Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Feels like the bottom of 9th with 2 outs

Sorry Peter. This is something you can work on. Not just for now...but from now on. It is always applicable.

Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions.

We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse/significant others. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

Hey - I am not the one to preach to anyone about patience. But I'm going to here. It's hard, it's not emotionally rewarding much, you get your feelings hurt, you cry, you give and don't get, but it is all for a good purpose. If you really don't want to be with your W anymore - then it's OK to hit the eject button on this process. But if you still want her back, you are going to have to patiently and lovingly let her run her course through whatever she is going through. I am finding that is what I am having to do, and it stinks because it is not on my schedule and there is no instant gratification. As they say in football, this is truly a game of inches.

Hang in there, Peter. If you WANT to.

Crimson

Pete,

I always stress patience, but I can sympathize with not wanting to feel like a doormat time and time again. Your feel your W has responsibilities especially considering your children, and her doing her self-destructive habits isn't helping.

If you are indeed truly done, you need to make it so that this doesn't hurt you or cause you to lose what you've worked towards.

Now, I'm no legal wizard, but the fact that your W has done so much wrong, is a cronic drinker and has emotionally checked out should give you things to consider. If she has filed, you're sitting on a wealth of ammunition to have some things swing in your favor, for yourself and your children. I'm not saying go in with guns blazing, but what I am saying is this: If you are truly done with the marriage, take steps to secure your needs and rights as a father. You didn't want to feel like a doormat during the M, you especially don't want to feel like one if you and your W go your separate ways.

Just food for thought.

Thanks everyone - I'm pretty done, I don't feel I have the energy or strength anymore - last night I was really concerned about her, did she have an accident, did she get arrested. I left numerous text and VM's just asking for confirmation she was ok.

W has not filed - she has said she would do so after the holidays. Not sure what I have to swing in my favor - realistically she'll get custody - I could not do it with my job and the fact I have no family locally and that she's been mainly a SAHM for the last 10 years. With a child with CP it would be tough to hold down a full-time job, keep all doctors appts etc. I'd like to keep this amicable so I am not forced to be an every other weekend dad.

Re Child Support - she'll get the state formula (25% of my gross salary) - re: Spousal Support - could be anything from nothing (v.unlikely), $1k a month for 6 years (possible) to $2k a month for life (possible).

Doesn't leave much to build a home for when they come to stay with me.

We went to lunch at a restaurant today - really hit home how hard it would be to look after both girls on my own - especially if they are acting up a little.

NYCPeter,

You've been at this for a long time and have truly ridden the roller coaster. When I started following your sitch you were convinced that W would never have an affair, then you learned she did and went through all the emotions that so many of us have been through.

If you decide you're done, no one would blame you. I just hope you can look back at this experience and feel comfortable knowing that you gave it your best and did what you could to try to save the marriage. That's all your daughters or anyone else could expect of you.

If you are truly ready to be done, some options open up to you -- you can try the "Last Resort Technique", you can try an ultimatum. You can stop being accomodating and start setting boundaries. To some degree, being ready to walk is liberating.

Good luck to you.

Accuray

NYCPeter,

I haven't commented on your sitch much, if at all, but I have followed along since the beginning. First of all, I commend you for being an excellent father to your girls, and extra kudos given your circumstances of taking such loving care of a special needs daughter. If you do decide to give up the fight for your marriage and pursue a divorce, I hope that you will push for equal time, at least at night, with your girls. I, too, have been a SAHM for more than a decade, and when my husband and I were separated (now piecing), we split nights 50/50. The kids were with me after school, and I would get them to their activities, etc, but we would trade off nights. I think this was good on a couple of levels...one, my husband got a taste of what it was like taking care of VERY busy kids by himself (which you touched on in journaling about taking the girls out to eat), and two, it gave him the chance to see what life after divorce would really be like...missing them and ultimately me. So, while separation stinks big-time, it can work in favor of a reconciliation.

When my husband has dropped the bomb on the kids in the past, I have immediately gone as dark as possible with kids. There was NO contact unless it was absolutely necessary. Again, I'm not sure that this is the right path for you...only you with the help of a DB coach can really know what the right path is...but it worked for me. In addition, I worked HARD on changing myself for the better (DB'ing, as you know, is all about taking an honest look at what problems you personally brought to the marriage and improving you for YOU) as well as detaching. By the way, my biggest problem is shutting my mouth as well, so I feel for you. I've literally had to bite my tongue at times. I've also learned to stop and think before speaking, "Will saying what I'm thinking (negatively) get me closer or farther away from my goals?". Most of the time, it's farther away, so I hold my tongue. I NEVER regret it!

As Accuray stated, no one would blame you if you do decide to walk. Your wife has really put you through it, and I know, it's been tough. Just whatever you decide, keep up the DB'ing, if for anything to continue making yourself better for you and your precious girls.

Take care, and best wishes to you and yours for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2012. Make it YOUR best year yet!

lc4

Is there a support system or groups for families of kids with CP? Seems like both you and your W would benefit from more help.

You have put up with a lot. I wonder if losing her reliable babysitter will start to put things in perspective.

Just wanted to clarify...I went as dark as possible on my husband...I didn't go dark on my kids!

Peter, as someone who went through one crazy rollercoaster ride after the bomb, discovered an A that I never thought my H would have and ended up in Piecing despite my doubts about being able to get past an A (can't say that it's easy though!), I do have the ability to look back and see what worked and what didn't.

I'm going to echo lc4, I'd go dark. You're already on your way to detaching (I think) so that's a start. Looking back, I realize that when I started pulling away, my H got scared and started realizing everything he had to lose. And his poor choices were staring him straight in the face. He's also confirmed this so I know it's not my imagination. Detach, Peter. Let her do what she's going to do and stop reacting.

If you can't detach, then be as wonderful as possible for the next few weeks. You can commit to a short period of time and if that works, commit to a few more weeks. It will give you power to stop reacting to her and if you do reconcile you will have less resentment to overcome because you will be focused on making yourself happy. Your W has to really experience the results of her poor choices to see what she has to lose and she's only to do that if you stop reminding her.

Thanks for all the support everyone.

Quick journal :
Sister is here until Weds - I'm going to miss her when she goes back to London, she's been great fun to have around and the girls adore her.

W announced this morning - she's going to a friend's for holiday drinks tonight and then her restaurant Christmas party is next Monday. I didn't say anything - she said "is there a problem", I said - I was planning on going for a drink with my sister but we can change plans and order in.

Not a lie - I had planned to just pop down the local bar and have a beer and bite to eat - no big deal changing plans.

I did want to say - hmmm 3 nights outs of 6 you have been out drinking, but it's her life - she'll figure out she can't do this when I'm not around.

Apart from that, no real interaction with W all day - wife went grocery shopping for 3 hrs (guess she was staying out of the way) - I took the girls to the playground with my sister.

Peace everyone....