Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Twilight zone...

Journaling.

Took a loong break. My 3 week vacation starts in 2 weeks and i tried to keep myself busy with shopping. Really looking forward to doing all the things i missed doing last year due to the D-bomb.

W and i have regular appts every sunday with the counselor. Yesterday was our fourth appt. It is amazing. I never felt this engaged in counseling until now. In the past it was always discussions on how screwed up i was how to fix 'me'. Now i feel confident about myself that i am actually trying to figure out for myself that if i can make it with my wife.

What an irony though. When my wife filed for D last year, she put in a clause that i had to keep seeing a therapist in order to keep seeing my daughter. because she thought that i was too 'depressed'. Now with the counselor, in the 2nd session, the counselor suggested my wife that she see an individual counselor.

The more i am engaged in the sessions and see the way my wife reacts the feeling of wanting to make it work with my wife is slipping away. I still see the same old angry, resentful person who feels that nothing is working out for her and that everyone makes her feel like cr@p. Right now, everyone means 'her family'. Mostly i listen to her vent and empathize and acknowledge her feelings. But it seems like she always just wants to keep talking about it. And when i suggest some things she can do to move forward, she gets very upset that i am trying to 'fix' her. Yes i can listen to her go on and on. But there comes a time when you have to do 'something'. She's too lost right now to do anything. Yup, since she is staying with her family, she is having issues with them too.

Yesterday after the session we had an argument in the car. My heart immediately went into overdrive and my BP started rising. It was a Deja-Vu on how i felt during arguments with her. I hated that feeling. That crappy feeling that i used to have when nothing i tried seemed to work. Thats when i slipped into depression which she turned back on me saying that she had to leave because i was depressed.

That feeling that i have now is like "Neo" in the movie "Matrix" where he starts to see that actual matrix. I am now beginning to see the dynamics of our relationship and how bad it is and how it ruined me as a person. I am sure she is suffering too.

Sometimes i feel that both of us will be much better off divorced. Yea she still has tons of issues with her folks. But that is her problem. Not my cross to bear. But i know i'll be free of that dreaded BP rising up.

She never seems to take ownership of anything. Everything for her is outside her control and how everyone is hurting her.

I guess as the saying goes... "Be careful what you wish for". Last year I wished that i be given the chance to see if i can work it out with her. Now, sometimes i find myself regretting that wish.