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Notice a theme here? All your dreams are about travelling. Let's brainstorm about how this might be possible in the future:

- maybe someday you could take a job on a cruise ship? Or join the Peace Corps? Or work for an airline?

- maybe you could fulfill some of your travel dreams by driving around the U.S. couch-surfing with friends?

- maybe someday you could take a job in another part of the U.S.?

- maybe you could start a change jar to save for your dream vacation ($100 a year for 10 years would get you an off-season plane ticket to London or some such destination, and maybe you could stay with online friends or swap houses?)

- maybe you could have some of the international experience you desire by joining couchsurfing.org - international traveler's come crash with you for a day or two, and you would get the fun of experiencing international visitors while at the same time making friends who may host you some day - check it out!

Also - you talk about your regrets about choices you made - but you are way younger than me, it is not too late to pursue your dreams. I had classmates in medical school who were older than you. You're smarter and more capable than you were when you were twenty, if you want to learn a new skill today you probably can. Don't limit yourself.

(Incidentally - funny story about making those poster board collages with pictures of the things you want to attract into your life: My friend did this years ago. He was a young man, married (not so happily) with two small kids, teaching and living in a rather barren part of California's central valley. On his board, he had pics of living by the ocean in a lush green environment. So then his house burns down, he loses everything he owns, his wife dumps him, and he ends up moving to Mendocino and starting a restaurant with his brother. He now lives in that picturesque little beach community with a view of the ocean from his bedroom window - everything he wanted on his posterboard, but that wasn't exactly the way he intended to get it, lol!)

There isn't anything saying that you will get to where you need to be in a fashion that you prefer. Lol

Good to still to get there.

Ok, so now I'm scared to make a posterboard kml!!

Just dropping in to say hi. Nothing new to report, no movement on any front. I've been applying for part time jobs but nothing yet (even in the seasonal jobs). I've made myself available every evening and all weekend every weekend on every application but still haven't had any bites. That is curious. I've been in customer service industries my whole life so the jobs I'm applying for are perfect with my skill set. Maybe there is something I'm missing. We're not talking about full time skill jobs here, just cashier work and the like.

Waaaaa! COP OUT. This is not about YOU. This is about the girl. Are you really going to fall apart, shut down, and abandon her? Or are you going to try to help her, nurture her, support her? You can SEE she has potential. You can't let her down like that. What if it was Marc? HOW DO YOU HELP HER? HOW DO YOU GUIDE HER? WHAT DO YOU TRY TO GET HER INTERESTED IN?

First, how are you applying? If you're applying online (most large companies now seem to require that you start there) then you still need to go into the store, speak to the manager, tell them you're interested and that you've already filled out an online app. This is how it worked when my kids applied to the grocery store chains.

Second - ask a GOOD friend (the kind who will tell you the truth) to critique your interview outfit/appearance. Are you presenting as a put-together, competent, positive, professional person? If this stuff isn't your forte (it's sure not mine!) ask your friend to help you with a makeover.

Third - ask a friend to vet your resume.

Fourth - keep plugging at it, it's darn tough out there!!!

OT - I'm not trying to cop out at all, I honestly have no idea what I would say to that girl. I'm not equipped to be any kind of mentor or be a support to a young, impressionable girl. I'd be too scared that what I said would hurt her or send her in the wrong direction.

My advice to her would be to seek out a wise counselor at either school or our church who could help her find her gifts and talents. I could introduce her to some influential people in the community who could be trusted to help. Knowing what she is best at could help guide her down a path to her future.

That is all I could tell her.

kml - I've done all of the above regarding applying. It's still early in the process though. I have a full time and then some job, I just need to supplement it desperately.

I've been trying the online survey stuff but no one is actually paying in real money, only in online credit with a value toward magazines and crud. I don't need stuff like that! I need cash. Grrrr....so many scams and ways to get email addresses. The one reputable survey company that actually pays isn't taking applications. Sigh.

Is it the time of year? I love fall but with the holidays coming like a freight train I'm starting to panic.

You all know the saga of our family Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve traditions. We don't think there will be as many coming this year as usual but we know for certain that neither of us has the money to be supplying most of the dinner for everyone either. I have a free turkey coming from one of Gabe's jobs for Thanksgiving and one of my clients always sends Honeybaked gift certificates for Christmas. Thankfully, that is a nice chunk out of the budget for the holidays. The sides aren't nearly as expensive as the meat and I feel very blessed to have these given to us.

We typically try to get each person to bring a side dish but it doesn't always work out that way. We'll see just how 'potluck' we can really make this. LOL!

Just a tip (with a warning disclaimer) - If you haven't seen Pintrest you have to check it out! My cousin invited me to participate and it's so much fun. Basically it's an online cork board with ideas, dreams, DIY stuff. SO COOL! I found the greatest Christmas gift to make for everyone. Originally I was going to make cheesecakes for every family but that is just too much time that I don't have. I'm making tile coasters using napkins for the tops. It's a pretty easy project.

Disclaimer - this site can be like crack! It's completely addictive!

If you are on the alt you can contact me for an invite.

An early Happy Thanksgiving to you all! I hope you fill it with warmth and love.

This has been a very hard week for me. A few things have happened that just really got to me and I can't decide why they hurt so much or why I let them get to me in the first place. There is a real possibility that my mental state has slipped FAR back to a dark place. It's not good.

The other night the TV was on and there was a commercial for Golden Corral saying they were having Thanksgiving dinner and breakfast on Black Friday. Gabe said, "Hey, that sounds like a good idea. Would it be ok if I just went there?" That stabbed me like a knife in the heart. He would rather go to a restaurant and have Thanksgiving dinner by himself that come and have dinner with me and my family? Why? It just really hurt and I didn't say anything about it because I was afraid I was going to break down if I did. Later that night, after I had taken melatonin and was nearly asleep my subconscious got the better of me and I spouted out, "You really want to go to Golden Corral for Thanksgiving?" I think I got teary eyed too but I was half asleep so all my walls were down. He looked surprised and said, "You actually thought I was serious about that?" Well, he sounded serious! So, my bad for not clarifying at the time but I was afraid of the answer.

Second, my cousin and I always get together the week before any holiday and make a menu and then figure out who is making what. This year she didn't call me about getting together so I sent her a text asking here when would be good. Apparently I've been replaced by another family member this year. They got together and made the menu and didn't even include me on the list of what to bring. She told me to come up with whatever I wanted to bring and told me what they already had. The one thing in this world I'm actually good at I've been replaced in. That hurt horribly. I know, it's stupid. I'm sure they just did it because they know how broke I am and didn't want me to feel obligated, but this is something I enjoy doing and they know that. It just feels like they are pushing me out of the family holiday. This has put me back into some bad places from my childhood. I was the second to the youngest grandchild on my mom's side of the family. I have 16 first cousins on that side, and we were together all the time. The problem is that there is a 10 year gap between me and my next oldest cousin. Because of that I've always felt like the unwanted pain in the butt little cousin who was just an annoyance. That had gone away once I finally got into my late teens, they accepted me as 'one of them'. Now, it's starting to feel like I'm they family nuicance again. It weighs heavy on my heart and I just want to crawl into a blanket and stay on my couch and not participate on anything. Crud! Just typing all of this out is making me cry but I really feel like I need to dump it to get past it.

Lastly, my BFF since we were 16 years old has been MIA. I've called, texted, sent emails and she isn't responding. I know she's busy but it's been over 2 weeks since we last spoke and that was for less than 2 minutes and she said she'd call me back and never has. It's very rare for us not to talk at least for a few minutes every week. My mind keeps racing wondering what I did or said that has pissed her off or if she is just tired of me. Heck, I'm tired of me. The last several times we've talked I just listened to her and made suggestions and comments. I tell her I'm fine and just plugging along - nothing to report. She's heard all my stupid nonsense before - she doesn't need to hear it all again. Nothing has changed so why rehash it?

So sorry this is so long, if you read this far...I'm sorry. Just trying to dump some of this out of my head and move on from it. It's felt like I'm circling the toilet bowl for the last week.

awww mishka, so sorry you are having such a hard time...the stinken holidays bring out the worst feelings when your dealing with what all of us are. I feel horrible for you..

I think, and this is just my thoughts, thats its easier to just dwell on the bad negative stuff and give in to the wallowing instead of sucking it up and acting "as if"...I know thats how it is for me, and I also have been having a hard time lately after what I thought were some really big steps forward. It feels like ive sunk right back into the hole and am doing all the things that I know are not healthy or positive..

I know its easier said then done but try not to take things personal, I tend to take everything personal when Im feeling vulnerable and usually its just not the case...;but i do get the feeling that people just get sick of hearing about it, thank god we have this board to vent on!!...

I hope you have a wonderfull thanksgiving, I am forceing myself to cook the usual even though it will be just me and my boys...I dont want them to remember this thanksgiving as the one when mom was having her breakdown!!..:)

You will be in my prays tonight
Peace

(1) Gabe felt comfortable enough with you to make a joke about him being uncomfortable with your family. That's a GOOD thing. You were scared and said something, and he REASSURED you. That's a GOOD thing.

(2) Who knows why your cousins did what they did? Rather than mindreading, moping, and no doubt going in for some passive aggressive stuff, be direct: Thanks for all your hard work, I LOVE doing Thanksgiving, get me back in the loop next year. Why not ASSUME they were trying to support you. OR, maybe they just wanted to team up this year. This doesn't say anything about you, ya know?

(3) It is VERY egocentric to make your BFFs actions about you. Almost certainly she has something major going on in her life and has no emotional resources left to spend time with anyone in a good or bad way. This happens in our lives sometimes. If you don't give her space that she needs because of your neediness, it is kind of selfish. It is also not so nice to doubt and mistrust someone you've been friends with most of your life. Leave her a SINCERE voicemail: BFF -- whatever is going on, I know we'll be OK. So please don't stress about me. I just want you to know that I'm here to support you in anyway you need, whether that is margaritas and movies or a shoulder to cry on. Detach to allow space for real intimacy and friendship.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Take the opportunity to make something NEW and INCREDIBLE to bring that you would never have done if you were preparing 10 other things. Fun!!! I'm doing a new strawberry pie this year and thought about doing carmelized onion tarts. Look at this recipe: http://ofbaking.com/2011/10/03/ridiculously-good-caramelized-onion-tart/