Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

Just a few reflections from the past week...

My mom moved across the state three years ago. She used to be four hours away, now she's 30 minutes away. She did this to be closer to my SS, SD, and S. This year was the first year we visited her on Christmas Eve. It's not like the past two years we couldn't have visited her, but my W worked those Christmas Eves so we didn't. This year W worked as well, but my GAL worldview let me see that I could go be independent of my W. In previous years we didn't go because W couldn't go. I was so enmeshed in my W's identity I didn't even go see my mom on Christmas Eve. That's pretty pathetic...

Second realization... my W is so absorbed in herself it's unreal... On Christmas Eve we had that little flare up about child care and moving. She misunderstood something I said; when all I was referring to was who was going to do child care this week when the kids are off of school, she works, and I work. Later that night when we were talking she apologized for the flare up. Then she said "I didn't even realize the kids were off of school this whole week" WTF?? Seriously?? It didn't occur to you that your three children were off between Christmas and New Year's? The words on the calendar that say "NO SCHOOL" didn't clue you in? The fact that I asked you three times last week about how we wanted to handle child care was lost on you? Wow... just wow.

She is so tied up in her little world right now that her kids being off of school for a week "snuck up" on her. Guess I better start reminding her in April that school ends in June...

WHG - clearly your W has A LOT n her mind. Do your best to understand that and manage expectations accordingly. Be as loving a WHG as you can be under the circumstances and continue the PMA you've got going. It will serve you well in the long run.

In the meantime, maybe let her know NOW that Spring break 2015 is right around the corner and she needs to start planning

I totally get that, WHG.

When my h was in his crisis, he was so self absorbed that the neighborhood bully down the street shoved our daughter onto the pavement and kicked her, and he did nothing about it. When I went down the street to talk with the parents, my H was back at home on the computer emailing OW and looking up information on "Aries and Taurus" love horoscopes.

There were a handful of times where he was so checked out. I had to become the primary parent taking care of things. Once our D got sick, very sick, and I had to arrange to take her to the doctor, getting a ride with our neighbors to town. What was he doing when this went on? At home, on the computer again doing searches on porn. he gave me some excuse to stay home that day.

It's really really hard to stand back and watch them be so detached like this.

Yesterday at around 3 pm when my W returned from the barn I asked if D was still sleeping. She said "really I don't know" and looked into her room. Yes she was still sleeping but at 3 in the afteroon, plezzzzz.

OMG... your comment totally brought back the memory of this past July when things really started heading south b/w W and I. She had come back from this music party and I knew something was wrong. I was super-snoopy and ended up checking her internet history on her netbook. Found searches for astrological love matches between her sign and this other guy's sign. Then, when those didn't give good results, my W went and looked up that article from early this year where someone created a new sign and adjusted all the other signs. That got her the result she wanted. I look back at that now and think, how pathetic... you're looking up some made-up crap and then when it doesn't say what you want (which is BS to start with) you look up made up stuff about the made up stuff. Wow.

I know... so have I. That's all I could think of when my W left for her party two nights ago and didn't come home until 7am. She left 30 minutes after our S getting home from the ER and he was still having respiratory distress. Granted... was he in dire straits? No. But I'm fairly certain if you poll 10 moms who have five year olds, and their five year old just came home from the ER with breathing problems... 9 out of 10 would probably cancel and stay home.

I have been... this is just my place to vent. I don't rely on, or plan on her really at all anymore. If I do I check, double-check, and then have a back-up plan. And even this it sometimes blows up.

I know... so have I. That's all I could think of when my W left for her party two nights ago and didn't come home until 7am

Wow, if you were able to maintain your composure when she got home you are officially my new hero.

It's great that you are now getting to spend more time with your parents and I am sure your kids love having grandma and grandpa around.

Thank you for your advice today!

Well grandma yes... grandpa... not so much My dad passed away almost 20 years ago. About four years ago my mom remarried... however, my mom is a "fixer" (hmm.. wonder where I got THAT trait from!) and boy did she find a reclaimation project. So yes... grandma definitely, she loves all kids and the kids love her to death. Keeping SS and SD in her life is one of my priorities in all of this, and thankfully my W agrees... she wants my mom to be a big part of their lives too. More so than her own parents (go figure... no, that doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense to me either).


Thanks! I'm pretty darn proud of myself actually. I really did maintain my composure. Beyond that I didn't really care too much. Yes it annoyed me, but it's her life. The kids are old enough to see. They know who was home when they woke up. They know who put them to bed. They know who made them breakfast.

My W is so lost right now. When she stumbled in at 7am I actually didn't feel anger towards her... I felt pity for her.

our daughter, then a senior in high school had a stalker for about 4 months. He was from another country, with English as his 2nd language, so at first we thought MAYBE he didn't know that his behavior was weird to us. We cut him some slack for his persistence, which I do think he believed showed his "love" for our d.

THEN He got angry at our d b/c she did not reciprocate--she was NEVER rude to him btw, but she simply didn't "love" him. That's when I said "enough is enough".

SO I called the school and gave them ONE chance to handle it or I'd involve the police, that day.

Coincidentally H called and I mentioned that the school seemed to be handling it well enough, finally.

H said "What stalker? HOW COME I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS??"

[I can promise YOU, fellow DBers here, I definitely discussed with h, a "persistent boy" in her life, who was "getting weird" with her. More than once...

But h had his head...somewhere else]


I guess in an ideal world, I'd have given him some points for caring...but let's face it, it was NOT an ideal world.

And H was indignant with ME! Dang, that's some nerve...

I give myself a C+ for my answer (but credit too--I could have been worse)-

"h, we've talked about it non-stop HERE- so I guessed that's why you missed those conversations."

He sniffed about how I "could have told him MORE" to which

I said "I did tell you...guess you have a lot on your mind" (A+ for THAT answer!!)

b/c h could not say anything to that but "well yes I do..." and I assumed then, that he felt some guilt. Later on, I discovered for sure he DID.

(At Retrovaille a lot came out from him about previously felt remorse that I didn't know of at the time.

So yes folks, there are guilty feelings that many WAS can't handle - so they shelve them..."til later"...but I think those feelings of regret DO exist in most cases.)

Just b/c WE, the LBSer, can't see it, does not mean it's non existent.

It's there somewhere.

Something else struck me too---the respect I have for my single parent friends. Mostly women, plus a widower in my neighborhood whose w (& good friend of mine) died suddenly, and left him devastated in grief, and with 4 kids, age 7 to 14.

These single parents cannot count on the other parent showing up in emergencies...and the not so emergent BUT still damn important things, like the play the child is in, or the big game or the scary nightmare, again......those kids just get one parent.

That's hard on the parent AND the kid. And it's Unrelenting...

it's 24/7, 365 days a year and on. MANY of them have little to no contact from their exes or the WAH lives in another state and gets the kids on alternate holidays and monthly phone calls...

NEVER involved to help or assist or make it easier on the remaining parent, just there b/c a court ordered it AND OR to feel as if they're still good parents!

SO This is another great advantage to this site--the men here reminds us of how many good men are around and how much they love their children.


What can YOU the LBSer do about it?

BE THERE FOR THE KIDS, NOW...


IMO, what you want to know is how to fix your spouse and for that,

we have no answers except to fix ourselves as best we can and to live WELL.

I happen to believe based on a lot of observation,

that MOST walk away spouses care about their children, even the narcissists love their progeny, if for no other reason than it's THEIR offspring...

(the stepkids have a whole other downside, and I can only pray for them)

but the WAS's priorities are so skewed that they tell themselves, (SINCERELY) that they WILL pay more attention to & spend time with their children

----"LATER on, or when 'X' or 'Y' happens, THEN it'll get better"....& I think they mean it.


for everyone's sake, let's hope they get that chance.


Sadly, for many WASs, it will come too late -- for the child is no longer a child.

OR the WAS's fear of rejection--their own private shame, keeps the WAS from even probing or trying to reconnect. I knew a man who left his kids and the longer he went without contact, the more insurmountable it became for him...and his older son married a lovely woman last year and to the bride's credit, she bore no ill will when her husband, the groom, made the FIRST toast to his mother, a "woman of great substance"...we all cried. Not a dry eye in the place and the father, the WAS, saw none of it. He does not know what he missed but it was a great loss for him, and it doesn't matter that he doesn't know it. The justice of it? Well, his punishment is what he missed...their payoff is that they love each other and respect each other and the sons love their wivess as their mother taught them what a woman of substance is and deserves...so

Here is THE CHALLENGE and it's a biggie...

The lbs'er must help reduce the chance of the a disappearing parent, as best we can.

If the only thing you can do for your kids is to make it easier on the WAS to reconnect with them, so be it.

it's not about what is fair to the WAS; and it's sure not about what is fair to US.

it's about what's best for the kids...

and feeling fully loved by both parents IS best for the kids, even when it may not be quite true.

I know how hard that can be to remember, but it is a loving gift for your children.

Also-
Remember that a lot of military families miss a parent for a year at a time, more than once, and yet remain very close. Of course that is different b/c of the CAUSE of the separation.

But it shows us that it's not Just the physical presence of a parent that matters. It's knowing that the parent, there or not, CARES...AND SHOWS IT.


So i guess I'd advise an LBSer to suggest - in as positive a way as possible that the WAS "keep in touch as best they can"...

My DB coach said something like that to me 5 or 6 years ago and I cringed and whined in outrage at the injustice of it all. She said something like

"yes, it is not easy I know...it's Mother Teresa hard stuff. But it's FOR your child and at times like these, Someone has to suck it up and show up for your kids, and if it ain't gonna be your ex, then that just leaves YOU!"

She also reminded me to put my kid's happiness ahead of my anger/ego too.


The WASs communication efforts have to encouraged b/c their Effort, however meager or feeble appearing to US, counts.



I believe the best most honorable loving thing an LBSer can do FOR their children when the WAS ignores or neglects their child or gives less,

is to protect the child. I don't say "Lie" but then again, telling your children their father/mother loves them is NOT a lie, even if it feels like it is.
Have a good holiday and make it as good and loving for your kids as you can.

You will never regret "Sucking it up & showing up" for YOUR child.

A future life without parental regret - is a gift you can give yourself, starting today.

Enjoy!

WHG I am sorry about your Dad. Losing a parent is never easy no matter how long ago it occured. You sound like a truly amazing guy and someone your kids can be proud to call Dad.

25 can I just tell you that I want to grow up and be you or atleast have your knowledge Every single one of your posts just blows me away!

Thanks for the reminder 25.

There are days when I think I "sucked it up" just a little too much by allowing XW to co-habitate (for the kids).

Pic.