Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Together since we were 15.

Thank you so much for the responses!

Km2ct, there's no OW. I still check the phone records. I know I need to stop doing that. He'd also not be acting so lonely and want to be around me so much if there was somebody else. He fishes around to find out if I've been hit on much, etc. I don't play the game with him.

Sad_but_Happy, I know a big part of him worries that he's the reason I didn't have my own life. He's hurt that I'm motivated to change once he's gone. I guess I fear that if I ignore R talk and treat him just like a friend when he's opening up to me and flirting with me, he will think that I really am better off without him We have had our (major issues), but I know without a doubt that our R is worth saving.

It's so confusing. I want him to fall in love with me again. In a way it seems like flirting and doing other things that you do when you're first interested in someone would be a right move here. No?

"It's so confusing. I want him to fall in love with me again. In a way it seems like flirting and doing other things that you do when you're first interested in someone would be a right move here. No?"


He does not what this from you right now. And IMHO, he is not flirting with you, her is testing you... Checking to see your reactions based on the strings he pulls.


Now, I could be wrong as I don't know you or him. But there is one thing I know for sure... He left!


So the olny thing you can do is live for you.

He seems to get pretty emotional around me. He still mentions that he can't sleep and doesn't eat much. He has said that he cries whenever he drives away after meeting to switch the kids. He often gets choked up when talking to me.

Jenna,

I was actually thinking that I hadn't seen you post in a while... I guess I just kept missing it.

In reagards to your H's strange interactions, I'm inclined to believe SBH. I too think that your H is playing you like a puppet- just because he *can*. Your job is to make sure that he *can't*. Much easier said than done- trust me. I am struggling to detach from my H- and it's extra hard cause he still lives in our house.

I hear a lot of desperation in your posts. I'm still new to this DB thing too and I was as desperate as you were in the beginning.... in some ways I still am. BUT the change I've noticed, is that I don't cry every time I think about our break-up, I don't cry with every song on the radio (although I think they are all out to get me!) and I'm starting to not analyze every word/action from my H. I don't know if these are the first steps towards detaching, but I know that I can function better.

I am super proud of you for going back to school. Stop beating yourself up about shoulda/coulda/woulda when you were still together. The fact is- you are doing it *now* and that is something to be proud of yourself for. In regards to him thinking that he's the reason why you couldn't do it before- let him think what he wants, but don't let it shape what you think about it (that's pat of the detaching).

I also agree with SBH that you H has pushed the limits of your current R. He said he wants out. He moved out. He shouldn't get to talk to you about sex. He's kinda being a cake eater in the sense that he is in control of y'alls interactions and by you going along with certain topics of conversations and/or going somewhere when he asks you to- you are teaching him that he can pull on your strings whenever *he* feels like it... the underlying message being sent from him is that he gets to do whatever makes *him* feel good (SELFISH). His actions and almost teasing interactions, aren't considering your feelings at all.
You job is to teach him how to interact with you. If you keep making yourself available, he will keep taking advantage of it. You need to teach him what 'being alone' really feels like.... only then will he truly know if leaving is what he wants. Why should he come back now? He gets to see/talk to you whenever he wants and he gets to touch you and flirt/tease you too... but he doesn't live with his family and have to deal with the everyday, ugly, hard realities about being married. Aside from the lack of intimacies, what H wouldn't choose this?

I don't want to seem harsh- in fact, most of this I say because I need to take my own advice. My H dropped the bomb and then said that he was ok with hugs, kisses and sleeping in the same bed... this lasted for 3 days until our MC made him see that he was being selfish and his actions need to match his words in order for me to be able to start to heal. Because my H cares about me, he did just that. Now, don't get me wrong- it felt like the world stopped spinning and I didn't know what to do with myself. BUT- it made it easier to start to accept what was happening and start to heal myself.

It will get easier (or so they say) don't know when, don't know how- but the first steps have to come from you. Going back to school is a huge step in that direction. It will give you something to focus your energies on as well as meeting new people (doesn't have to be romantic, just expand your circle of friends).

Keep posting, even if you don't get a response right away, we'll find you

Thank you for that, purgatory. Ahhh, I swear I *knew* all of that already, but it's like I forget it and make up my own strategies that aren't effective simply because it means I can be closer to him. Time to find that strength inside of me again.

He is totally being a cake eater. I don't think he's *trying* to play me like a fiddle, as he's been even more tearful in front of me as I have been in front of him throughout this so far (and the tears are genuine), but I know that he shouldn't be able to have me on the sidelines.

I'm anxious to know how things will be between us in a few months when I'm settled into my crazy school/work schedule and he may have his own place.

I'm having such a hard night. The kids and I are staying the night at my grandparents' house an hour from home. Ex and my grandparents were very close. I remember the first time he met them. It was our first Thanksgiving together. He was 17 and we had been together 9 months. Being here without him is unreal. My grandparents are angry and confused by what he's done. All night, without consciously meaning to, I imagined ex here with us. What he'd be doing and saying. I'm in disbelief that there's an empty spot in the bed beside me right now.

I so badly want to call ex I haven't felt that urge like this in a while now. I want to hear his voice. I want this to just be a nightmare that I wake up from. This is going to be a night that I cry myself to sleep.

I had been doing better. The past few days have felt so incredibly raw

Great post, Pur!

Oh man. Please help.

Yesterday when he came to get the kids, he was making positive comments about all of my changes (big ones like going to school, and smaller ones like catching me dancing while sweeping the floor). We were flirting. I flirted right back. Not in a needy way. More in a spicy way, if that makes sense. While the kids were preoccupied, we started kissing. Right before we kissed, he asked me softly if I'd kissed anyone else yet, because he hadn't. Of course I haven't. He pulled back after a minute and said, "It's so hard to not care about you." I asked him if he meant it's hard to accept that he doesn't care about me, and he said no, that he meant he does care about me and that makes this hard. He feels love for me when we're close. We started messing around in the laundry room with the door shut. Just making out and touching. He stopped, looked me straight in the eye and said, "God I miss you." After a few minutes, I went outside to sit on the bench on my patio to get some fresh air and enjoy the uncharacteristically warm weather. He sat next to me, and when we went inside, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I missed him, then asked him what he was thinking. He said he missed me, too. Then he held my hand and pulled me into the kitchen, where he opened up to me. He said, "I know this separation is good for us, but I miss you so much, and look at how far you've come already." I told him to bring a bottle of wine with him when he dropped the kids off that night.

I was jumping for joy when they left! He trusted me enough to tell me something like that? That's huge, IMO. He brought the wine last night, and we were having such a good time that he ended up going out and getting us pizza. We ate and had wine and laughed and kissed. That devolved into us having sex. It was the most amazing sex we'd ever had. It would have been so much better if we'd said 'I love you' during, but I know we were both thinking it. We fell asleep in each other's arms. I was so shocked that he stayed the night. Not only that, but he cuddled me all night. It felt like a dream come true.

I woke him up at 5:30 so we could talk before the kids woke up. I asked him what we were doing. He said we were hanging out, remembering the good times. My heart dropped. I stupidly had expectations that he would be coming home because he stayed the night. He said calmly that that was a bit naive of me. It probably was. He said I can't expect him to come running back. That's how he phrases it. Running back. I told him I don't see it that way at all. I told him he sees that we could be amazing together now. He agreed. He even admitted that he is in fact still in love with me (!!!!). But he said we owe it to ourselves to have this time apart and grow as individuals. He said he doesn't know himself, and that came as a shock to him after he left because he felt confident in himself while we were together. I told him we could still grow as individuals while together. I know, I was pushing. He said we just need this time apart. I asked if we could remain separated but not see other people. He said we shouldn't put limitations on a growth period because it would defeat the purpose. He also said he isn't sure if it's repressed anger causing this feeling, but he said he still doesn't want to marry me He acknowledges that he's always been kind of against marriage. He said he thought I'd feel like an exception, though. That really hurts. He's in love with me, but is unsure about a future with me still.

It sounds like he's putting us to the test. He said, "We don't know what the future will bring, but it may well end up with us back together." That was a big thing for him to say.

My head is spinning. He said it felt so great to be with me, that he's so proud of me, and that he didn't expect to miss me this much. I feel more hopeful because he admitted to being in love with me, but I'm hurt about the marriage thing. He said he feels lost and needs to find his own happiness. I'm just so sad because I feel he could do that while we're together. It's like I'm feeling like he's just within arm's reach. I asked him if any part of him wants to come home. He said, "Yes. It's not something I don't think about. It's not far from my mind."

What should I do? I'm not sure if typical DBing would work for my situation. He misses me more while he's with me and experiences the changes in me (yes, even the way I've opened up to him sexually). I know we won't be sleeping together/kissing regularly.

I just don't know. It seems like now this separation is more to figure himself out now, because he's said he knows my changes are for real and that we'd be great together. I think seeing my changes has driven home for him the fact that he has things to change. He said he has a lot of anger (not completely about me) to let go if. He has to forgive.

I feel hopeless in a way. This isn't about me having to prove to myself and to him that I'm worthy of being his partner and having my own life/happiness. He gets that, and he still isn't coming back. This is about him finding himself. Who knows how long that will take, and who knows who he could meet in the meantime It feels so right for him to be here. So incredibly right.

I hate to be harsh Jenna... Because I know the pain.

BUT HE IS CAKE EATING... He has you ANY time he wants. He has you in ANY position he wants.

He is disrespecting you. You give your body and he tells you, "there are no restrictions on a growth period"?

WHAT A LINE!!! IT'S ABSOLUTE CRAP. SOMETHING A MAN SAYS TO GET HIS WAY!!!

Jenna, you have so much power IF you can gain the strength to RESPECT YOURSELF and TELL HIM NO!!!

NO KISSING!!!

NO TOUCHING!!!

NO SEX!!!

If you back off. If you tell him no. If you set boundaries If you respect yourself, he will probably come running.


But here is the very harsh reality...

If you don't back off, you will have NO CHANCE!!!


Good luck Jenna. I feel for you and will pray you gain the strength...

((J))

I feel he's being sincere. I really do. Ahhh, this is so hard! I love him so very much