Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Too Little, Too late. 2

GRRRRRR!!!! ok, got that out.

My H is driving home today with the boys. They have a 13 hours drive, so I still have some time to mentally prepare myself. I was doing good so far, I was planning a special dinner and looking forward to hugging my boys again.
Then.... H called to let me know they were on the road. He told me that he had sat with his dad and revised our Sep papers and wanted to go over them with me. [H has not discussed/mentioned Sep papers in 2 weeks, and our last discussion was only about doing a deployment agreement] So needless to say, I was a little confused and hurt. I expressed that I was confused because he had said I would get a copy of our most recent agreement so I could discuss things with my parents too.... he never sent that to me in the past 2 weeks. H got very defensive and stern voice: "I never said you couldn't talk to your dad. I never said I wasn't going to talk to mine, that was my plan and it didn't change. Not my fault if you feel like this."
(I was proud of my 180 reaction): "I've told you how I feel. I don't want to discuss this with you while you are driving and I don't want S5 to hear anything. I appreciate the heads-up and I will get my thoughts together so we can discuss it when you get home." [inside I'm crying and screaming!!] I was surprised by how calm he instantly got: "if I upset you, that wasn't my intention. This whole process is frustrating for me- maybe that's why I sounded angry." (of course I wanted to say: 'well than don't do it! no one held a gun to your head and made you create separation papers!'

So this was on of the things I predicted before my trip.... now I'm waiting for the other prediction to come true- that he will announce that he's moving out until he leaves in July. This one I will fight against- not for me but for the kids. Fact is, he will be gone for a year and miss daily hugs, kisses, bedtime, birthdays and holidays.... he owes it to my kids to be with them every moment he has available. I will not hesitate to tell him that he is being selfish if he moves out and that our kids' needs must come before his. I know that statement goes against DB, but it's for the benefit of the boys so I have no problem breaking a rule.

Had to vent that out before it eats at me all day. Ok, now back to planning a special dinner for my boys (I could care less if H likes it, or even if he eats at all!!)

Hey Purg, I know this was a big blow to you and I'm really sorry You handeled the situation with complete dignity though and I'm sure your husband didn't expect that response from you.

I am the queen of breaking the rules. I can't say that it has helped me, but I totally understand why you are doing it. Just make sure you mentally prepare for whatever his response may be so that you can handle the sitch when it arises because it can turn ugly very quickly.

I hope that you have an amazing dinner with your kids. I wish that I was able to give you great advice like you always give me, but lately I am screwing up left and right so I wouldn't trust a word that I say. On the other hand, if you just want to yell and scream I will be more than happy to join along.

I'll be thinking about you ((( )))

Journal...

We sat down and talked about the Sep papers. Sad thing is that most everything we agreed upon, and the stuff I didn't like, he revised so that I was comfortable. It just reminds me that he's a 'good guy' and isn't looking to abandon ship from me nor the kids. It was strangely surreal: being so calm and matter-of-fact talking about the breakup of my M. I never once felt myself start to cry during our 1.5 hour discussion... until he left the room.
The whole time, H was calm and asked if I was comfortable with the way things were written.... he is so confident in his decision to walk away- even when reality is that we can't afford to house holds, to which he replied: "we'll have to consider all options when I get back from Afg. But I will be fighting to not make us have to live together." (he might as well have sucked all the air thats left in my lungs and killed me himself tonight!)
He's already changed his Will.... something he told me about after the fact. He dropped the bomb a month ago, and seems to be moving on with the legal aspects so quickly, I don't know what the rush is?? Maybe in his mind, the bomb was actually dropped when he moved out in August- but it was our understanding that it was temporary so we could solve our problems... somewhere along the way- he decided that he *liked* being just friends (mind you, we were still kissing everyday and ML sometimes) so who wouldn't want *that* kind of friendship?! But since the end of Nov., we haven't kissed, ML or even hugged... so while he got 5 months of affection to help him slowly come down from the 'in-love' mountain, I got a f-ing avalanche and everything was wiped away in a flash!

How is a person supposed to keep up the idea of hope and/or that this could ever be turned around when H is so focused on getting apart quickly??

Ironically: this was my horoscope today (go figure?)
"Pay attention to the fine print right now -- you're particularly vulnerable to legal matters. So if you get in a fender bender or are about to sign a document, cross your Ts and dot your Is. Leave no stone unturned. Witnesses and expert opinions prevail."

When my W first dropped the bomb it was about needing space to think and consider. If you ask her now though that was a ruse to "ease" me into this, so that it wasn't such a shock. Even as she was saying she needed space she says she knew she wanted a divorce.

Of course this is what she has said... is it the truth? Is it revisionist history? I have no way of knowing. But I can tell you that on the day she dropped the first bomb we hugged. I remember thinking that that hug felt like a goodbye hug more than any hug I've ever received. It's also the last one I've gotten from her, so perhaps it was intended to be.

Are you having your attorney look at this? This all sound a bit too smooth.

Purg - what a bomb!! I am very sorry I know this is a lot to deal with. You handled it so so well. Dont lose all hope. I still believe you can turn this around. The only way to do it is to continue to work on yourself.

Purg said
" I will not hesitate to tell him that he is being selfish if he moves out and that our kids' needs must come before his. I know that statement goes against DB, but it's for the benefit of the boys so I have no problem breaking a rule."

Dont do what you say you will do. Dont call him selfish. He needs to see that you have changed especially in the toughest sitch. That you can keep calm even when things are rocky.

I dont think keeping him in the house till he leaves will benefit your kids. If you force H to stay I think he wont stay in the M. If you dont fight him you have a better chance to save the M and that will benefit your kids more.

The reality is you H is choosing to hurt your kids and he needs to see that pain before he leaves.

Def. have an attorney look at the papers. That does not mean you dont have a chance. I really believe I slowed my H down when he told me we were getting a D and I just said Okay, its up to you.

Dont lose faith. Your kids will tell your H everything DB doesnt allow you to say.

Maybe now is the time to call a DB coach.

Hang in there. You boys would want you to believe.

Wow. I really needed that. When I read back over my previous post, I cringed. I said that in a state of anger- and I really meant it.... but you bring up some good points, and I know that shouldn't fight him on any decision he wants to make right now. Thanks for giving me a reality check

LB and Bkln- I am meeting with a lawyer, hopefully sometime this week or next.

labug- you said that it seemed too easy... that's what really suxx about this!! He and I are on the same page for almost every detail- even though we had never really discussed these topics before. It just reminds me that we are a lot more alike, than not... which rips my heart out as we discuss splitting up. I am lucky that H isn't trying to screw me out of anything that I may need, in fact, he's wants to do more than the law requires:
example: he will pay [our current calculated] alimony and child support until the kids are 18, regardless of how much I make in any job I get (instead of dropping alimony at [1/2 our marriage year]. ALSO, he will pay 50% of my new health insurance until the kids are 18 (since I'm being forced out of my military insurance)... these may not be the biggest examples of 'good guy' behavior, but these are things that he didn't *have* to do and put in there before showing them to me... and it makes me love him more

These next week are going to have me run the gamut of emotions:
Sunday would have been our 7 year anniversary (sad)
Wednesday is my S 6th b-day, his party is the following Saturday (happy)
Friday I have 6 hours of testing at the hospital- I get to be radioactive for a few hours! (nervous/scared)

Awww (((( Purg )))), I know it feels like your world is crashing down around you, but I would think that spending a year in Afghanistan is going to be a reality check for your husband. It is so easy for all of us to take family and friends for granted. When we are placed in a remote area with little contact from the ones we love we begin to develop a new perspective on life...

I truly believe that he will be reaching out to you while he is over there and you will have the ability to continue showing him all of the positive changes that you have been making. He would be a fool to leave you and don't you let anyone make you think otherwise.

I am thinking of you and I will be praying for you when you go in for your test.

Purg - that is a lot to deal with. when it rains.. it pours..

you did great in your interaction w/ your H. it was hard but you kept your composure which sounds like you gained a bit of control on your part as well as maintaining your self esteem. there's something about breaking down in front of the WAS that seems to tear a way a piece of your soul. and afterwards.. if you needed to cry.. then come on here and vent away!! we're hearing your story w/ open hearts and open.. um.. keyboards? you know what i mean!

your H seems to be getting his affairs in order which doesn't necessarily mean it's about you. i imagine there's some apprehension on his part that he will be leaving everyone for a year. perhaps he is thinking about all the changes that could possibly happen and by making out separation papers.. updating will etc.. maybe he's thinking it's a way of protecting himself. i don't know. i obviously don't know the answer.. it's just a thought that occured to me.

so while he's taking care of his business.. who's taking care of yours? the answer has to be you. since he's seen a lawyer, i'm glad you will be too.

hope? there's always hope. if you have doubt.. look into those little faces that you love and adore so much! i can't imagine it would be easy to leave those 2. and while he's thinking of them.. it will be hard not to think of you as well. heck.. we haven't met and i already think about you!

take care of your health. be good to your boys. they will need you even more when H is gone.

Sun & BF- I hope y'all are both on the west coast cause you're posts are really early in the morning (my eat coast time).... I hope y'all are sleeping and taking care of yourselves

Now, that being said- THANK YOU!!! I have tried to keep a positive outlook on all my issues. I truly believe in my heart, that him going overseas is a good things for our R. As cr@ppy as it will be for both of us- it's extra hard on him. I used to keep this in mind for all previous deployments: "We miss him, but he misses everything." I hope that will ring true for this separation time as well. BF you brought up a good point, H will be missing/thinking about the kids and he can't help but think of me along with them.... so that's a silver lining on my dark cloud.

Sun- I really hope that with a little time over there, his anger will start to subside and the positive memories of me will seep back in... then maybe, he will reach out to me as a source of comfort. He!!, he will want to call whenever possible to talk to the boys- guess who's gonna have to answer the phone? ME!!

BF- I like your theory that H is getting his sh!t in order to protect himself. He's actually said those exact words a few times (although it was in reference to $$ and me not taking the kids while he's gone)

*Please excuse my sailor's mouth... I was raised by one and married one*