Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again The not so Waste Land

Hey Harrier, whats up with you? YOu haven't been posting!

And I’m still alive and I will survive
I can take what life’s got to give
Just need a little time
And I’m still alive, talking that some ol’ jive
I can handle what comes my way
Just gimme another day - Social Distortion

That pretty much sums it up. I occasionally dispense my advice one the newcomers board...so as not to get back on moderation.

I thought about doing a grand update, but I'm still sorting through things.
Highlights: still married, no talk of divorce, in regular MC, w started to do thing with me, in full DB mode now.
Lowlights: living apart, W still says things like "no matter how it turns out," had a rough couple days.

Long time coming update.

I have been active in the newcomer's forum. Dispensing advice..this time not from a viewpoint of what people should be doing according to any rules, but from a view point of my own situation.

Things are much the same to my chagrin.

Recap: I moved out on 9/1/11 (or so) as part of an agreement with my wife. Since then we've been living apart, but we have dinner @ least 2X week as a family and I usually stay the whole weekend @ our house. the first month was good, a lot of growth positive feelings on both ends. Second month -- not so much. Third month - again not so much.
For various reasons we didn't see our MC from Oct. 9 to Dec. 8.

Our last session on Dec. 8 was a little rough b/c we were bringing things to the surface that had been percolating for 2 months. Opened some old wounds I think.

Mainly my W is not ready to have me move back. I was crushed and lashed out a little. Our MC suggested we needed to communicate our feelings a little more with each. Funny for us because a lot of people here thought we talked too much this summer.

Saturday night, my W initiates an R talk based on the MC recommendations. It was rough.

The pertinent points. (DBed the cr@p out of the talk)

1. She really has a lot of anger @ me for my bad 10 months in 2010. She also is made @ me for "snooping" on her for years. she never felt like she had any privacy and basically gave that up.

2. She doesn't know if she can get over that.

3. She is emotionally exhausted from all this.

4. She doesn't know if she wants to go back to our MC because he dredges up stuff. Same with an IC.

5. She needs more time to process everything.

6. She feels like I'm pressuring her to move back in & to some extent our MC is as well.

7. As stated, she isn't ready to have me move back in because she feels some anxiety when I'm there. She is trying to work on this by having me around as much as she does. This have improved, but not enough to have me back.

8. If I told her she had to make a decision, it would be divorce. (Of course she gets very mad, if I suggest this.)

9. She told me a really shitty thing the OM did, but it helps explain some things. In the height if the EA (W had a 3-4m EA), I accidentally called OMs number once. I also went to his office once when she was dropping off something for him (Their printed emails). I was checking up on her and she saw me in the hallway outside is offices.
I had no idea he was there and neither did my W. But he heard me in the hallway.

So the guy freaks out a little. Starts to get concerned that I'm crazy and going to do something. My W calmed him down, but he told his good friend about it; who happens to be my W's other really close mentor. I'm pretty sure he omitted why I might be peeved at him. So I look like the crazy, jealous husband (at the time I was, but I thought I had a good reason )

But as much as I wanted to confront this guy and tell his wife about his actions, I didn't come close to it. Per the board and my own ideas about things. Plus the guy is way bigger than me.
But it creates a weird situation at work for her the she has to navigate.

10. My W acknowledged my changes. She said that since I have stopped snooping she is trusting me a lot more in that regard. and that trust helps build some of her old feelings for me. But she still wonders if they are to save the M although she thought they weren't fully to save the M.

11. She told me the one thing I could do was back off about moving back in.

12. During one really emotional part of the talk, my W was talking about her EA. She looked me straight in the eye and said "I am so sorry." I just said thank you for saying that. I have made it a personal point to never bring it the EA in a fight or R talk.

13. She offered to move out - for numerous reason. Which I think is a actually a good idea.

During the talk there were a lot of points where I had to force myself to be quiet. I remembered all the things about how women don't necessarily want their Hs to "fix" things. I did a lot of listen and just validating.

For example. She said that maybe it would be easier to just get divorced because she could just step away from the situation. I said that "I don't want that, but I understand how you would feel that" Right after the words left my mouth she immediately back track on what she just said.

It wasn't a total DB effort. She was talking about how she was worried that I might get jealous again and said that her EA was really the first time she worked with man and She didn't know how I'd behave when she went to work with another man. (I gently pointed out that with the exception of one job after she graduate - she has been working with men exclusively for about 10 years.) But after that I went back into the mode and said "I could see how you might feel that way."

so the talk winds down and she said she's going to bed. She leaves the room. Then comes back and says this "I want you to not try to read too much into the stuff I said or be worried I'm am just at my really depressed and pessimistic right now."

Sunday- we had a fabulous day with the family. Got the tree, made cookies. My W had to go into work to get some stuff (She also thought about doing some work here, but put it off) She eventually had to go in - mainly because her wallet was a work. But made it quick. She said she was glad she didn't work and got to have some family time. She also said that she should "probably stop checking my work email, during the weekends." LOL.

So that's it. I'm sure there is stuff I've omitted.

I think this sounds positive but then I've only seen my H about 5 times in 9 months.

You are:
-still together
-MC
-talking
-family time
-she said she was sorry about EA

okay Harrier, I found your thread!




Check out Retrovaille online and see what you think and the comments I posted somewhere else today about it.

She does not know how to let go of the past. And neither did I. It's huge.

I think it's also key to 90% of those who end up happy after a big crisis.

The rest are probably spiritually more evolved than me, but mostly I think learning to let go of injustices done to us, real and imagined, is a hard thing to do. Especially when we are "right" to be hurt.

My h did some things that I believe, "objectively", were pretty selfish. Even in retrospect when I see his side of things, there's no way to describe some of his choices another way. My point is, okay, he was selfish...So then what?

Does that mean I MUST leave the m? See, we all have flaws. Not all of them go away...

what can you live with and what must you let go of? Same for her. And of course counting your blessings helps.

At Retrovaille you will hear couples who had MUCH worse things in their m's going on and yet found their way back to good strong marriages.

puts it all in perspective.

((( )))

Harrier,

I don't know if you want my thoughts here. I'm obviously no expert. Our threads sort of parted ways months ago and I figured that might have been someone's idea of conflict resolution, so I kept a low profile and worked on my situation. Nevertheles you took time to offer some good advice when I started here on the board, and I really appreciate that.

Like labug, I see some positives in all this. The day you got the tree and made cookies sounds great. And her saying she ought so not check work emails during family time is, in my opinion, a good sign. I don't remember you mentioning how things were before the EA, but you've certainly been working hard ever since. It seems like you're patient and manage to listen without reacting. That's not easy and your W has to see that, right?

Of course, I don't have to imagine what it feels like to endure a W's EA at work. Sure we shouldn't snoop around and get angry and pursue. And yeah, it's not attractive. But isn't all that completely normal? Not helpful, but normal? It's a bit like hitting someone in the nose and blaming them for bleeding. If the LBS can forgive the EA shouldn't they be able to forgive us for our reaction to it? I'm not saying we get a free pass but maybe don't beat yourself up so much - you're taking this seriously and doing a heck of a job DBing.

Your W says she is exhuasted from dealing with all of this. I'm sure she is. Things must be awkward at her office. She's not been honest with her coworkers, letting them believe your behavior just came out of nowhere. Seems like she's living....well not really two lives, but maybe two versions of the same life. She seems to have the kind of stress that comes from not being able to make a decision.

Maybe that's good for now....let her see the changes and get to a place where "if she was forced to decide now..." it would be to save the M. But a some point, sometime, she's going to have to make a decision...

take care and enjoy those kids.

First of all. Thank you for taking your time.



Thanks again.

Hey Harrier, you got really good advice from 25! Loved reading through it too.

Last weekend, at Retrouvaille, the presentors said to remember that our old M is dead. That really got to my H! He felt like it gave him so much hope that our new M will do well.

What does that mean? That one of the things that makes him think our M will not make it is the fact that we could get caught in all the wrong things we did in the past, and thus sabotage whatever progress we are making.

Just backing up 25 on what she said about IC's and MC's making it worse when they bring up the past.....

Oh boy!

Okay, I would like a little advice here.

So this weekend was a normal good weekend. My wife had to do some work today and I was watching the boys. However, during the day I had a financial situation (I'd rather not give the details) that arose. I called my wife to talk about it. It was very stressful to me. She said that she was on her way back.

When she gets back she says to me. "I was thinking on the way home and I think that you should move back in because of the financial stress it is causing."
I was kinda shocked and she ask me how I felt about it. I agreed with the financial stress issue and agreed that it would help us get back on track. But I wasn't visibly overjoyed.
She then said "I thought you be happy about this."
I said something that I was, but I didn't want to feel she was only doing this because of financial pressures.

she said it wasn't only because of that. She said she thought the separation did it job of relieve stress and that we've learned a lot from it.

She also said that she would move into the spare room.

Okay, on one hand I am pleased because I really wanted to opportunity to move back in, but I wanted it to be because she wanted me back and not for other reasons.

However, part of me is just like no matter how it is happening, she did suggest I move back in. So just take that as a positive because I know there are situations where the W is willing to live with the financial stress.

Of course if I really evaluate it, she didn't have to offer this solution. Before she said it, it really wasn't on my mind as an option.

And then a small part of me wonders, if I can handle it. Then of course, getting use to living with another person also takes some time as well.

DBing, for me, was/is easier living apart. I mean it's easy to pine for something you can't have. then when you get it...you wonder if you really want it and/or are ready.

But I will at least have until the end of January. I have to give my landlord 30 days notice. Which I will probably do next week.

We leave Tuesday for a 7 day trip back home. (the home base of Dbing and MWD)


Thoughts?

While your W made allusions to things other than financial stress... you omitted she did not say "to work on the M".

So, IMHO:

IF you move back in, then it is for financial reasons. Your W will be a room mate. As she said, she'd be moving into the spare room.

Her moving into the spare room is her choice. She offered it. She did not suggest moving YOU into the spare room. Nuff said. Prolly no value mentioning to your W.

Without pressure, is there any way you feel you can communicate your concerns and any possible boundaries you might need, PRIOR to giving your landlord notice?