Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is There Hope?

I didn't read your previous-to-previous post. Sorry.

Ignore all that stuff about waiting for his perceptions to change if you're truly done with him. If that's the case, then you don't have to act as-if for anything. It really doesn't matter what he thinks, right?

If you're not completely done, then perhaps my post is worth some consideration.

Either way, my thoughts are with you.

Thank you ANS and J.S.

ANS: I think that I HAVE to be done at this point. Because the way things are now, I trust him about as much as I trust my local M.P. (Meaning zero) and to gain that back would involve work, which he will never do because in his eyes, he's done nothing wrong. So yes, I must walk away from this and abandon hope. The reason I am 'worried' about what he thinks is really for my own self gain. Because if he is 'pissed' at me or whatever, my last few months there will be a living hell. So my 'acting as if' is to keep the peace until I can GTFO of there So your advice I will take. Thank you!

And J.S: I wish YOU HAD given me your thoughts. Coming from a man who knows a bit about the ins and outs of my sitch from the deployment side carries a lot of merit. Even though it would have hurt, the more reassurance I have that I am doing the right thing right now, the better.

So if you're bored one night and feel like giving me your piece of advice. I am all ears.

I realise that I am not on this board anymore for most of the same reasons you all are, I am still stuck in the sitch of living with a WAH for a little while longer.

I really and TRULY appreciate everyone who gives me insight, support, and advice.

It's very soothing to have people are kind enough to take the time for a complete stranger.
Thank you

111

Oh and I guess I should have added. I am not just staying until he returns, I am staying now for 2 months after. Until May 1st. So I can take my time finding a place, move in the spring and sock away some more dough (by then I will have paid off the wedding).

Hence why I was looking at ways ya'll have kept the peace while living with a volatile WAS.

Merci beaucoup!

Today is *not* a good day.

I wrote ex to tell him that I had to pay the tax bill (large amount) and just filled him in on why I was paying it when I was.
His response was 'good and don't pay the other half (thats due in the summer) because I am getting posted and I won't even live here"

That just scared the b-gebus out of me. I miss him so much. I miss the guy who left tho, I know this.

So given that I am a complete whimp (and sick from a cold and feelin' like a baby)

I wrote him. "I miss talking with you. I miss the sound of your voice. I know I shouldn't be bothering to say all this as the sentiments are not returned, I'm just having a tough time letting go of the P and T (our names) that said goodbye to one another last June. I know we are not those same people anymore though"

God I'm such a whimp

One11, You are not the first person to reach out and pursue. You are not the first person to express your feelings in this manner. Generally it is not productive to the goals most of us here have. Most of us consider this a mistake. Mistakes are things we learn from. We learn not to repeat them. Some of us myself included take awhile to learn. Ruminating over a mistake just makes me feel bad. Ceasing to make the same mistake means I have moved forward. GAL to feel better. Try to move forward.

I agree with 25, and she stated it much more eloquently than I ever could. I have seen some people placed in risky situations justify short term gratifications on the basis of the risk. Some exaggerated the risk to justify the gratification. I would add there is a rush people get from pursuing new relationships and some people seem to pursue the rush itself.

We cannot state what will happen in a few weeks when he returns. You can only hope to control your actions. I can state I have never found needy, emotional women attractive. Calmly confident, independent, approachable women are attractive to me and I like to think I am like most in this regard.

It has been said people want what they cannot have. If you become the women only a fool would leave and he realizes it he may reengage, but if he is only interested in the pursuit where does that leave you?

I apologize as this is rough. Breathe, you have a plan, execute it and move forward. Post here to vent your fears, your frustrations.
Recognize the baby steps even if they are only from your recovery, celebrate your successes.

I know! My reply to his was SO full of neediness. I agree! It's pretty gross. But in a way - because I have no real hope (fantasy hope yes, actual concrete hope nope) that we are staying together, I guess it doesn't really matter. Except it is undignified for me.


And re: baby fever: it was HIM who had it. Not us. We felt a bit of a pinch to start trying because I was 39-40 at the time and we knew my bun-makin' oven wasn't getting any younger. But yes THANK GOD I had the strong desire to be married before we had a baby, otherwise, I would most likely be pregnant right now and going through this.


And yes his 'being posted' comment did scare me because as I mentioned, in fantasy I was hoping somehow, we'd be together and that I would be posted with him. I know that isn't reality though.

I was really looking forward to our next posting and we had spent hours chit chatting excitedly about the 'what ifs' regarding the various places we could end up. It was a 2x4 of reality, once again that that dream for my near future is no more.

Him not being there, it's easy to excape into a little bubble sometimes that everything *really will* be okay with us, but it won't. 5 more weeks and I will be getting a daily reminder of this.


You're right about the adrenaline rush. As we all know, new relationships cause all those endorphins to run wild, when that wears off and the relationship causes any stress, he goes running. And you know what? He will again with the next woman too.

I think that it just took his docile wife a lot longer to get to the point we did, but it was much the same point indeed.

I am not a peach, and h3ll knows I've done a lot of things wrong, but I've been a really great partner and wanted this to work, and was WILLING to do things to MAKE it work. He didn't. Not because he hates me, not because he used me, but because he has never stuck it through the 'bad times' of ANY relationship, and will most likely continue on that path. He will find a new adrenaline rush and once it wears off with her, go to the next. I truly believe that.



Thanks so much for listening to my gripes. I still of course have flickers of hope, but not very much.

Oh and the posting thing? I was talking to our mutual friend and he said that notices of postings don't come out until April. Knowing my EX he was saying that to be flippant as he knows I was really looking forward to moving.

(((111)))
I wanted to stop by and give you some love, since you've been so kind to me on my thread.

I can't imagine the anxiety you must be feeling right now about his homecoming.

"You're right about the adrenaline rush. As we all know, new relationships cause all those endorphins to run wild, when that wears off and the relationship causes any stress, he goes running. And you know what? He will again with the next woman too."

I'm impressed you came to this conclusion. I think I've been hoping for the same thing with my H and his new OW.... I really hope it crashes and burns!! ok, that's my negative thought for the day- no more of those.

We need to find our dignity and learn to keep our heads up no matter what gets thrown at us.... let me know when you've figured out the magic trick for actually *doing* it

Hi 111,


It’s not a requirement on the boards to be dignified. IMHO, dignity is something that is deep within yourself. Not feeling good about your sit is not undignified. Posting your feelings may not project dignity, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have inner dignity.

Expressing your apprehensions to your SO does not project dignity; which doesn’t help any DB efforts, to say the least, but it does not nullify your inner dignity.

Hi purgatory... Maybe that’s a way you can think about dignity too. Dunno. I think you both have a lot more dignity than you give yourselves credit for.


We listen to your gripes for the very reason I alluded to above. So you can vent whilst keeping your inner dignity intact. Gripe away!

And as far as “flickers of hope,” I found a quote awhile back that I think covers that sentiment very well:

You’re making all kinds of assumptions about what your SO will do. Of course, you know him well enough to see patterns, so I’m not going to blow off your perceptions. I’d just say that you don’t really know what will happen in the coming weeks. “Flickers of hope” may not be such a bad thing as long as you don’t turn them into expectations.

I think life has some great surprises for you around the corner...

maybe not with him, per se, but coming nevertheless.

Besides, he's not a good catch as he is. Period. He has "bad partner history" and is saying nothing to indicate a change in him that favors it. So he's got "bad partner" future written there too.

My point is that IF there's a chance for him to wake up and get it, it would take losing you for real to alert it.

He knows how to pursue and he enjoys the hunt. He simply doesn't know or like the "now I have it' part of a relationship, so he's stunted in his development.

Who wants to deal with that? Bottom line-

Now I'd love to hear about your GAL and plans for the future of YOURS!

(That is what you control)