I fully plan on going! I am still somewhat in shock and not getting too far ahead of myself. Baby steps. That said......deep, deep, deep in the inner recesses of my soul, yeah.......there is a tiny little happy dance going on. More like a happy "shuffle".....hoping to be a dance.
I am setting low expectations.......gonna take it slow......and keep working on me for d@mn sure.
Still in disbelief. This did NOT seem like a possibility 2 days ago.
So I drifted in and out of sleep in a mild state of disbelief all night. It seems like it is possible that I am transitioning *maybe* out of one phase of this and into another. The "talking" phase. I need help, because what I am beginning to see is that she is expressing doubts in my sincerity and I don't really know the best way to handle or reassure. I received the following messages from her this morning on the drive in to work:
"I would like to know why it took my leaving for you to 'get it' "
"I am also suspicious of the timing of your letter. Why now?"
I periodically glance at the "piecing" board and pretty much believe there is trust that needs to be gained back somehow (consistency in words AND actions??) - I think it is just now hitting me that IF I am entering this stage (big IF) this is not going to be easy.
I am prepared to answer both of her questions. The "why did it take me leaving" issue has come up and I DO owe her a response on that - I think I will write that one as well (much, much, much shorter letter). As for the "why now" question....what do you say, you know?
Do you think it would be a good idea to do a joint session to process your letter. It is overwhelming to me."
And she didn't even have to see you face to face and have you look into her eyes. That's even better! It was no accident that the judge didn't show up yesterday.
She is torn about her decision now. You have have been shown a little crack in the door. She could go either way at this point.
It's a positive sign, Crimson. Just try not to take that sign as her saying she's giving you another chance. That's not what she's doing, yet. However, she is interested in finding out more about that letter and just what those words really mean.
I know, you want to DO something to put this on stronger grounds before she changes her mind, but you have to stay calm. She needs to feel that you are confident in the new "you", and IMO, showing patient and calmness will support this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It took me a long time to switch the focus from what is wrong with her to what is wrong with ME. Once I did that, I started to get better answers and more clarity. More importantly, I started finding SOLUTIONS for me and gaining the courage to follow through on them (GAL, etc.). Once I really thought through things from her perspective and started to connect dots, I got answers. The more answers I got, the more compelled I was to tell her what I was discovering and let her know what my part was in out meltdown. I felt I needed to let her know that I understood why she did what she did -regardless of the outcome. Then, she gave me a tiny window in which to do it - and I just let it all out. Everything that I had learned from introspection, from DR/DB - from other books I've read.
I think her suspicion on the timing stems from the fact that we are hitting the "rapids" in terms of D proceedings and I had to stroke my first spousal maint./child support check this week. My guess would be she thinks I am trying to say or do anything to NOT have to keep writing them. Anyone that has follwed my sitch knows that is just not the case.
As for why it took her leaving for me to "get it":
That is an easy one. I have said all along that once I looked inward it was plainly clear that something this painful and disruptive had to happen in order to knock me out of the track I was in. Otherwise, NOTHING would have forced me to look inward and admit that I had to change.....nothing. I was so stuck in my ways, my beliefs and my way of living that I had (unknowingly) grown immune to the input of others - esp. my W. I would have easily continued down the path I was on and never would have done the introspection needed to really identify what needed to change. To put it frankly, I had to lose everything and hit an emotional rock bottom.
That, friends, is the honest truth. I hope she is open to hearing it.
And she didn't even have to see you face to face and have you look into her eyes. That's even better! It was no accident that the judge didn't show up yesterday.
She is torn about her decision now. You have have been shown a little crack in the door. She could go either way at this point.
It's a positive sign, Crimson. Just try not to take that sign as her saying she's giving you another chance. That's not what she's doing, yet. However, she is interested in finding out more about that letter and just what those words really mean.
I know, you want to DO something to put this on stronger grounds before she changes her mind, but you have to stay calm. She needs to feel that you are confident in the new "you", and IMO, showing patient and calmness will support this.
I am always reminded of a quote I love from Christopher Reeve (yes Superman) if you recall he had a spinal chord injury and has since passed on but this is what he said before he did:
"To be truly free in life takes either tragedy or courage. To my children I certainly recommend the latter."
Unforntunately for lots of us it takes tragedy.
But that tragedy can be either a rite of passage or semething that will break you.
Victim or Victorious?
Honesty works best Crimson.
If the words come from the depth of your soul they will echo with sincerity.
There is no way to lose here.It is all upside if you are honest with the dude in the mirror.
Just live it now.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
That's even better! It was no