Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

proud of you whg - hang in there.

I guess I am naive, who would want to put there kids through this, again?

You are right that DBing will be easier now. You are doing amazing. Stay strong and motivated for the kids

WHG,

Well done.

I'd be concerned about SD's comment too. Wow. I *hate* it when LBSs insist on blaming the WAS, sharing adult details about infidelity, using the other parent to teach a lesson in morality. It is soooo bad for the kids. You've done none of that, nor have you even seemed to have to bite your tongue much in terms of not bashing/blaming W when you talk to the kids. Really great to see you maintain such a loving position. But what to do when a child is feeling you abandoned the family? Wow. Tough one. Worth a question to your IC or FC. Great job, though, not going into a reactive mode to "clear things up."

Does your state offer mediation for custody/child support issues? I wonder if that would be useful in terms of working out new custody/child support issues that arise with XH.

Glad you are BOTH feeling that the separation is more real and have more space. Keep cutting the strings. They don't keep people close to us.

Flourish.

Congratulations seem out of place for this because of the nature of the sitch, but you handled it with compassion and dignity. I think it was big of you to step in and help W while talking with SS and SD, but I'm sure the kids appreciated knowing that you are still an intricate part of their lives.

I really giggled at her 'basement experience'.... The WAS doesn't alway realize what their *new* life will be like, and her night of mishaps seems like karma came back for some revenge

I am impressed that SD had such a bold conversation with her mom. Your W really needed a 2x4 from her. People like to think that we can talk our way out of things or manipulate situations to our advantage- fact it: you can't with kids. Their innocence doesn't allow them to fall for any of it, and they have no problem speaking their mind. I hope you W really considers what her D said to her and the impact of W's life decision have not been lost on D.

Enjoy this weight being lifted off your shoulders.... and sleep better with no snoring next to you

@BklynOddly enough, I think precisely because she HAS done this once before she feels it's easier to do a second time. After all, it's not like SS and SD haven't already rode this rollercoaster. And S has seen the "two-house" family from afar his entire life as well. In fact he's never actually known a family where everyone is home all the time and doesn't go off to some other parent's house.

@OTI know. While from my own perspective I thought "thank you... thank you SD for seeing this for what it is" my heart also breaks that this is what she thinks of her mom now. I wonder how it will effect her own R's in the future.

Unfortunately our state does not offer mediation. It's just going to get ugly b/w XH and W. SS and SD will get caught in the middle, and at a time when they are already caught in the middle. W and I certainly aren't trying to "put them in the middle" but I would think kids feel that way to some degree no matter what we intend.

Oldtimer... I re-read your post... I'm a little confused I think. SD's message to my W was that she feels W is taking them away from me, not that I have abandoned them. That W has now done this twice and SD is concerned because she sees a pattern of behavior, and would like to not get attached to some third guy only to go through this yet again.

I didn't go into "clear this up" mode because I didn't see anything to clear up. I wouldn't anyway, but the point is I think SD sees this as me still being here for all of them (W included) but that she knows her mom and I can't stop her mom from doing what she will.

Whew, that's a relief. Glad I misunderstood :-)

WHG, wow you really did a great job with it all. Under the circumstances, I don't think you could possibly do any better than what you are already doing. I know it must be very hard though. Hugs to you.

You did well...considering the circumstances.

Now is when the work can start though.

The initial part is over, and there is a basic understanding of what is going to happen in their lives, yet to them, the seed was only planted for the real questions that will be with them now.

Consistency with your answers, in line with how you presented things to them, is the important part.

It's not only going to be a facade of the way things will be, it WILL be the way things are now.

Now is the time when the reality of the situation will be revealed to not only them, but to all of you.

There isn't anything you can do except to continue to work on the things you want to be different in your life, so that you can show them the way through this.

That reality equals her first night in the basement, being a "rough" one.

Not your problem now.

Just continue on your path, with the Dignity that you have shown so far.

Everything else will fall where it must...

Thanks Mach. I know it seemed minor to my W this morning, but I needed to ask her whether she intended to tell our kids' teachers in person or if we should send the email I drafted. And it is minor perhaps, but SS last night and again this morning asked if his teachers would know. And SD's teacher emailed me back this morning saying the first thing SD told her was to check her email. We told the kids we would do "x" now we have to do "x". Trust builds upon trust and they will be watching our every move.

W asked me this morning if she could go purchase a mattress. My reply was that she has her money and I have mine... buy a mattress if you want, I really don't care. She lacks enough for a new mattress and yesterday insisted that used ones are gross and she would never sleep on a used mattress.

So today she found a used one that works once she saw the prices of new ones. Guess icky is better than deflated