Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 2)

You need a bigger, hot water tank....

definitely need something

definitely need something

Okay friends - I have come to some realizations as I head into 2012:

My W didn't choose to be this unhappy, and has a lifetime of trauma to sort out in addition to our M issues. A lot on her plate.

Instead of looking at her actions in light of how they affect me I am looking at her in terms of how I can help her. When the bomb dropped I was incapable of this but have grown.

I no longer care about time and what and when I expect her to sort all of this out.

I truly love her and will give her all the time in the world, whatever she needs, whenever she needs it.

I have realized that I can do this for her, that I'm strong enough. I didn't know this about myself when the bomb dropped but through this have found something in me that has learned and accepted that true love means you think of your lover first and do not think in terms of how everything affects you first, no matter how painful. I'll let her sort our her life and be there for her. Yes, in the meantime I will focus on how I can improve and make that happen, but I will not add any stress to my W who is already struggling so hard.

Whatever the outcome, however long it takes I will be here by her side, all the while being the best Dad I can be.

I just feel so strong as I enter the year. Now let's just hope the Mayans aren't right!

I guess it is like having a loved one with a terminal illness? Good way of seeing things. The Mayan calendar is wrong they ran out of stone that they. Good job and happy new year

Rick - It is good to see your renewed focus and determination to helping your W work through her issues with unconditional love. The fact that you are willing to "give her all the time in the world" is truly commendable.

But, are you certain that your W is interested in you waiting? I mean, isn't she the one who wants out of the marriage? How do you know she is willing to put any effort into repairing the M? What signals are you getting to suggest that is the case?

And if she isn't interested in repairing the M or doesn't want you to wait, how will you deal with that realization?

I don't mean to be a downer here, but I could just as easily say the same thing about waiting as long as it takes for my W to heal and then work on the M. The problem is, she is the WAW and I don't see any signs at present to suggest she wants me to wait and work it out. It doesn't mean I'm not willing or won't wait. I will, but for how long? And, as you and I both know, events have a way of provoking reactions that then take us down unintended paths.

So, I guess my questions is, how are you going to manage through this?

Your post is beautiful. It is true love to give her that gift.

"Instead of looking at her actions in light of how they affect me I am looking at her in terms of how I can help her"

I have moments when I have similar feelings for my H. I mean looking at these WAS they look so possessed it is hard not to feel bad for them sometimes.

I think your new perspective will have a imperceptible yet enormous effect.

To say you will give W as much time as she needs is a true 180 for anyone and so unconditionally loving.

I wish I could say I will give H as much time as he needs right now I have till April.

Thanks Rick.

2TP
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But, are you certain that your W is interested in you waiting? I mean, isn't she the one who wants out of the marriage? How do you know she is willing to put any effort into repairing the M? What signals are you getting to suggest that is the case?

Rick
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I appreciate you asking the tough questions. I think she does want me to wait based on her reactions to anything that sends the message that I am not going to. This is difficult for me because I do not know the outcome of this, but I've made this choice for her and us. She has said many times that I should not wait for her because she feels this isn't fair. There are things she's struggling with and one of them is self worth because of her traumatic background and she has trouble with anyone doing anything for her. It's hard to explain but while she will say one thing, all her actions point towards her wanting me to stay. So long as we don't talk about it though, or at least if I don't initiate any R talk. It's the way this works for her, to work through her life issues and marriage issues on her timetable, and not feel forced by me. She's asked for time over and over again, and has tried to figure out how to work on all of this while the daily train keeps moving. So what I do is let her be in her world right now, work through her issues, redefine herself, keep the pressure off, handle the kids and their reaction to this, etc. Hey, I went through every bomb related, anti-DB reaction known to mankind when this began but miraculously we are still together (same house, separate rooms).

I don't think she wants out of the marriage even if she isn't saying that or comitting to anything, but her actions seem to be indicating that all she wants is time here. I say that because its come up a number of times and I've said and meant it that if she wants out, go ahead and say so. We will split everything 50/50 and she won't get any games from me. Hell, I've been at the point a few times re: OM that I was sure there was an A going on and told her that I'm out. It was at these points that we would have some positve breakthroughs in underdstanding where each of us is at. BTW she completely denies any A. To her its just a much needed friendship. I don't know for sure but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and if I lose then hey, I took the higher road. I don't however think my cousin (OM) was very smart to sneak behind my back like this. On his end I only see betrayal. He should have known better to get involved in a situation like this and be covert about it. His day of reckoning will come. He's hurt me and my sons. All he had to do was make contact and explain that he was having contact with my wife and if it was friendship of course I would not have had a problem with it.

It's weird 2TP to see but she is living in one of my son's old rooms and has it set up reflecting everything she is going through. It's almost like seeing a giant Rorshack (SP?) test in the flesh.

Look, I really don't know the future here. I love her and am willing to do my part with no guaranty. I do see her slowly, and I mean slowly thawing, and spending more time with me than we did before the bomb. But, I have to handle this so well and don't blow it. If I start any R talk, or pressure her I will blow this. I let her talk about it when she wants. I keep it all light and fun. I help her out with whatever she needs. As long as she can control her pace through this, and my silence is present I think she will at least have a world in which she can go though her therapy, sort out her issues, find out who she is, where she fits in in the world, and figure out how she will live in our M.

2TP
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I don't mean to be a downer here, but I could just as easily say the same thing about waiting as long as it takes for my W to heal and then work on the M. The problem is, she is the WAW and I don't see any signs at present to suggest she wants me to wait and work it out. It doesn't mean I'm not willing or won't wait. I will, but for how long? And, as you and I both know, events have a way of provoking reactions that then take us down unintended paths.

Rick
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Hey, I didn't see any signs for ever and in fact was being told we were done and there's nothing that can be done about it. I think this is where we need total faith because all we can do is the whole DB program with no guaranty. And, it would be easier to wait if we knew for sure that our W's would come back but we don't know and that's killer.

I just find it so hard to believe your W would let the whole marriage go down the crapper, and let your sons get traumatized if she can see what you have learned and improved on and she has had time to work on her own issues. I know people get divorced all the time but maybe that's when the concept of DB'ing was not introduced. Maybe they get caught up in the the bomb shrapnel and never have a time-out period without causing each other irreversible damage. I don't know for sure. The success stories I do see on this blog seem to indicate that this really takes time, what feels like a geological time scale. But if it took years to build up to the bomb then it can't be solved overnight.

2TP
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So, I guess my questions is, how are you going to manage through this?

Rick
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I will manage by putting my heart and soul, my life on the line for her. Don't think I'm not scared to death here. Yeah I have a life and can still be a positive addition to the human race without her, but like you I guess I really could not imagine how much it would sukk if this doesn't work out.

How can your W not see what a great person you are, what an improved H you are, over time? And for the OM d-bag, how can this guy be as good as you? He's willingly attempting a R with a married woman with kids. I'm hoping your W will see this in time.

Amen, Brother! From your words, to God's ears!