Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

How prophetic you were Angel.

The last few days, H has been noticeably different. It seemed as if he couldn't get enough of me (in every way but physical). He text me a lot, he'd send me emails. He'd call a lot, just seemingly to chat. The other morning I awoke to find 5 emails from him and I had just been IMing with him right before I went to bed.

I had to work several hours away a few days ago and he called me once I was on the road and we chatted for several hours about all sorts of different philosophical things. Whenever I'd try to end the conversation, I could tell he really didn't want it to end. While working across state, we somehow got in a text conversation about his previous counseling. He had mentioned that his new physician recommended it and he said he didn't feel like he got much out of it. I remarked via text that that statement surprised me because when he was going, he seemed to be getting a benefit out of it. We discussed that a bit via text but the conversation kind of waned off. Coincidentally, earlier in the week I had mentioned to him that I was considering stopping our D's counseling sessions because she was just too stubborn to get anything out of it and its been almost a year now and I feel like it's just money down the drain anymore.

Anyhow, as I was driving home, he asked me to call him once I got on the road. Once I did, he asked again about my thoughts on the counseling. I thought he meant regarding D and started in on my thoughts. He then said that he actually wanted to discuss my comments about HIS counseling. So that led into a very very very long conversation about his counseling experience, MY counseling experience, and ultimately once again, him asking questions about how I made the significant changes (to myself) that I made. He mentioned that over the last few days, he's felt more alive than he has in a long time and he wasn't sure if it was the change in drugs or what. But he also said that he came to the realization that he COULD still maintain a good relationship with D without necessarily coming back to the marriage and that realization was like a weight being lifted and he felt like he suddenly wasn't trapped in a no win situation. He was quick to point out that just because he came to that realization, he didn't mean to insinuate that that was the direction he was leaning at all. Just that he feels a lot better about things. He opened up a bit more about the last few months. He said that prior to the conference he had kind of resigned himself to the fact that he had to come back in order to do the right thing. But I guess he still felt trapped. Then, when he screwed up my KeyWest vacation at the last minute, he saw that rather than be mopey, I flew off to Vegas. He said "I was having a miserable time puking in Key West while you were flying off to Vegas watching Penn and Teller shows. It made me think that ONE of us has got things figured out and one of us doesn't." Anyhow, he asked me point blank why I thought that he continued to sulk in misery after he moved out while I blossomed and enjoyed life. I once again discussed the need to look within and change those things about you that are roadblocks to your inner happinness/peace. While in his case, he was focused too much on changing the environment/situation but he himself remained unchanged. We've discussed this several times and in a way, I think he started to see what I was trying to say a bit more than in previous conversations. Anyhow, I ended up arriving home and ended the conversation. Again, he seemed sad that I had to go. He told me he'd be online later if I was still up.

After arriving home, unpacking getting D to bed and everything, I popped online to check emails and saw he was online. The IM conversation started off normal but then quickly took an odd turn in that he was being sexually forward in some of his questions/comments. It didn't bother me, it was just out of place since he hasn't given me a simple peck on the cheek in 2 months. I quickly assessed via his typing that he was drinking and he admitted it. Shortly after midnight, I told him I was going to bed. Once again, he moped and said he liked talking to me. I thanked him and said I felt the same. He then suggested he might come over and talk more while snuggling. I said that'd be nice. He said "really? Is that a good idea?". I told him that I couldn't answer that for him but wished him a good night. I honestly didn't think he was serious.

Needless to say, about 30 minutes later, he showed up at the house, undressed and hopped into bed with me and things went sexual quite quickly. After so long not even touching him, it was nice. But I knew that this could possibly mean nothing and in fact, could very well be the last time we sleep together. I felt sad about that thought but I had no regrets. Then things went weird. It became apparent to me that he shouldn't have driven over. He was still quite inebriated. He fell asleep quite quickly but then woke me up with absolute gibberish (including strange things like "I'll miss you"). He kept saying other things that made no sense and I realized he was drifting in and out of consciousness. Even though he was only partially aware, I still let things go sexual again. Perhaps I was being selfish but he didn't seem to mind. Towards the end, I know he mostly woke up. He was going to drive home but realized he was still very affected (not only by alcohol but also his AD meds and Ambien) so smartly decided to stay. In the morning, he got up and went home. He was still super snuggly and said he needed to think about what all of this meant.

Later this morning, he called me and asked about what had happened. He can't remember awhole lot. I recounted some of the strange things he said to me. He seemed surprised. He seemed to be aware that we'd slept together but I guess wanted to make sure that wasn't all in his head.

So where does this leave us? Hell if I know. Fortunately, I feel like if this was a momentary blip before he goes for good, I can take it. I know he genuinely cares for me and the emotion was real. He just may feel there's too much damage to repair or that the grass is still greener on the other side. Either way, I felt no guilt about sleeping with my husband, even though it felt like more of a booty call than anything else.

Life is funny sometimes. You never know from day to day what's going to happen. I will give him his space, I expect no changes (which is bad of me since it's an expectation I know), and I'll continue to move forward as I have been. I hope his meds are starting to have an effect but since it's only been about a week I find it hard to believe it's already helping. It usually takes longer than that. Either way, my focus will continue to be on my well being and the well being of my D.

Brief update,

After the strange night with H on Tuesday, he was still fairly chatty Wednesday. He came over in the evening and we went out to eat. After dinner, we came back to the house and he presented D and I with some homemade creme brulee that he had made. He told me that he had planned to make them for me for V-day but I had ended up having to work so that didn't happen. I didn't say anything. Previous to Tuesday, he was acting as if he had no interest in me so I didn't WANT to do anything for V-day. It seemed like it would have been forced and wrong. Anyhow, we thoroughly enjoyed our desserts. H insisted on sitting next to me on the couch unlike previous times. When D went into her room, he leaned over and gave me a very sweet tender kiss. It felt more affectionate than anything he's given me in the loooongest time. But then I could still see him struggling within himself. I asked him if he needed to go and he said yes. He gave me a long hug and was off. He texted me later and apologized for having to leave. He implied that he had hoped to have a repeat bedroom session. I just sent a "frowny face". And for the record, I'd like to say that I think emoticons are one of the best DB tools we have. It's like saying "I'm sad for you" or "I'm happy for you" without saying it which sometimes sounds kind of silly. Anyhow, I digress.

Today has been very different. He was not online at all and didn't text me much at all. I had a dr's appt this afternoon and asked if H could pick up D from school at the last minute. He was able to but just dropped her off at the house and left immediately. So I never saw him. I've emailed back and forth with him a few times and texted a few times but anytime this happens I know that he's having a very bad anxiety day.

So the journey continues. I continue to try and stay focused on me and it is so much easier now than I ever thought it could be. But just because it is easier, doesn't mean it's not still hard.

Journaling,

This has been an interesting week to say the least. After our sexual encounter/deep conversation earlier this week, he seemed to retract a bit. But then mid-week, he started up with a lot of texts, emails, IMs, calls etc. He asked me to call him just because he liked to talk to me. As a result, we ended up having some more deep conversations. The past few times, he's ended up coming over in the middle of the night to continue the conversation and enjoy a little intimate time. However, each time, his mind has been rather clouded with alcohol. But he's been saying over and over how amazed he is with me and how he's blown away by the changes he's seen in me. He can't seem to believe that I haven't strayed from the marriage EVER. He doesn't understand why I'd stay for him when he feels like I'm now out of his league (according to him). But I sense a change in him. He's viewing past events in a new light. He's being a little more honest with himself about the TRUE reasons for his actions. And in fact, it ended up that we finally had a conversation about how he dealt with the x-OW at the recent conference.

He told me that months earlier, he had agreed to pick her up from the airport when she arrived. So he did so even though they were no longer together. He said he took a friend along so there wasn't any weirdness and he realizes she could have found another way to the hotel. Prior to the conference, despite having told me earlier that he was leaving the OW (which he did) and was going to try to make the marriage work, he still felt like he was being forced into the situation due to my D. He felt he was obligated to do this for the sake of D even though all things being equal, he'd probably pick the OW. So even though he had taken steps toward coming back, he still wasn't over the OW and still remained unsure of the "rightness" of his decision. I guess he and the x-OW had planned to talk at the conference. So on Friday night (when D and I arrived at the hotel), I guess she found out I was there and went ballistic. I guess she didn't realize I was going to be there and found the fact that I was staying in the same room with H to be a slap in the face. Apparently she viewed the conference as a last ditch way to get back in H's good graces and talk him out of his decision. Anyhow, apparently on the Saturday, she was upset and sending snarky texts back and forth to H which, as he said, made him want to just put an end to all of the madness (because he knows despite ending it he's kind of been still stringing her along). But I guess she gradually got over it and they ended up having lunch later in the week. He said she kept telling him why she was good for him and how H could work his schedule and fix his apartment so that he can still remain a part of D's life without coming back to me.

After the conference, as any of you following my sitch might recall, we were supposed to go to Key West together. H bailed on us at the last minute. At the time, he said it was due to a lack of stuff for me and D to do since they'd be scuba diving. Now he can reflect back (a good sign) and realize it also had to do with the weirdness of taking a family trip when we really aren't back together. Plus the friends going with him to Key West had just spent the week at the conference getting drunk every night with the x-OW. So it would've been major weirdness for H.

Anyhow, when he bailed, I got mad, recovered, regrouped and replanned. And then went on a super last minute Vegas weekend with D. He said that really had a profound effect on him. The fact that rather than get mad, I changed plans and refused to sit around moping. The fact that I refused to allow him to bring me down. And the fact that while he was having a miserable time with a broken ear drum and getting sickly drunk, I was having a great time. But it kind of made him think that perhaps we were not compatible after all. Because I was a "go out and get things done" type of person and he was just a drag. So his behavior after the trip, where he was very withdrawn and almost like he was when he was with the x-OW makes a lot of sense. He was definitely rethinking things once again. Since the conference, the x-OW has moved to our metropolitan area now (where as she was several states away previously). Apparently, H went and had lunch with her recently and she again made her case.

Then H started discussing some of the deeper things that we've talked about. The fact that he can see now that the x-OW is very good at "spoon feeding" him happiness. And he realizes that the recommendation that he find that on his own is a very good one. Because as he put it, "if I'm with her and she's happy, then I'm happy. But if she gets mad at me, then my happiness will go away because I'm codependent. But if I'm with you and you get mad, then I can still maintain my own happiness". It was good to hear him finally start to grasp some of the stuff I've been saying. And for you newbies, I want to reiterate that I didn't tell him anything by force or in a "lesson" format AT him. He has ASKED me time and time again about how I managed to make the changes I made. And this was all part of what I've said numerous times. Up until now, he couldn't separate in his mind, external forces (ie OW, alchohol etc) as sources of happiness vs finding it INTERNALLY. He finally is starting to understand. But he still has a long road ahead.

He's told me flat out that "he picks me". Meaning to me that despite the fact that he's broken it off with OW, he still wasn't done mentally. But I had already gathered that. That's why her continued FB friend presence bothered me. I reminded him that if he chooses to work on us, that the x-OW contact HAS to end. And that it has nothing to do with trying to make him feel guilty or being upset with her. It's just the way it has to be. He said he understood. But I also realized the next morning that he didn't remember hardly ANY of this conversation due to prescription drugs and alchohol so who knows if he remembers that part. I will continue to watch and observe. She's blocked me from FB so I can't see her posts on my H's posts, but I've learned that FB is dumb. If I see he has 3 people that "like" his comment and I click on it, I often only see 2 people's names. That means the third person is invisible to me (ergo x-OW). So I am still WELL aware of her postings on H's FB posts.

Despite H's proclaimed desire to "make this work", he still cannot be with D and I in the house without experiencing some anxieity. His apartment lease is up this month and he's faced with whether to renew for another year or move back. I told him not to force the issue. He needs to take the time he needs. He seems inpatient though. He's frustrated that he continues to feel so anxious. In fact, his parents are coming to visit next month and we had all planned to go with them to various theme parks during their stay. Realizing his issues, I've offered to NOT go along so that he doesn't have that additional stress. I'll make some excuse about working. He was upset that I would even have to make that offer. But he's seriously considering taking me up on it. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

Despite making some good progress, H is back to feeling anxious and acting withdrawn today. Some of it may have to do with the fact that we went out on a date yesterday (without D) and went to dinner with D. H posted status updates about all of it on FB (didn't mention that his wife or daughter were with him). x-OW just HAD to comment on every one of his posts. That can't be good for his mentation. So bottom line, while I find this to be good progress, I still question whether he's really done with x-OW. He's kind of given me these lines before and then regressed quite a bit. All part of the normal ups and downs involved in MLC. I'm just thankful that he DOES seem to be waking up quite a bit and is starting to reflect on stuff much differently. To me, that's what's important.

Hi Alb

I've been reading you on and off since you got here and you have much to be proud of in the way you've managed this crisis, grown and learned throughout the process.

When I read your update just now, it occurred to me (and I just went back and re-read it) that when your H started coming towards you late last year - and he seemed to be resolute (even when he was sober) that he wanted you back in his life - it was after you'd been very dark, unavailable to him and given him a lot of space and time to miss you.

Since then, to an outsider, and just from what you write here, you've been pretty available to him, it's like he's been calling the shots. I’m glad he admitted to you that he’d still been stringing OW along, because it was pretty clear from out here in cyber land that particularly during that conference he was having his cake and eating it too. I was very proud of you when you went to Vegas!!

Maybe it's time to shake it up a bit and make yourself less available to him – make him miss you again. The timing is good because he’s coming around, but he’s drinking a lot and he’s still very confused. In order for him to have to make the tough decisions he needs to make, he needs to know that you’re not a push-over. He needs to step up now – considerably more than drunk late night intimacy and confused discussions about where his head is at …..

Just a thought … for what it’s worth.

Take care, V

Thanks Virginia,

I've been thinking the exact same thing. But I admit I've been having trouble finding a way of going through with it. I've been absolutely NOT contacting him on my own unless I absolutely need his help with D or something. But he definitely is emailing me, requesting I call him, texting me etc ALL the time now. And it DOES feel different than last fall when he came around the first time. So I feel conflicted. I want to be supportive for him and let him know I'm available to chat, but I also agree with you, less is often more. In fact, today, while at work he texted me "Miss you. That's a nice feeling :)" So it appears I'm definitely on his mind.

I readily admit I'm totally winging it at this point. I don't know I'd call what we're doing reconciliation (especially since he still has x-OW commenting all over his FB), but it's not like before and going too dark seems wrong. Which is why I'm trying to leave any and all contact in his court. But perhaps I should try to say no to things (in a nice way) every so often. I will be working a lot over the next week, so it will actually be easy to do that.

I totally agree he's drinking way too much. More of that escapism I suppose. I've been trying to avoid these drunk conversations because they are very pointless. I've already told him that if he comes over again and I realize he's drunk/incapacitated AND still drove, I will be sleeping on the couch. This is such a tough, frustrating road. I appreciate your thoughts. Any words of wisdom are always welcome. Here's hoping I can apply some of your suggestions!

Just musing,

I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned over the past year is that you can't control others (realistically), you can only control yourself. And by doing that, you often get the response you hoped for in the first place. Here's a perfect example. I mentioned in my last post that I was getting upset seeing H coming over in the middle of the night drunk/drugged when CLEARLY, he shouldn't have been driving. Rather than yell, lecture, threaten, scare, guilt, or pressure him into NOT doing that anymore, I simply told him that if he did that again, I'd be sleeping on the couch. This is an email I received at 1 am this morning.

"Sorry for everything. For the last year. For all of the pain and heartache.

I might not remember this email, but the emotions are real. I would drive over and snuggle up beside you, but you've threatened to sleep on the couch if I did. Hardly seems worth it.

Going to sleep now, in the lonely bed I made.

He's been doing A LOT of apologizing. That's nothing new. But in standing up for myself and simply stating how *I* would respond to a situation I very much dislike, it affected his behavior.

Alb,

I'm no mind reader. None of us are and cannot forsee the future. From what I am reading in your posts, however, I see your H perhaps halting his own MLC before it is over. If that happens, which my H did, you will probably be looking at this again further down the line, and 10X worse.

Read over so many of others postings here about coming back too soon. We want it to be over so badly. Want things back the way they were. Want our H's to be the men we married. We'll do practically ANYTHING to make that happen. Beg, borrow, steal, bargain with God.

My H's MLC was interrupted by, of all things, the War in Iraq. While it postponed the inevitable, it certainly didn't help.

Tread carefully, Alb. The drinking is a definite bad sign. JMO

Thanks Punkin,

I appreciate any and all insight. Just curious as to what aspects of H's behavior make you think he's halting too early? And I guess the flip side is, what would make you think it's NOT too early?

I agree, he still has a lot of work ahead of him. He still calls himself "broken" and still has a lot of depression/anxiety issues he is battling. I guess I'm a bit surprised at your take because I wouldn't have even considered him "coming out" of MLC so much as just entering a different stage. But I'm always willing to hear other perspectives because being in the midst of a situation can sometimes blind you from certain things. I found Mila's post a while back where she reminded me of the stages of MLC to be very helpful.

Stages of MLC

I can see a lot of elements of Depression and Withdrawl in his actions, as well as a little bit of acceptance every so often. I have no plans to beg, borrow or steal to get my old H back. He had issues and problems of his own and I don't want him back. The new me wouldn't allow it. If and when H comes back, I expect him to have worked through his own issues so we can work on building a new and stronger relationship.

Journaling,

Haven't posted for about a week. Over this last week, I've been working A LOT and as a result, haven't seen much of H. He's texted me a lot and emailed a lot, and we had one extended phone conversation. But still a lot less than previously. But I think that was needed.

The one thing we've discussed quite a lot is his desire to "figure himself out". We kind of discussed some of his "less desirable" traits. (I'll add that this entire conversation was initiated by him). He really seems to be searching for the "root" of his issues in a similar fashion to what I did for my own issues. I obviously can't give him answers but just listened and tried to ask questions that may get him to think. I think I managed to touch on a few things in a way that he never really thought of before. But through the conversation, he once again spoke in a "trying to make a decision about us" approach. This has become very frustrating for me since he's told me several times already that he "chooses me" only for him to say something vaguely undetermined later. I calmly asked him to please stop giving the impression that he's made a decision when in reality, he really hadn't. He asked me when he had ever said he made a decision. I mentioned last fall and in fact, last week when he said he "picks me". He couldn't disagree. His response was that when he said those things, he meant it. But then he'd rethink his decision at a later date. But he said he understood what I meant.

Anyhow, several days after that went by when I had minimal contact with him due to work. Much to my surprise, he made several life changing decision for himself yesterday. He formally asked me to accompany him and D when his parent visit next month (I had offered to not go since it tends to raise his anxiety). He also informed me that he had made the decision to NOT renew his lease. He originally thought he would have 60 days to gather himself up (and his stuff) before moving back. But later found out he actually only has 15(!). I spoke with him a bit last night by phone (he did most of the talking). I know he's been debating his lease issue for awhile. I've always told him that he needs to take his time and I didn't want him to feel rushed simply because of the lease. If he needed to renew, then so be it. He told me that while he understood what I was saying, he felt that by continuing to "run to his place" he was stuck in a cycle he wasn't breaking. And he didn't want to keep doing that. He went on to describe how he was AS frustrated now as he was a year ago when he left. At the time, he felt the frustration came from his job and in a similar fashion, from me. However, he's come to realize that it has little to do with me or his job, but rather the frustration comes from something inherent in the way HE does things. He's not sure why he does it, but he hopes he can figure it out and hopes he can change. He said that some of the things we discussed earlier in the week were quite insightful and have really got him thinking about his perception issues of himself. He mentioned a few times that we need to fix "us". I told him that I didn't feel we needed to work on "us". He needs to focus on himself. He understood my point but also feels that he is very very broken right now (which is true). He worries that being at home with me (whom he calls out of his league now), may end up causing me no end of frustration since he knows I'm different and won't put up with what I once did. I told him that I understood his concern but felt that I was able to withstand a lot more stress and end up LESS frustrated now than I ever have in the past. I've found an internal peace that has really helped in my dealings with D. I said I certainly am NOT immune to becoming frustrated or angry, but I'm able to refocus and find my center a lot better than I have in the past.

To make the long story less long (since this certainly isn't short), he's still "broken" but he's getting fed up with living like that. He's getting perspective that he hasn't had before, and I think that's significant. In a way, I feel like I've kind of been his counselor at times. He really wants to bounce things off of me and appreciates my perspective on how *I* approached my own transformation. But in the back of my mind, I had to remember that he's told me he was moving back before. He's told me he wants us to work before. He's told me HE was the one with the problems before. Since he started waking up back in October he's really been saying similar things but hasn't been able to back up what he's said too well. His anxiety attacks keep getting in the way.

When I got home last night, H was hanging out with D at the house. They were casually discussing where H's furniture will go once he moves back in. I was a bit flabbergasted. Despite telling me for MONTHS over the winter, that he was moving back, he never once had the guts to finally tell D. I think he knew that once he did there was no going back. So this is real now. He's moving back and it's happening soon.

Due to my constant working, I still haven't really talked with H about all of this. Today he texted me "You might be right about forcing things too quickly. Been a solid day of "issues"." By that he means he has super high anxiety. Despite his day of issues, he still went out to dinner with me and D. But as soon as we got home, he went back to his place. I could tell he was stressed. And unlike most nights, he hasn't texted or emailed me at all. Tomorrow we will be taking D to a weekend camp 3.5 hours away. The drive back will be the first time we'll be able to really talk about stuff in person and without D. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Of course, the x-OW issue is still around. When we briefly talked at the house last night, he got a text (it was about 1030pm) that he quickly flicked off. I'm pretty sure it was from her. Seems an odd hour to be texting someone you're not still stringing along. I thought about saying something since it was kind of obvious, but I didn't. He KNOWS my position. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he will drop the hammer on that issue at some point. But knowing him, he will drag his feet because it will not be a pleasant job for him. And in a way, I can totally see the difficult position he is in. He sincerely felt our marriage was over. He started a new R with good intentions (albeit a bad situation). This woman fell totally in love with him in a few months and planned to spend the rest of her life with him. Her move back here was partly because she hated the midwest but I'm sure the distance relationship had a LOT to do with it. Now he's faced with the realization that he left a marriage for possibly the wrong reason, started up a R for the wrong reason, and as a result has significantly negatively affected the life of yet another female. That's a lot of guilt to deal with. No it's not right. His behavior wasn't right. HER behavior wasn't right. But the pain and guilt are very very real. In my opinion, it's probably not helping his anxiety that he's not cut off all ties. It will be something I continue to closely monitor. Obviously, contact will be a lot harder to hide if moving back home.

As strange as it sounds, I've found the best way to gauge H's frame of mind is by the way he leaves the house. Historically, the old H would ALWAYS lock the door. Even when we were just hanging out at home. When his MLC hit, he'd never lock the door when leaving (which frustrated me). When he "awoke from the fog" he started locking the door again behind him when he left. When he started having second thoughts and retreated again, he stopped locking the door. When he woke up again recently, he once again started locking the door. Now, it changes from day to day. Yesterday, he locked the door. Today he didn't. It's a small thing but I find it so insightful. There is no doubt, he's very very confused.

As for me, I admit the idea of him coming back is slightly frightening. I never asked him to. Not once. I told him the door was open but wanted him to do it in his own time. I'm not sure if the time is right or not. But I can't make the decision for him and I didn't. I will recommend that we make a room for him to retreat to. Not sure if he'll want to do that but I think it would be wise. I think he will need some alone time to work through things. All I can do now is continue to work on myself and be an inspiration to him through my actions and my work. I hope he can make it through this. The fact that he's gained some significant self perspective is encouraging.

Here goes nothing....

When my H moved back in - there were pros and cons. It was nice having someone HELP me with everything (really nice), but I felt wierd sometimes, like this was MY house now and he was visiting. We were back to watching what HE wanted on TV and as silly as it sounds, my baby boy (Tug, my puppy boxer)was not listening to me anymore but my H

H would also fall into his "pre" bomb-drop self (this is when his affair was a secret, and he would find anything and everything wrong with me and what I do to justify what he was doing with OW). I wasn't buying the right food at the store, the pizza I ordered had too many mushrooms, the laundry was backed up...

it doesn't go in one ear and out the other anymore. I listen to every word he says, and I know I don't have to put up with it anymore.

So my only observation I give to you is that him moving back in might be more difficult than you imagine. be prepared.