I will try to stick to that style of language, it's just going to be a little tricky. Notwithstanding, onward I march.
So I have an initial hearing on this coming Wednesday and had to spend an hour and a half with my L doing paperwork. I so don't want this. It was all about division of property and how much I will have to start paying her every month. I am going to get slaughtered and have to stop contributing to my 401K just to keep above water. I received a copy of her proposal statement from her L. I wish she would just walk away from all of this. I am just drained emotionally these days. In my heart I feel as though there is enough between us and such a strong desire to be with our S that we can work through all of the things that are issues.
I am doing my best to stay strong, but when the legal process continues to drive on, and when I have to start writing checks and surrendering my retirement, I start to get really, really depressed.
I would give anything just to have it stop. I hope I am not so far removed from her heart that it is too late. I still love her tremendously, I love my son tremendously. I am not ready to give up, but I feel so discouraged when the legal crap comes up.
Crimson, my lengthy replies are for YOU to get it and tie in things and connect the dots. Not so you can put bullet points and counter points in a memo to her, okay?
Let is all sink in and BECOME the man you want to be, and btw, I never got an answer from you on those questions.
Are you better now, aside from realizations you have had, what else? Are you attending a church? Are you working on your OCD? IOW are you acting and or behaving in new ways with others?
whatever, you do need to lose the planner for awhile. Like a lot--gabby's got a great point.
There's a rigidity in there that is not serving you or if it is serving you at work it's not elsewhere. It reminds me of military precision training which is suitable for narrowly defined tasks.
Hence her suggestion you write a "Rules book" for your next wife. Think about that. Just curious who loaded the dishwasher? Ever discuss or argue about how to do or did you ever "demonstrate" for her?
Did you tell her there was a certain way to load and unload a dishwasher?
I'm guessing yes. Would you do THAT today? AND IF NOT
would you secretly be telling yoursellf "she's doing it wrong but I'm going to let it slide b/c that's just thet kind of cool guy i am"
or
would you say to yourself, "thank God she's here, bothering to help at all. I know there is not just one "right way" nor are all other ways wrong. There are simply different ways."
rather than seeing it as a sacrifice on your end, try to see it as a healthier happier way of living. Value and embrace the differences in each other, rather than assuming you are "tolerating a flaw" in another.
If you ever want to read a book about how people see their own behavior and others, in a semi sci-fi moralizing way, read CS Lewis's book "The Great Divorce" which has NOTHING to do with divorce. A group of people are at a bus station and it becomes apparent that some buses are going to hell and others are going to heaven.
But there are people trying to argue their way into heaven and some get angry that their spouses or kids made it and they did not, "b/c we love each other so much!!".
In one case a mother wants her son with her so much FOR HER SAKE that she's enraged b/c her son got to heaven and she didn't. "But a mother's love is the greatest of all and HE should be with ME always!!"
So she'd rather he go to hell and join her in hell, than for him to ascent to be heaven without her, all b/c of how much she "loves" her son...not!
It has several couples in the story with common marital issues that are culminating in the big judgement day and the LBSers are waiting to be rewarded and see some punishment go the way of the WAS but alas it's not quite what you expect at first....it is better.
just a philisophical digression... keep it short Crimson and speak from the heart
and dont' make it so organized that it looks too calculating. As for verbally expressed words, well since you do see her sometimes, why not give it to her (when it's time, I mean) and say a few words with it?
and let me know your other thoughts on those questions when you have time.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
These last four months has opened my eyes so wide about what truly matters and who truly matters. I can see that I wasn't a BAD or abusive husband - I was just very, very, VERY poorly equipped to emotionally support a wife or child. I had no idea how joyful the life I was living was. Nor did I have any idea how joyless I was making my w's life.
This is going in my DB file.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"Are you better now, aside from realizations you have had, what else? Are you attending a church? Are you working on your OCD? IOW are you acting and or behaving in new ways with others?"
No, I have not started attending church regularly. The church that I really like is the one that we both together that she attends (and joins). I always feel like I would be encroaching on her space if I was there. I could always go to a different service I suppose.
What I am trying to do differently now:
1.) The TV in my house is getting pretty dusty. I never turn it on anymore, my parents watch a lot and it annoys me. Last week I deleted all of the shows that I had DVR'd on my cable box - didn't watch them, just deleted them. I am about *this* close to taking the TV out of the master bedroom to further aid my progress. I have a bad Indiana (Hoosiers) basketball habit (hence the name "Crimson") - that is the only thing I really feel like I HAVE to see if I can, but that is it.
2.) I have cut back on my iPhone usage so much, even my friends have commented. This weekend in Denver I made it a point to leave it at my friend's condo whenever we went anywhere. When I get home, I take it upstairs and leave it there for the most part. When I am at a friend's house or at dinner with friends it either stays in my car or stays in my pocket. Even if it goes off.
3.) I make a conscience effort to walk away from the little messes that would have otherwise driven me nuts. I have literally walked towards something to straighten it, stopped, turned around, and walked away - leaving the mess in place. You should see weeds growing in my backyard! I finally called someone about it - to let it go like that for me is pretty big. I have also quit straightening up after my parents. No more wiping counters, putting away dishes, fixing couch pillows - and so on. I also try to let the baby make all the mess with his toys he wants during the day and only put things away once at night and maybe once before his nap.
4.) In terms of living life, I am trying to say "yes" to everything that is offered to me. Even if I don't feel like doing it. It has taken me to a few interesting places. I have also reached out to old friends that I grew apart from after I got married. I am really trying to be more sociable and have had people over more often (Christmas Tree Party, Christmas Eve Party). I have joined meetup.com, but I haven't selected any events/groups yet - I will, I have just been busy.
5.) Regardless of how tired I am, or how much I want to veg - I do everything for my son. We hike, we go to zoos, museums, parks, we read together....that is a night and day change for me. I adore that little guy. Absolutely adore him.
6.) I have asked friends and co-workers to tell me about some of my bad habits. That includes someone that used to HATE me. She made some good points about how I communicate, and I have really tried to pay attention to some of the subtle non-verbal (hell, and VERBAL) things that come from me. I also got a lot of feedback on the whole phone and "tuning out" thing. Wasn't just my W it was bothering. She just got the most of it.
7.) In light of the TV being semi-retired, I have started reading a lot more - at the moment mostly things based on relationships - but it is a start and I am learning a lot.
8.) I am looking at myself first before I look at others in conflicts. This started with my wife, but it is not ending there,
We both loaded the dishwasher - and I never criticized her for that at all. Oddly enough, she rode me pretty hard about putting our Nalgene bottles in the wrong way and melting the lids. Got that a LOT.
I'll go back and see if I missed any other questions.
"Are you better now, aside from realizations you have had, what else? Are you attending a church? Are you working on your OCD? IOW are you acting and or behaving in new ways with others?"
No, I have not started attending church regularly. The church that I really like is the one that we both together that she attends (and joins). I always feel like I would be encroaching on her space if I was there. I could always go to a different service I suppose.
I doubt she'd feel encroached upon but obviously you could have gone to a different service but you talked yourself out of it...b/c...you didn't feel like it and she would not know to see? Hey don't backslide and revert so fast.
I think this is a simple 180 and you will surely get something out of it. Plus if you do it, it's visible, and she will learn of it. Just an easy step to take that makes huge changes IN you and your life. Don't make new excuses for not doing what you don't feel like doing b/c the reward does not seem immediate... why'd you like that church anyhow? B/C you felt something? Okay then...
What I am trying to do differently now:
1.) The TV in my house is getting pretty dusty. I never turn it on anymore, my parents watch a lot and it annoys me. Last week I deleted all of the shows that I had DVR'd on my cable box - didn't watch them, just deleted them. I am about *this* close to taking the TV out of the master bedroom to further aid my progress. I have a bad Indiana (Hoosiers) basketball habit (hence the name "Crimson") - that is the only thing I really feel like I HAVE to see if I can, but that is it.
2.) I have cut back on my iPhone usage so much, even my friends have commented. This weekend in Denver I made it a point to leave it at my friend's condo whenever we went anywhere. When I get home, I take it upstairs and leave it there for the most part. When I am at a friend's house or at dinner with friends it either stays in my car or stays in my pocket. Even if it goes off.
all good stuff ^^^...I still say you could try the dinner with cells in the middle of the table b/c its' VISIBLE CHANGE...but I won't push it
3.) I make a conscience effort to walk away from the little messes that would have otherwise driven me nuts. I have literally walked towards something to straighten it, stopped, turned around, and walked away - leaving the mess in place. You should see weeds growing in my backyard! I finally called someone about it - to let it go like that for me is pretty big. I have also quit straightening up after my parents.
wow so your perfectionist parents were NOT so clean, or were they fine but it's your view point that is skewed?? Just curious that you find them less than perfect in housekeeping
No more wiping counters, putting away dishes, fixing couch pillows - and so on. I also try to let the baby make all the mess with his toys he wants during the day and only put things away once at night and maybe once before his nap. you AND YOUR SON will be happier in the long run by these acts
4.) In terms of living life, I am trying to say "yes" to everything that is offered to me. Even if I don't feel like doing it.
that's when it counts!!!
It has taken me to a few interesting places. I have also reached out to old friends that I grew apart from after I got married. I am really trying to be more sociable and have had people over more often (Christmas Tree Party, Christmas Eve Party). I have joined meetup.com, but I haven't selected any events/groups yet - I will, I have just been busy. my kids have joined that group for writer's groups and I met some comedians there too. It's not all a date site. GREAT GAL.
5.) Regardless of how tired I am, or how much I want to veg - I do everything for my son. We hike, we go to zoos, museums, parks, we read together....that is a night and day change for me. I adore that little guy. Absolutely adore him.
6.) I have asked friends and co-workers to tell me about some of my bad habits. That includes someone that used to HATE me. She made some good points about how I communicate, and I have really tried to pay attention to some of the subtle non-verbal (hell, and VERBAL) things that come from me. I also got a lot of feedback on the whole phone and "tuning out" thing. Wasn't just my W it was bothering. She just got the most of it.
this is a rare gift....so useful!! So ask them how you are doing with your personal work. You know get some feedback to see if your efforts are manifesting in outward change...ask for them to keep you posted...
7.) In light of the TV being semi-retired, I have started reading a lot more - at the moment mostly things based on relationships - but it is a start and I am learning a lot.
8.) I am looking at myself first before I look at others in conflicts. This started with my wife, but it is not ending there,
We both loaded the dishwasher - and I never criticized her for that at all. Oddly enough, she rode me pretty hard about putting our Nalgene bottles in the wrong way and melting the lids. Got that a LOT.
I'll go back and see if I missed any other questions.
Crimson
well done
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She made a joke tonight via text! That was a first. I found a little silver crucifix on the front porch with footprints on the front and a passage from the poem/prose "Footprints". I snapped a picture of it and texted it to her asking if it was hers. Much later she respond with just a plain "no". About an hour after that she said "looks like it just walked there itself (footprints!)".
So 25 and others, here are a few questions that have come to mind as I re-read what I have written to my W.
I briefly touched on a few things that I would do differently if given a second chance or a "time machine" - only like three things, maybe four. All of which are things that mattered to her at the time that I totally missed. Question is - by addressing those directly, do I make it sound like a "sales job". I.E. "I'm sorry and I would NEVER do that again."?
I also spoke a lot about our son, and how over the last 4 months it has become clear to me all that he represents in my life. I told her (and I truly mean this) that my new bond with him has made it clear that I want more children because I have realized that I get way more from him than I could ever give - and that I like the sense of purpose that fatherhood has granted me. I basically said I WILL grow my family. Should I specifically say I want to have more children and grow our family with her?? Or just leave it open ended allowing her room to conclude that she wants to be a part of it?
I don't mean to over-think, but those are two points that I am struggling with.
