Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Living in the trenches....Thread #5

One suggestion Navy... don't question her self-absorbedness. There's no point. It's highly unlikely that she'll say, "Gee Navy... you're right, I am so selfish, what am I thinking!".

What I've done with success so far is to simply tell my W what I want her to do. I don't accuse her of an agenda or being bad. I don't villify what has happened or she's done. I simply tell her the impact I see from her behavior and what I would like her to do. I should say this applies to everything except getting a divorce part of things. That's R talk and I leave it alone.

But my W was really getting terrible about paying the kids any attention when she is out, and she's out far more often than she ever has been. I got sick of picking up the pieces of broken heart when the kids, especially SS and SD, had to go to bed and had not talked to mom in two or three days. So I told my W that when she's out and doesn't call for days it deeply bothers the children, especially SS and SD. And that I would appreciate it if she would call the children, at least once a day events permitting, when she is gone.

I won't lie, this convo ticked my w off. But you know what? Since then she's called every night she's been away from the home and the kids are home. So, while she might be mad at me some still, at least I stopped having to glue hearts together because mom is on her way to another music drunkfest.

Navy

it's more about YOUR needs and not about her failings. I mean, you have rights too, and needs and wants and feelings.

She's been cruel to you and incredibly unforgiving. I have no idea what her frame of reference is for "abuse" but she's blind to her abuse of you.

Her views are so skewed I think you are going to be suffering forever if you wait for HER to feel compassion for you.

Figure out what you can handle, give yourself a timeline even if only an internal unexpressed one. Make a plan. Don't wait to leave til you have nothing left inside for her.

B/C IF there's a chance for her to change, she might only after you leave or give her an ultimatum...

so IF she changes, you want to be able to forgive HER...make sense?

I really think that IF there is hope in this sitch, you have to change tactics.

So don't do what doesn't work, for too long, and then just end it.

Make sense?

Lying here in bed alone again. W has continued with the unpleasantries.

25...yes it makes sense. I really do understand what you mean when you say I need to make sure I can still forgive W. I realize I am being abused and that I do not deserve this...even if I had done something far worse, I probably still wouldnt deserve this. I have no idea how she justifies her actions in her head...i mean she took my kids from me for 3 months. How can she possibly think I deserved that?

I don't have my plan of action yet, but I am going to try to put something together this week. It is so hard...every time I think of something my mind thinks about our kids. I realize that them seeing this platonic marriage is probably not good for them, but i can't take an action I know will hurt them either.

Part of me wonders if shes just going to keep pushing until I get to my breaking point...then she won't be the bad guy.

Blah.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am so thankful to have found this site and for all the wonderful people I've "met" here. I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday and lots of turkey!!!

Well, I'm still out here. Things seem to be back on an upward trend...I'm going to try to take it a bit slower this time...not sure I'll put up with another downturn though. Very nervous about the holidays. Heading home seems to stress my W out every year, without fail...but she won't even consider spending Christmas anywhere else. I'm not too worried that W would stay there like she did last year...and I certainly won't put up with that again....that would be a "deal-breaker", as we like to say.

Also wanted to share this with everyone...I watched "Crazy, Stupid, Love" this past weekend. What a great movie. I teared up more than once, while laughing at the same time. It made me feel great about my decision to fight for my marriage...for my sake, my wife's sake, and our kids' sake. I even found myself looking at Steve Carell's actions from a DB perspective...what things he was doing right, and what he was doing wrong. Check it out if you haven't seen it. I think there's something for everyone on here in the movie.

I heard the movie was quite good.

Is this something you should watch with your WAS?

Nah, just watch it for yourself. If you ask a WAS to watch it you're just wasting your time and you'll be expecting a reaction that probably won't be there. If you suggest it the WAS will just assume you're trying to "fix" them.

Hey Navy! Just watched that movie on Saturday night myself. I thought the exact same thing. And it had me in tears a few times as well. Hit very close to home.

Anyway, I'm not up with your sitch all the way, but based upon this one post, it sounds like you and I are still very much in a similar boat. I too am at a point where I don't think that I will accept another step back... but things are on an upward trend right now. LOL...

Hang in there!

BITS
Denver

I went to see it while it was still in the theater and it was tough to watch at times, but overall I enjoyed it. I went with a friend who knew my sitch and she kept checking on me to see if I was ok. I would recommend watching it alone, your WAS won't get the same out of it.

Hey everyone, just stopping by for an update. Things have been really good lately. We even had an argument the other night about how to handle something D6 did...we both listened to each others' sides and came to an agreement on what we wanted to do. It was the first time since this started where I felt that W made an effort to see my side of things, yet still felt comfortable holding her ground on her side of things. A pretty big step, IMO.

We are heading back to CO for the holidays again. Funny...I will probably be spending anniversary of our original blow-up in the same room it happened in. Not sure how I feel about that. On the positive side...I didn't think we'd make it a year after that happened.

W usually writes a Christmas letter about our family every year to put in our Christmas cards. Last year I wrote it...she just wasn't into it. This year she wrote it, and I thought i'd share it here. It definitely made me tear up a little when I considered where we were a year ago:

"Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season. This year has been a busy year for us.
H – H has completed his first year working in DC. H continues to be presented with encouraging words and prospects that benefit his career in the Navy. H’s work continues to impress his senior officers and one of the officer’s recommended H be given his choice of a new job in the area because, “he has already learned all there is to know about his current job”. If he takes a new job, that would extend our time in DC an extra year. He was also selected to be a Flag Aide for an Admiral for the month of January, 2012. While he won’t be traveling with the Admiral, this means long hours for him in a very demanding job, but will be great experience and will help his career. He has also been encouraged to put in for a position with a Seabee battalion for our next duty station. Each of these opportunities help H’s career in the military and he should have no problem making it to retirement. H has done well in his career and has worked hard to get where he is today. We are thankful that his hard work has not gone unnoticed. H plays soccer in an indoor and outdoor league with our longtime friend J, and one of their teams won the championships! H has gone mountain biking a few times since we have been here, but has spent much of his free time playing with the kids and helping around the house.
W – This has been a busy year for me. When D6 went into Kindergarten, I thought I would have more free time since she’d be in school most of the day. However, the older the kids get, the more activities that come along with it. In between running the kids to school and all their lessons, I am also a full-time student at X University working towards a Bachelors degree in Paralegal Studies. I have managed to maintain an “A” average since starting and I continually receive rave reviews on my writing abilities. I’m beginning to question the educational standards of this institution! However, their compliments are encouraging and I think I might actually finish my degree this time. I have recently entertained the thought of going on to law school. I must be going crazy! Those who know me can attest to my disdain for school and are probably wondering the same thing about me right now. We’ll see how ambitious I’m feeling after I graduate. Aside from the kids, school, and housework, I find little time for much else. In my free time, I get together with friends whenever possible. I’ve managed to do some traveling on my own this year to Ohio, New Orleans, and Kansas to spend time with close friends and loved the break. It was great to get home and see the kids again though. The kids continue to be the priority of my life and we have a lot of fun. The kids and I are learning Russian together and they are doing well. I’m the one holding them up.
D6 – D6 has grown so much and I don’t know how we got here. It seems like only yesterday she was learning to walk. We celebrated D6’s 6th Birthday this year at Chuck-E-Cheese. D6 was so happy that SIL, BIL, and their D were able to attend her birthday party. D6 has entered Kindergarten this year and is thriving. She is in the top of her class and is making many friends. We are allowed to go have lunch with her at school whenever we want and have taken advantage several times. We are very impressed with D6’s school. I was elected as a classroom parent for D6’s class and it has been fun seeing D6 and her classmates interact with the teachers and each other. She can read pretty much anything you put in front of her and she could spend hours writing and drawing. D6 finished another season of soccer and swimming lessons and has also taken up Tae Kwon Do. We are very pleased with her progress and motivation. D6 loves Tae Kwon Do and will not be satisfied until she receives her black belt. She passed her first belt test and is now a yellow belt! D6: “We will have the best day ever. And I’ll have fun with Christmas. And I am so excited to go to Colorado for Christmas to visit my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.” D6 loves to play games on the Wii and on the computer. D6 can now work the computer and navigate to her favorite websites on her own. Now if only I could get her to friend me on Facebook! Just kidding.

S3 – S3 is as cute as ever and makes our hearts happy all day long. S3 is potty trained…when he wants to be. We took a trip with H’s mom to NY to visit Great Grandma and Great Grandpa for Thanksgiving this year. S3 managed to go without an accident the entire time! Now that we are back at home, he has regressed a bit. He has days without incident and days where he refuses to use the potty. I know he can do it and also realize he will do it when he’s ready to make the transition. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m excited for him to take that step. S3 knows the alphabet, can count to 100, and is anxious to know as much as D6. He cannot wait to be older than D6. I have tried to explain to him that he will never be older than her, but never underestimate the will of a younger brother. He’s determined that he will be older and bigger than D6 someday. S3 also loves playing games on the Wii and on the computer. His competitive nature comes alive when playing games. The 3 year old comes out anytime he doesn’t come in first. S3 is also in Tae Kwon Do and is so much fun to watch. He is fearless and cannot wait to get his green belt and blue belt and red belt and black belt! S3 expressed an interest in playing soccer, so we will sign him up as soon as he is old enough…probably next fall. S3 loves his stuffed animals and is especially attached to Baby Penguin, Blue Angry Bird, Fluffy (horse pillow pet), and Circle Baby (mini turtle pillow pet). S3 is so cute with them, but rules with an iron fist.
We have so much fun playing with the kids, teaching them new things, watching them grow, and learning from them. We are thankful for God’s many blessings on our family and look forward to all He has in store for us.
I hope everyone has found much to be thankful for this holiday season and we pray for your continued health, happiness, and success in the following year.

Love,
W, H, D6, and S3"

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas...make the best of it no matter what your situation....for yourself and your kids, if you have them.

I have been so blessed to have found this website and all the wonderful people here...Denver, 2step, gritter, 25, Harrier, Jack, FOBD, mach1, cat, zg, LIS, CS, karma, sandi, and anyone I missed and everyone else here...thank you all from the bottom of my heart. The gift you have given me truly defines the word invaluable.

Things are looking pretty good...but no matter what happens down the road I know I am going to be ok. God bless you all.