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Not necessarily. You can't hinge your life on his choices. Do things for yourself and maybe not be around him so much.

Or it could be that he knows you feel that way about him and he's not willing to tell you back because he wants to keep the power that it gives him over you. You've already admitted that you feel rejected and scared 24/7, and that he's 'temporarily' in it...yet you're willing to accept that! That's a helluva way to hafta live with someone you love...and because of it you're not willing to tell the person that you love "I love you" anymore! Maybe he likes keeping you 'there'.
If I'm ever fortunate enough to have someone genuinely love me again, and I love them...I'll be damned if I ever won't tell them so!!!

I've admitted here that I feel that way (rejected and scared), he doesn't know that. Trust me, this R is just as dysfunctional as our M was in that respect. My feeling is that he is temorarily in it, he hasn't said that, but I don't trust that he isn't. That's just how it seems to me. I'm willing to accept it because it's better than the alternative. He knows I'm not going anywhere, that is not who I am. I'll stick it out until he leaves again. Next time I'm just not sure what might happen to me and Marc but, it is what it is.

The fear that rules my life has a super tight hold today. It's been a long time since I sat at my desk trying to hide the fact that I'm crying my heart out.

This stinks.

If not saying ILY to him makes you feel better, then don't.

But you've stated that he is not a particularly verbally affectionate person before I think, so if you are going to focus on anything, I'd say focus on his actions. He gets up and makes you breakfast, wakes Marc up, cuddles on the couch with you, etc. Maybe he likes to hear ILY but is not comfortable saying it.

Maybe you should just ask him whether he likes to hear it or would rather you demonstrate your affection in other ways. And/or just calmly state at some point that you didn't think his "thank you" response was appropriate.

Why are you still letting your fear control you? Courage isn't about not feeling fear, it's about acting in spite of it. Tackle some of these issues with yourself and with him. If you want to say ILY, then say it with no expectation that he is going to say it back, or will only do so infrequently.

(((Michelle)))

So work on that. Does it seem that way because of things he has done, or just through the lenses of your fear? You will manage. You will pull yourself together and find a way. Because you are strong enough.

Seems to be going around this week. Holiday stress?

Ummmm.....I'm surprised at all the rationalizing answers given here.

It's been my experience that men usually say what they mean and mean what they say. If a guy isn't saying "I Love You" back - it's usually because he doesn't!

So, unless everything else about his behavior towards you is speaking volumes about his unspoken love for you - I think it would be safe to assume that he is not in love with you.

That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like you, or wish he could feel love for you, or maybe he's too depressed to feel love for anyone - I don't know.

But if he was FEELING those IN LOVE feelings, he would have responded in kind.

Hi Mishka!

Well, I'm going to confess here that although my R with Josh was really great from the get go - He could not say "I love you". I said it first (and I even resisted for a while) and just as in your situation - he said "thank you". THANK YOU????? I was SO unimpressed. So confused by it. I NEEDED to hear it back so badly. But if he said it and wasn't sure - would that be better?

I said it whenever I really felt it and hoped he would say it back. But it took a long, long time. He was less experienced in the LOVE department than me and I think he was really afraid to say it - as though, somehow - that would change everything. I think he was pretty much a "commitment phobe".

Eventually, at long, long last - he DID say it. And when he did - he MEANT it!!!

So - my advice to you is to not give up on him based JUST on that. As you know - my R is really good, has lasted nearly 8 years, and I'm pretty sure we're in it for the long haul. But that was the most difficult thing to get past.

You will know if he is the right guy based on other things. And hopefully - he WILL say it. When he is ready.

Barb

The complication of being in love with my xh and living with him day in/day out, being a 'couple' without knowing if it means anything at all is so wearing on me.

So wearing in fact that I broke last night. All the walls came crashing down and the smile dropped off my face right in front of him. I was trying to hide that I was crying while I was putting laundry away but he caught it. He asked why I was crying and I couldn't speak. I just broke....you know, like a dam breaking. It became racking sobs that were ripping me apart. He put his arms around me and held me while I cried for what appeared to him to be no reason. I finally did choke out that apparently there were just too many years of bottled up emotion and it finally spilled out. I didn't feel it was the right time to tell him what I was feeling about him. It seemed like it would be manipulative to him while I was crying. That is something that needs to be discussed in a calm, rational manner.

Like kml said, I'm sure he likes me but I don't know that it could be considered love. I'm good enough for some things but not good enough to be commited to. It's really depressing to know that.

Uh, you don't KNOW anything! You have your own ideas of what he thinks and feels and,if you're anything like me, can blow them into fantastic truths that may have little basis in fact! What would he have to do to let you know that you are what you want to be to him...seriously. I'm wondering whether it's him or you (probably both). In following your sitch Mish, it seems often when he does something loving you toss doubts upon it. Is that him or you?
Hey, you're going through a tough time. Money pressures often have a huge impact on our feelings about other things. Is there a way to stop yourself from thinking for a bit? You're just going in circles right now. Maybe focus on relaxing rather than on figuring out your R right now. Just some thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em You're in my prayers.

Thanks Wii, you're right, I need to stop thinking right now. There are FAR too many pressures and sources of pain currently to think about any of it. Last year, Christmas was tough beause mom had died just a month before. This year, it's hitting me much harder. Wrapped up in that is grief for the loss of my father 25 years ago that I never really fully grieved because I was just expected to 'carry on as normal'. Money pressure, feeling like a disgusting pig, and not feeling like I can get a grip on anything is just making it all too much.

Anyone know of a nice, warm, cozy hole I could crawl in for a few months?