Hi there. I found this site when I Google searched "deployed spouse cheating". Since reading that thread with gusto, I've been all over these boards. I will hope you might take the time to read my scenario and offer valuable insight. I am sorry if the post will be long, but I figured getting all the facts here important.
My spouse and I have been together a year and a half. He is 34 and I 40. No children. Him divorced. Me never married. Our relationship was pretty magical. Our lives connected like nothing I'd ever experienced. We continued pretty quickly and moved in together after 5 months of dating. Things continued to go very well. We were joined at the hip so to speak.
He is in the army and traveled a lot with his particular position. One night just after he had left to go away for training, I signed into my Facebook. He was still signed in under his account. I then took a look around his page and looked at his messages. He had a message from a girl who was thanking him for all the advice he had given her and gave her well wishes that he had a good time with the girl that he was talking to at the end of the bar when he left. I responded to her telling her that I was my SO's spouse and asked if she could please clarify. She said that SO had told her all about himself, and that he had told her he was single. The girl at the end of the bar seemed sweet at him and it seemed like they might get together.
I confront him about this on the phone and he swears up and down it was nothing. He for the first few days apologises profusely. Admits it seems bad but swears he doesn't remember telling anyone he was single. He then admits that he did but says it was because he just craved the attention. He tells me he will do whatever it takes to restore trust. Including giving me passwords, MC, etc.
Well my SO was leaving for Afghanistan shortly after this and we didn't really have a lot of time to work on it. He tried though and that is what counted to me at the time. During this time, we got engaged shortly before he left and this really helped me as it gave me reassurance that he really loved me.
He left for A-Stan in mid June and things were a great as they could be in our circumstances. He contacted me every chance he got (he gets his own room and internet in his position there) and we made videos for each other and posted to our mutual Youtube station. He told me he couldn't wait to marry me. That he couldn't wait to try and have a child with me. Etc. He even suggested that on a trip where we were going to meet up on in Oct for his leave, that we should start trying for a baby then.
About a month or two go by and things with him cool. He doesn't contact me as much and actually tells me he doesn't need it and is happy with once every three days or once a week. This from the guy who used to check in with me every couple of hours just to say I love you. I find this very hard and when we do talk it starts becoming a constant fight. Stuff I could have helped but a lot him being really testy for no reason.
I thought that the trip in Oct would really help us reconnect. Boy was I wrong. The man who stepped off the plane barely seemed to really miss me at all (he had seemed to miss me more at the end of an average workday than he did on this occasion!) Aside from our first night together he didn't want to ML to me at all. He was mean. Gruff. And not at all the person that walked out the door in June. So since he was picking fights, and I fought back, our backs were so up that we fought constantly. Either him or me the instigator. He got drunk and left me in the middle of downtown Bangkok. He said mean and horrible things to me. He told me he didn't like who I was a person anymore and that he hoped things would change when he got home.
One our second last day in Thailand I took him to the beach at sunset. I told him that I didn't want the relationship the way that it was at the time. That I didn't want to give up or break up, but that the wedding was off (scheduled for April 2012) and that we really needed to work on us for a while. He agreed to this and said he was so happy that we could break up so amicably. Not what I wanted to hear but anyways.
I come home to Canada and him A-Stan. He doesn't talk to me for almost two weeks. When he finally does he says that I ruined Thailand for him and that it was all my fault. That he didn't see a flame between us, but a small spark. That I killed what was left. And he said he would only be able to see if he wanted to stay together once he got home.
A few days after that contact I was checking an email account I rarely use. I had a mess from a dating site that I had joined long before SO and I got together. It was just a reminder email saying I had new system generated matches. I decided to sign on. Guess who my 100% match was? Yep. My very own fiance. Complete with photos I took of him in Thailand. I confront him about this. He says he wanted positive female attention and kind of gave me hell about it. He wasn't at all apologetic and just retorted with the fact that I was stupid to think anything of it as the girls on there were all "nutjobs" or were a million miles away. He said he would delete it. So I decided to let it slide. We were in a bad place at the time and I guess I tried to understand he would need affection of some sort. Well after I stopped conversing with him about it, I went back on the site and found his profile. I clicked 'organise profiles by sign up date'; this told me he had signed up in late Aug/early Sept. Not good. Then I put his user name from this site into Google and found him on another site. I let this slide for the time being and never let on I knew all this. The next day he deletes that one first profile I found.
So I start doing some DBing, detaching, not being as available. Making what conversations we did have light and never discussing the R unless I had too. But he was so cold. He never said he missed me. Loved me. Nothing. I really started to feel empty inside and wondered if he was just playing me so that I wouldn't leave him stuck with no one to take care of his finances and the house, dog, etc. until he got back. So I asked him pretty outright in an email. (wrong I know) and he was pretty vague. Said he couldn't say anything but to have faith in him and US.
A week or so goes by and I notice his Skype friend list goes up by two members. This guy hates the internet and hates Skype. Hmmm. So I sign in as him and find two strange women that are my age. One from Canada and one from French Polynesia. I email him and just ask why his count has gone up (I didn't specify how many or where they were from) he tells me he added one lady who was an 80 year old grand mother from the Legion in Canada who writes deployed soldiers over the holidays for morale boosting. I ask him where she is from and he says Montreal. The he says she is vacationing in the French Polynesia, then he says that she travels between Canada and French Polynesia for work. Um..... right. So I let this slide too and don't really get mad or accuse him of bsing.
A week goes by and no contact from him. Christmas comes and goes. I send him an email on boxing day asking if he opened his card that I put in a carepackage that he had already gotten (I put 'do not open until Dec 25 on the card) as this card contained a photo of the boxing equipment I bought for him. He never answers.
A few days after I get home from a family visit and decide to sign into his Skype to yep... snoop. He has an invite from a girl saying "P baby, add me!!! Muah...xxxxx" I look this girl up and it turns out she is a worker at the same camp he works at in A-Stan. This time I don't mince words in an email to him. I wrote her name and what she said on his Skype and couldn't come up with any circumstances why a salutation such as that is appropriate or innocent between coworkers. I also told him that just in case she didn't know about me she did now and that I had contacted her (which I did on FB.. I just introduced myself)
He writes me back a day later and freaks out. Never onces denies the woman or the A. He tells me he never wants to see my Fing face again. That he is through being checked up on and if I want to leave his house, his dog etc. That he'd be happy if I was gone when he got back. He finished off by saying he didn't love me. He didn't miss me and that the only person who cared about the other in this R was me.
Now.. I don't want a spouse I cannot trust. I don't like snooping. I can see why he is mad about it but it would seem to me like he is mostly mad because I've ousted him. If there was nothing to find, we wouldn't have even had that conversation.
Call me crazy but I love him and don't want this to end. But I meant what I said in Thailand. I don't want a relationship with the man who he is now. I want my old SO back. Where did he go?
I just realized that many of you will probably disregard me as I am not yet married. But I ask of you to please reconsider if this is the case.
Living together, taking care of an entire house hold for almost nine months for both of us, and our age an maturity I hope counts for something. This site had info that seemed to much better relate to my situation than any of the "I want my boyfriend back" sites.
Today is such a bad day. I woke up with the crushing sadness of knowing that even once he comes home, even once he gets back, I still don't have him.
My dreams of our happy reunion are gone.
I remember when he first deployed I was worried sick every night something awful would take him away from me and I'd never get to hold him in my arms again. Now that has come true but no one took him away.
I'm trying to only contact him if he contacts me. Which I've done but today is hard. I've hovered over his email address many times already today.
Also, I am wondering if any of you have experience with no discussion/confirmation of OW/OM? He won't admit it to me. But I saw proof. He probably doesn't want to admit it as it can get him in trouble with the Army.
But I am sure this is how he can go to so easily throwing away what we have and wanting it to be over the moment he gets back.
I think before, after Thailand, thats why he was keeping me afloat with the "lets see how it is when I get home" because he wasn't sure. Now with OW it makes sense that he'd want me out of his life ASAP and for sure.
God I need help!
Or do you guys think since we weren't married that I should cut my losses and move on?
Does that piece of paper matter to what effort you put in to keeping a relationship alive?
I don't get it. I know that all posts are moderated on here but I see lots of new posts in the section popping up yet mine have yet to be posted. How does this all work?
Sorry if I seem so ..., needy, I just really need some advice here.
Oh my gosh... me again... and since there is a delay as I am a newbie user, I can't even tell if I have responses. I am very sorry if it seems like I am babbling on!
I have a question:
SO is still deployed. His Visa expired in Dec 11. He has an automatic payment that comes off of it montly for a storage locker where he stores his truck. I reminded this to him at the beginning of Dec. I gave him the international number he was to call from to activate the new Visa which came in the mail for him. I was then to call the storage company to give the updated info.
I reminded him once before Christmas. Then when he didn't contact me for Christmas and our huge rupture happened on Dec 27, it fell by the wayside. On the 28th I sent him a mess telling him that if he hadn't activated the card to let me know so I could put the storage charge on my Visa and I would then take the cash out of his account to reimburse me. He finally answers and says "yes please, just do that"
Then today, I called the company and made the change. I sent him a quick email letting him know the change had been made and that I would be withdrawling the cash from his account tonight.
He writes back: Thank you Oneeleven for all that you do for me
My question: Should I be doing a 180 here? Should I have let him fall on his face - credit wise since he dropped the ball? Ugg.. I need advice! lol
I have two more months of this. Although, I don't see many more opps like the storage one to present itself where he will "need" me.
All the stuff I do for him, he doesn't see from there. Like...
Shoveling the drive way Keeping everything ship shape in the house Paying his bills Showing his doggie love
