Your kids are your silver lining! They love you unconditionally and you want that to continue. Be there for them today. Forget whatever else, chores, etc, you might think you need to accomplish today and be with them. Do whatever silly things they want to do. Roll around on the floor, make blanket forts, watch whatever movies they want (even tho you've seen them a million times). H will do what H will do, but he can't take away the relationship you have with your kids.
((((P))))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey Purg - Feeling the anger and frustration for you and with you. So sorry for all this. You've got some great advice from people here. It will take time for it to sink in because your emotions are fighting against your reasoning. You're going to have to make a choice on which one leads your decisions. Keep focus on which route makes you a better you.
IMHO, your focus really needs to be on yourself right now and not the M. You're hurt and reeling and feel a strong need for "justice" against the H and OW for how they've treated you. That's called being human. The hard part is you don't have a way to bring justice and accomplish what you want.
Its kind of like those movies where the guy goes out to seek vengence but when he does, he's still not happy.
Follow up with your IC and increase the meetings if you need to. That may be your best source of support right now. Not sure if a church is an option for you but you may be able to find one with divorce support groups or something like that so you can make some new (and more real) friends.
A few other things. Regardless of how quaint it sounds, absence does NOT make the hard grow fonder. If anything it takes even more work to stay connected so try not to worry too much about H and OW relationship - there's a strong chance it will fade on its own soon enough.
You said... Over the past few days (since H told me about his feelings for her), he's been more vocal about his hurts when he initiates R talk. These are the things I hear: * You really hurt me. I can't get past that. * Why did it take me walking away for you to do anything about it? * I always told you what I needed, and you didn't do anything. * I've felt lonely for 6 years, and I'm done being lonely. * I've come to realize that I still really care about you, and I want to be there for you [medically and emotionally] but at the level I'm comfortable with. * I don't want you out of my life, I've just changed your role. As my friend, you can't hurt me- you don't have to do the things a lover does and I can't get hurt by you. Is it positive that he's unloading all this on me? Is he rationalizing his choice to move onto my friend? Is he telling me the things that she does, that I didn't do? What do I do with this new insight from him?
From the book, this can be a good thing. He's opening up, but it is also critical in how YOU respond.
My W said many of the same things. It hurts and I use to argue with her and defend my actions. That did not help. It didn't get me to my goal. So rather than feeling sorry for myself I started listening and validating her feelings. They are her feelings and there is no way to tell a person that's not how they are feeling.
Its rough because he wants to keep you around but not in the way you want. You can't control him. But if you want to work on your M, then him wanting to keep you around creates an opportunity. But you will have to work hard to take advantage of it and work on yourself and not the M. Make you the goal and there is better hope for the M.
A friend of mine posted this as their status on FB today. I think its fitting... Hang on. You have the strength for this but it will be the fight of your life...(((((Purg)))))
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
"I hope I'm not the only one who does this." Nope you are not the only one in fact everyone does especially when going through a crisis such as ours. It is the basis of cognitive therapy so if you catch yourself thinking in all or nothing terms stop yurself because life lives in the gray. Hang in there.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
111- I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you in my previous post... We apparently were posting at the same time, and I never saw it.
Yes, her ex was military (that's how we met in the first place, through our H's at work) When we found out that her H was abusive to her and starting in on her kids, H and I stepped up for her (he and I hadn't stepped into our troubles yet.) She knows how to do the long distance stuff- I cross my fingers that they won't develop a strong bond enough that it keeps both their arms open that long. Because with *her* H, they had a life, history and kids to lean on- there was a reason to keep arms open... but with a new R with my H, it makes me sick to think that they will be discussing the 'longing' and 'can't wait to see you again'... vomit!!!
I do hope that when he's alone and life is scary, that it's me and our kids that pop in his mind.
I too wish you were closer- I would love to have a coffee with someone who 'gets it'. Because of my military lifestyle, I've only managed to keep a few close friends, and they are in other states- so phone/email are my only connections now.
I've read your sitch, and my heart goes out to you for the anxiety you must be feeling for the upcoming homecoming. ((((111))))
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
CES: Thanks for checking on on me. I'm always surprised when people take their time to give me some attention, it's a comforting feeling.
I'm going through the same craziness I felt when H dropped the bomb over a month ago... I know that there will come a time when my logic can overtake my emotions (because I've done it before), I'm really fighting it right now.
I DO have a feeling of justice needing to be applied here. But you are exactly right, there's no way to accomplish that without making me look foolish and the bad guy. I wish I could put a 'scarlet letter' on them both and parade them through town.
I logically know, that anything I attempt to do against this- will only create a unity between them and push them closer sooner.... but I can't stop my evil brain from making plans. For now, I have a short leash on it- I would rather kill it all together.
In regards to how I'm reacting to his comments- I'm listening and validating. I do not defend, or make excuses. (in fact, H made a passing comment that I "didn't used to be so willing to listen"- so he notices.) I'm presenting the image I want to him- but I'm dying inside. I can't process all the emotions and thoughts that come up. That's where the lack of friends comes into play, and I get lower and lower.
I do have a few plans lined up next week to try some new things and meet new people... This week is H's week off, so I can GAL because of the kids.
I can't tell you how much it means to know that there are strangers out there who care and understand my pain. Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
CES: Thanks for checking on on me. I'm always surprised when people take their time to give me some attention, it's a comforting feeling. Embrace the embrace you get here^^, and remember that in the grand scheme of things, most people are good at heart.
I'm going through the same craziness I felt when H dropped the bomb over a month ago... I know that there will come a time when my logic can overtake my emotions (because I've done it before), I'm really fighting it right now.
A lot of what you think is a rational fear is mostly just a fear. Fear based choices are never good ones.
There are some behavioral tips I'll post here that helped me when my mind was on the freeway and couldn't "take the damn exit ramp"...
you will need to take the exit soon so you can get to the "scenic overlook", take stock and NOT REACT - but make a "campaign plan" and implement it...
DB coaches are great for that, and if your IC isn't, ask her to be. You need "instructions" more or less.
I DO have a feeling of justice needing to be applied here. But you are exactly right, there's no way to accomplish that without making me look foolish and the bad guy. I wish I could put a 'scarlet letter' on them both and parade them through town.
Purg, First, be brave & strong now or you won't learn what you have to learn in order to make it....but look at this with all the honesty and insight you can, if only just for a minute...take a breath
& see how your h sees most of the past 6 years...and check your first post if you need to, but
if you want to get a scorecard out for justices/injustices in the marriage, would you really come out far ahead?
In his eyes, he has the high ground for now. [i]And for now, maybe he does. How can you change that? Change YOU... [/i]
Per my Godsent DB coach Hard lesson #1--it is NOT the spouses job to show their WAS the "consequences of their actions" or "teach them a lesson".
Aside from it looking punitive (which it is, and which you already know AND which backfires big time every time) LIFE does this for us!
The WAS will learn the hard way if they choose a bad path & stay on it. They will face numerous explanations for how they met, and the KIDS WILL KNOW forever...and their r's w/their own children will never be what they could have been. YOU cannot be the one to tell them this, or predict it to your h, or you will be vilified and seen as the cause..whereas
instead, if you behave like the dignified woman who has been punched in the stomach but STILL picks herself up, dusts herself off, & puts her kids ahead of her pride without losing her self respect, YOU will prevail over time.
I logically know, that anything I attempt to do against this- will only create a unity between them and push them closer sooner.... but I can't stop my evil brain from making plans. For now, I have a short leash on it- I would rather kill it all together. TIPS for congitive behavior therapy (aka 25's "mind control" secrets)
1) stop sign for evil thoughts....Put it in your head that you have to STOP this, and be discplined enough to stop it, if only for a few minutes at a time.
Enough repetition of that will eventually get you to avoid those thoughts altogether, or to rid yourself of them faster. It's almost like an OCD pattern and it can be changed or broken. Create a new one if you have to...(See below)
The evil thoughts of revenge do not help your cause. Granted, there are LBSers who LOVE exploring their anger & they would say, "it's the JUSTICE of it all!" and "but I'm RIGHT and they are wrong!!..."
but they forget that this is not about being right. It's about being happy
Revenge won't help your cause or even give you peace. It only appeals to your anger and that's NOT helping you, your body, your children or your m.
2) Every day in the shower or wherever you can gain some privacy, say out loud "God, I turn my pain and anger over to you. I lay this marriage in your hands"...
Some days, I said this literally 100 times, esp right before h would call. It helped calm me and thinking it, saying it and hearing it somehow make it sink in...
3) come up with other helpful mantras and do them as well. Such as
"I only control now and 'from this day forward'. Help me be my best NOW"...
I'd put some self help books or some of Marianne Williamson's books on my IPOD and would go on LONG walks (aka "25's Fury Marches") b/c she has written a lot on "Handling Fear & Anger" and though she's new agey for some, for ME she helped with this exact issue. HOW to let go and begin healing and forgiving...
And she had had her heart broken by a man who didn't really get how much he'd hurt her so in some ways it was weirder, you know?
Also had playlists for grief so sometimes I could let go and cry hard about it but only in a safe place. Often I'd get sick & tired of being sick & tired and I'd snap out of it if only for awhile. Most of us can only tolerate so much misery at a time. ( If this does not help you or if you immerse yourself in it for too long, or get too dark with it, then do NOT do it.)
In regards to how I'm reacting to his comments- I'm listening and validating. I do not defend, or make excuses. (in fact, H made a passing comment that I "didn't used to be so willing to listen"- so he notices.) I'm presenting the image I want to him- but I'm dying inside. I can't process all the emotions and thoughts that come up.
First of all- it IS mostly a positive that he's sharing these things, overrall, as much as it sukks to hear. Second, your reaction MATTERS so don't lose it or rant. I LOVE that he has noticed.
Adopt the two phrases that validate, without escalating, and which show change on YOUR End...
If he revises too much or you have no idea what he's referrring to-- don't blurt that out! I once thought my h was simply LYING about an event, but before I could say that out loud, my kids validated HIS version!
Thank God I stayed quiet in that moment b/c it was one of the few comments made in front of them--
plus - no offense--but your memory is either conveniently self serving when it comes to forgetting your outbursts AND OR
you had some untreated diagnosis that YOU WILL GET treatment for, so it will NOT keep happening, and he can trust that will change your behavior & it will be credible....make sense?
1) so for the marital revisions that surprise you, you say
"H, I don't recall it that way (or at all) but I'm so sorry you were hurt/upset."
2) for the memories he brings up that are valid, the fights or the times he was hurt that you recall or believe, or concede are possible, say
"Sorry H, if I could do it all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Both responses validate, and honor his views, without making you a doormat and both show that you have insight and are able to change.
That's where the lack of friends comes into play, and I get lower and lower.
GAL and reaching out are the cures to this^^^....make it so. I know that's not always easy but it is simple; not complex. IT will also absolutely help with the cognitive work you want to do so you can stop cycling in anger and despair. I think there is on post support for you there and clubs to join and people to meet. Try not to be alone so much so you don't spiral negatively.
I do have a few plans lined up next week to try some new things and meet new people... This week is H's week off, so I can GAL because of the kids.
I can't tell you how much it means to know that there are strangers out there who care and understand my pain. Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.
You are very welcome. I had the vital help of some peeps on this board who remain here btw, from time to time. THey guided me through this and gave me hope.
Why do I believe there is hope in your sitch? (yes I do believe that)
B/c as the mother of his children, the choice to be with OW (or "DIP OP" or aka POS bf) means that he must justify it often. IF your changes are real and lasting, and not merely tactics to get him back,
that gets to be VERY difficult to sustain. Essentially he'll have to tell himself
"So what if she's great and all I ever wanted her to be, now,
and so what if the kids miss her and she misses them and I broke up my family? I deserve HAPPINESS!!" --and that gets harder to say out loud to others and to yourself...it just does.
It begins to sound hollow and shallow and pretty damn selfish.
But know that just as that WAW felt about her h's "new outlook", for now, he does not believe your changes are lasting, but that they are tactics. Only consistent change + sufficient time = Him believing the changes are real.
Whenever you lash out at him or rant, you confirm that it's just a tactic.
When you disparage Dip Op, you put him in the position of having to defend her. Bad idea.
I would probably never mention her...seriously, I would not at this time, view her as anything but a "less than me, not worthy of mentioning"-- she's a wishy washy opportunist who does NOT have the stomach for a long distance r with a new guy without a guaranteed return.
I don't see her having the fortitude of being newly single and not exploring other men...(heck, in her shoes - there's no way I would not date if I just got my freedom back.)
She's thinking "yeah you're a great guy but um, you want me to wait around for you for a YEAR while you are sep from your family--and w who seems to be all groovy and calm now--b/c you SAY you are sure you want out, & you think you want to have a real r with me later on - but in the meantime I get to be lonely b/c I just lost my fake bff and now I can't date?? Gee that sounds appealing.
(And with her "character", I think he'll be surprised at how bad betrayal feels...)
Plus, when he contacts you and the kids, while I'd be scarce at first, b/c it's easier to notice changes when there is some space/time apart (as opposed to daily contact which I happen to think is a slower way to show changes b/c it's harder to create mystery)
then I'd reveal the new you in pieces.
Part of that is going to be the "UBER ZEN Purg" who does NOT lose her cool or lash out b/c hey, she's different now...
she has evolved, and changed. She has all the great attractive traits that he fell in love with, but with a maturity and compassion and serenity she may have lacked at times before.
And I'd create mystery big time...if he brings up working to support yourself, you act as if you assumed that all along and you are looking forward to getting back out there and meeting NEW PEOPLE...
don't assume for a minute that he won't have regrets if he thinks, "Hey purg is all calm and appealing now and i went thru hell with her, just so she can NOW be all I wanted with some other guy?" But if you rant/rave, he'll feel relief to be gone and totally validated in his choice to leave.
I'm assuming you are getting an ablation of an arrythmia? IF so, they don't sukk as much as they sound like they will--just a guess on my end.
But I'd use the illness or health scare for added credibility for your changes & so it's not all about HIM, (which appears more tactical than lasting)
I'd use the health scares as another reason for the introspection and new found perspective on life. And LIFE IS SHORT...how do you want to spend yours?
Finally, I love this analogy.
Say someone asked you "What if your life were a novel? Who is writing yours? How do you want the next chapter to go?"
What are your answers? So, be the author of your life. Don't let someone else write in your book with their actions or words. Don't give away your power.
PS I don't know where you are assigned but look up Essential Experience in Philadelphia and see if you can attend one of their workshops. They are life changing and profound. For someone in your shoes they'd be particularly useful. And they're not weird or culty.
For now, and "from this day forward", be your best self. I think there's a good reason those words are in our marriage vows.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
if your h died overseas, God forbid, and enough time had passed that your grief had largely dissipated....b/c we know you would not curl up in the fetal position forever...you have kids and a spine...so
what would a happy life for you look like? Envision that with details...
What can you create of that, now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am at a loss for words at this moment, I will need to read and re-read this AMAZING post, before I can respond.
I am overwhelmed at the care you chose to take by giving me such sound advice.I can't express how appreciative I am right now.
A quick response: I live in Virginia, so PA isn't too far away, maybe I could go to that workshop on my weekend off. At least it's something to look into.
In regards to my health: I have a right to left ASD in my heart (common) with an enlarged right side pressures (uncommon). In addition, I my oxygen decrease to 80% whenever my heart rate reaches over 140 (and my resting rate is 110, so it's doesn't take much). With this chronic hypoxia, they are concerned about blood clots, and extra concerned that the blood clot could go across the hole and back into the blood stream, before being filtered by the lungs- and possibly cause a stroke. They are currently testing to discover the cause of the enlarged right side- 2 different pulmonologists think that it's 'pulmonary hypertension'. Unusual for my age, but non the less... apparently, the valve off the right side going to the lungs starts to close up for some reason (the triggers vary and aren't specific) so then the right side of the heart has to pump extra hard to get blood to flow to the lungs. It's degenerative, no cure- treated with steroids. Life expectancy (depending on drug effectiveness) is 10-20 years. I have a heart catheterization coming up to officially diagnose and another surgery to close the hole... then who knows what type of treatments/meds. I will need if I am officially diagnosed. I do have a few things in my favor: * my age. They say that the meds will probably be more effective on someone my age instead of the 'normal' patient whose in their 50's or 60's. One of my doctors even said he would love to write a piece on me (if I'm diagnosed) because of my unusual circumstances: age and ASD... that could be cool! * the leading doctor for this disease- who discovered and named it 30 years ago- is at Duke Univ., only a 3.5 hour drive from me.
[probably more than you needed to know, but I felt the need to explain/clarify. And I apologize to any medical people out there if I butchered the explanation- it's my layman's terms so I can understand what's happening to me.]
My personal sitch has affected my health lately because of all the crying. I hyperventilate, which causes the oxygen to decrease and then I pass out. H has found me a few times (after a panic attack) lying on the floor. It doesn't take long before I'm awake and functioning again... but scary if no one is around. I would hate for my S6 to be the one who finds mommy on the floor. I can't wait to get this taken care of so I don't have to worry about not being there for my kids- especially with H leaving for a year.
I'm need to find my inner strength to not react to H and OW, to not speak what is on my mind, control my temper and filter it out somewhere else.... not only for my sanity but for my health too.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
