Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused and alone

I've been reading along here for a couple of weeks, and I feel it's time to post my story.

My H and I have been together since college, inseparable, best friends, always doing stuff together. We got M fairly young, me:23, H24. We waited 4 more years until we had our son. I'd like to think that we had a very good relationship overall. Sure, there were bumps along the way, but we were able to stick together and get them resolved.

For the past year or so, things have been getting very stressful for me, mainly job related. I was not able to cope with the amount of stress and withdrew emotionally. H tried to help occasionally, and I'd blow him off, saying that everything is fine and it's all in his head. I became emotionally withdrawn, which, it turns out, resulted in me pushing him away. He's always been a great guy, helps with the household, is a great dad. He's a 50-50 kind of guy.

The day after Thanksgiving he dropped the bomb. He said he was done. He was burnt out. He said I treated him so badly that there was nothing left in him for me. He says we're different people now. We're not in sync. He says he gave all he had and got nothing in response. In the end, his feelings for me are gone.

A couple of months prior, he had been out to a bar with friends and gave his phone number to a girl. She contacted him 6 weeks later and they had a 3-4 day texting back and forth "affair". That was prior to the bomb. He came home one day, broke down and asked for my forgiveness. I had been working hard at learning how to forgive and put that behind me. That incidence opened my eyes real wide. Somehow I snapped out of the state I had been for months and it felt like I fell in love with my H all over again. Yes, I was afraid to lose him, but I was also seeing the great qualities and our relationship, and I wanted him to know that I love him. I thought things between us were improving greatly, but a month later he dropped the bomb.

He has been at home until this morning. He packed up a few things and said he needed to get away from me, and that he'd be back on Friday.

We've talked a lot since the bomb was dropped. I admitted that he didn't deserve to be treated that way (though I was never mean or intentional). I did have mood swings, seemed frustrated with the job situation and probably expressed signs of depression. I wanted to improve our lives, and while trying to do that, I was achieving the opposite. He seems very angry and frustrated. He says that he does not want to be at home, that it stresses him out. He's been very impatient with DS4 for a few months now, constantly yelling at him, sending him into time out, etc. He admitted that he was jealous of DS4, and that I always go against him and give in. That is not true, but that's now how he sees it.

I also found out that he's been spilling his heart out to a female coworker, who he claims has been a great listener. She's barely out of college, what does she know about relationships? According to H, they are just friends, but can you say EA?

I am making an appointment to see a MC this week, hopefully. H is not willing to go, so I will go by myself. I've read DR and have been following some of the threads here. It's helped me a lot to see things, but it's so hard to do some of them. I've tried the 180's and Act-If's. Since H is always wanting to "talk" about our situation, it's been very hard trying not to defend myself or say certain things. He's been very hurtful and very stubborn with what he says. It hurts so much, but I'm not convinced we are over. There is so much to be saved, if only he could see it. He literally turned off his feelings with the flip of a switch. I know I can't do anything about his feelings. I have been trying not to keep him from taking the space that he needs, but it's so hard. I told him he should do what he needs to do. Even though it will be "only" 3 days until he's back, I don't know what to expect.

I've talked to a couple of people about this, but I feel so lonely. I don't have many friends as I've been too focused on parenting and work, that I haven't taken much time to do stuff for myself, especially for the past year. I know I need to GAL, and I will try, but it's not easy with a kid. Since I work full time, I feel like I don't get much time to spend with DS4 as it is.

I feel like my world is crushing on me and I'm losing my one and only person. I want to learn how to fix my mistakes and start the marriage fresh. He can't seem to want to let go of how much I hurt him. Until he's willing to do that, I'll have to do my best to hang in there and move on. Though this is not the best of situations, I am learning a lot about myself and the things I would like to improve. I'm determined to become a better person, regardless of what happens. I just don't want to think about my life without my H. I want him there with me!

Oh, so he "left" this morning, but emailed me from work a couple of times. He's asking me how I'm doing? How does he think I'm doing?! He's acting concerned all of a sudden, asking me if I'm eating. He said I'm the mother of his child, and he wants to know if I'm ok. Urgh!

Hi nhmom

Based on this situation, it is time for you to DETACH. You say it is hard and yes, it can be, but once you make the first step, it gets easier. You just also have to learn to NOT expect TOO much with GAL'ng.

He may need space and time to clear his head. I think you also need the space to get to know yourself and become less angry and more pleased with who YOU are.

What things can you do to GAL? Tell me.

Hi NHMOM--

Sounds like we are married to the same guy. My H can turn his feelings on and off like a light switch.

Take it from me, do not cry, plea or beg him to stay because that will only push him farther away. I did this for about two months, then I realize I needed to leave him alone. So I gave him time and space. After 6 weeks of no contact with me he called me out of the blue and wanted to have lunch. Then a couple of days later he wanted to spend the day with me. It's hard but you will need to detach. Let him feel what life will be like with you.

Take this time for yourself and work on yourself. Once I started to self reflect, I did not like the person that I became. So I started to work on myself. And he has noticed the changes. And if he nice to you and show some kind of affection, please do not read anything into that because once he realizes that he was doing that, he will be cold the next time he sees you.

Thanks for the responses so far! I sure need all the help I can get. I know I need to detach, but it's so damn hard. I try my best not to get emotional, but even as I'm writing this I'm starting to cry.

When he packed his bag yesterday morning, I didn't say anything. I didn't ask him to stay, I didn't beg or cry. It's like he's been waiting for me to tell him to go away, always asking me if I understood why he needs space. I told him he should do what he needs to do. Maybe it's because he said he was only going for a few days, but I know that the few days will not fix anything. I know this will be a long journey.

He called last night wanting to talk to our S. Even though our S is 4, he can still sense that something is not right. He didn't really want to talk to him, but I encouraged at least a few sentences. I thought my H would be done talking, but he then talked to me for a few minutes telling me about his office party. I know it's I have to be pleasant towards him, but it's so hard not to give him the cold shoulder either.

I know he's hurting and his emotions are on overload, and he may be saying things that are not true (I hope). I had been telling him that I see how he thinks that I hurt him and I admit to making mistakes and not returning his affection as I should have, but he then said that he made only one mistake, that he allowed himself to let me into his heart. That's so hard to hear, that he feels that our 13 years together was a mistake.

A little more background on my H. He has a lot of unresolved emotional issues. He's been adopted twice - at birth and at age 5. His mom and dad from the second adoption separation shortly after he was adopted, and he passed away when H was 7. He grew up with a single mom. Almost 5 years ago, he found his birth mom. At first, their relationship was great, kind of like a honeymoon period. Then, it started to get shaky. He has many grudges against her for giving him up, etc. At the same time, he's happy to know his "new" family, has a brother and sister now. They've been trying to work on their relationship for a while and hadn't seen each other in 3 years. He's been telling his bio-mom about our stuff, and she suggested to get away for a few days to visit them. He did that last weekend. Came back even more distant. It seems that he's got so much on his mind that he needs to deal with. He's also blamed me for not being there for him and helping him with this new relationship with his bio-mom. I had told him many times that he needs to figure out for himself what he wants to do, and whatever the decision, I'd be there to support him. I never had anything against them, never said anything negative. But he is blaming me for making me choose between them and me. He's always felt that he was caught in the middle and had to please everyone. I had told him many times over that it was not his job to please everyone. He should do what makes him happy.

As for GALing...hmm, my MIL said she's going to get me a gym membership for XMas and would be happy to come watch my S. I've joined a meetup group a while back, but the meetings are infrequent. I'm hoping things will pick up after the holidays. I'm hoping to pick up another hobby, but may have to wait and see what will happen. If my H wants a longer separation, then finances will be tight and I may need to look to move to a less expensive place. He's brought up sharing custody a few times, so I have no idea how long he's been brewing this up and if he's really serious about quitting for good. What gets me is that just 2 months ago he was asking me what I like and don't like about him, what he should change and that he wants to be a better man. Then, a month later, we're in this mess.

Sounds so familiar...sadly.

But it seems you've started on the path. Detach, detach, detach. Words won't get him to come back.

Look for activities, classes that have childcare available. Don't know if you belong to a church but many have lots of things going on and often have childcare available. I don't belong to any church but took a Boundaries class at one and am looking at taking another class at a different church.

Do things for yourself, it's better that your son have a happy, composed mommy than a stressed out, depressed mommy.

Oh, and more about me. I'm from Europe originally, but have been in this country for 14 or so years. I have no family here, so my H has been the only family I had, and then came our DS. I also don't have a huge network of friends, and only one of my friends knows about this situation so far. I talked to my MIL the other day, which made my H furious. I know, I saw on the 37 rules list that you shouldn't do that, but I felt like I needed to talk to someone who'd understand, especially since she had gone through separation many years ago. She's been supportive of me and offered her help when needed. I told my H that she is just as much my family as she is hers.

{labug} Yes, I'm trying to be composed in front of my DS. We play and do silly things (something that H didn't really want to do, but that's another story). I don't talk about what's going on in front of him. Though the other day when H was home, he kept wanting to "talk", so DS overheard the distress and asked why H was yelling at me

Did we marry the same guy?! Mine dropped the bomb the day after Thanksgiving too and said pretty much the same thing "I don't feel the love anymore. I gave for so many years with nothing in return that I'm just done." (you can check out my long sad story on my thread 'too little too late' in newcomers)

I have received the same advice from the ladies above- Destiny is a veteran on this site and has some great insights!

I am still easing my way into detaching. My H still lives in the house- across the hall in the guest room. So I have to see him everyday, and that makes detaching more of a challenge, but on the days that I really try to do it- I feel better.
I try not to be home when I know he's on his way home from work.
If you can afford it, the YMCA offers 2 hours childcare while you work out, I joined about 6 months ago and it's wonderful. I can't work out for 2 hours, but sometimes I'll just do 30 minutes and then find a chair and read a book for an hour- how often do you get to read a book at home when the kids are always around? They also have great classes available.... just a thought to get you out of the house and getting healthy always helps the confidence level

You have come to the right place. You will find that everyone has similar stories and everyone is willing to offer support and keep you on track. These first few weeks are going to be really hard- make sure you post often so you can get the support that you need.

I'll save you a seat on this crazy roller coaster of emotions!

Purgatory: Thanks for the note. It feels a little comforting to know that I'm not alone. I've been reading some posts here for a week or two. I read on someone's post that it feels like their H was abducted by aliens, and that's exactly how I feel about my H. I just hope that he'll be returned to me! I will look into the Y. My MIL said she'd be getting me a gym membership for XMAS. She's totally supportive of me doing things for myself.

Oh, you're so right about the emotional roller coaster. I hate it. I am happy to have my DS to give my attention to. He makes me happy and I need to be there for him. That's one of the reasons that I haven't had much of a life outside of the house is that I love spending time with my DS and H. Working full time already takes up so much time and I feel like I'm missing out on a lot. At the same time, I do see the importance of having "me" time. It's all about finding the right balance.

I need some advice. H says he thought I left him, meaning that because I didn't meet his needs and was moody, etc, that I had moved on (emotionally). I admitted to him that I had been emotionally distant and wrapped up in stress, etc, but I never "left" him, never said I didn't love him or anything like that. I understand the need to detach (though I think that it's the most difficult thing to do) and GAL, go "dim", etc. However, if that is how he thinks I used to be - distant, is doing all of that going to make him think that I am moving on and he doesn't have to feel guilty about giving up on us? I guess the important thing would be to act pleasant and happy (again, so difficult to do when you're heart and soul are being stabbed, punched and kicked) and not be cold or look mad. It's so hard to put on a happy face when he can tell from looking at my eyes that I'm hurting.

I don't like being on this roller coaster! Yesterday went fairly ok, though no contact from H during the day. MIL stopped by work and brought coffee. The evening with S was good. We colored together and it felt very therapeutic. H called to talk to S. S asked him where he was and when he'd be home. H left the home Tuesday morning and said he'd be back on Friday, but I didn't know where he was staying. He then talked to me for a few minutes, just general stuff.

I watched Crazy Stupid Love last night and it made me cry a few times.

H texted me this morning randomly talking about lottery tickets. I then made the mistake of asking him how he was doing. And the tone suddenly switched. He said that we are doomed and that he doesn't believe in change. He said he's terrified to come home. I am not expecting anything from him tomorrow. I don't expect him to suddenly have a change of heart and tell me how wrong and confused he was (though I secretly do wish that). I want to get through XMas pleasantly with our S. It terrifies me to think about the time after the holidays. I don't know where his head is and what he's planning. All I know is that he's very angry, frustrated, and confused. I'm afraid that he was expecting his feelings to cool off in these few days, but I know that's unrealistic. I'm afraid he will need more time, and I don't know how I'm going to cope with that. My body and heart are hurting so much! I know I need to "let him go", but it's so hard. I know I can't do anything to make him change his mind, other than do stuff for myself.

Looking forward to my very first IC tomorrow. H can't believe I'm actually going (I never wanted to go in the past), so maybe that's one of my 180's?

A big backslide...I told him that I missed him (in the middle of the above texting convo). I don't know why I had to do that. I guess I wanted him to know that I cared, but I know that he's not in a state now where he can receive that well and I'm sure it pushed him further away (2X4 please!). But what am I supposed to do when he starts talking about R? He asked me what I was thinking about all of this. I told him that we are in a rough spot and we need to take small steps to make things better. He always turns the tables and asks me what I'm thinking about all of this. I tell him that we need to take time to try to work stuff out. I know it's not the right thing to say, but what am I supposed to say? Ugh. He's so good at turning tables. Never wanting to share his opinion, or keeping it very short then passing the torch to me. Then, I end up saying things I shouldn't have and push him away.