Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Too little, Too late.

WOW Purgatory, I thought I had a bad day, but Uncle, you win. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am very happy for you that your husband is showing concern (as he should) and you guys were able to talk as if you were friends again. I hope that things with your R continue in a positive direction.

Have a great holiday!

Hi PUR!!!

I want to give you a hug. ((((((HUG)))))

You are so courageous to be dealing as best you can with all that is happening You are in my thoughts and prayers. "the one above hears all".

Please take care of yourself and continue to focus on you.

Merry Christmas!!

Today was interesting??
I got up early to start cooking for Christmas Eve dinner. When H came into the kitchen, he said good morning and rubbed my back- he hasn't done that is over a month!! He didn't try to avoid me like he's been doing over the past few weeks and he initiated several chats with me... the whole time I kept saying in my head: 'it doesn't mean anything'. We went to a friends' house for dinner. He was chatty and friendly with me at that house as well. At one point, I was holding my baby to put him down for a nap, H came over to give him a kiss and put one hand on the small of my back (his face was only a few inches from mine... it took all my focus not to lean over and kiss him!) We played card games after dinner and my H was joking/and picking on me like he used to (he actually taught me to play cards in college and when I make a silly move, he always says: 'I didn't teach you to do that!') We got home late and put the kids to bed. He went to the couch to watch TV with his brother and seemed to barely notice when I went to bed. He didn't check on my tonight before he went to bed.... so, the 'good time' is over.
To make matters worse- he wore my favorite outfit (one that I picked out for him a few years ago)... it's almost like he was teasing me: "see what you can't have?!" I found myself strangely attracted to him A LOT today, time to turn that back off!

I guess I have now experienced the 'come close, push back' situation that I have heard so many people talk about on this board... it's not fun. On a positive note- he hasn't tried to talk about our separation papers in a few days... I know it's probably because his brother has been a good distraction, but I'm just glad I haven't had to walk down that slippery path of emotions this week

I have 1 more day with him before he leaves for his vacation without me... I really hope I can hold it together during the Christmas fun... knowing that this could be the last one as a family.

Hey Purgatory, I would say that you had a pretty amazing day with your H!! I think the positive things that he did today totally out weigh the negative. You are obviously doing something right

Maybe we should be mirroring our spouses when it comes to DBing because it seems to be innate to them i.e. your husband wearing the outfit that you picked out and really like. He knew exactly what he was doing when he picked out his outfit. I don't think he is teasing you I think he is trying to get you to chase him which obviously you know not to do.

I think we should change your name from purgatory to "Queen DBer."

I hope you have another amazing day tomorrow and in the weeks and years to come

Pur, I drove myself nearly crazy dissecting everything H did or didn't do, said or didn't say. Now I try to focus on me and the overall general feeling you get from the interaction.

Have a wonderful day with your family.

Journal:

I am having a battle in my head and heart right now. I just put my H and my 2 boys in his truck for a 13 hour drive to see his family.... I'm having the normal 'mommy' worries (car accident being the main one) and if something happens, I loose EVERYTHING that I love! I expressed this with H and he listened and didn't think I was being silly. He gave me a hug good-bye- nothing to fantastic, but at least it was something.

I did a bad thing. I was able to look on his computer while he was out (before they left) and I saw a few emails... Someone please slap me with the 2x4 now!! I'm irritated to see that he has been emailing a mutual friend (female) more often now, the content is harmless but he signs is "333" which I know to be "heart heart heart".... this pisses me off! He NEVER signed any email to me even when we were good!! I"m really trying not to confront this female friend... but it's a loosing battle!

I also saw an email he sent to himself about things he wanted to discuss in out MC sessions (this email was over 2 weeks ago, so I'm not sure if he still feels the same ways) but basically it laid out that: he wants to convince me that I have no chance ever again with him, he wants to let me know that my 'nice efforts' are a last ditch effort and they are not welcome, and he doesn't appreciate me walking around the house in 'various states of undress. it's unattractive' *I don't walk around naked. I usually sleep in just a tank top... I know of one time that I did it on purpose around him, but normally, it's an accident if he sees me in just that)
I am infuriated!!! I'm not sure what I should do at this point. Should I take these comments to heart and modify my behaviors? Should I just keep doing what I have been doing in the hopes that he'll see that it's not a last ditch effort? Does he really feel like there will never be a future for us?

I know that feelings come and go. In fact, these past few days I've really felt like we've been having fun... and then I see this. But I also have to tell myself that those thoughts/feelings were 2 weeks ago.... so there's a chance they are the same anymore. The only thing that has really changed in these 2 weeks is me getting notice that I may have a terminal diagnosis... I can only hope that this 'scare' might have sparked his feelings awake knowing that I might actually die. But then again, he might be thinking: "awesome, that's less alimony I have to pay out!" (I would hope he's not that heartless)

I don't know what to think right now! I know that I need to focus on myself and what makes me feel good. I'm packing for my trip that I leave on tomorrow so it's a decent distraction...... but the confusion about my H is really eating me up!!

Oh Purg, I am so sorry that you found those emails. A few months ago (before there was any type of discussion about us breaking up...) I looked at my W's email and found out she had signed up on match.com. She swore up and down that she was just trying to find "friends" in the area (I swear she thinks I am an effing idiot). I immediately contacted her and confronted her. Let's just say it did not go well at all. She turned it around on me and said that she could not believe that I would go through her email and than my head started spinning and I thought I was going to lose my mind. I would STRONGLY advise you against confronting either one of them. I guarantee you it is going to make your sitch so much worse.

Remember the advice that you gave to me about when my W comes home after spending 8 days with OW. She doesn't know that I know about her and I am going to try my absolute hardest to keep it that way because if I don't I know that I am totally screwed.

Like you said your husband could have changed his mind over the course of 2 weeks, but just in case he hasn't you need to start mentally bracing and figuring out how you are going to respond. It is actually a good thing that you found the email to his C because it buys you time to think. I know that if I had found out about OW while my W was here you probably would have heard me yelling all the way across the country.

It sounds like you might need to start pulling back again. When our spouses are being nice to us it is so easy to mentally slip right back into that relationship mode again, but trust me they are not there with us.

I can't even imagine what you are going through with your medical stuff and dealing with all of this R crap on top of it. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and although it doesn't feel like it right now somehow we are going to get through this.

(FYI I accidently posted this on barelyfloatings thread, sorry)

Definitely do not confront him our other W about their apparent relationship but do use this information to your advantage. Just brainstorming but if the other W is a mutual friend can you tell her how sad your kids are that you & H were not together over the holidays. It may be possible to get the OW to stop the R without confronting her. Even if they are "just friends" it does seem like they are inappropriately close right now.

I would also make sure this POW only sees your good side and you act like a real lady in front of her. I think you can put some guilt onto her.

Regarding email to C. I think you should take some of his points, the ones you can address & leave the rest. If he doesnt like what you wear to bed, change it and buy something new as a holiday gift to yourself that he may find sexy. Always wear makeup & look your best around him, let him see you are not falling apart put keeping it together.

You are doing great. I believe he will wake up and see a strong beautiful woman bravely fighting a sickness while raising two kids. Hang in there.

That suxx!

DB is for changing you and making you and your life better no matter what he thinks about it. I can imagine you are crushed by this but you can't unring that bell.

"I also saw an email he sent to himself about things he wanted to discuss in out MC sessions (this email was over 2 weeks ago, so I'm not sure if he still feels the same ways)"

Big discovery ^^^^ but.... this was 2 weeks ago and... then you kind of answer your own question below.

"I know that feelings come and go. In fact, these past few days I've really felt like we've been having fun... and then I see this. But I also have to tell myself that those thoughts/feelings were 2 weeks ago.... so there's a chance they are the same anymore."

I believe that feelings in one moment are shaped by past events and subject to influence by future events. So, sad as it may be, hang on and do your best to endure the emotional roller coaster that your sitch has become. I can say with absolute certainty that feelings are subject to change, whether they be good or bad. So, just know this and do your best DB'ng.

"The only thing that has really changed in these 2 weeks is me getting notice that I may have a terminal diagnosis... I can only hope that this 'scare' might have sparked his feelings awake knowing that I might actually die. But then again, he might be thinking: "awesome, that's less alimony I have to pay out!" (I would hope he's not that heartless)"

I'm sorry to hear of your potential illness, but surely you know that positive thinking is super important in these stressful times in your life. So, STOP the negative thoughts^^^^! Okay?

We're all here for you and each other and I will pray for your continued good health.

Hang in there!