Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Done lurking, need advice.

It's just time to watch your feet and put one in front of the other.

When you get papers, you deal with it. Until then...do something everyday to build the life you want (and right now, that can't include her). Even if it's little, it will add up.

It takes alot more time than any of us likes.

Hang in there.

HUGS

Thanks Forrest, very lucid and provocative advice. I think she emailed me becuase a I had texted her that I stopped by the house and saw the photos of the pile. I told her it really hurt. I know it was backsliding, but emotions took over there for a moment. Her response, I believe, was to let me know that she has made up her mind and I sould leave her alone.

Thanks Grace. Needed that today. This is just so unreal.

Rick, thanks so much for sharing my friend. It helps.

And, as some folks on the boards found out, it's not over once the D is done either. It's not over until you say its over.
Some time down the road, you may come to that decision, but in the mean time your W has made peace with her decision. You have to find peace too.

In your earlier posts, you asked a lot of questions about whether or not DB works. It is definately counter-intuitive, but in a sense, you're trying to get yourself back to the place you when you met your W so you can start over. Back then, you didn't even know that you would fall in love with her. You could act naturally.

GAL puts you back in that place. It serves as an opportunity for you to be you again, so regardless of the outcome, you've got yourself back. It also gives your W an opportunity to remember what you're really like.

LRT is last resort technique. IMHO, people kinda jump to that a bit too quickly. Going dark (LRT... no contact) can be useful. But there are other shades. I find that unless there's unresolvable hostility, it's better to go gray.


You don't have to agree with her decision. You don't have to support her decision. But actively opposing her decision will just make her more determined.

Like Forrest said:

Hope this makes sense, Grmpy. It took a long time for your W to get into this state of mind. Its a long slow process for her to change her mind again.

Slowlee, slowlee...

That's the way it goes.

Patience is proving to be very elusive for me. I know I MUST detach and GAL.

If it's any solace, I've been at this for 10 years now. Patience is still elusive

I guess that doesn't sound very encouraging, Grmpy. I don't want to have you think that my DB-ing didn't work and therefore yours wont. In fact, my DB-ing worked on a lot of levels. I'm not crazy enough to keep doing the same thing for 10 years if it didn't.

I'm just saying... I hear ya. It gets easier, but it's never easy.

Hang in there Grmpy.

It's hard to be patient esp early on. I felt like Veruca Salt for a long time.

Patience is something I have alot more of now. Just not all the time



No matter how things go, the skill set is one that you can use to improve any R's you have in your life.

Step one: Breathe

Thanks guys. All of you are a tremendous help!


BTW - had my initial phone session with Chuck last night. Wow, it really helped!!

So, I texted my wife to ask if she was going to be at work today (I am off) so that I can go over to the house and pick up my mail. She texts back and lets me know that she will not be there.

She also texts: "Just sent you an email - need some bank documents when you get a chance. P.S. I moved some stuff around in the garage so I could get the car in - all the stuff on the left side is yours."

I tell her thanks and I will get the bank stuff to her. - Me: "Honestly, no hurry on the money for the house. Thats not necessarily what I'm looking for right now."

Wife: "I know, but it was something we discussed and I gave you my word - its only fair. I don't want this process to be negative or angry. Please know that my motivation for the work I did in the house and garage was to be helpful."

Me: "Now worries. Please stop on the money for now. I live each day hour to hour. I'm not there yet."

"Great to see the boys!(dogs)Bodie was vibrating! Have a great day and thanks for all you help."

New territory here for me. Any observations or things I could have handeled differently?

Stiil pretty LRT. Have not spoke to her in awhile.