Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Abusive - situation out of control.

I’ve haven’t posted in a while; busy with renovations. Things have been going from bad to worse and I’m completely over my head. I’m still getting angry; I’m frustrated because I can’t diffuse the situation. My W is well beyond upset. Let me rephrase, I’ve pushed my W to the point where she is prepared to live on her own and to tell our son that we’ve separated. One of the reason’s she’s stayed is to avoid telling my son about my abuse.
Every young girl she sees sets her off and I don’t know how to handle her rage. I’ve said sorry so much, it means nothing. I’ve been abusive for well over twenty years and I’ve threatened divorce and separation each time we’ve argued. My W is convinced I’m having an affair, which I’m not.
I have no idea what to say when she gets upset, or how to diffuse the situation.
How do you earn respect and trust from someone you’ve hurt for many years?

Herb Garden

You need to get to a counselor, stat! Have you guys seen a MC?

Herb, I've been in your wife's shoes for something like 6-7 years as far as the feelings about my H looking at other women, cheating (I consider it emotional abuse, but it was never verbal or physical).

I don't know how I would feel after 20 years. It sounds like you need a mediator of some sort to step in and diffuse the situation.

Herb, you need to get into Anger Management ASAP IMHO, aaaaannnnnnd a individual/joint counselor pronto.

In the meantime, I suggest you look at this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...178#Post2180178

Herb,

I know your wife was here, maybe she is still reading...

For you both, I would agree counseling is in order.

You need to learn to control your anger, develop some sort of transparency plan so that she can see there is no one else (even if you feel it isn't necessary).

As for your W, she needs to really examine within herself why she allowed, tolerated, whatever word you want to use, the things that she considers abuse and work to resolve those issues.

It might also help for each of you to really clearly define what exactly is considered abuse because unless it is physical or obvious name calling, it is a subjective. It might give you some places to start though.

Herb,

Check out an anger management program.

If it's as bad as you say it is, you're looking in the bandaid drawer here, when you should be talking to a doctor.

Hello to all

I haven't posted since Aug; tried to handle my situation on my own and it hasn't worked well. Recently, I completed approximately eight weeks of anger management counseling but I continue get mad at my W, make inappropriate, hurtful comments and respond poorly when she asks me why the computer "caps lock" in on; she thinks I'm e-mailing someone, which I'm not.

I've been unfaithful in the past and because of my continued anger and inability to be patient, empathetic and supportive she doesn’t trust me. I want to stay married and to have a happy, loving relationship with my W, but I’m not educated nor qualified enough to have a decent, respectful conversation with her when she talks about how she feels. Saying sorry is no longer sufficient; my W wants and deserves to be in a loving relationship. She has endured my anger for over two decades; understandably she’s tired of dealing with me. She said she’d rather live alone than with an angry man.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Obviously handling this on your own is not working. Have you sought therapy?

I agree with Mishka. Therapy is your best chance at getting to the root of your anger issues. Anger management is fine for trying to control the anger but I don't think it helps you understand the cause and how to manage it and rid it from your relationship with your W.

Were you always angry or only since you been married? I can't imagine your W would be attracted to an angry man. What was your life like before you were married. What makes you truly happy?

Also, looking through some previous posts, it looks like you were given some pretty good advice before. What did you do with that advice other than the anger management?

So you've had anger management counseling, Herb, what would your therapist / session leader say?

Is there follow-up for this counseling?

What would be your advice for one of the folks in your group if they had come to you with the same problem?

In other words---I think you have the answers within yourself, and so...'just do it'.


Now what are your goals, and what is your plan?

oh Herb, I'm sorry to see you back under these circumstances.

I do hope your W is doing OK, otherwise. We haven't heard from her for a long time, either. Wish her my (our) best if you can.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you go beyond counseling / therapy.

Do you really want to get your anger in check? ok, I know that's a rhetorical question. The more important question is (and again, I think I know the answer), would you go to the ends of the earth to get a handle on this for yourself, and for your W?

If so, then I am going suggest you actually get some further work, done. The following could very well point to something that is not necessarily psychological:

+ Visit a doctor and discuss your anger issues and that you have been through therapy. Ask him if there is any medical condition that could be causing this

+ Visit a pathologist if you do not need a referral from your MD.

+ Also, visit a dietitian.

There are certainly situations where anger could have a physical cause.

A past head injury (even if you think you've never had one). A friend of mine caught a bad hop in a baseball game in the jaw. Shattered it. They fixed him all up and sent him on his way. Over the next 10 years, he changed in a major way. Finally, about 20 years later (not kidding) he had a brain scan. They found a bone fragment lodged in his brain. After they removed it, he literally became his old self. He lost his family and pretty much all his friends over this, because it was overlooked.

There could be a pathogen which is actually causing a neurological change.

And finally, diet or hormonal imbalance could be causing a chemical issue in your brain. Diet or some medication could help relieve this.

Therapy MAY NOT help you with your anger, if the issue is one of the above, or something else I haven't thought of...