Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Too Little, Too late. 2

ces 67 said: 'Instead of wanting to save your M, you'll be tempted to say you deserve this love and may start looking elsewhere yourself. You're human and its not wrong to have these feelings. Just be aware and check yourself on what it is you really want."

You are absolutely right. I've found myself having the thoughts about looking elsewhere- but then it makes me sick to my stomach to think about being with another man when I'm still in love with H, I would be cheating (even though I'm not his anymore). I just keep reminding myself: 'how would it make me feel if I knew he was with another woman?' My answer is always that I would feel sick/angry and hurt.... so if I don't want him to do that, why would I? I can't control his actions, only mine. And I want my actions to match my 'words': "that I am standing in the fire for our M and the path back home is always smooth. But while you're working on finding yourself, I am too."

something you made me think about.... I was slim and sexy when H met me. I never had to worry about what I ate and I never gained weight. THEN, the baby came and all that went out the window. I had such body issues and confusion as to why the weight wasn't gong away. My H always told me I was sexy and beautiful. He always touched me and initiated sex. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I constantly rejected his advances. I would 'give in' sometimes, but he could always tell that I wasn't in it. Fast forward 5 years and a second child... we had a sex starved M. This created a huge self-confidence problem for H- because he was convinced that he was the problem (regardless of how many times I tried to convince him otherwise) This is when he really started focusing on the gym. At the same time, I was in therapy to discover how to change my issues. by the time I worked through my 'body demons', he had decided that it was over. So now, I'm left with all this love that I am ready and capable of showing in ways I've never done before, and he wants nothing to do with me.

He always said: "I don't care what size you are. As long as you can keep up with me and the boys. You are so beautiful to me I didn't fall in love with you because of your jean size"
When the bomb dropped: "I don't find you attractive at all. If you were hotter, I could probably deal with the fighting... but since your personality has become ugly- the outside is more of an issue now. I don't want you to be the one who kisses me and ML. The only thing I find pretty about you are your eyes and boobs" (he's a boob guy, figures.)

[since the bomb 1 month ago, I've lost 15 lbs and 2 pants sizes. H mentioned to his brother that he's noticed I've lost weight, but he's never told me. I can't work out a lot b/c of my heart/lung issues- but I've done a 180 on my diet. I also don't walk around in yoga pants all the time, I wear nice jeans that show off my smaller waist and fitted tops]

Is that really possible? How do you gain 'attractiveness' in someones eyes who has clearly decided that you are repulsive?? I can't ever be the size 2, blonde that I was when we met 9 years ago.... how do I catch his eye??

I heard similar ugly words from my H but I believe the best thing to do is forget them. Become attractive to yourself, have an attractive personality, and just try to forget that those words were ever said to you.

I believe those words are part of the self-justification. H just wanted you to understand how completely over you he was. This can change. Keep DBing and keep GALing.

You're definitely not alone when it comes to attraction - although I haven't actually SEEN my wife for a week now and even then for only a brief minute when I was half asleep. But I have an active imagination.

Also, maybe it's just a matter of personal taste but I think you're underestimating yoga pants. I think their inventor deserves the Nobel prize.

Purge you can be anything you want including a size 2. And with man anything is possible including finding you sexy again. Don't lose hope I know how easy it is to do. Get a new hair style wear red lip stick( I think most man like red lipstick) perfume. He def needs to say mean things to justify his actions. Smile and laugh alot. Hang in there

Purg- Your motives to stay faithful sound like mine. Its encouraging to hear someone else with the same focus. Thank you.

I would say my W struggled with the same body image as you explained. We have very similar struggles as you described. I married her for who she was as well, not the size of her clothes.

Glad you're taking care of yourself. Its good for YOU and that's what's important right now.

Purg said: Is that really possible? How do you gain 'attractiveness' in someones eyes who has clearly decided that you are repulsive?? I can't ever be the size 2, blonde that I was when we met 9 years ago.... how do I catch his eye??

IMHO, confidence and inner peace are extremely attractive. When my W and I met, I learned her life story. 2 drunk parents. Dad was abusive and mom was checked out. Dad ran off with a young girl when she was 13. Her mom died when she was 16 and W had to move in with an aunt & uncle she barely knew.

Dispite these challenges, she had one of the warmest smiles I'd ever seen and she seemed truly happy. And yes, I can still tell you exactly what she was wearing the day i "noticed" her for the first time, but it was who she was that I fell in love with. Still hoping to see her again someday.

Keep up the GAL for yourself. Ultimatley, that is what will carry you through regardless.

purg - i laughed when i read your post about the perfume! one of my GAL goals is to slather myself (sounds attractive huh?) in pretty lotion right before bed. if H decides to sleep in our bed when he is home, there will be lingering memories of me. and if he doesn't notice.. well at least i'll feel pretty and i'll have soft skin!

as for your H's mean comments, i think the WAS will say whatever in order to validate their decision. it makes them feel better about wanting to leave. their comments.. their "reasons" are really more about them than they are about you. haha.. at least that's what my therapist tells me. see what money can buy you? jk. it's really hard to not take these kinds of comments to heart.

i lost about 15 pounds too when bomb dropped. now i'm slowly losing more for myself (can't believe how much weight crept up over the years.. especially when i look at pregnancy photos.. ugh!). everyone else has commented but not my H. i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and thought.. wow! i HAVE lost a lot of weight! your H may not say it to you but you can bet he's noticing and probably checking you out too. he just can't let you know about it. just keep doing what you're doing.

your H is right in some ways. when you become more more confident about yourself and realize how beautiful you are (without his acknowledging), it will radiate outwards and people can't help but to see you differently. so how do we get you there?

A few months after my H dropped the bomb I bought myself some sexy underwear. I had lost 20 lbs so I needed and thought even if I am the only one that knows I am wearing sexy panties sometimes that confidence shines through.

There are so many sexy woman that are not a size 2 its all about confidence. I too am trying to get my groove back.

Based on what I've learned from my DB coach and what I've read here, this DEFINITELY seems true and very common. I think that's the point of emotionally detaching - it helps you keep from taking it too personally - they're in a bad headspace; imagine an argument going on in their head: there's PROBABLY some part of them that thinks this isn't such a hot idea and is trying to argue the point, but the part of them that is convinced this is the route to go is shouting the other part down, and the hurtful things we hear are the spill over from this internal struggle. At least, it's kind of helps me to think of it that way...

WOW! I am feeling loved tonight.... thank you all so much for taking time to give me some feedback. Each person made me think of something, so if you'll bear with me, I'd like to respond to each:

Advina said: "I believe those words are part of the self-justification. H just wanted you to understand how completely over you he was. This can change. Keep DBing and keep GALing."
Even though I know you're probably right, I can't believe how different his 'decision' can make him. He acts as if he never had any care/affection towards me, ever.... like I'm just some annoying crush that bothers him.

kolja said: "Also, maybe it's just a matter of personal taste but I think you're underestimating yoga pants. I think their inventor deserves the Nobel prize."
This made me laugh... I LOVE yoga pants!! The problem is that I started wearing them all the time instead of jeans because they have stretchy waists. So my H associates them with being frumpy.... Im trying to show him that I don't see myself as frumpy anymore.

rick said:"And with man anything is possible including finding you sexy again. Don't lose hope I know how easy it is to do. Get a new hair style wear red lip stick( I think most man like red lipstick) perfume. He def needs to say mean things to justify his actions. Smile and laugh alot. Hang in there
I got highlights in my hair and I'm more aware of wearing makeup everyday, even if it's just a little to cover the bad spots. I chose a new perfume as my 'go-to' because I know that smell is one of the biggest memory clues, and I didn't want my old 'go-to' to remind him of the negative aspects of our R. **In fact, when my H moved home just before Thanksgiving, we ML and he even commented on my new perfume in the middle of it... so hopefully, there is a good feeling association with this new smell. I'm hoping the combination of these physical things, will start to make my outside more appealing- I know that I like what I see in the mirror again

ces67 said: "And yes, I can still tell you exactly what she was wearing the day i "noticed" her for the first time, but it was who she was that I fell in love with. Still hoping to see her again someday."
I can still remember what I was wearing and what my H was wearing the day I met him (I actually ran him over when I was running late to a class, not with my car but myself... I made quite the first impression!) I've actually tried to figure out if I could re-create that initial 'shock' of our first meeting. I had long blonde hair... 2 pregnancies have turned it dark red- go figure to make it blonde again, would definitely catch hi eye because it would be so drastic, but I can't afford the up-keep on a dramatic change... so I'm trying to find another way to 'shock' him again.

BF said: "(can't believe how much weight crept up over the years.. especially when i look at pregnancy photos.. ugh!). everyone else has commented but not my H. i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and thought.. wow! i HAVE lost a lot of weight! your H may not say it to you but you can bet he's noticing and probably checking you out too."
My metabolism shut off completely after baby #1. I weighed the same as the day I gave birth for 4 years straight- no gain, no loss regardless of what I did or ate... so I had kind of become complacent and accepted that was just the way I would look.... but I lost my confidence.
BF also said:"your H is right in some ways. when you become more more confident about yourself and realize how beautiful you are (without his acknowledging), it will radiate outwards and people can't help but to see you differently. so how do we get you there?"
I want to get back to the confident person I was when we met (this sounds conceded) but people used to *want* to get to know me. My looks got me in the door, and I stayed there because of my humor and witty comments. When the looks went away, I didn't know how to interact with people, I became a wall flower- and that's not fair to my H because he fell in love with an outgoing, people-person like him. I know my insecurities were frustrating for him because I never wanted to go out. I'm slowly pulling away from the wall and thinking that I'm 'attractive' again... hopefully more of this will change his view of me as well.

Bklyn said: "A few months after my H dropped the bomb I bought myself some sexy underwear. I had lost 20 lbs so I needed and thought even if I am the only one that knows I am wearing sexy panties sometimes that confidence shines through."
This made me giggle, because I did the same thing with my bras. I noticed that I had fallen victim to the 'get something neutral so you can wear it under any color shirt' bra... so I went out a got some with lace, flowers and bright colors. I've noticed that I feel sexier just knowing that I have sparkles under my shirt I'm sure that if H ever sees them in the laundry or peeking out under a tank-top, he'll think that I got them for another M... maybe that will peak his interest?

Hi Purg -

It is so good to see that you are smiling a bit. You are doing more than awesome! Keep your spirits up and the GALng.

For me, when the bomb dropped, within a matter of 2 months, I lost 25 pounds. And going dark just helped increased my own personal confidence.

Thanking of you.

DU