Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

The problem is that FB had a pre-planned confrontation and didn't give either of them much space for things to go better. (FB, I wonder if such pre-planned tantrums are an old thing or a new thing?) Now, it wouldn't matter if she didn't want to reconcile, but she does. I agree it is a good thing to set boundaries, take a stand, and not accept unacceptable behavior. But there are more productive ways to do it.

FB, how about:

H: I lost a friend today.

You: I think you mean BFF? It must be hard and painful to lose someone who was so important to you, who you felt saw you and cared. I can see how it would be hard for her too. You've both made emotional investments and it hurts when a relationship ends. I'm so sorry you both have that kind of loss to grieve.

H: I really miss you and the kids.

You: We miss you too.

H: I don't know what to do.

You: That is really up to you. Whatever you choose has to be what YOU want. We'd love for you to be home. I'd love for you to be home. I want a chance to have a passionate, vibrant, healthy M with you. There are ways we can make space for that to happen, but it will involve painful choices for you no matter what happens. I want you to know that is really OK to try with me and change your mind later. That won't make you a bad guy in my mind. But for me, right now, it is not OK to continue to be with you while she's still involved. It's just not what I'm looking for in my life no matter how much I love you.

H: I don't know what you expect me to do.

You: Whatever you do needs to come from you. Treat yourself well. Respect yourself, be compassionate toward yourself. That's what matters the most.

Good for you MynameisMZ!!

Sometimes it's just knowing your self worth...I didn't really have a lot of self esteem in the beginning of this whole thing. When this kind of betrayal takes shape, it completely knocks you down!!

I know in my heart that I did everything in my power to try to save the M. I was able to walk away with my head held high knowing that there was nothing more I could do. I continue GALing for me and doing my 180's and it helps. I thank God everyday that I found this site. All of you wonderful people are so comforting and encouraging. Each one of you has helped me through some pretty dark times.

I knew in my heart that I had to let him go so that he could figure out for himself what it is that he really needs and wants. I knew that it wasn't going to happen with me and the family at home and on top of him. He had the good life: Me and the kids at home and OW outside of the home. He was getting the best of both worlds. Having his cake and eating it too. I am worth more then that. If in the end it is me and our family that he realizes he loves, needs and wants, well then praise GOD!! But if not, I can go forward with my life with no regrets on my end.

On an up note, I found out that H and OW had a pretty bad fight yesterday and he claims it's done...not sure I completely believe its done as he's ended it with her twice since this happened and ended up going back, but we'll see...I'm sure they'll apologize to each other, kiss and make up...but I'm not going to worry myself with that...the balls in his court now...

I completely see where you're coming from Oldtimer. Funny thing is we had a conversation similar to that last night. I did in fact tell him I was sorry to hear about the fall out of his "friend". I told him that he didn't need to do that if he didn't want to, and he went into the explanation about whatever stupid thing she said that made him mad.

He knows how I feel about their friendship. He knows there is no future with me as a couple if it still continues. And he also knows that I am willing to just be friends with him for our kids if that is the path he chooses. He knows that his future is in his hands at this point. I guess I just have to wait and see what he chooses to do from here on out...

MynameisMZ, so what ended up happening with your sitch??

FB -- great job with the compassion! :-)

I started out in MLC last December.

In a nutshell- Actively in piecing, we're a team and it's "us" and "we" the whole way. I still have my moments/days/triggers. H helps me through those; even left work one day to console me. Funny thing is, we are in such a different place now than before and I am actually a bit bored to talk about the A. Never thought I'd get here!

Similarly, she considered my H her best friend. He says it wasn't like that for him, but they had something and texted each other about 50 times a day, from dawn til late at night. Not kidding. I just trusted it was about work......and I had no idea it was so much. I trusted him.

No 2 A are alike, I know that....but you may find a lot of similarities on here. I did DB a lot and I'm sure it had an effect, but he wasn't giving her up. I told him that their friendship made me really uncomfortable and unhappy. He told me that he agreed, he said it was an inappropriate emotional R that took away form our marriage. He cooled it for about 3 weeks and then started right back up again. It seemed like every time I'd tell him what I needed and wanted, he'd turn around and run to her. I only know all this in retrospect, I was pretty blind to much of what was going on at the time. One example, he bought a new bed with me and then 3 hours later was IMing her about running away together! It wasn't until I calmly told him it was done that he started to wake up out of that fog they get in. He didn't want to hurt her, wanted to let her off gently, not ....(eye roll).... Took me about 8 weeks to get him away from her.

She moved away a little over a year ago and since that anniversary date, I find I am better.

Here's a synopsis timeline if you're interested. It will just give you an idea of the roller coaster ride I'm sure you are familiar with.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2129658&page=3

I remember the moment I made the decision w/ myself that I had to be his best friend and not her. I had to be the chosen one and not her. Then I told him. It was hot that day and we were in the pool. I swallowed hard and said that I loved him, wanted our M to work, wanted him to stay and choose me, but he should probably go to her and see what this is. I was still told it was an EA and I feared he would need to explore the physical. I knew I wouldn't live through it. I told him to go.

I read your thread MZ, and wow you were put through so much. I'm so glad to see that you came through it and are working on things with your H. I can only pray that we will have the same outcome. But like I said, I can't trust that he won't go back to OW just yet. I just know I can't continue to hurt like this anymore...

He's invited me to come with him and our D11 to a local kids restaurant tonight. I accepted, and hope we all have a wonderful time. I'm sure we will. I want to get along with him for our daughter. It's part of my 180's as well to show him that I'm a better person then he thinks I am or has made me out to be in his mind. To be able to let go and be a person that won't hold things against him right now when I know that this hasn't been easy for him either. To show him how much fun I can be and what a great person I am, because I really am all of those things.

Wish us luck!!

"I can't continue to hurt like this anymore..."[color:#990000][/color]

I know... oh boy do I know! You strike me as strong and someone with values and conviction. He's a fool if he can't work through his stuff and choose to be with you.

I have to confess that I chuckled at times about "what if".....what if my H chose her. What a sad and lousy existence. Even now H says that he would have lasted 2 weeks....

I think about that sometimes too MZ, especially since my D11 and I moved back home on Saturday. My H chose his family, and has ended "friendship" with OW.

I thank God that my H was able to realize what he had at stake to lose, and that God allowed him to remember that what we have is such a special thing. I completely believe that God had a hand in this. I believe he put my wonderful friend in my life so that my daughter and I would have somewhere to go this last few days, I thank God that my husband loves us and wasn't willing to just let us go over something that turned out to be insignificant compared to his family, but most of all I thank God that he allowed us this experience. As horrifically painful as this whole experience was, it allowed my H and I to grow, it taught us a lot about each other as individuals and as a couple. And as painful as this was for all of us, I truly believe we needed to go through this so that we had a better understanding and appreciation for what we need to do now and for forever. I know we will be stronger for it, and I know now that true love when shared by both partners survives anything and everything!!

I know that we have a long road to go, and I know that road will contain quite a few bumps, but I believe in our love, and I feel that we will be able to weather any storm that comes our way!!