It's not a bad idea, Crimson. It really isn't. Not sure if it's a good idea, either... and that's the crux. How each of our sitches is unique in the choices and actions of no less than two individuals.
On your second post, it is interesting how you indicate you do not want your W to know that you are happier without her. Do you notice how that is very similar to the roller coaster of the WAS or MLCer, dragging the LBS back onto the roller coaster?
Do you want to drag your W back onto your roller coaster, or be dragged back onto hers?
Really, there is one thing and one thing only, here:
Do... or don't do... neither one right nor wrong... Regardless of what you choose, know that there will be both benefit and harmful consequences.
Every moment that you do not send the letter is another moment... hour... day... that you are CHOOSING an action. Because you are afraid.
If you are afraid of sending a letter that is not going to be effective and not have some expected results, then what are you brooding over it for?
And if you are NOT afraid of sending a letter, regardless of how it may be interpreted, then what are you waiting for?
No one is a pro at DB in the same way that no one is a pro at R or in child rearing or at life.
Do or don't do and accept your choice and move forward. As harsh as this may sound, it really is that simple.
Instead of a letter, why not talk to her in person. Let her see how sincere you are. I prefer to talk in person instead of a letter. Why not write the letter but instead of sending it and just read to her in person.
I sent my husband emails, then I wanted to tell him in person. Sometimes I did both.
Let her see your actions and your sincerity instead of reading about it.
KD - maybe I typed incorrectly, but I was trying to convey that I DON'T want my w to think I am happier without her. I'm really not. If I appear happier it is because of "as if" and finally getting out of my own way and living.
Hopeful - I am not sure how a face to face would go since we both have a history of interrupting one another. I wouldn't want this to escalate into a disagreement of some sort. I figure if I write, even though it's not as communicative and speaking in person, that she can more easily digest what I am trying to say and I can do a lot less stuttering and stammering and fidgeting. Maybe we can have a follow up face to face after this - but that would take some time.
I am agree with you 100% GM. And no, I have no expectations of this letter being some sort of cure-all. I do not think that it alone will reverse my the course we are on. I have learned the hard way to keep expectations low at this point. At best, I hope that it will at least get her to see that I am no longer blaming her for this mess, that I am owning my part and that I am working hard to never go back to where I was before. That I want to be a better man, and better spouse and a better father. If all this letter does is leave her with that impression - then I am OK with that. If not, I figure I can't make things worse. Papers are filed, you know?
Actually, I mistyped. I had meant to say, "... you do not want your W to think that you are happier ..."
I definitely understand that you currently feel and expect to feel for an indefinite period of time, less happy without her.
As you once again affirm to her that you are not happier without her, she will have a choice... to be drawn back onto the emotional roller coaster, or to keep herself off the emotional roller coaster...
Do you really want to push that choice on her?
Do you think she would be attracted to someone who is miserable because they're pining for someone?
Or do you think she would be attracted to someone who is happy and enjoying life?
I am really trying to split the difference on those two options by saying that I am not happier without out her - but I am moving forward with my life and making myself happy with my circumstances by making a lot of necessary changes. As I said before - I am finally getting out of my own way and making a decision to be happy. Naturally, I would be happier if she would come along - but I am not longer going to wallow in the mire (thank you Doors) and I am going to be positive and happy about life. Not BECAUSE she is no longer with me, but DESPITE that she is no longer with me. Does that sound reasonable?
.....as for the roller coaster, I am hopeful that my ACTIONS will show her that I am no longer wanting to put her on it. I would really like to close that ride for good.
"The purpose of this letter is to primarily let her know what I feel my role was in the meltdown, she asked to hear that. I also want her to know what I have learned over these few months about myself, my feelings, and life in general. That is it. It's not to beg, plead or to pursue. Still a bad idea?"
Crimson, I don't think that it is ever a bad idea when you go with what is in your heart. Which reminds me of a quote I once read.
"When you bait your hook with your heart, the fish always bite."
I interpret that to mean that when you put your heart and your soul into whatever it is that you do, that effort will be evident to all. Whether you choose to put your heart into spoken or written words is your choice. Just let your heart speak for you.
Just be mindful of the fact that whatever you choose to do, don't expect your W to come running back into your arms after she reads or hears what is in your heart. You'll be terribly disappointed. She may begin to have second thoughts, but don't expect it, ok?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Nah, I expect nothing. I mean, I would HOPE for the best - but I don't think this will turn the tide that much. As I said, worst case scenario she get's an idea of where I am mentally and WRT the relationship as a whole. I don't know if I can really make things worse. The letter won't be unexpected or out of the blue. I'll just deliver when I drop off S and that'll be it.
