Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused and alone

I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but since my posts are moderated and delayed, I don't quite remember what I have written already.

My husband is supposed to come home from our temporary separation. He went to a hotel for a few days. I know that his head is still not in the right place. Yesterday, once again he said in a text that "we are doomed" and that he doesn't believe it will ever improve. He also said that he's terrified of coming home. I don't know what he's terrified about. Can he not stand being in the same room with me? Could he have anxiety issues? I'm very terrified about tonight, too. I don't know what to say or how to react. I know not to bring up R, but I know he will. To prove a point, he'll take something and beat it to death and then some. I know he will ask me again how I feel about this.

Today is also my first IC. I'm looking forward to it. I hope I can learn some tips for tonight and how to get through XMas. I am afraid of what will happen after the holidays. I'm so tired of this self pity, but I'm in so much pain. If he decides to move out for a longer period, I know I will need to let him go. The thought of that rips me apart. What a big mess!

Just journaling...it's been emotional couple of days.

1) Had my first IC on Friday. It went well, I think. Going back next week.

2) H came home Friday night. His head is still elsewhere. He still believes we're better of separate. The first night we did ok not talking R. He slept on the couch. The next day started ok, but went downhill. We each went separate ways doing last minute xmas shopping and didn't see each other half of the day. I also went for a walk in late afternoon so that H and S could have one on one time and I wanted to get away. He's been rather mean to S, always getting on his case and yelling. I feel so sad for S as I see his little heart crush. I can't comfort him either, or else H will get mad at me. But sitting there doing nothing, H can tell it bothers me, so he started getting at me for parenting S a certain way. I tried to keep cool, but then couldn't keep my mouth shut and said that not everyone's heart is stone cold and that we can't all turn off our feelings like that. Well, you can imagine the rest. R talk happened again, I tried to keep calm and neutral, but couldn't help but get emotional. I keep trying to tell myself that he doesn't mean what he says, that his actions are controlled by his feelings without any logic or anything. But it's so hard to brush it off. He said he didn't want to be there, but was there for S.

After S was in bed, we wrapped presents. He actually wrapped, too, which he normally doesn't unless it's for me. He stayed on the couch again. He came into bed early morning, but later I found out that he thought that S would wake up and jump on the bed all excited for Xmas. Well, that didn't happen, he woke up and I went into his room and we cuddled for a few minutes.

Opening presents was good. S was very excited. H and I exchanged gifts, too. Nothing too personal, but still makes me feel weird if he really does leave then these things will remind me of him.

I made breakfast for us and then we played a new XBox Kincet game that S got. It almost felt "normal".

I also found out that H is considering C, which he didn't before. However, he is thinking about the C that our friend used when he was getting through his divorce a year ago. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I still don't think he wants to work this out. I know I'm early in the DB stages and still have a lot to learn, but it stinks when you don't see any glimpses of home. H asked me what I would do if we separated and if we can be friendly with each other.

This morning H also said that he was sorry that our marriage was in the $%#*&$. I said "me too".

nhmom-
sorry you haven't gotten a lot of responses... it's hard when you're being moderated and with it being the weekend and holidays, it takes while for your posts to show.

I'm glad you had an almost normal Xmas morning. It's good that your H was there to share the experience with your S.

One thing that bothered me while reading your post was your H's reaction to your S. It's concerning that he is harsh to him and at the same time, won't allow you to comfort S (did I read that correctly? Don't want to interpret wrong.) I think that when it comes to your S, DB doesn't matter. Your job is to protect your son and comfort him when he is hurting- even from his own dad. That's a really hard place to be in, but in that moment- it's not about your or your H- it's about your S. I don't recall reading it in previous posts, but how old is your S?

As far as R talk, my rule that I have adapted is to NEVER bring it up. If it's going to be talked about, my H will have to be the one to approach the subject. My thinking is this: if he's the one who wants to leave, than he will have to be the one to bring up the uncomfortable talks. Besides, if I don't bring it up- than I'm not 'saying' to him: 'hey, I'm really excited about this separation- let's talk about all the details!' NO WAY!! What I've discovered, is that my H hasn't brought it up in over a week! We've been hanging out and it kinda feels like old times (except that I can't kiss/hug or ML when I want to- we stopped all of that over a month ago.)

I would count a few things as positives:
-He came home for Xmas
-He had enough forethought to know that he should be in the bed just in case S came in on Xmas morning (I think this shows that he was concerned about confusing/upsetting S if y'all were not in the same bed)
-H is considering C. This is BIG! Especially if he never talked about it before. Perhaps he's realizing that you're not the cause of his unhappiness (as most MLCers do) and that he has some work to do as well.

Keep posting often- you aren't alone in this at all!!
Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday with your S

I too think the C is a good sign. Hang in there!

I agree with purgatory that with regard to your S - you need to protect him and your H angry behavior towards him is distrubing.

I think it is a good sign that your H is interested in seeing a C however I dont think its a good idea for him to go to a any C, especially one that may be pro-divorce. If you think this C may be pro divorce I would not encourage it.

My H and I went to MCs (a husband & wife team) and my H had an individual C shortly after ILYBNILWY. All of these quacks supported my H conviction that if you are unhappy in your M and feel that you are not your fully actualized self you should get a D, - the kids are better off with 2 happy, fully actualized parents who are divorced than a couple where one person is not fully actualized. (It still sound shocking to me that they actually said this.) This type of C really was a big step backwards. It really reinforced my H distorted views on our R. Be careful. For me most friends & family (including his) had a more pro-M approach

Hang in there unfortunately this will take longer than you want

Thanks everyone for your responses! It's been an interesting couple of days for sure.

My son just turned 4. When I posted about H being mean to S, he wasn't physical or anything, but yelled a lot, expected him to listen and do what he wanted on the first try. If he didn't, then S got taken away something he really wanted, got immediately sent to time out, etc. I set boundaries with S, but my interpretation of S doing things "wrong" are different than H's, and also I think there are different consequences for different actions. H disagrees. Parenting styles has been a major initiator in disagreements. H has zero patience and IMHO expects A LOT from a 4 year old.

Ok, here's what happened in the last couple of days:

XMas day: we went to MIL's in the afternoon. I could tell that H didn't really want to go. This would be the first time H would face his mother after I told her what's going on. I'm sure he expected an earful, but she didn't bring anything up. At first he seemed unseasy and was always on his phone (which his mother found irritating as well). Then he started drinking wine and started to loosen up. We all had a good dinner and good conversations. Back home after S was in bed, he initiated affection and I gave in. We had a good night ML and he hugged and kissed me for the first time in a couple of months.

My dilemma is that this all happened because he'd been drinking. Though I didn't have as much as him, I still went along with everything. I didn't want to go to sleep out of fear that all of that would end in the morning. The next day he was hurting pretty badly. The affection was definitely gone. I asked him if he remembered what happened and he said he remembered parts. I left it at that. We had breakfast and then he wanted to buy a new TV for the bedroom. We spend half of the day going to different stores and comparing prices. He said he wanted to have a better one in the bedroom so that he could play video games and not feel like he'd be taking over the TV in the living room. Not sure what to think of that quite yet.

Some positive things I noticed over the past couple of days:

- he wore the shirt I got him for XMas to his mom's
- new TV for bedroom: thinking about future at home? or could be quite opposite and thinking TV for him when me moves out?
- much better and calmer with S since XMas. Yesterday we also found out that S has mild pneumonia and double ear infection. He seemed concerned, called and texted me throughout the day. He also offered to stay home with him today (I stayed home yesterday). Also, for XMas I got H and S tickets to see a minor league hockey game (Mon night), which they went to and seemed to have enjoyed.
- occasionally when he'd talk I'd notice some indications to "we" or to something sort of in the "future"
- though intoxicated, he wanted to call my sister because we hasn't heard from her and also asked her when she'd be coming to visit. H has been like a big brother to her and known her since she was 9 or 10 (H and I have been together for 13 years, married 8 1/2). My sister knows our sitch and was a little nervous on the phone (he put her on speaker phone), but kept it neutral and friendly.
- before we went over to MIL's, he had mentioned that he wanted to cancel our New Year's plans with friends. I told him I thought he would do that and that was fine. While at MIL's, she asked what we were doing for New Year's, and he said that we'd be going to friends. Later that night I asked him if he'd changed his mind and he said that we didn't have anything better to do (but this was also after a few glasses of wine). I don't know what he's thinking today, but will probably wait until Friday to ask.

However, he's also seem to have distanced himself a little again, which I gather from reading on this forum that it's normal:
- last night he stayed on the couch again
- there is no affection from him: no smiles, no hugs or kisses when coming or leaving

So I don't know where that leaves me at this point. I have 2 theories on the way he acted when he was intoxicated:

1) Wine made his anger and hurt go away temporarily. He remembered that he liked me and could have fun with me. It was almost like the "old" times.
2) The alcohol made his true feelings go away. Obviously, his hurt and anger are real and need to be dealt with. Drinking is not the way to deal with it though.

I'm still working on GAL: Got a month gym membership from MIL. I'm also going out to dinner with friends tonight.

I have my second IC appointment tomorrow. I didn't write a letter to H like C suggested expressing my thoughts and feelings on this. She had asked whether he was actually listening and hearing to what I had to say when we talked, and I told her I didn't think so. I don't think a person can really hear what you have to say when they're in such a state. Because of the rollercoaster stuff that has happened in the last few days, I would rather not bring up R myself. I am trying not to get obsessed with the little good signs or gestures from him, but I am also trying to notice them and be grateful for them. Since, according to H, I am not good at showing appreciation and take things for granted, one of my 180's is to be more appreciative of everything.

BklynMom - I completely agree with you about H not seeing just any counselor. I myself was weary at first and wanted to be sure to see a counselor that is pro-marriage. But I also know that I want our M to work, so it was important for me to find the right C. I've only seen my IC once so far, but I do like her. She seemed pro-marriage and did say that she believes that one person can improve a relationship. She was somewhat familiar with DB as well, but I think she's still catching up on it, but definitely for it.

I wish I knew what C he's considering so that I could at least look him/her up. I don't want to ask our friend as I'm not sure he knows our sitch and don't want to upset H. I don't know at what point our friend started seeing C, but his story was a little messed up. First, he was having an EA and then a PA with an old school friend. He told his W and didn't care at first. Then his W had an affair with someone and didn't want things to work. At that point our friend had learned his lesson and did want to make his marriage work, but his wife had already checked out. He was definitely hurting and D was not his initiation. So I'm hoping that the C may indeed be pro-marriage, but also helps people get through it if it doesn't work. Our friend is in a new relationship now and occasionally his GF goes to C with him. H is also considering this C because it's in the town he works and it would be more convenient. I hope that maybe some day he'll be willing to do C together, but I'm not pressuring him.

I also think that H needs C regardless of our marriage. He has a lot of built up and unresolved emotions from his childhood, and then also from reconnecting with his biological mom. I'm sure that our M problems are something that he didn't expect to have and made him get to the point where he feels like he can't take it all. I know one of the reasons he's angry with me is that he doesn't feel that I have provided him with the emotional support that he needed. I should have been his shoulder to lean on, but instead I was wrapped up with stress and who knows what and was blind to his needs. He feels deeply hurt by that, that I let him down. I hope one day he will allow me to be that shoulder again. I feel terribly disappointed with myself that it got to this point. I know it takes two and I'm not accepting all the blame myself. I'm not blaming anyone really. I've accepted that we humans are not perfect and making mistakes is part of life. The important point is to learn from the mistakes. I've learned a lot from this experience already and don't want to make the same mistakes twice.

Feeling kind of down today. I guess due the pull back from H last night and today. I know I shouldn't expect much from the last few days. I know it can be 3 steps forward, 2 steps back; that it's all part of the roller coaster ride. It still doesn't feel good though. I guess what bothers me is when he sleeps on the couch. Then my hope slips away and I feel alone. H was out at his soccer game pretty much all night and came home when I was going to bed. He didn't even say good night and fell asleep on the couch. I heard him get up to go to the bathroom closer to the morning, but he went back to the couch.

Work is pretty slow today, so that gives me a lot of time to think, which is not always good.

Anyway, I'll be home for a couple of hours tonight. I'm going to use this time to play with S and make dinner for H and S. Then I'm off to dinner with friends and I'll probably be out for a good 2-3 hours.

nhmom-

I know who you feel. Hang in there. I was suppose to have drinks and dinner with friends last night, but they cancelled. So I did the next best thing - I cooked everything under the sun. It always helps keep me calm and my mind focused on other things.

I hope you enjoy dinner with your friends.

It was good to get out with friends last night. Only one friend knows about my sitch, but she didn't bring it up and I was grateful for that. It was good to just get out and catch up and have fun. When I got home, H was asleep on the couch. This morning he didn't ask me about my evening, but that's alright. H is still distancing himself. We talk, but usually only about S.

I have today and tomorrow off. I did send S to daycare in the morning because I had my IC appt. I decided to swing by the gym to start the membership I got from MIL for XMas. Working out used to be my outlet to de-stress and make me feel better. I haven't had a gym membership in over a year. The gym has a kid area and apparently you don't need to sign up ahead of time, so I'm excited about that.

IC went well. This was my 2nd appt. I like how the C was able to listen to me and give me suggestions. She was very encouraging and said I was doing great. Taking one day at a time.