Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How do you let go? Calling it quits.

Hi hope-

I'm sorry your Christmas turned out the way it did. Last year at Christmas it was awful. Not as badly as yours, but I know how it feels to have a day that is supposed to be special go to sh*t.

As for telling you how to let go, I wish I had the magic answer to that question. It's not easy and it's a process, and even after 11 months I don't know if I've completely let go.
I guess you start by thinking of yourself more, doing things that benefit YOU and make you happy.
I'll suggest the book "Codependent no more" because it truly was a wake up for me.

I know you want to hurry and leave so you don't beg and plead with your H, but I still would caution you on jumping the gun. Don't react out of emotion. Just give it some thought.

Hope... I'm fairly new here so some might strongly disagree with what I will say... and it suxx to be in your sitch and not have any good options, but...

you should D. Even in DR Michelle says in situations of abuse it's time to go. You are being abused. By your stepkids and through them by your husband. The boys' actions are not acceptable and if your H isn't stopping them and standing up to them, then he is complicit.

What happens when one of the boys does something extreme? When they take your truck and you confront them? What if they assault you? Get drunk and hit you or worse?

Perhaps you're just too close to see the big picture, but if you were my sister or friend I'd be telling you to get out and do it fast.

Hello Hope, I remember reading some of your early threads. I have to echo what others have posted about not acting in haste during the heat of emotions. That it seems as if you are backed into a corner is plain from your posts.

I have been accused of abuse and stood dumbfounded wondering where did that come from. I have looked long and hard and yes if viewed from the correct angle, some of what I did could be considered abusive. So I normally hesitate, however what you have described need not be interpretated.

That you still want this to bust is also evident. We all do to one degree or another, which is why many of us are still here. I don’t think there is any magic in being done or hurrying to get there. I think it just happens one day.

My best advice is to gather as much information about what your next few steps will require and what that place will be like. Plan to get there with as minimal effort and expense as possible, emotional as well as monetary.



I know you are upset, but this is mind reading and negative, and cannot be helping you deal. I know b/c I do it also.

I think trust, respect, and communication are key components of any relationship. From what you’ve posted here they are lacking.

I wish I had more for you ((((Hope))))

Thank you everyone. i didnt see my thread went to page 2 so i kept reloading, hoping for a response, like we all do here. This morning i finally saw and feel less alone, thank you.

My family is telling me to hit the brakes too until i talk to a lawyer so i dont forfeit any rights or assets. H has no assets and nothing i want and we only have 3 pieces of communal property. he is the materialistic one, not me. I only ever wanted love and a family. Id like to keep my health insurance until the D is final, but i doubt hed pay that because thats who he is - greedy and uncaring when hes on the defense. So now i feel completely stuck here.

I messed up last night. H left at 5 for drinks with the neighbor at a local bar. He didnt get home until almost 10. I asked where he was, he said with this friend. I shouldnt have asked, shouldnt have shown it bothered me.

He is still wearing his ring, still sleeping in same bed. we havent said more than a few sentences to each other since the bomb. In the past (as in even just last week) if i try to have any real conversations with him about us, boys, life, etc he is on the phone or computer or watching tv. He doesnt even have enough respect for me to give me his full attention. But if he wants to talk, if he needs a friend, i am all ears. He knows im in emotional hell right now, but hes pulling all the strings. I guess thats the biggest reason i want to go, to get myself back.

So what do i do now????

Agree with WHG, you're in a dangerous situation.

Protect yourself.

JustStunned, you are right. I am mind-reading and being negative. I know i need to stop but cant seem to help myself. This was always my biggest problem with DBing, for both marriages.

Leaving, focusing on a new future and having some hope is a complete 180 for me because i really feel just broken, hopeless, negative, defensive, hurt and alone. Trying to fake it til i make it, failing at it.

I dont know if i should start packing today or not. I told H i was going to this week so if i dont, i look like i didnt mean it and im just cowering again to make peace. If i do, i dont know if will blow up the situation worse. Now, i dont even know when i will be moving or if my family is backtracking on letting me live at my grandmothers.

I am going to go work out, another 180 since i havent done that in 6 months because im afraid to make a hernia worse. Hitting the treadmill, so mzybe that will be ok. I need to get my mind clear. And i need to eat something, which i havent done since the bomb 2 days ago. I wish i didnt let all this get to me like it does.

Hopefully i can fix computer today to catch up with everyone and not have all typos i do on the mobile.

Thank you everyone.

WGH and ladybug, i really dont think the boys are a danger to me. although they are here every other full week, i have as little contact with them as possible because i just dont like being around them anymore. I stay at the office later, i go to bed earlier, i watch tv in a different room. They are teens and dont want to be around us anyway. H tries to engage them, i dont.

They know unliks their mom and dad who kiss their butts, i wont. I have no problem pressing charges or calling the police or defending myself so the leave me alone. The dont have the same respect for their father.

H says the boys are staying at their moms for the next month or so. Their stepdad is dying so its only right they be there. And H wants a break from them too. So he says. Hs word really doesnt mean much though.

Hope... I spent six years working at a in-residence boot camp school for at-risk youth. Quite frankly, most of the boys there sound exactly like your stepsons... I even remember we frequently would have twins attending. My role was as a drill sergeant and then as the supervisor of the drill sergeants.

So just my insight and experience talking here... I can't tell you how many times I've heard your words come out of the mouth of a stepparent. But it was slightly different... it was, "I really never thought they'd be a danger to me until...". I'm saying all it takes is one moment, one incident, etc... And they don't even have to have intent. High on some drug or another... drunk and without their full faculties... whatever the reason. Just be very careful. At-risk teenagers are a powder keg. You didn't create the mess and god bless you for wanting to stick it out.

But if H doesn't want it, I would suggest you look deep inside yourself and figure out why you're drawn to this sort of drama and situation.

And I say this from experience. I fell in love with a manic depressive single mom with two small kids, a PITA XH, and a binge drinking problem. I've come to realize I did that because I have a need to "save" people and "fix" them to feel validated. I am now working on that so my next R, whether that is with my estranged W or with someone else, doesn't follow the same script.

Hope, I don't know your entire situation, but here is a thought...

My h held it over my head nearly every day that he was leaving, and wanted out.

In retrospect, H now tells me that deep down, he didn't really want to go, he just wanted things to change but didn't know if it would, or how to do it.

Our d also had behavioral problems, and H felt like leaving would be one way to solve that problem too. He felt like he was in over his head, and wanted away, as far as he could go.

WHG, i hear you. I have the same problem, always getting into Rs with men with issues. I really thought this time was different. First 2 years boys were really and we were really close. Then teen hormones hit, H and XW started competing for time and attention from them and stopped disciplining them. Before this they were A students, never in trouble, everyone loved them. Yet here i am, in another dysfunctional family like i can read the future on this stuff but never to run from it.

I have begged H to send them to one of those camps before it gets worse (they dont have police records and we havent found drugs or seen them high. Yet). but they are so expensive, times two. Way out of our reach and XW would never do it. H probably wouldnt do it either. As bad as it sounds, i keep praying they do something to get in trouble and make that court ordered.