spent most of the afternoon outside changing the oil in our cars. Then I went out to pick up some stuff from the store, and when I got home I discovered that someone had hit the back corner of my brand new car. Nice.

W had planned a girls night out that night, so I stayed at home with the kids. When W got home the kids were in bed and I was watching a movie downstairs. W came down and sat on the bed and watched the movie. Then I went to bed upstairs...she stayed downstairs, as she had been the past couple weeks.

Sunday I got up and made pancakes. I took them down to W in bed. As soon as she saw me bringing it down she said "you didn't need to bring me breakfast". I told her I know that, but I wanted to. She ended up not eating them. Then I took the kids out shopping for about 3 hours. When I got back, D6 had been asking me to go to the driving range and she wanted our whole family to go. I told W about this and to my surprise, she agreed to go. We had a pretty good time, but after awhile it was getting pretty cold and W's attitude was going downhill fast. When we got home, I took a short nap and then I had my soccer game. When I got home from soccer, W was already downstairs in bed, reading her book. She was done with her work for the week (she got it done in record time, since she had been planning to go to Ohio for the weekend) so she was trying to "get ahead".

This really bothered me...usually she spends just about every waking moment working on school. She finally had some down time where we could have hung out or something, and she chose to work on school more. I didn't say anything about it, but just went up to bed.

On to yesterday. We had a lazy morning, and the kids were getting stir-crazy so I decided to take them swimming. W decided to stay home and work on school. I took them swimming for 3 ½ hours, we had a great time. Then we all went out to dinner. S3 was so cute, he climbed up into the booth and slept the entire time we were there. It was a ok dinner….W even talked to me about stuff a couple times. Then we went home and got the kids in bed. D6 wanted to cuddle with W and I, so we all laid in our bed. W got up a few minutes after D6 fell asleep, and I fell asleep for about an hour or so. When I woke up I noticed W was gone, and went and saw she was downstairs again. So, I went and asked her why she was sleeping downstairs again. She told me that she doesn’t want to feel like she’s being forced to sleep upstairs….and (again) that we’re not in a great place. Then told me the only reason she came upstairs over the past few months was because we had company and she didn’t like D6 telling them that mommy sleeps downstairs when D6 was giving tours of our house. So I told her that it really hurts to know that my W sleeps downstairs, and she got up and picked up her pillow and said “fine I’ll go sleep upstairs”. I tried telling her that nobody is forcing her to do anything…and I certainly don’t want more resentment.

The talk went on for awhile…I told her a lot of stuff: I don’t understand what we’re doing here. I have been giving her tons of space and it doesn’t seem to be helping anything. I don’t ask her for hardly anything. I have spent nearly the last 3 years (from the moment I found out how upset she was in May 2009) completely devoted to being a better husband, and nothing has gotten better. I don’t understand why she refuses to be happy and accept what she has here. She was the last person on earth I ever wanted to hurt. This isn’t about me…this is about her being happy. I chose to fight and try to make things right instead of taking the easy way out because I love her and always have.

She didn’t say much. She did mention she’s gone from abuse to abuse to abuse and never stood up for herself. She mentioned that I hurt her more than anyone else.

Eventually I ran out of things to say, and we went to bed. (both in our bed).

No idea what awaits me when I get home tonight. She’s going out with a friend to go dress shopping for an upcoming military ball. I’ll be home with our kids. We’ll see how things go.

"The talk went on for awhile…I told her a lot of stuff: I don’t understand what we’re doing here. I have been giving her tons of space and it doesn’t seem to be helping anything. I don’t ask her for hardly anything. I have spent nearly the last 3 years (from the moment I found out how upset she was in May 2009) completely devoted to being a better husband, and nothing has gotten better. I don’t understand why she refuses to be happy and accept what she has here."

Was it you just talking or did she actually talk back. I don't mean her repeating how much you hurt her, etc. But actually talk to you?

"She did mention she’s gone from abuse to abuse to abuse and never stood up for herself. She mentioned that I hurt her more than anyone else. "

At this point you should have held up your hand and told her to stop. That you have tried your hardest to address those issues, but you're not a mind reader, so unless she actually says what is wrong when it happens, you're not going to know. Then tell her to be honest and that she hasn't been a 'saint' also in the past and that you've had to hold in alot. The only way for the cycle to stop is when both of you acknowledge these things and actually stop the blame and start taking responsibility for things.

No, it was pretty much all me talking.

The abuse she's referring to is her childhood, and she's lumped me in for good measure. I have taken responsibility for, apologized for, and corrected all my "problems". It's been over 4 years now since I did anything I would consider to be hurtful. Everything since then has been about why we are stuck in this rut.

Then it's time you stop apologizing my friend. Tell her that she's you understand that she is going through things and you are there and always have been there for support if she needs it. However, you will not continue to be blamed or be the outlet for her frustrations. Tell you you understand that she doesn't like to talk, but you are there for her if she needs it.

Then walk away. Think Steve McQueen cool. Sometimes you need to be assertive to tell her what you will not take any longer.

Hey Navy...

I don't really have any advice for you other than to say that I am in a similar situation as you. I am at 28 months and counting since the bomb was dropped. Wife has remained at home the entire time, but I do have have the OM thrown in as added measure.

I am not sure why, but like you I still love my wife and would like nothing more in life then to have another chance with our relationship. Unfortunately, we can't go back in time and our wives do not want to move forward so we are stuck in this state of limbo. I really admire your dedictation to your children and your willingness to hang in there for their sake. Knowing that there are others out there who have been at this longer than I have provides me with the motivation to keep going.

My wife does not display any outward anger towards me, but there is a definite barrier in place that keeps her from extending any sort of emotional connection to me. It has been years since she has aked me how my day went, how am I feeling or even saying goodnight.

I have given her the green light to proceed with a divorce if that is what she wants, but she has not made any movement in that direction. She doesn't want to proceed with a divorce and she doesn't want to work on establishing a new relationship. Like your situation, it is very frustrating to be held hostage while they try and sort out what they want in life.

Anyways, hang in there. I will continue to monitor your posts, Take care.

She's going to the Army Ball with you I assume Navy?

Navy,
Seriously man you need to put your foot down and let her know you will not be blamed any longer. She has not divorced you, but she has not worked to renewing your marriage either. That in itself is a choice.

You should consider a timeline, and let her know. She won't make a decision because she doesn't have to. Like I said before maybe you can tie it to your PCS. If by the time you PCS she is not ready then you'll leave without her.

Navy:

Sorry to head some 2x4's your way. But i think you are heading to place where you will lose your identity and yourself.

Yup, you have admitted your shortcomings to your wife. But dont beat yourself down.

At this point you have to ask yourself. Am I being a good dad: Yes, Am i taking care of my family: Yes, Am i trying to be there for my wife: Yes, Am i trying to keep this relationship going: Yes. Then yes, you are being the best dad and a partner. And if your wife cannot work with that, then I think you should just come out and say it and let cards fall where they might.

I know it sounds harsh, but your current situation is heading nowhere. you are losing yourself as a man and a dad. This slow poison is gonna kill you inside my friend.

Somehow your wife feels that she bringup the past all the time and be miserable herself and your family along with it. Definitely not a good thing for kids to see. Believe me they notice this. My daughter is 3 and she knows that something if off with mommy and daddy.

Be honest with yourself. Are you a bit scared of what might happen if you "rock the boat". If yes, you are not alone. This is how i too felt before my wife filed. But now when i look back, thats no way to live. Now i really dont put up with much BS with my wife. If she cannot take it, then yup, i am prepared for whats to come. If she realizes what she is losing then yes, she will work with me in our relationship. Your wife needs to make the same choice.

I am sorry if i am being harsh. But when i read your posts, it felt like Deja Vu of my situation last year.

FYI: I don't know if you read this book "Hold on to your nuts". Good book. Just a suggestion. Take care.

How about an update Navy??

How about an update, Denver?


Starsky