Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 2)

"My wife has told me she loves me more times this past weekend then all of the past year combined. I'm certainly not immune to wanting the perfect marriage in my hands right now when she says this to me....but I chose to love her and respect her and let her take as long as she needs. I don't know if we will fully reconcile. We probably will but if not I have found a peace like never before."

Hey Rick - I've been fascinated by the evolution of your sitch. The fact that your W is professing her love for you while you are in the midst a possible divorce is unbelievable. I also applaud your new found peace and reconciliation of where you may eventually end up, (i.e. divorce land). That is a real sign of growth on your part. I'm working to get there. I'm not there yet, but getting closer!

Hello 2 man. All I know or realized was that I could only control myself and had to let my wife go through her crisis. I learned what I could about DB'ing and it really helped but I found that in some cases I would go with my gut even if it didn't fall into the so called DB criteria.

I just said to myself that I will love her through this, let it play out in whatever way it does, give her whatever time and support she needs, keep the road home smooth and open; and for me, self evaluate honestly and improve. I kind of just gave up on the daily details of this sitch and just let love and the universe play out. It took me quite a while to get there.

Whenever we speak about the R, I just speak from the heart but also remain aware of where she is in her own crisis. So I listen to her, see where she is and only go as far as she is ready to.

Somehow in this process she was able to start finding some clarity in her crisis and some answers. I keep listening to her as she describes to me the process she is going through and keep commending her for her strength.

I have been seeing a kind of snowball effect. She discovers something about herself and feels more clarity and strength. I see something likewise for myself and the mutual changes kind of dovetail each other, and it has allowed us the clarity to explain past frustrations we had and see how we have gotten to a better place in how we handle most everything.

Right now we are both at this place but I'm not sure where this leads us. I can say that I heard all the horrible things like everyone else...this is done, will never work, revisionist history, etc. Now, her words are no longer like that. She does say that this can work out, which is something she was not saying for nine months, but I can see her being extremely cautious. So am I. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways and feel confident that if this doesn't work out, despite it being a tragedy, I can lead a fulfilled life.

Her telling me she loves me is nice to hear. I dont really know how she means that when she says it but I know she is not the type to say that and not mean it. So, I don't hear a passionate I love you from her (we are still living in separate rooms) but I do think she is saying it from a deep level, not just a lighthearted way of saying it.

She's still going through a huge change and its going to take some time. Her Mom, who lives with us in an in-law appt, is also going through a major crisis too so now we are dealing with that, but at least its "we" dealing with it and not separately like we were when the bomb dropped. It's funny because my W is seeing how she was with me when the bomb dropped because she can see how her Mom is to her with her Mom dropping a bomb of her own.

When you describe your W I see many of the same traits and reactions as my W. I was lucky enough to find out the OM is in fact not an A, but I didn't know that for months so I felt all the same horror you feel with your W. Nonetheless, our sitch did drive her to seek comfort with another guy, just not the physical part. Maybe your W's reasons for doing this are the same as my W. She needed somewhere to go that wasn't M or family, that was safe for her with no strings. My W has admitted that when the bomb dropped she was literally out of her mind, and sometimes I wonder if your W is in the same stage.

It sounds like your W is in some type of crisis herself, not just someone saying FU to her H, but acting out in desperation. Have you had any conversation with her of the sort where she is saying she is confused and needs to find a place/time to seek clarity?

Has your W ever mentioned that she might need help? I remember when I suggested that to my W she was massively defensive, but at the time I didn't know anything about DB'ing. Luckily, my W actually considered it and decided to see a psychitriat on her own. That was a very fortunate thing because it is working for her, and ultimately for us and family.

Hey Rick - very happy for you. I'm gonna be a bit selfish here though. Did your wife ever tell you that she had made peace with her decision or that your were going to get a divorce end of story?

Ray

Hi Ray. Yes, she told me that we were going to D, that we were done and there was nothing that could be done about it, that she did not want me in her life, that she refused to talk about it, etc. Once she got around to talking about it, it was with so much venom I was shocked again. It was complete revisionist history in many ways, but also for her a huge life crisis erupting and it encompassed more than just our M, but still included her feelings about how our M was a failure at the time.

When DB says believe hslf of what you hear, take it to heart because I heard the worst, over and over again for months. I actually am suprised I survived the shock and pain. It was really, really awful.

That's exactly what I was told last moth (about 6 weeks ago now)....

Well that certainly suxxx but usually a WAS will soften up somewhat provided the LBS doesn't do the things that will cement the end of the M.

If you're like me you probably reacted in total shock and did every non-DB type thing known to man. If your M can survive this initial shock period (and its a shock to both), then there will be opportunity to allow things to happen for the better, but it requires a lot of time, way more than you will want it to be.

It's basically up to the LBS to create the environment to heal the M. You have to let the WAS go their own way, process all of the horror of how they feel, and when they finally do look back, hopefully you will be there doing everething the right way for yourself and to leave the door open for them.

The first few days that's exactly what happened. But about 8 days after she told me I was talking to a DB coach. She still says she wants it but nothing filed or anything. So hopefully we'll be following your path by the time next football season gets interesting

Its incredible to see so many parallels in sitches here. We live seperatley now. Though it is easier to give space and detach, its frustrating because she does not see me and my physical/emotional changes. I'm not the first or the last, but I hope I can be as patient as Rick was.

Rick - great stuff to read! I hope all things continue down a good path for you and W.

I'll chime in on the treatment. I like your phrase of "revisionist history". I've gotten plenty of that along with the verbal attacks. Still not sure where things will lead but its good to see examples like yours where you've got peace for yourself regardless as well as some lights of hope sparking up.

Keep up the great work!

Rick- I am happy (and a little jealous) for you Jealous because I'm not there yet... but BEYOND HAPPY for you!!!!

Forgive for asking- but how long has it been since your 'bomb' to when you saw a little thawing in her? I've heard the rule to live by is 1 month of consistent change for every year you were together.... was this the case for you?

I'm really trying not to focus on a timeline, but it's hard to accept that this could go on for years.

Soon, you'll be one of our "wise Dbers" like 25 and bustorama