Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Living in the trenches....Thread #5

First time coming to your post...
Looks like the holidays brought up some tough memories and emotions- as if the holiday's weren't hard enough going through our sitchs.

I want to say congrats on Flag Aide!! interesting side note: My H interviewed for several Aide positions in CA and DC. He didn't get them b/c the Admirals said they wanted a single guy vs married so the family life wouldn't be interrupted- odd huh? Then why would they give him an interview in the first place? But anyways- I would laugh if you and my H interviewed for the same one in DC... and then you and I end up on this website.... that would be creepy interesting!

I know how busy you are at the beginning of this year.. but I hope you check in and update us on your sitch!!

That means that Adm was high maintenance...

Hey everyone,

I'm alive and kicking. The Admiral's aide thing is going well...I just have to make sure it doesn't go too well and end up being converted from a month-long temporary job into a long term gig. The days have been long (~12 hours), and I'm doing a lot of small, assinine tasks, but I do get to see some pretty cool things. On my first day I got to go to a meeting in the Pentagon at which nearly every 3 and 4 star Admiral in the Navy was in attendance. In the end though, I have no interest in doing this for a longer period of time, as it would definitely detract from my family time.

JS: Thanks for the great advice. It REALLY helped me get through the trip to Colorado successfully. I think that you were dead on in that she was testing me...if not that, she was certainly watching with an extremely close eye.

The trip went well (we are all back in Virginia!) and despite a few minor arguments, we did not have a big blow up. I really focused on letting W have her space and tried to be as understanding as I possibly could be of her discomfort with staying at my parents house for 2 weeks. We had a good time and even had a few pseudo-dates while we were there, which were a lot of fun. Now that we're back home with the stress of being around our families lifted and having made it through that 2 weeks, things have been going pretty well at home.

W is definitely moving back toward me emotionally. My biggest frustration at this point is the lack of physical contact...but I try to remember that for a W, emotion has to come first. At this point she is letting me initiate physical contact, but she does not initiate it or return it.

Looking back through my thread here, I am definitely still on the roller coaster....and I don't know if that will ever end. I think what is most important is learning to deal with the ups and downs without puking all over yourself.

Hi Navy: Nice to see that things are going good for you.

Yea as you said, the toughest thing for you will be to make sure you not get on your wife's roller coaster. If you do, you will really regret it. Stay off and look at it has her suffering and loss. She is making this bad for herself and there's not much you can do about it. Just be the best you can. We have to believe that everyone one fine day will get up, look at themselves and see how miserable they have been and change.

good luck!

Things have been going really well here, but had a hiccup last night.

I got home from work around 7 (gotta love this Admiral's aide thing) and W had dinner ready...we had a nice dinner and then I took the kids to the basement to play Wii. W opened a bottle of wine right after dinner. All good.

When I came upstairs with the kids, W was outside on her phone, talking to a friend, so I put the kids to bed. Still all good.

Then after the kids were in bed, I was in the kitchen and W came in, still on the phone. I saw a beer on the counter and asked if it was hers, since I had been drinking the same beer and couldn't remember if I had left mine there or not. She didn't answer, but then asked me if I had heard something about some old friends of ours. I asked her again if the beer was hers, she then said yes and asked me the question about the friends again. I answered, and then asked her if the bottle of wine from before dinner was gone. She said no, it's in the fridge.

I wanted a glass, so I went and got the bottle out and noticed there was only one glass left in the bottle. I made a face and apparently looked at the bottle too long. W was watching me and she got mad, thinking that I was saying she had drank too much. W was still on the phone, and she went back outside, obviously pissed off at me.

A bit later, I was getting ready for bed. W got off the phone and came into the bedroom, told me her version of what had happened and let me have it...basically "if you have a problem you need to tell me and not make faces and all that". I said I don't have a problem...I was just surprised that there was only 1 glass of wine left. I apologized for making her feel like I was judging her, we talked for a bit and then I thought we had ended on an ok note.

W went out to go watch TV, and I went to bed. Right before I went to sleep I sent W a text that simply said "sorry". I guess I sent it because it felt like she didn't accept my apology...apparently I was right. She texts back: "If you have a problem with me, tell me. The theatrics are obnoxious and they set our progress back more than you could ever know". Haven't talked to her yet today, as I had to get up at 5 AM to leave for work.

On the positive side, W did eventually come and sleep in our bed...and I guess she technically did acknowledge that we are (were) making progress. But man, what a stupid, pointless setback this is.

Navy, the last time I looked humans were prone to make mistakes. We’re just as likely to learn from them also. You said she was on the phone to a friend there may have been something in that conversation that contributed to her response.

I did not perceive how you validated her feelings. I did read about your apology.

As you posted a hiccup. It hopefully will move in the past never to be dredged up. If it doesn’t perhaps it is a symptom of something else greater, perhaps another 180 on the horizon.

Gosh Navy

I've been a fan of yours the whole time. But she's putting in WHAT effort?

where is the progress? She said she and the kids were learning Russian and she misses THEM...she left out any reference to her missing you...(seemed pointed to me)

She is she still cold to you? Sounds as if she has a loaded gun with her hand on the trigger for the slightest infractions she THINKS you commit...and you apologized-twice- for having facial expressions she didn't like???

so

how are YOUR needs in this marriage being met?

As an LBSer for 2 years, I KNOW mine were not met by a long shot for a long time. I am not saying to quit!! I'm saying is this really working so hot?...a year later?

Though I grew in my two years apart (and I had a goal in mind--d's graduation from high school was my "internal timeline", I was not simply waiting that long-I had a reason)

But I had a lot of signs of progress along the way too--and my h never actually said he wanted a divorce (just was content to force us to move 3000 miles away or he would--and did--alone)

but he always wanted to ML...never pushed me out of the bed, let alone for months. Always acted as if all was well (kind of weird at times too...like he was gaslighting me, you know?)

your w seems to relive her "traumas" (b/c I honestly don't know how many, if any, belong to YOU)


and boy does she stay stuck!....and then YOU stay stuck. You want to put her through law school like this? And then what?


What are YOUR 180s and GAL?

Guess I MIGHT ask her what progress she was referring to, b/c I don't see it. Do you really? I'm being sincere.

That she shares a bed with you? Wouldn't not sharing it be more awkward for HER?

Sorry if I"m missing the great news here b/c others say they see it so I could be way off...truly I am.

I just don't want to see a man like you settling for mistreatment this long.
WHEN it's possible you could get her back for real, with a different approach.

If she feared losing you....I think she'd change her tune.

In sum, do you feel your approach is working enough that you see the light at the end of the tunnel?

hang in there Navy man!!

Thanks! In my opinion...none. She thinks she's doing me this huge favor and suffering by just being around.



Good point...I didn't read it that way...I guess I've basically gotten used to her using language like that.



There are occasional moments, but in general I would say she is more cold than warm.

The wine/facial expression drama continued on Saturday morning. W and I were supposed to go to a Military party...I asked her if she still wanted to go (the kids had been sick and we were going to get a babysitter)...she said she was going to stay home with the kids. I asked if she was ok. She obviously wasn't...so I asked what was wrong and she got really upset. Obviously she's still pissed about Thursday. So I try explaining myself (again) and she refuses to hear what I am saying. She was convinced that I either think she's an alcoholic or that I was just trying to hurt her, and either way, it made her feel terrible about herself.

She starts raising her voice and I ask if we can go talk in our room...she says no, so I ended the conversation. I went in our room, and I hear D6 approach W in the hallway and ask her "why were you yelling at daddy". W responds "because daddy said something that hurt my feelings"...and went on to relate it to the time D6 said something mean to a girl at school. Then W goes outside and D6 comes and talks to me...she said "I'm going to make a picture for you and mommy so you guys can be friends again". I was crushed. D6 drew a picture of W and I holding hands on a nice sunny day and we were both wearing our favorite color clothes. Then it was time to take the kids to Tae Kwon Do.

I'll spare the details, but W and I ended up going to the party that afternoon. At the party, W had quite a few beers. We didn't talk/interact much. At one point W started talking to a mutual friend of ours (a guy) and they were sitting in a booth together talking. Then they went outside together for a smoke. No big deal, really...I know the guy well and I'm fairly sure W was just trying to get a rise out of me. (I guess I'll count that as a 180.) Later on, it was time to go. We walked to the car...and as soon as W got in she started feeling sick. We pulled over 3 times on the way home. At one of the stops she said "I'm never going to try to teach you a lesson again". I didn't respond. I dropped her off at home and went and picked up the kids and then took them out to dinner.

W has been a bit more pleasant since then.



They're quite obviously not, on about every possible level. I guess I'm still "sucking it up" in the hope that she'll turn around. I had this talk with my IC 8 months ago...she got really pissed at my W and was amazed at my capacity to suck it up and live like this.

Funny thing I forgot to mention at the party...as I was working the room, 3 people (2 guys, 1 girl) whom I was talking to and who I would say are good friends, but not people I have talked about my sitch, asked how W and I were doing. It was very obvious that they were trying to gently nudge me to quit putting up with her BS. It felt good to hear that in a way.



I don't think it is working...sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't. But I have no clue what else to do. If I were to up the GAL, I think that would just lead to resentment instead of the desired effect of making her think she might be losing me. I think my reasoning behind doing this is my kids. I want them to grow up in a happy family with both parents. Our kids have a pretty darn good life right now, and I don't see how it could be maintained if W and I were not together.



My W has never used the D word either. Her party line has always been "I don't know what I want".




Agree. No. Even I don't think I can keep this up for another 6-7 years.



180s have been being more involved in the kids' life, helping more around the house, really listening to W, putting her needs first, decreasing my "me" time.

GAL really ties into the last 180...one of her complaints was that I was selfish and would leave her at home with the kids...so I am very cautious to increase GAL at this point.



I see some...a year ago, W would have just buried the whole wine/making a face incident and added it to her internal rage depository. While I think she is still extremely sensitive to things like that, at least she is telling me about it.

We ML only 2 days before the incident...W initiated it. The physical contact was still mostly intiated by me, but there have been some positive moments.

I do feel closer emotionally. Hard to quantify that one, but it is there.



I agree...but I wouldn't know where to start. I think that if I pull back and she catches on to it she is just going to resent me for it and it would make it easier for her to leave. I can't be around her and ignore her. Honestly, I think it may take something drastic, (like me telling her if she's really that unhappy she should leave) but that's pretty scary and has a chance of blowing up in my face.



I see the light...but I never seem to get any closer to it.

Thanks for the post 25...much appreciated (and needed).

NG: Your situation is one that sticks in my mind most out of all the ones I've read on these boards.

I am so incredibly frustrated for you.

Any advice I have is frustration-fueled and not DB at all, so I will keep my opinions to myself.

I really admire your strength and patience,

All the best.
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Navy... you remind me of me two months ago... so terrified of divorce, and particularly of how it will effect the kids that you'll do and put up with almost anything to stave off divorce. Now... I'm heading right towards divorce and my W is moving out in a few weeks time, so what I'm going to say here should be viewed in that light. BUT...

placating and making my W's life easier didn't earn me anything. I don't know if it hurt things or not... but it didn't stop the eventuality of it. It did hurt me more. It did cause me incredible pain and grief.

The other thing I can tell you is that the mental construct I had made of what divorce and telling the kids would look like was nothing like it really was. Now, we haven't moved apart yet... and it's not exactly Disneyland here, but it's not the dungeons of the Spanish Inquisition either. Yes, the kids are hurting. Yes, my five year old son is having challenges processing it. But you know what? At least it's out there and we can talk about it. No longer am I showing the kids that a marriage is where two people don't talk, don't touch, and don't interact.

So I'm not saying run towards the divorce switch... but I am saying don't be terrified of it. Yes, the standard of living will change. But perhaps that needs to be part of it. The kids will be effected by a D, but they don't have to be destroyed by it. That's up to how the parents choose to deal with it.