Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Magic Wand

This is a good suggestion. Maybe I could even bring it up to ask.



Yes, and again I don't know why. Our relationship isn't like that at all. We are very much partners.



Yes, I think you are correct. Very correct. I hadn't really looked at both sides of that.



In many ways she always tries to do things that please me (other than physically). This hasn't been one of them for the most part.

She does try!

Kind of a conflict there. She really tries to be a good wife. Taking care of me in many ways. And there seems to be no conflict in her when she is doing these things. She takes pride in doing them. It seems to be separate from her actual disdain for "being a good wife".



Don't know. No reaction. But she should be a poker player.



For me, most of the time. I realize that I need to break the pattern we've had forever of push pull.


I've noticed lately little angry outbursts. Maybe I noticed them less before or maybe they are new.

Today was about a leaky shower. The shower above her office sometimes leaks. I pulled it out and fixed the leak around the shower but there seems to be a leak in the plumbing also. Some time ago she said it was leaking and I was trying to explain to her that the actual seal around the shower was fixed and something else was wrong but she took it as I didn't believe her that the shower was leaking. She's been pissed about it several times.

Today it came up and she was pissed again. "The same leak you din't believe me about" Obviously holding onto this for a long time.

I never did not believe her about the leak itself.

So really it's a matter of her perception that I was discounting her statement. Which this theme may come up often. I'll watch for it.

Maybe I need to say something explaining the leak.

Thank you for your questions. They make me think.

So I'm a workaholic. It is easy for me to bury myself in work to avoid the outside world. I've dealt with this in the past and have made changes but I can be prone to just working and not taking any time to do anything else.

Since we were very hard hit by the economy I've done a lot of that. Worked continuously. But it has been a necessity not a place to hide. But I can see a horizon to this. It's coming.

Today at my wife's insistence I took the day off. Drove the convertible on a nice mountain drive. Hit the hot springs, saw a band. Spent a little time in Tahoe.

I got back late and for some reason I was a bit anxious and expecting the other shoe to drop. It didn't and I don't think it will. It was just a weird feeling.

It was probably a remnant from feelings from a phone call yesterday. BIL called (which means he must have just found out we are separated) to tell me "anything I need". I've often had the feeling about him that he just really likes to say that but his follow through would be insincere. Just my feeling, don't know if it's true. Anyway one things for sure. I hate (HATE) pity, condolences, or whatever it is. Nearly sends me into a rage. Not sure why. Just does. So much that I avoid the people that will offer a shoulder. Hate it. Cut them out of my life type of avoid. Even though they really care for me. W has stated and it's probably true MIL and FIL like me better than her and want to do whatever they can for me. But I won't see them. Can't take the pity.

So I got back late thinking W would stay tonight (one car now). She didn't. She rushed off. She's making a point.

Totally weird sitch still. She says if she could fix things and be in love with me she would. Says we're best friends (we are) and good together in every way (almost). I don't know.

So I guess my goal is to figure out how to keep working extremely hard to pull the financial pressure off but GAL big also. Tough one.

Just a note, this seems to be a zig zag. Friday she seemed almost affectionate. Nice kisses anyway. Today not. My perception is she feels herself getting close to me and when she feels it she pulls back. Maybe it's my imagination but I don't think so.

In a couple of weeks it will be 7 years since we were intimate. What a long haul it's been.

Crap. I know I shouldn't snoop but I did.
There's at least an EA going on.
Secret email address and way to many visits to an old BF's FB page.
I knew she was protecting her laptop way too much.

Since I've never really considered this situation I don't know what to do right now. Breathe and no drastic moves I guess.
Have to play it cool for the next few hours til work is out and she leaves.

Feels horrible to find out I cannot trust my wife. This changes everything

Profanity inserted here

Time for me to switch forums. I'll be over in the infidelity forum

Just cross posting my new address.
I'm now here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2174210#Post2174210

Well I now feel I should actually be in this forum.
I'm pretty certain there was not actually an affair but there probably was a lot of "looking around" on the web.

Over the last few weeks she has casually thrown into conversation the fact that she had that secret email account. Passed it off as something she needed for this or that.

She mentioned it again today and had pretty good reasons for having it. Reasons I have taught her in the past for internet marketing purposes.

So anyway. I haven't posted in awhile. Been reading here once in awhile but mostly into my routine. Training hard as I'm getting closer to my test time. I'm enjoying my time alone a lot. I've also really noticed my responses to her a far diferent. I don't accommodate her any longer. We get along great and spend quality time together. We do enjoy being together. That's obvious. But I don't buy into her s... If she's in a bad mood I call her on it. She always responds by laughing a bit and saying she doesn't know why she's so b.....y. Most of the time anyway. Sometimes if I know she's really tired I just let her be and when that happens she just kisses me goodnight and leaves.

But tonight I observed something very intereting.

I had bid a job a few weeks ago. I've been going around with it and I know I've been way underbid but my level of expertise is way beyond those bidding against me. I recieven an email saying I could have the job if I dropped my price 1k to match the next highest bidder.

I really needed this job. Times are tight.

I told my W and she got furious. She said tell them hell no.

From my perspective I thought "Why you ungrateful b..."

I told her she should be grateful and I was taking it. We needed it and even though it was less than I wanted I felt I had to take it and couldn't risk saying no.

So a few minutes later she came upstairs and said she wasn't being ungrateful. She was very grateful for the job. But she was pissed that people didn't want to pay me what I was worth. At that moment I got it.

I have a lot of knowledge and skills. My knowledge runs very wide in many areas but in a few very specialized areas my knowledge runs very deep. In one of my specialties there are only a couple people in the world with skills that match or surpass my own. But those skills don't always get recognized. To me, mostly it's no big deal. But I just figured out to her it is.

So here I was thinking she was being a b... and what she really wanted was for people to recognize me. This is an interesting point. I've built several businesses up in the past. Businesses that were totally new concepts. But in each of those cases I had a partner rip me off. That has left us broke. So in this broke state I guess I don't get a lot of recognition and being broke is very hard on both of us and the M as well.

I think this is really interesting and very loving in a way. She sees in me something no one else does and it really really frustrates her.

That to me is something amazing.

Another observation.

I seem to be far happier and more productive. Didn't realize how accommodating I was. I would create my day around hers. Now I don't do that even when she is around. I hang out with her and stuff but it doesn't interfere with my day or my plans so much.

I also notice that she seems less and less happy. She's sleeping a lot and moody. She blames it on being so tired from all the exercise lately but I'm not so sure.

Huh-

There is no need to keep changing forums. Just choose the one in which you feel most comfortable.

Is she less happy in reaction to your not creating your day around hers?

Besides work, what else are you doing?

db,

I'm most comfortable here and hopefully that's not a case of me ignoring the elephant in the room. I don't think it is.

Is she happier when I don't revolve around her?

Yes. The answer is most certainly yes.

Although I realized all too much tonight how hard it is for me. Sometimes I do well at it and other times my habits want to take over. Tonight was the perfect example. We were both working late. I came down to tell her I was going to take off to go work out. I asked her if she was hungry partially out of habit but expecting her to say no she pick up something later. Well she wanted for us to go get a pizza. I didn't want to change my plans for her so I went and worked out but told her I'd do a quick workout and come back. So when working out I was overly aware of the time and was really realizing how my every fiber wanted to go back and accommodate. yeck.

So I'm actually not very good at it at all. This might be (is) something to work on.

So we ended up going to dinner and she stayed around pretty late. More and more of that lately. But perhaps I should not be available all the time. Tough for me to do though. I don't really have any close friends to hang out with in this small town.

What am I doing other than work? Working out. I'll be testing for a 4th degree in kung fu in about 10 days. So I workout twice a day and once I add in my fast paced work schedule and then taking care of the household my day is done. In a few weeks I can maybe alter that schedule but right now I really can't.

Good luck on your test... Although I'm guessing you don't need luck...

Just caught up on your sitch...

It is interesting about your W's revelation to you as to WHY she felt you should say no to the offer... And like you, my initial response would have been to take the job...

But for me... and perhaps for you... the "respect and recognition" doesn't come through money... rather, it comes from the acknowledgement by the client that they really do want you to do the job...

I was head hunted by Google, once... about 6 years ago... I didn't end up working for them due to family choice... but it felt good... and I'm still sometimes recognized for work I've done almost 15 years ago... the money would be nice, but words of affirmation are more my LL...

But like you, I've become more aware that perhaps focusing less on the stroking and more on the money could go a long way... people DO come to me because of recognition of my skill... I just really suck at the negotiation... when someone tells me they have X dollars for a project... I take them at their word... I need to practice my negotiation skills... it's hard to do when money stresses are high...

Are you indicating that you're noticing a change in your W's behaviour, which might coincide with your reduced, accommodation behaviour?

Regarding the elephant in the room (EA/PA) are you saying you're starting to believe that the elephant might not exist? I'll touch more on this on my thread because of something you posted there... but do want to know if you feel the elephant is still there, or not...