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Hey Pur,

You wrote this in another thread:
I felt like there was someone else controlling my moods and actions and I had no choice but to go along with it... completely out of control in my own head.

I said almost these exact words to my H at one point.

I am so grateful to have a 'family' that understands what I'm going through and is always ready and willing to give support.... Thank you so much!

journal:
When H left yesterday, he said would call me tomorrow (today)... but he called and text me 4 times within the first 3 hours. The last call was to 'keep him company' while he was driving. I said: 'isn't your brother sitting next to you?' to which he responded: 'yeah, but it's not the same' (imagine the excitement running through my head... but I stayed calm on the phone with him.) He started into a R talk, so I went with it. These were some of his questions:
-So, how do you like the separate vacations? I think I bit off more than I can chew by choosing to travel with the boys alone.
me: This isn't how I pictured my holiday vacation.
-I haven't seen you have a break down in a while, are you handling things better?
me: better than a month ago, yes. but it's still not my favorite thing to go through and it hasn't changed how I feel about you.
(somehow we drifted into dating talk...)
-You don't need to worry about me dating for at least a year and a half.
me: Uh, thanks?
Cause I hate the dating game and I don't want a fling, I want a serious relationship. Since I'm leaving to go overseas in 6 months and then gone for a year, there's no point in dating until I get back, that should make you feel better.
me: no response.(of course in my head I wanted to say: well then don't get back in the dating game!! Isn't it more valuable to spend time and effort getting to know me again, instead of getting to know someone completely new?? We have a history and kids- wouldn't it be better to work hard a developing our M instead of developing a new R?? Choose to date me!!)
**The separation papers and D word were never discussed... this is now going on 6 days of no talk about those!**
We talked for about an hour total and we talked about the kids, a story I heard on the news and other non-R stuff. I left the conversation a little confused. The impression that I got was that he missed me but didn't want to tell me (maybe that's wishful/foolish thinking.)

**on another interesting note: H had taken his ring off a month ago when he dropped the bomb. I assumed he put it away in a drawer or box... but when he was leaving for the trip, I saw it- on his keyring. He has it with him everyday... I'm going to put that as a positive in my book!

Today: I got to spend 12 hours traveling on only 2 planes because of all the delays in Atlanta due to weather I updated H on my flight status (he had asked me to) and he responded with short replies: "so sorry babe" (BTW, he still calls me babe and I noticed that I still call him that too out of habit I guess... but he's never said he has a problem with it, interesting?) But when I finally land, I text to let him know- and I get nothing. Granted, it's 12:30 his time and he has the baby probably sleeping next to him, so I guess it's not unreasonable that he wouldn't respond right away.

Now I'm tired... going to try really hard not to initiate calls/texts this week with H. This is really the first time since the bomb that I won't be seeing him everyday... could be interesting

Yay Purg!!!! It's about time you had something go right. I can't even imagine the stress that you have been going through. I am so happy for you that things are looking up for you with your H.

[color:#3366FF]Cause I hate the dating game and I don't want a fling, I want a serious relationship. Since I'm leaving to go overseas in 6 months and then gone for a year, there's no point in dating until I get back, that should make you feel better.

I think he's just testing you. Just try to forget that he even said that. He may have also been trying to tell you that he was not interested in anyone else right now (aren't you glad you didn't confront him about the emails)

You are doing AWESOME!!!

Definetely Do Not initiate calls next week.

I'm so glad things are looking up for you. Keep on keeping on...

Hi Purg,

I wanted to stop by and give you support as well. You've posted on my thread a few times and I really appreciate it.

I can definitely relate to your sitch where you feel that you've come out of something and see the destruction around you. It really [censored] to look back and see the things that we've done, said, or our actions that contributed to this. But I think the main point is that we see it NOW. Yes, maybe it took us a long time to see, but what matters is that we see it now and are willing to do whatever it takes to make things better.

I think your H is showing many positive signs and you're doing awesome in keeping your cool. I find it very difficult not to get emotional. I, too, feel a little more relaxed when H is not around, mostly because I don't know what to say and how to act. I feel like I always need to be aware of everything, think before say or do anything to make sure I don't back slide. I know how you feel about coming across his emails. Though I never saw the messages, I did see that my H was getting many FB messages from his coworker. I did confront him about it and it didn't go well.

How long until you see your kids? I am so grateful for having my S, especially in these difficult times. He makes me so happy. It's nice to be able to get a hug and kiss. It's nice to hear him tell me how much he loves me, and I can freely say it back to him. I want to tell my H how much I love him, but know it's not a good time.

Hang in there, Purg!

Hi Purg!! - Sorry I haven't posted to your thread in a few days. I was catching up with what has been going on with you. I would also like to give you my support as well and say you are doing awesome!

It is good to see the positive things but as many people here say, don't dwell on it too long because then our expectations grow beyond what they may be capable of giving us at this point.

I am sorry to hear about the emails, but try not to think about them. It is so true, and I gree with nhmom that I am more relaxed when my H isn't around as well.

Try to relax and enjoy your time until your kids come home. Thinking about you!!

Hi Pur,

I just started reading the book Depression Fallout today and it seems it will be interesting and definitely speaks to our issues. It's written for the partner of the depressed person but I figure any understanding of the problem is a good thing.

Maybe at some point we can share it with our Hs.

Thanks ladies!!!

My first day at my parents house:
My parents really want to distract me and keep me busy. While I know they have good intentions, I've had to tell them a few times that I just want a chance to sit with my feelings- because I've never been able to do that in my home since I always have the kids to keep me busy. They seem to respect that, but don't understand.

I got my hair done with my old stylist- that was a nice couple of hours getting pampered. They also made plans to go out to dinner so I had to get dressed up and put on a smile.

I feel really overwhelmed by my sorrow here. I think it's simply because this is the first time I've really had the opportunity to give into my sadness without worrying about it affecting my responsibilities. My family seems to be staring at me for every move I make. I know they are worried about me, but I want to just tell them to let me be sad if I want to!

My H called me 3 times today... in the morning so I could talk to the boys since I got in too late last night, once around lunch 'just to see how I was doing' and then at bedtime for the boys again- but he and I also talked for a little while. I could tell that he wasn't enjoying himself based on his responses, but he would never admit that to me.

A big day of shopping at the outlet malls are planned for tomorrow, then movies on friday and I have a massage scheduled on saturday.... see what I mean about my family trying to keep me busy to stay distracted?!

It's nice that your parents are concerned and that they are trying to keep you busy. You need that. I know it's hard being away from your kids, but enjoy this little getaway and the attention from your loved ones!

i'm glad you've made plans to do nice things for yourself. something as simple as a haircut can be such a nice pick me up isn't it? i bought myself a hat on boxing day and it made me so happy!

"I feel really overwhelmed by my sorrow here. I think it's simply because this is the first time I've really had the opportunity to give into my sadness without worrying about it affecting my responsibilities."

sadness doesn't quite describe what we're struggling with does it? it truly is sorrow. but hang in there! take this time to really focus on yourself and what you need.

as for H not enjoying himself.. i don't know if you ever felt this but sometimes i want to say.. welcome to reality!! it doesn't get easier or better if we end up D!! it seems like a good sign that he is concerned enough to call 3 times.

enjoy your day shopping! it certainly doesn't solve our problem but it's oh so enjoyable!!

I'm so sorry about your heart issue. I can't imagine having to deal with that on top of what you're already going through.

It's confusing when they get up close to you and bring up R talk, isn't it? My ex has been pretty buddy-buddy with me since dropping the bomb 3 weeks ago. He even initiated sex with me on Christmas night. Today I mentioned that I slept wrong and my neck has been hurting all day. He offered to massage it for me. I practically snapped at him. Trust me, I love that he wants to touch me and be near me, bur he still doesn't want to be with me. It only confuses me more. I know it's incredibly hard to not scrutinize your H's every interaction with you, but please try not to. Who knows what his intentions are. They're likely not what you hope for them to be. I am feeling like mine wants to have me without commitment. The weak side of me screams YES! Take me! I want you any way that I can have you! The strong side of me smacks me upside the head for even going there in my mind. Respect (the lack of it) was a big issue in our R. Letting him get to physically have me while not committing to me won't foster any respect from him to me. I also wouldn't be respecting myself.

I brought that up because your H sea to be warming up to you since you haven't been breaking down as much, and he's taken notice. Same thing happened with me. He moved in closer once I backed off. He still doesn't want to be with me, though. It killed me to get my hopes up over it. I have to actively fend him off sometimes when he's being flirty with me. It's starting to anger me, which I guess is better than giving in?