Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Carefully moving forward from H's mlc - ctflor

CTflor,

Its really hard to let go... but it starts with forgiveness. Here are some of my thoughts that helped me let OW go:

1. When I thought about OW and H initially, I would get so angry that I would start thinking of revenge - finding ways to get back, etc. Then I started realizing that if I did so, that would result in two things:
a. H would hate me for it, it would reinforce his belief that I was bad
b. I would do things against my own values and belief in God

So I decided that I will let go, and God will take care of it for me. He did say that He will take care of punishing sinners, right (I can't remember the exact scripture). In a way I thought about it as being a "win-win" situation.

2. I realized that thinking and letting OW dominate my mind was like drinking poison.... poison for our R. What worked so hard for. I might as well give H to OW if thats the case, on a silver platter. I didn't want to do that.....

And of course, being Catholic, I believe in my vows, in the sacramental nature of marriage, and it helps me stop thinking in ways that could sabotage it.

You have all the right thoughts, Ctflor. I myself really fully realized exactly why OW is a symtpom of dysfunctional M's. Read my post in piecing, CT. Go there, read about how a lot of us are struggling with letting go of OW. Piecing is really hard, but don't give up, you are so close. It is normal to get those memories flooding back, but those calm times will get longer, and longer, and slowly, a semblance of normaly will come back. I think you are doing well, keep it up.

Stop looking at her facebook, by the way. Although I have to admit, for me I did look but it has come to a point that even if I do, I no longer feel pain, just a little low elevl anger once in a while.

While H is very adamant about piecing our m back together,goes to the church for talks with the priest, and has been more loving and attentive than ever to me...

I STILL feel like a bomb will go off at any time. I want to be happy and feel secure, but anxiety builds up in me and I start crying and shaking. Is this PTSD?

This afternoon I was not feeling good and went to lay down for a nap. He came in and laid next to me and was rubbing my back.

Then he said, "I was thinking I'd like to renew our vows next year and we can have a 2nd honeymoon"

I just felt FEAR

I worry that he's going to let me down.

Ctflor, I get the fear. My gf was in a 17 year rel. with a guy, who went MLC, and then after she detached, he came back with a new engagement ring, but he'd done "no work" , so to speak, and wanted that quick symbolic fix. She said no. She still resists him because she can't trust him.

I've been the recipient of "can we renew our vows", said in front of best friends, and then destroyed when he then 2 months later took OW to meet those friends as if our 23 year marriage never happened.

I don't know what to tell you other than this: 1. Your fears are 100% justifiable. 2. He might be telling the "truth" and not ever hurt you again. 3. He might not. 4. My meditation training says that we only have the present moment in our lives, and we must make the most of the present and not be shackled to the past and future. Therefore, what feels to YOU to be OK in the present is the way you should "go."

How do you feel RIGHT NOW???

I was just thinking awhile ago ....

In Sept when he said he wanted to work on our M, I said, "You'll have to let go of ow or we can't really move forward"

So ....He has fully moved forward and let her go and I see that...

But now I can't let ow go. I know that now it's my turn to let her go or this just isn't going to work.

I blew up the other day and I'm ashamed of it but I had been holding it in so long.

I said some things about OW to him..... and he rolled his eyes and said "that's over, I don't like talking about her.. I was an idiot and I don't want to hear about her".

I've said some very nasty things about ow to him as well...

I just want to let her go.

Right now tonight, I feel angry and I feel worried and fearful.

Ok but just because HE says he's over her, and he was an idiot, well, so what? I remember hearing this, "I'm not broken" in the same week that OW was revealed.

What he needs to understand is that he said all kinds of stuff that was probably affirming that turned out not to be.

I mean, if he's 100% truthful now, GREAT. But you aren't the person who can buy it.

I don't know what it takes for you to believe it. I'm very sorry for you, in a way, because as much as I'd like to hear what you are hearing, I'd be just as fearful as you.

Do you have a counselor to talk to? I feel like talking to anyone "here" who is so destroyed by someone's actions and betrayal might make things worse ;-)

I'm so sorry if my post comes off negative. Please understand this is my OWN fears talking. I probably should not give you advice. I am so afraid of being hurt again or others I know being hurt again that I view everything through that lens.

I wanted to respond to you as I know you are stuck, but I don't think I am helping AT ALL. I'm sorry. I will pray that you find your way. That's the best I can do.

It's okay Antonia. I totally get where you are coming from. It's really hard to read some of the posts on the forum and not get emotional. I appreciate your input. Even when I don't agree with others, everyone gives me something to think about.

H went to church to talk to Fr. again. He came home feeling very happy and I was happy to see H in a good place. I'm starting to see some changes in H, but part of me doesn't want to accept that they are real. These changes have been positive.

He has been more attentive, more focused, and happier. I just think the fear comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop. H and I were talking about that and he says he totally understands how I'm feeling right now and wants to work through this with me.

Packed more boxes and moved them to storage...

I felt somewhat shakey, emotionally today but for the most part, I'm OK.

That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I see h making these changes, and listening to him talk... but part of me is like... yeah right!

I'm afraid if I continue to show him my disbelief, he will become discouraged in some way and that he will give up, even on himself.

Exactly! Please give him time, and yourself as well.

Do nto allow yourself to go on to bittersville....


Just when your H is becoming positive, you turn the other way. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

May I remind you to remember what love is? Is the question "what best for the other person?" or is it "whats in it for me?"

Because I feel that the second question is all you are concentrating on.....

MLC has changed h, a lot.

He is more emotional than he used to be.

He seems more fearful about our relationship not working out.

His energy has changed.

He wants to go to church more, and seems to be going through a deep transition inside.

He is happier, but he is also in touch with some painful and deep emotions.

At this time he describes himself as being:

Clear
Happier than he has been in a long time
Closer to his spirituality
Sees what we truly have in our marriage
Sad and guilty about what he did


My H and I have never prayed together until last night. We have never just held hands, or sat and prayed. But last night we did. His mom is sick, and so i started a novena for her. He asked to join me. When it was over, we laid down together and I said, "I wonder if we should pray for our relationship" and he got a big smile on his face and said, "I was thinking about that too". And he said, "How about now?" and I let him lead the prayer. He prayed that we grow closer together, that we are each healed, and that we come through this with much guidance.

I was amazed at the strength and the energy I felt surrounding us.

Angel it's so hard to believe he has "changed" as he says he has, because I think it's all too fast. The turn around, that is. I see people who have taken years to come out of MLC so I guess I'm not trusting of it. but I realize that if I don't try to trust his process.... that he will begin to doubt himself and I don't want that to happen.