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Hi 25 (Sorry IS!!! hijacking again), like your daughter I confided in my sister because I had absolutely no idea how to confront my mom with this information. The funny thing is my mom ended up going to my sister and saying, "I have known your sister is gay for a long time, when is she planning on telling me." I know that your situation is a little bit diffrent because this has come as a big shock to you, but I have to tell you when I found out that my mom accepted and loved me a gigantic weight was lifted off of my shoulders and it no longer mattered to me what others thought.

Everyone on this forum stresses the importance of loving yourself and figuring out what it is that makes 'you' happy and everything else will fall into place. You have obviously set a very good example because it sounds like that is what your daughter is doing right now. She is in the process of finding out what makes her happy.

As for not knowing of many gay couple that have made it past 15 years I can tell you that I personally know of one couple that was together 51 years (his partner passed away 2 years ago). I also have a friend that has been with her partner 28 years. I think that the reason you may not see much of it is because the older gay generation seems to be much more 'closeted' they have faced alot more discrimination and will go to great lengths to protect their jobs and they are not as willing to put themselves out there for fear of rejection. Think about how far the gay rights movement has come in a relatively short period of time. There is a much diffrent mindset between the younger and older generation of gay people (in my opinion atleast).

I know that you said your husband feels remorseful for being absent during a crucial time in her life. Those are obviously feelings that he needs to work through. The bottom line is that it is NO ONE's fault and we could go on for days debating nature vs nurture, but what's the point in that.

I guess the retorical question is, what is it that you actually want for your daughter? If the answer is happiness, than you have to be able to relinquish control over the things that you cannot change and know that by continuing to love and support your daughter you are helping her achieve happiness.

The bottom line is being gay makes up a tiny part of who I am and I wouldn't change it for anything. In fact, if I was given the opportunity to live life over again and was told that I could choose my sexuality I would definetely choose being gay. I would probably choose to come back as a gay man because they just seem to have so much more fun. Lesbians can be a little uptight, but whatever

I would say that you are doing a great job of dealing with everything so far. When you have a 'bomb' of any kind dropped you have to cut yourself some slack, educate yourself, figure out what it is you want and then come up with a plan to get there.

25 you have been so much help to everyone on this board and I just wanted to thank you for that. I will be thinking about you and your family. Hang in there!

IS

are you still there? Hope we didn't "abduct" your thread...here...we are giving it back to you....

Sorry IS, one more quick note on the latest trend in your thread:

"As for not knowing of many gay couple that have made it past 15 years I can tell you that I personally know of one couple that was together 51 years (his partner passed away 2 years ago). I also have a friend that has been with her partner 28 years."

Two of my best friends (female and gay) have been in a committed relationship with each other for 20 years and just recently tied the knot in NY after the gay marriage law was passed in that state.

Incidently I was their Best... dude, bridesman, I don't know what the heck I was, but I stood up for my friends in their wedding and it was awesome! Oh and BTW, one of them is also my business partner!

IS
Yes.. I am a very emotional person.  Emotions  run very close to the surface.  So close that my w actually made fun of me.. Saying that I was a "sappy pants" but I digress.

Recognizing is a huge part of moving forward but it is only half of the equation.. You must take the steps to move forward.

Although your wife is doing unkind things, she is very open about her feelings and what she felt was lacking in the r.

I know it hurts.. But this is a good thing because it gives you a place to start.

If your w felt emotionally disconnected from you for 13 yrs.. Those  6 months of changes ain't nothing in her eyes.

Sorry for the 2x4..but it's true.

This is where time and alot of time is needed.....

...... This is why the change has to be for you.

I wonder if you are questioning If you guys were "right" for each other all along is because you are tired.  Tired of being hurt, tired of being disrespected,  tired of trying.

Trust me... I understand the questioning. I go through it alot.

 I had too many of my family members and my w's and my friends tell me that my w didn't treat me right.

I had too much good come from the separation.

I felt a huge  burden lift off my shoulders.  I felt the negative cloud go away..

.... I felt happier and more like the old Val.

So the questioning makes sense... Plus I had the whole lot of "I'm tired and don't want to fight for my marriage anymore" emotions too.

But other than that last one, I'm not seeing a whole lot of other reasons as to why you are questioning.  Maybe it's because you are not Sharing... Idk.

I've  been thinking about your questions... Seeing if I could put my thoughts into Answers that made sense.

I think the best I can do is just tell you my experiences.

You asked about how you can start feeling those deep emotions?  

Well... You already do... So what you really need to know is what are they and what triggers them? Once you learn that... The journey to change begins.

Yes .. I am emotional but that means that I feel a very wide range of emotions. I run the gambit often.

So I talk... Alot.  I spend alot of time speaking with my two best friends, my mom, my sister, my pastor, and God....

...... Talking things out works for me.  I ask myself the hard questions and then I wait for the peaceful answers.

When did I finally realize I was worth it?  

Honestly only in the past 6 wks.. When I started noticing how differently my  interactions with wife were.

I know the process to finding self worth has been exactly that.. A process.  There was no one thing that made the lightbulb turn on.

Alot of it was looking at my feelings. 

I remember when I started dressing feminine again.  Buying new clothes, putting on new makeup.  New jewelry.. Etc.

I would look at myself and smile and then ask... Why did I stop?

And the answers varied but centered around my wife.  She made me feel ugly.. She said very mean things to me because SHE was overweight and she felt ugly.

I thought/think she is beautiful but I think in alot of ways, she didn't love herself......

...... So how could she possibly love me?

And this was just one example.  I also discovered that I wasn't socially awkward, was brave to try new things, was a good friend, and a very selfless person... And many people respected me and wanted to be part of my life...

..... How could I not start seeing worth in that?

But realizing that majority of my negative thinking came from my wife was very hard.

I cried alot... I cried very hard and for a very long time.

But I also got slightly angry too and this was one of the few times.. I let my anger push. Me forward.  I wanted to prove w wrong, I didn't want her to have any say about my worth...

..... I wanted to break free so every time I started slipping into the "why doesn't wife love me" pity party... I fought like he!! to remind myself of the above.  When I wasn't strong enough... God sent someone in my life to remind me.

Now obviously my w wasn't  100% the problem.  I was too..  I hate to fail.. I have a hard time showing myself grace and get frustrated often....

...... Especially when it comes to my negativity..

When I'm not perfect.. I don't feel worthy.. Which is ridiculous cause who is perfect?

I guess to wrap up this novella... All I can say is to look at your emotions..see what stems the negatives and do 180s

Eventually things will change. You will wake up one morning and suddenly realize " I am worth it!"

But that Ah ha moment doesn't come without work and doesn't have to be a journey made alone.

I can say with complete certainty that I did not gain self worth on my own.  For a long time, god brought reminders in my life.. Almost daily... Because I needed it.  

And I'll end on this.. I found alot of self worth in loving others.  The more I respected others, the more i respected myself. The more I showed appreciation, the more I appreciated my own efforts.  The more I loved, the more I feel loved.

I never did any of those things to get anything back... But I did.  I still do.

Food for thought on the saying "the more you give, the more you receive".

p. s.  super sorry for the long post! 

(((( ))))

great post Val...hard earned wisdom...I DO wish we could learn things more easily,

(like learning forgiveness--from winning the lottery!!)

IS, and VAl, this coming year WILL be a year of yet more change - but it shall be a better year for you.

I KNOW THIS! Do you?