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Date No. 4 with DHU-41 on Friday. Took her to the downtown hangout where I've spent lots of nights the past three years. Met some friends there and they approved and ... that means something.

Not sure why. But it does.

Saturday I had the girls for New Years for the first time since the split. The 9-year-old invited three girls over and they had a lot of fun. The 12-year-old mostly watched TV. She's practicing her "surly teen years" early.

Big year for these two. D12 will actually be a teenager and D9 will turn double-digits. After the ball dropped, she grabbed her friend's arm and yelled "We're going to be pre-teens this year."

Put all of the photos up from Christmas and New Years, and I noticed XW has gained a lot of weight. I know I've mentioned it before, but she can't hide it with clothes anymore.

D12 is still trying to get her to go to the health club with her. I made an offer over a year ago to add XW to my family pass. That way D12 would go more often. XW needs to do something. Truthfully, now I really don't want to add her but I won't rescind the invitation.

I ran today for the first time since the accident and the first time with orthopedic supports. I ran really, really slow, but my left foot didn't feel so bad. We'll see how it is tomorrow.

I'm going to try to get a double in tomorrow -- plasma in the morning and basketball game in at night. I have to make more than I spend consistently this year and I need the extra money.

Wednesday and this weekend I have the girls -- hopefully we won't do much other than hit the health club and date No. 5 with DHU-41 on Thursday.

Things are going well with her, but there are potential storm clouds on the horizon. She's twice divorced, both guys she married (she says) were alcoholics who cheated on her.

Well, I'm not an alcoholic and I've never cheated on anyone. But I'm also in no rush to get married or move in with someone or really sacrifice any of the part-time jobs and time with the daughters.

A friend of mine who is divorced told me "divorced women can be stage-4 clingers" and DHU-41 already has said she's "falling" for me. DHU-41 got upset Friday when I said I still have a long way to go to purge all of the feelings for XW.

It isn't so much that I miss XW as a person. I really don't. And I no longer miss her physically. It's more that I can't stand the fact that I failed and I don't believe I was the reason she was unhappy and I still think she'll wake up one day and realize that ...

Back to DHU-41. I want to take it slow, but commit to her as much as possible. We've already talked about taking a trip for our birthdays -- they are six days apart in April. We've talked about hockey tickets so I can meet her 14-year-old son who is a hockey fan. And we've talked about perhaps her meeting the girls in March at D12's next play.

Really, my schedule is so full I can't fit much more in than seeing her once, perhaps twice a week.

The nice thing is that I feel I can slow down now. A friend texted today wanting to know if I wanted to play cards. I didn't have any plans and normally would have jumped at it. Instead, I said no. I cleaned the house a bit and then headed into work to catch up on stuff.

A lot of things are falling into place.

Actually, it means a LOT. Sometimes infatuation or pheromones can blind us to our date's poorer qualities - friends can be much more objective.



Twice divorced by 41 - well, not that unusual. But married TWICE to alcoholic cheaters? I'd be interested in knowing her history, and why the alarm bells didn't go off with that second one. (Did she grow up with an alcoholic, so it felt familiar? Did she used to drink too? Does she have terrible self esteem?) In her defense - I have a perfectly sane intelligent girlfriend, who grew up in a family where her alcoholic uncle was the interesting, fascinating member of the family. Her first big love in her twenties was with an Irishman from Brooklyn who turned out to have a drinking problem. She eventually left him, but has an unerring knack of picking guys who turn out to be ex-alcoholics or active drinkers. She hasn't been with another active alcoholic - but that early imprinting causes her to find certain guys attractive that I wouldn't give a second look to. In all my years of dating, I don't believe I've ever dated a single alcoholic. Completely different radar.



I don't get why the rush to meet each other's kids. I firmly believe kids should not have to get involved in their parent's dating lives - what if they get attached to your girlfriend, then you break up? They don't need any more loss. I don't see the need for either of you to meet the kids until you are really positive this is going to be a long term relationship - and after just four dates, it's silly to be even discussing it.

(I've been dating a guy for 6 months, and have yet to meet his 9 year old daughter - and frankly, I'm not sure it would be appropriate even now).



Well - I wouldn't ASSume that just because a woman isn't coy about admitting she really likes you, that that translates into her being clingy. She might just be really honest!

BUT - a woman who has had two alcoholic cheating husbands OUGHT to be a little more cautious about her next guy - if she's willing to jump headlong into things before she knows you very well, she might be lacking in judgment. Is she self-sufficient? Or does she need a guy to rescue her??



I would be thrilled if my current guy was seeing me once or twice a week, instead of once or twice a month! lol. That seems like an entirely reasonable date frequency for two parents with children at home.

Take your time. No rush!

Ditto to what Ellie said above.

I can also chime in on the idea of meeting the kids. During my four month "soul searching" after the break-up from RC I dated some. One of the guys was an old friend whom my YS had never met. He offered to help me with some things at my house but I didn't feel right bringing him here when YS was here.

I put it off for awhile and finally decided for all of us (including YS, OS, and this guy) to meet for dinner. Then that way it felt "okay" for the guy to come to the house while YS was there. Because of his schedule he had a hard time working around when I had YS. YS was not ready to meet him and I have to admit I forced the issue and did not handle it well.

Although he didn't say it enough during the time I was with RC, YS had really taken to RC and his family. He held some anger about having to get to meet new people and a new family. He expressed it to me and I tried to take it slow. In the end, I still didn't handle it well and I regret pushing it.

RC isn't the first guy since my divorce and each time I have dated, my kids eventually meet the guy and his family. Each time they had to deal with the loss, again. The divorce was hard enough, especially on YS. I have tried to take my time, but even when I do, it's still hard on him if the relationship ends.

The friend guy eventually did come to my house to help with some things, but YS was never comfortable with it. This is one of the many things I would "do over" from this past 6 months if I had the chance.

So lesson learned for me...

Take your time with the kids if you can. Sometimes they do not know how to express what they are feeling. They do have to endure so much loss when our relationships fall apart, so caution is good.

I'd be happy to share more about my experiences if it would help.

I come from a divorced family. I know how it is to have people paraded in and out of my life.

In March, if we make it that far, it will have been four months. If things are shaky I won't bring her to D12's play.

Here's the opposite point of view. Eventually, it will be good for them to see me with someone. One thing the divorce classes have taught me is that children learn how to treat others by watching how their parents treat people.

I rarely saw my dad with other women. And by the time I was old enough to start dating he was out of my life. So I learned through movies, which is unrealistic.

Both daughters have asked me when I'm going to start dating again. They worry that I'm home alone depressed. As much as I try to explain to them that I'm extremely busy, they don't really believe it.

Good, it seems you have a good frame of mind about it.

I agree about them learning how to treat people. My OS (who was 16 when my ex left) has watched and learned a lot from me. He often comments on how well I've handled things and how proud he is of me. My YS is tougher because he was young when it all happened. His views of the way to treat people (especially women and a wife) come from his dad (my ex), and sometimes they are not what I want him to learn.

He also has some insecurities that OS doesn't have. But again he was younger when it happened.

It's sweet that they worry about you being alone. That makes it so much easier to start dating again.

Be careful, CTH. Meeting the kids is way over board at this stage! Also, it's been maybe 2 or 3 weeks and she's already telling you that she's "falling" for you? That would scare the hell out of me...and it probably should scare you too! I know how powerful it can feel when someone seems to care about you. I remember what it felt like when MM would call me at work just to ask how my day was...that was huge for me, I was in orbit! So keep your shield held high, my man. Enjoy, but do be cautious

When I was dating I heard that 6 months was about the right time to introduce kids and only if it was a committed R. The kids have had enough going on in their lives.

I was dating a guy from this bb about the 2 year mark for me. He had kids and so did I. We had talked about the 6 month thing and he also agreed - no one was to meet his kids unless it was serious. He brought his kids to meet me at the 4 month mark so I was pretty certain we were getting serious. And a month later he dumped me in a text. That's hard on the kids I think. It was sure hard on me.

Take it easy. Take it slow. ESPECIALLY with a twice divorced woman who "thinks she is falling for you". Make sure you are getting clear about YOUR feelings, not falling victim to the feel goods she is sending you.

We've all been there. We need that reassurance that we are loveable so badly that we can easily succumb. So be careful out there.

Barb

Thanks for the concern everyone. I definitely have my guard up. I was driving back from the auto show in Detroit last night and had a long talk with a fellow divorced friend.

We talked about DHU-41 and how really I like this situation. I have all of my other side jobs, the kids and my regular job. I basically have one night a week to dedicate to someone else.

And that's all I really want to dedicate -- or at least that's how it feels with this lady.

I'm actually starting to feel guilty about that. I don't feel head over heels by any means. I don't know what's missing. Perhaps it's the time in my life. I'm not willing to put her ahead of my daughters.

She's not pushing me for more time by any means. I just feel guilty I guess that I don't want to spend more time with her.

Perhaps I'm just trained to expect less. I really tried to break through XW's shell and she kept me out, mentally, emotionally, physically.

DHU-41 saying she'll take whatever I have to give. That's just a weird feeling after 15 years of living the other way.

GM ... back to the night she got upset about my feelings over XW. What I think hurt her is I said that if XW showed up tomorrow and wanted to work things out ... because of my daughters ... I wouldn't slam the door in her face. I'd consider it.

I've thought over how I delivered the message because DHU-41 texted me this weekend saying what she heard was I'd go back to XW if she'd have me.

I think I have clarity on this subject now. I don't miss who XW turned out to be. I do miss my daughters tremendously. I hate the fact that I don't get to tuck them in 60 percent of the nights. I don't want XW back. I do want my girls with me every night. So if XW all of a sudden showed up saying she made a mistake and she wanted to start over -- it would be very hard for me to just say no without thinking about it because I would be saying no to having my girls again every day.

Updates on other stuff. One more meeting with the pretty chiropractor and I'm going to wrap it up. The headaches have gone away. The neck issues have -- mostly -- gone away. Everything else is fine.

It's time to get the settlement process going because I need some clarity on whether I'll be able to avoid bankruptcy on XW's credit card debt.

Money situation is .... OK. I need to be more vigilant on spending. Christmas always gets me out of whack.

Main job is ... I'm bored with it. But I'm not going anywhere soon. Maybe I just need something to complain about.

I'm about 10 pounds heavier than I want, but I'm having trouble finding any more time to work out than I have now with everything else going on.

February is going to be an interesting month. I went by a Valentine's Day billboard and thought to myself ... hey, what am I supposed to do for DHU-41 for Valentine's Day?

On Feb. 25, D12 becomes D13. Wow.

OK, thinking out loud. Lady is used to being with men who can give very little (2 alcolholic husbands) and she's saying to you she'll take whatever you have to give...um, pattern emerging! Now, not that she should be demanding a ton of attention right now but her attitude strikes me as a needy lady giving you the wheel "whatever you want works for me" Hm. You told her that if ex showed up and wanted to work things out you'd have to strongly consider it...OMG, at least she got mad! Maybe you don't want to give her more because she's willing to take very little...I dunno, again, just thinking out loud, do with it what you like

Well,

I was in a once a week R for years with Josh due to our locations and it worked out fine. But it was what we both wanted. Neither of us was clingy or needy and we filled the rest of our week with family, hobbies, work etc. We did commit to talking on the phone 2 or 3 nights a week when we were not together. But that was just us.

Her reactions and willingness to take whatever struck me funny too. I second what Wii and GMom said.

Your thought patterns seem to be a bit scattered here about what you want and what you're ready for. You need to get really clear about what you want.

And best to get all your financial stuff sorted before you get too involved with someone else. Dating can be expensive. I last recall that you took your daughters to a night in a hotel but you were also still selling blood? Ummm - I can't make sense of that.

Barb