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Thanks sunshine,
I'm dealing with it- putting on a brave face etc
having a great time with the kids. We have done holiday family things too... All 4 of us, which hurts the most because the kids don't know yet.. & I need to stop myself from reaching for her hand
etc. Sometimes I can see a break in the clouds... Other times it seems like the R is dead forever. Guess we are all going through similar sitches
take care n thx for the concern
P

Perservance!

You may not believe me, but if you keep doing the stuff everyone says, you will feel better. I keep practicing the detaching, not arguing but validating his feelings, keeping the road back smooth, Getting A Life, and most of all listening when he talks. The last is the hardest for me because my H doesn't talk much.

Keep doing the right thing. Like you have been. It is like erosion, you might not see the results right away!

I also think you should not help her divorce you. But if she starts filing papers, protect yourself legally.

Take Care and Stay Strong!

Wendy

Thanks for the cudos for our soldiers here P,

many of them enjoy what they do and couldn't imagine doing anything else. I've also heard nothing but good things when we've worked with American soldiers. It's a great time to share ideas, find different ways of doing things. I've personally had the opportunity to work very closely with your Marines on a couple of occasions. Wouldn't trade it for anything, 'Semper Fi.'

"Did I turn her into the selfish monster that she has become? I hope not... But I DO accept responsibility for being the catalyst that started this nightmare."

I like your use of the word 'catalyst' here. Yes, some of our actions may have helped to push things along. Sometime's a lot. Very often though, when when a person/S goes through a radical, persistent change in their behaviour like this there's a sizeable part of this that has little to do with us. Issues that they have to sort out within themselves.

Sure, we listen to what they have to say. The key points that they consistently single out, we take a look at these and do our best to work them out one by one. If there are others that are a bit bizarre, keep shifting around, or unreasonable...well, they get filed under the 'later gator' category. (My WAW said I was being too controlling because, among other odd stuff, I wouldn't sign everything to her in the D. Said I needed to work on this and let go of everything...huh?!)

As I've told another, I know this is not easy at times but try not too much waste energy going over, 'if I would have done such and such this wouldn't have happened.' Often, when a person/WAS has finally sorted through this type of thing they have reported that, 'even if my spouse had been perfect this would have happened anyway.' (Aside from seeing this on the boards here, I have personally heard this myself a few times from 3 different individuals, my WAW being one of them.)

"Why do I love her... Or am I in love with the memory or shadow of the past?"

This is normal for this to keep coming up. Expect it. You were hit with a freight train all at once and now are having to deal with this face-to-face for the first time. Give yourself permission to feel this way. Know that it's ok if you can only pick up one piece at a time and not two. Keep pointing yourself in the right direction. As this moves along it will become more workable. Detachment will become more routine.

"I hate what my W has become... So cold, selfish & hurtful."

Speaking of detachment, FYI, your WAW is much more detached than you are at the moment. Your W has had a lot longer to detach. Also, she probably has a sort of empty feeling in her pushing her further away.

Before the bomb, your W had probably been feeling increasingly out of sorts for around 6 months, maybe even up to a year before dropping the 'bomb.' Like something's not quite right. Finally, like a wound up rubber band it snapped. I've seen this pattern with my WAS and many others. (Read lots on it too.)

To add to this, she probably has a lot of conflicting thoughts going on inside and believes if she moves on she'll be better. (Note here: Don't bother trying to explain this to her. It'll go in one ear and out the other. Probably cheese her off too. WAS's don't like to know they are being analysed!)

In short, this is just to help your own piece of mind somewhat to understand what's probably going on with W. Don't forget to keep writing in your own personal journal. Also, I noticed you scheduled some C sessions. Excellent, helps to work this out with an experienced guide.

Keep chipping away at positive things you can do for yourself. Keep pointing yourself in a good direction. Remember to excuse yourself when you trip up. Your detachment will get better and better.

On another note, this thread might be getting close to it's limit. If it gets locked remember to start up another one.

Great post, Coyote!

Thanks Coyote. Have a great New Year!!!

Hi Wendy.
Thanks. I like the term erosion.... Eroding the bad habits & eroding away at my Ws negative feelings and doubt. Sounds like you are doing all of the right things.... You have been amazingly patient with your H. You've been a great db role model.
Thanks a ton. Have a great NewYear!
P

Hey Perseverance, its been a bit since I dropped you a line. First off welcome home! I have been following your sitch and you are getting great advice from everyone, so I felt no need to chime in. Don't have much else to add, but I agree with what they are telling you, so keep working hard!

Not a problem Perseverance. And thanks Labug, just tryin'to help out.

Actually, now that I think of it, of interest, this helps me continue with one of the many changes I needed to look at back when my junk started back in '05. One that kept coming up was I didn't express my feelings well. My natural state of rest was to bottle things up. Among other stuff, this helps to keep me from falling back to that. (I also feel I have something to offer too, hope it helps)

Happy New Years!

Coyote

Went to the movies last night with W and kids. She made dinner and helped around the house- although she has an apartment a few miles away from our home. W gave me a ride when I dropped my car off for service at the dealership today. We interact like business associatates... So difficult. It would be easier not seeing her at all I think. I met twice with an IC ... Meeting with another next week. I spoke with a L also to get advice. Crazy- the C and the L both seem to think that my W is having an A. I have considered it... Maybe I'm nieve but I believe my W... She has been pretty hurtful in the past and the laws in my state seem to split everything nearly 50 50 regardless of who is at fault... So I think that she would tell me the truth. I'm readind DB and other books. I know that there are worse sitch's but it feels so hopeless. She tells me that it's over, too late for mc & that all we can do now is work on coparenting. I have been working on my 180- being patient socially outgoing and even-tempered. W & the Boys have noticed... But she is still afraid of me?! I have never nor would I ever threaten or hurt her... My temper was unpredictable and I was short fused ( yelled at her in the past). I was hoping that the IC woul diagnose me as bipolar or anything.... Instead she told me that I was even tempered, and that I was normal? & that my W is the one with issues?! Oh well.... Meeting a new C. I have been completely open... Strange, but I was hoping to be diagnosed and medicated- shock to be called normal : )
I'll keep working on it... Backsliding a bit because W n I had R talk... I'll try to avoid it in the future. I've only been home a week. I'm taking a few more weeks off before working. Not sure how I'm going to pay for our home and now my Ws new expenses with her appt ( she works part time). I can do it- but not comfortably. Hoping next Christmas Santa brings me reconciliation. Oh well- off to the gym soon, bringing my snowboard in for a tune up and going to yoga tomorrow. Checked out race schedules for the Spring- might try my first marathon. Going polar bear swimming on new years day with my oldest son - swimming in 35 degree water has been a New years tradition since I was 12 & I've passed it on to my kids. Been working on validating and respecting my W, soon to be XW. Sad. I wish that I didn't love her so much.