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What a bad night's sleep. The kids slept in my bed. I had nightmares about ex with those women I need to somehow stop thinking about it.

This may not work for you, but it did for me.

Workout to the point that by the end of the night you are exhausted. Tired sleep tends to produce less dreams, or so is my theory.

It also helps to pre set your dreams. Many believe they can influence their dreams by thinking about what they want to dream. Chances are you were probably thinking about your bf when you went to bed. So voila! Terrible dreams.

Jenna: I just read your whole thread.

Im very sorry you're going through such a confusing time. I agree that you must stop ML because it sounds like it's messing you up inside afterwards.

And why is your ex telling you his 'dating history'. Tell him to stop. You don't want, nor need to know.

And I wanted to add, I'm another newbie on the board that is not married. I was engaged, but that was broken in Oct, and now the relationship was broken officially on Dec 27. (but in all honesty, it was broken wayyyyy before that)

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Distancing myself from him is so hard. I hate it, honestly. He comes over to get the kids and wants to chat with me, and I have to not do it. He NEEDS to miss me. He even agrees that what we had (have! :() was rare and special. He's still in love with me. Why is he doing this...To see other people? That thought is just tearing me up. He always was so happy to have only me. He's still insanely attracted to me. I'm just so hurt. The thought of him flirting and even worse with other women is killing me. He's honestly never even been seriously interested in anyone else before. We got together so young. I feel so betrayed even though we're not together. I guess it felt like we still were in a way because we still ML and flirted, talked, etc. It feels wrong that I had to be the one to end all of that. It seems like most WAS don't want any of that with the LBS. He misses me and loves me. Ugh!

I read this article and I hate to admit it, but he needs to detach from me as much as I need to detach from him We had an unhealthy relationship for too long. I am just going to keep hoping that we will grow while apart and become healthy individuals that can come together and be wonderful. I know it's possible. And I know a part of him wants just that. I wish he wasn't thinking of other people during this time apart.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I have a couple of friends (around my age, so mid-twenties) who separated from their partners for 1 year (one just under a year, one just over). One saw a few different people (left her husband because she was having an A) and when her husband eventually started dating someone, realized what she was throwing away, and a few months later they reconciled. They're now happier than they've ever been.

My other friend, whom I've known for 8 years, left her partner because she'd fallen in love with his best friend. They even became engaged. She started to feel weird about it, and realized that she wanted her family back. They're also the happiest now than they've ever been.

I need to have patience, and to realize that just because he's interested in dating around doesn't mean that this is the end for us. It just adds a whole other level of fear for me, but I need to find my strength and stop fearing everything. That is what I'm trying to change, more than anything. There is hope. He's still in love with me. He hasn't had the chance to miss me yet.

It's been 1 month today.

I'm having a hard time. What else is new, right? I've been up off and on since 4am.

Yesterday he met the kids and I at the grocery store because he needed to give me money and he wanted to see the kids. It felt so right to shop together...as a family He was enjoying it. He made more inappropriate comments. He said I looked amazing in my jeans, that he can tell I've lost more weight because my hips are more defined, and that...wait for it...I'm a sex goddess. Yeah, he actually said that. I was so down in the dumps that I ate it up and didn't tell him to not speak to me that way. It's so hard to fathom telling the person you love and want to come home to treat you like a friend, not a close one that you're interested in and can flirt with and have deep conversations with.

It seems most LBS WANT their WAS to stay longer, to flirt with them, to fall back in love with them. My situation, though I'm not saying is worse in any way, is so hard because he's doing these things and I have to get him to stop (except I don't want him to stop falling for me). His love for me is there, he told me, but it's not where it should be. Obviously. If he felt head over heels for me, he wouldn't be doing this It just feels so strange that instead of trying to get him to feel comfortable and welcomed here so he'll want to stay and he realizes what he's missing, I have to be firm in that he can't stay, can't flirt, can't feel welcome all the time. Dealing with a cake eater is so hard! I have to go against feeling like I need to attract him, because he's already attracted. He just wants both me and the single life, and he can't have both. It does feel like I'm throwing my chance with him away, but that's my low self-esteem talking, whispering in my ear that he won't miss me like I'm hoping he will. He did tell me after the last time we ML that he was expecting to miss me, but not like this. He even believes that the changes I'm making are being made for me, not for him.

Another part of me believes he flirts with me and wants to ML to me because I'm familiar, comfortable, he does have feelings for me (that he's obviously fighting), and he's lonely. That hurts so much. I don't even have words for how much that hurts. He was always so in love with me. Always. Why didn't he listen to me and get me counseling when I asked for it this past fall? That's when he was thinking of leaving. He says now that he should have.

He made a comment about buying his own house. That hurt me. I keep hoping we'll get back together before that and we'll get a house together. We were talking about my college and I mentioned that they have holiday parties. He said, "You won't have any trouble getting dates." I'd love nothing more than to bring him

He has either today or tomorrow off, OR both. Not sure yet. He's going to try to pick up a shift for one of the days. Anyway, how should I act when he's here? Just tell me what to do, haha. I need the guidance.

Jenna,

He is saying all those nice things to keep you close. Every word is to check your temperature.

Case in point:
You have a conversation where those things will not be discussed. Not until he commits.

You set a boundary! And what did he do?

He broke it!

And what did you do?

Nothing!


HE has CHOOSEN not to have you as a lover.

HE has CHOOSEN not to have you as a flirter.

HE has CHOOSEN not to have you as a partner.


He MUST live with HIS decisions. But you are not making him.


Only one person can allow him to cake eat. And that someone is you.


I understand I come off as harsh Jenna, but it's because I care about you and his behavior is deplorable. And the power you have is huge.


There will NEVER be a reason for him to stop as long as he knows he can get away with anything he wants.


How should you act when he's there? Act "as if"..

"as if" you don't need him.

"as if" you will be fine.

"as if" you're going to have a great day.

"as if" you you will find someone else.


And do not allow him to cross your boundary. The time to DB is now.

I know you know!

But can you DO!!!

Thank you, SBH. You don't come off as harsh at all. I NEED to hear these things.

I will be firm today! I just worry that I come off as bitchy when I don't allow him to flirt with me.

Stop saying you are not allowing it... You are setting a boundary bease on His wants and HIS wishes.


HE decided this not you!