Well a few hours left to the worst year of my life. I have never experienced so much loss in such brief period of time. M, father, dog, friends ,neigbhors inlaws you name it. Life changed in a second, unreal.
Rick, I know you have had a rough year.
I too, was feeling bad today looking back, for similar reasons. We lost 3 family members in 20 months, another now has autoimmune liver failure, (age 30) and 2 close friends died or were killed in the past 5 months including one in the Army who served with us before...
Our finances have taken some big hits, most of which were based on factors outside our control OR made with the information we had at the time...
My husband's Reserve unit is getting deployed to the middle east. This is a huge surprise for us as his unit has never been deployed before.
His paycut will be VERY significant. Unless my pay triples, literally, I doubt we'll be able to keep our house even though we've lived here for years.
I'm looking to get better paying work but I quit a well paying job to care for mil dying of cancer (she died in the spring), so my pay now is much less.
But we thought, "not to worry, h is an MD and makes a solidly good living".
We didn't know about the deployment or how much his pay would plummet if he were deployed. In hindsight, perhaps We should have known, given that we are veterans. We knew Congress passed a law to match lost income for activated reservists, so we thought we were fine. But they write poorly drafted laws a lot- so unbeknownst to us, the law does not apply to us... We do not get to know how long he'll be gone so I don't know how long our savings will last but I admit it bothers me that we have to DIP with a shovel, into our savings at all...we'll likely lose those and that's being realistic.
So I could AND HAVE argued that "thanks to being patriotic and caring family members, and debt payers, we are being screwed". I began to get really down about that. I am ashamed to say I felt bitter and was a bit of a martyr...
Then I recalled the night I was hospitalized while pregnant w/d1. It was decades ago and I was sick w/pneumonia, felt miserable and worried and sad.
I stared out the window at a full moon that night.
I began to wonder about other pregnant women in the world, who were seeing that same full moon that night...I got really detailed about what THEY were likely going through... Some of them were probably hiding from enemies, or wondering if their h's were coming home that night or that week or ever.
Some of those women lacked shelter, or their shelter was cardboard or metal and can't withstand rain or strong wind. There would be no epidural for those women; they'd be lucky to have medical help in their delivery at all...
So it hit me that if you really really truly want to see something so UNFAIR--go to AFRICA or most of the 3rd world.
Rick, you and your children are all healthy as am I and mine.
You are employed. Let's not forget that. Let's REMEMBER that:
There's food in our refrigerator (we have refrigerators & indoor plumbing and electricty!!) and they will be there tomorrow!
We are living in a country where we are free to work where we want, and free to worship as we wish or not at all.
We are free to criticize our governments or vote them out.
No one is forcing our sons to join their rebel armies or raping our ds
or shooting at us or hacking at us b/c we don't belong to the "right" tribe.
We vote when we want for whom we wish...we are truly free.
All this^^^^, and more
makes us luckier than 95% of the earth's population...
So IF my h comes home from Afghanistan at all, let alone unharmed, and if all we lose is our home,
we're better off than thousands of other military families...and most people on the planet.
You too, Rick, you too....when you remember all this^^^
you will have a blessed new year.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry for what you are going through 25. Is there anything u can do to keep the house? Can H ask for an extension to stay due to finances?
You know I see people's misery on a daily basis and I know how lucky I have been. I know I will be ok even after D. W is not changing her mind or showing any ambivalence about it so I am getting ready. Got new tires and buying fStuff or a new place this way it can be paid off while I have the money.
Happy New Year everyone
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Noticed that W has been drinking more than her usual. I don't know if I did the right thing but everyone has been urging me to tell my D my side. After dinner on Saturday I called her and she sat with us. I told her that I was very sorry but that I did not wanted what was happening. I said she needed to hear from the both of us. W had already spoken to her. I was too sad to even talk to her about it. My W was upset and said that I was not being fair.I was calm and polite my D was visibly upset. Went into her room and hung out and talked. She said I am still a great dad. Hopefully I did not make a mistake. I have not said anything bad about her mother and really don't have an urge.
One thing that is happening is that I think I am detaching. W continues with her schedule barn for 3 to 4 hrs and than works the rest of the time 7 days a week. Guess she has been a WAS for almost 3 years now.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
"Noticed that W has been drinking more than her usual. I don't know if I did the right thing but everyone has been urging me to tell my D my side. After dinner on Saturday I called her and she sat with us. I told her that I was very sorry but that I did not wanted what was happening. I said she needed to hear from the both of us. W had already spoken to her. I was too sad to even talk to her about it. My W was upset and said that I was not being fair.I was calm and polite my D was visibly upset. Went into her room and hung out and talked. She said I am still a great dad. Hopefully I did not make a mistake. I have not said anything bad about her mother and really don't have an urge."
Where to start...
So your W has been drinking more than usual. Did you talk to your D with your W, while she was drunk?
Who is "everyone" when you talk about being urged to tell your D your side? Unless I'm mistaken, I don't recall seeing posters here encouraging you to do this.
Was it friends and family? If so, don't you remember that they just want you to stop hurting and they think they are doing what is best but it really may be doing the opposite.
Your W was upset and said you weren't being fair? About what? Was there any score settling going on in this discussion?
So it must feel good to know that your D still thinks your a great dad. Did you doubt this?
You say that you don't know if you did the right thing and that you hope you didn't make a mistake. The fact that you ask that question should shed some light on how you are feeling about it. So what do you think? I'm not saying you made a mistake. Just interested in understanding your point of view on this.
It is good that you haven't said anything bad about your W to your D. Be sure to try to carry that same attitude with you in interactions with family and friends. Because, if you ever hope to R, it will be extremely hard to do if the baggage of the M has been shared with others.
In my sitch, I haven't told ANYONE that my W is having an A, that she has been tested for STD's, that she goes away on 4 day rendezvous's with OM on a fairly regular basis, etc. Very few people even know we are separated. And that will remain the case, regardless of the outcome. My W knows and I know and that is all that matters.
Hang in there Rick!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2tp it was IC my brother and a friend. I have not said anythingnegative to the family about W. Have stopped talking to them about it all together. My W has told neighbors and her family but I have said anything and they have not asked. Hard to know what the right thing is sometimes. Actually the few that know I have been honest about my behavior and how we got here.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I dont think you will have to tell your D your side, I think see will see your side. She will see that you are working to change yourself and be a better H and father, dont announce it. It will be obvious. She will then become your biggest advocate.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
