Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (1)

Actually, in this case, they were all shocked. They didn't think we should break up and thought we should be together. And I know many secretly hoped we would find our way back. The good thing is that even though apart, we remained friends. And that means more than anything.

I don't always think other's opinions matter. In the end, it all comes down to the real truth and the only ones who know that are RC and me. What my friends and family say have no bearing on what happens, but having support and someone to talk to through it all is very helpful.

These are the people that know both of us best, and if anyone can have an outside perspective (certainly not me with my head spinning), it would be them. And the smart folks here too, of course. The outsider point of view is much needed!

I tried to answer some of the questions. There were some posts I missed earlier.

I guess you can tell I've done a lot of soul-searching in the past several days. When I realized that we were spending a lot of time together, it took me back.

Thanks Andy, I would be totally selfish not to recognize that. I do love the guy and I don't want him to be miserable or unhappy.

I honestly think he is enjoying the things with me lately. I am trying my hardest to be sensitive to what he must be feeling.

The human and competitive part of me wants to win. Of course! We all want that.

Then the heart part of me sees this guy that has one of the kindest hearts I have ever seen, and I want nothing but his happiness. He deserves that.

Somewhere in the middle is a line that I need to walk. Not one that pursues, but lets go. But not too much -- since we obviously have had communication issues in the past. He may think I've given up and moved on.

Afterall, he did tell me he wants to pursue this other thing to see where it goes. I need to back off, and I think he expects that from me.

Be his friend, but not too close.

Being willing to risk it all and let him go. Knowing you want to hold on.

Sigh...what a tangled web huh? SMILE

I think I caught up on all the replies. Let me know if I missed anything. It's present wrapping time and my son just got home!

Thanks for all the input and tough questions. It's not like I didn't have a lot to think about already. Now I have even more! lol

One more post and then I REALLY have to go! SMILE

Have you ever been with someone and you felt a connection. It's like something you can't explain. You know it's there, and you don't understand it, but you know it's bigger than both of you.

For someone of faith, we find it easier to understand what that might feel like, even though the human mind cannot comprehend it. We just learn to accept it.

I could go on and on about what makes me feel what I do for RC. And I am sure I will do that here.

But regardless of what I say, or express, I could never put it into words that would make sense to me or anyone else.

It's something. A connection that we both know is there. And neither one understands it.

Sure, it's love. Of course.

But it's bigger. And I have to think that part of that is God's hand.

Without faith, life doesn't have any direction, don't you think?

Hi MAL - you're being such a good sport! Thanks for hangin around.

Yes, I've felt such a connection, that I can't explain, that's bigger than both of us. It was with the love of my life, my perfect match, my wonderful husband. Who, after almost 20 years of laundry, kids, chores, and habits, became the most annoying person on the planet and the man who hates me so much he will leave his two teenage boys to get away. You sound infatuated. It's wonderful, and it does not last long term. You're welcome to disagree, I really don't know you. But you are so sure you belong together and you want to make it happen.

You had communication problems. What have you done to learn how to do this better next time? What are you consistently doing differently that would have helped if you had only been that way back then?

You had a gap in sexual areas - that can create havoc after years of wearing at you. What do you know now that would make that different. What would you do differently? (I would suggest if you both decide to make a go of it that you should pursue counseling together - or may retrouvaille? So you can learn how to have a different and better relationship.

(Bear with me, he sounds wonderful, and so do you, but I think IF he becomes interested in pursuing another relationship with you, this is an opportunity for you to make it a better one.)

And - I'm jealous that you can sing. I hope you have a wonderful time singing all the beautiful Christmas songs this weekend!

Thanks adinva,

The perspective is helpful. I don’t feel like I’ve been writing my thoughts very well and having a hard time expressing myself. Mostly because I was rushed in trying to respond to posts.

I didn’t mean the connection from just lately, but more of the one we’ve had for 4 years. I was just trying to respond to the question on what it was that I liked in RC. And that was the best way I could describe it (for lack of time and words at the moment). Infatuation is normal in a new relationship (although this isn’t what I would consider a new R…maybe just getting to know each other all over again) and the chemicals that are flowing in the initial stages of a R, it can make us feel a lot of things. But I know that time passes and that “in love” feeling isn’t the same. I also know that R’s and M’s take a lot of work. My parents have been married for almost 60 years, and I know that it hasn’t always been easy. But they have loved and respected each other through it all. I know that today M’s that lasts that long doesn’t happen as much, but I still hold hope that it’s possible.

Do I think that RC is that 60 year guy? I won’t even pretend that I know the answer to that question. I think he is worth the effort to figure that out.

Regarding communication, it’s hard to say that I’ve been able to crack that code. The conversations we’ve had have in recent weeks have been more fun and light. I can’t say that I’ve been able to work on an R communication. But I have been open with him about some things in me that I never shared with him before. I’m also doing a much better job at listening to him and his interests. That is something I picked up on immediately and have tried to look for ways to change they pattern.

Regarding the sexual areas, I can just go back to the same answer I gave for communication. Of course I’m not talking to him about that topic in the friendship state we have, but it’s something we would need to discuss. But if we don’t have improved communication, it won’t really matter.

You have all made a lot of good points. IF (and that is a big IF) we were to get an opportunity to work on our R again, there are things we need to work through. And maybe we could make it better next time. I appreciate the input.

I know I mentioned the early morning text from RC on Friday. I have not initiated any texts for the past week.

He left Friday afternoon to take his mom to his sister’s farm in the mountains. For some reason I had a feeling that I would hear from him while he was gone.

Once they arrived, he sent me a text to say that they arrived safely. I responded that I hope they enjoyed the drive since it’s such a nice drive.

The next morning I received a text from him, just telling me what he was doing. I responded. The texts continued for a couple of hours. Then he stopped (so I stopped).
Later that night I received another text from him.

The next day (Christmas) he sent me a text to say Merry Christmas and told me he was walking around the farm. He built a fire, etc… My parents were with me and asked who texted me, and I responded RC. They told me to respond to tell him Merry Christmas and they missed him, so I did. He responded with the same. Those texts continued off and on for a couple hours. Then he stopped (so I stopped).

Later that night I got another text telling me they were leaving his niece’s house and heading back to his sister’s. A few texts back and forth. Again, when he stopped, I stopped.

Monday morning, he texted me to tell me he was leaving for the drive back. I responded to be safe. A little while longer I received a text about a great deal he received on gas. I responded. A little while after that, I got a text saying he just bought his first Christmas gift for 2012 (he buys gifts throughout the year). I responded. He said he got it at a little place we used to go to that is on the way. I asked where the place was because I can never remember when I am making that trip. A few texts. Then it stopped. A little while later, I received another text saying that this goofy song was on the radio (one we’ve been laughing about lately – played in the gym when we work out sometimes). I responded. A little while later I received another text telling me he got home safely (it is a 5 hour trip, so the texts continued off an on for the duration of his trip). The texts stopped, so I stopped.

On Tuesday (yesterday and his first day back at work) I didn’t hear anything. That falls into the pattern.

I texted him late yesterday to ask if he was going to the gym because I was going to be late. He said he’d be there. Then later said he wouldn’t be able to go – he forgot he had to take Christmas presents to his sister’s son. I didn’t respond to the text for a change. I figured there was really no response needed.

Like I said I had a feeling that I would hear from him over Christmas weekend. I just didn’t expect so many text messages.

I know that RC and I have a lot of history together, and we have been up to the farm a lot. So he would have a connection there and want to share what he was doing. I would be able to relate to it, picture it in my mind, etc… I guess he felt a need to share it all with me.

And in some ways it was like he felt the need to check in with me, to let me know when he arrived somewhere safely, or was leaving somewhere. Those would have been normal when we were in our R. I just don't know that friends do that (maybe the best of friends, but I am not even sure about that).

I am trying not to read too much into this stuff, but it does make me shake my head.

Part of me was actually a little frustrated with him, wondering why he felt the need to share it all with me. At the same time, I felt bad for him, that he seems a bit lost on where his thoughts should be. I am guessing he has a lot on his mind.

Yeah, having him think about me and want to share those things with me – it was great. Then reality sets in again and I remember that we are supposed to be friends, just friends.

My son and I are leaving this afternoon to drive up to RC’s sister’s place. We are staying with his niece, but will be spending some time with the family at the farm and at his niece’s.

I think I may have shared it in one of the earlier posts, but just in case…

The original plan was to drive up there to bring his mom back. So she could spend the week with her family and not rush back. RC had to be back at work. When she told me about it, I mentioned that I was off for a few days and would be able to drive up there. I love going up there anyway, and it gives me time to see the parents of my good friend who died earlier this year. I am still close to R’s sister and her H, and I’ve been to visit them since RC and I broke up.

So that is how it all started…Back then, when I made the offer, I didn’t know things would be the way they are with RC. It was a gesture out of the goodness of my heart, and the timing worked well. I didn’t have any expectations and it wasn’t meant to be a way to pursue RC.

Now these questions are going through my head…Am I supposed to return the same gestures and check in with him while I am gone? When I get there? What I’m doing?

I know that on the ride home with his mom, we should check in, so he’ll know his mom is okay. I just don’t know that I owe him the same texts he gave me while he was there. Most of me wants to keep my silence. If he texts me, respond (meeting him where he is at), but nothing more.

Then there is the upcoming weekend. If my suspicions are correct, and his friend is coming into town this weekend, there are some things I need to work through:
--I don’t know what time we will get back to their place on Friday. If it’s early enough, we should be there early enough. If it’s later, is there a chance that his friend could already be there? I don’t know, but it’s something I need to consider.
-- He hasn’t mentioned his friend coming this weekend, so there is still a good chance that I could walk into church Sunday morning, and his friend is sitting there with him. That is something else I need to consider.
-- I am the queen of “act as if” but I am not going to willingly put myself into situations where I have to do that.

I am trying to prepare to let go and move on, and remain friends. I need to let it play out and “what will be will be” and I feel like I need to establish some boundaries with him, if I can just figure out where they are. But I know that that text messaging stuff over the weekend can be compared to “Jedi mind tricks.” I feel like I’m moving to a better place, and then I get pulled back again. I need to get off the ride!

Okay, I’m done journaling now….it really helps to lay this out on paper – or, ummmm, on my computer screen, lol.

Mal -
Maybe you're overthinking this whole thing. Why don't you give yourself a month to just DO NOTHING - you don't have to decide anything. Just continue flirting and communicating the way you have been, and be patient. All will be revealed in time - avoid the urge to force an outcome.

Ellie