Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Feels like the bottom of 9th with 2 outs

It's not the goal - but at the end of the day the total disrespect and selfishness is just too much - she is doing all of this on purpose and with a lack of consideration for others, too many incidents to be an accident.



She goes out after work - I look after the girls while she's at work so as a by-product I end up looking after the girls while she is out partying.



In that case I may never detach - if she is working on relationships outside of our M and DBing says detach and not let it get to me, I'm afraid I don't have the strength to be a true DBer.



I have quit drinking - a few weeks ago I threw out all the liquor we had in the house (my W drinks wine at home), I'll have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner but that's it. One drink a night.



I would hope my D's would recognize why I had to walk away - call it pride, controlling or whatever you want - at the end of the day I know I have contributed to the situation but as soon as I recognized what was happening I did my best to turn it around. My W just keeps adding fuel to the fire...

I do keep making that choice - I'm not sure why, maybe I am in self-destruct mode, I really don't know why I keep doing it, other than being upset and angry at the time.



My girls had a great Christmas - the stockings were up before they got out of bed because I made sure they were. There was nothing I said or did during the day that was either angry or indicated I was upset in any way - I made sure this has nothing to do with my girls and nothing spilled over by the time they were awake.



Ok - point taken, but I went from having a beer with dinner and having a few scotches when the girls went to bed, to just having a beer with dinner, not completely quiting drinking but certainly not something that would impact my judgement.



Ok - will try to list...
1. Stopped working from home, all my time is with the family when I am at home.
2. Listened and validated my W when I'm not upset (though to this forum it must seem I'm always upset).
3. Stopped worrying about finances - if my W spends money on things I don't agree with - provided they aren't major I don't say anything.
4. Tried (at least outwardly) not to show any resentment when she goes out with friends but finds no time for us to spend together.
5. Worked on little things that in the past I would leave to her e.g. Planning things with girls, fixing things around the house, doing the dishes / cooking, getting the girls up and ready at the weekends.

My efforts may seem pitiful when written down - but I have been making an effort.

Your efforts aren't pitiful, Peter - but what I am learning (and 25 has big a major factor in this) is that time, time, time is what it takes. I figured that I slowly did MY part to drag my M into this state (though unknowingly) over the course of the years. I am not going to get out of it NEARLY as quickly as I would like.

If you haven't done it already, take a very naked look at your role in this. I went back and took a look at everything my W complained about and tried to be as defenseless and possible in seeing her view/point. It helped. Though I don't agree with her decision to leave, I can see how she got there and how I helped.

I am the LAST person on this board to be offering suggestions for patience - but I can tell you that it is needed.

Hang in there.

Crimson

Peter, this is such a difficult thing but you have it in you to do this and come out a better person. I was reading a thread from the archives in which a LBH said that his situation would be the defining event in this stage of his life.

How will it define you?

Peter - I came across this post on detachment in the archives and thought you might benefit from my reposting it on your thread. I hope you find it helpful.

"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

Great repost, 2. Helpful to lots of us!

Copied. Pasted into email. Sent to self.

Excellent "blurb".

Thanks for the post on detachment - I know I need to do it, it's just so hard.

Girls have had a great Christmas - W and I are cordial no more than that. Nothing has been mentioned since the incident on Christmas Eve. I was going to post a couple of things that indicate she's still on the path of D - but that's not detachment, I need to ignore them and let her lead her life.

My sister arrives from London tomorrow and is staying for a week - I know we'll all be nice to each other but my W has already told me she is taking extra shifts at the restaurant while she is here. I can understand that she feels uncomfortable with my sister around, but what do I do when the girls go to bed. It's unfair on my sister as she'll be hanging around our house with the girls asleep. Outside of her parents - the only babysitter we have is out of town - her parents have made it clear that they won't be doing anything for me. I could try to get another babysitter - but having a special needs child most don't know how to handle them or get stressed. Guess the best way to handle it is to tell W - these are my plans and that if she is going to choose to work extra shifts, she'll need to find babysitting arrangements.

NYC.....

I have been reading along for some time now...and what I find is, that your story very closely resembles another poster that was here a few years ago.

When I read you, I think of him, and the climb that he has made out of some of the exact things you have asked, and have been through.....

FIB is an amazing guy, who lived with an extremely taunting, and difficult spouse.

Take some time and read his threads




http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...4825#Post754825



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