Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

I'll post more later but I had to put this somewhere before I sent it to her...

W emailed me today about a child custody website I emailed her weeks ago. We exchanged some emails about how we could probably set up something similar using Google and not have to pay the $200/year. That the site is really for parents who are at each other's throats and that we aren't that. Her comment was "Clearly we're not as bad as A LOT of families".

So in her last email she tossed in another good idea. Then included a sentence making it clear she intends to file in January (which I already knew). And at the end of her email she adds, "I'm just anxious to get this ball rollin..."

I wanted to respond, yes, so you and boy toy can hook up without me in the way. But I didn't. I simply acknowledged the idea she offered was a good one. That I understood she intended to file in January. I also replied that I didn't think we were bad at all. In hindsight.. I shouldn't have done that... I should've simply validated and moved on... instead I tried to counter her view. Have to be more cognizant of that...

And then I added:



And then I deleted all of that section before I replied. I really didn't want to... I really wanted to say that... but I don't think it would've been helpful or useful. And i don't think she'd care, so why bother?

Don't reply at all. Or, if you must say something, just say, "Sounds like a plan."

There was no reason for this contact at all. You sent her the link WEEKS ago.

You could have avoided all contact on this trip. DS's problem is not new or urgent. It could wait a few days.

You have a good opportunity to limit contact, make the best of the rest of the time. Aim for ZERO contact unless it is something TRULY urgent.

WHG,
You have offered me great advice in recent times and I hope I can do the same here...

First off I believe your response was spot on... its your son too and ultimately you need to co-parent regardless of your current situation.. so good job..

I have a h who outside of one day a week does not ask or make any contact regarding d, either to me or her, and has not spoken to sd since october..so when ever parents seem to still put the children first i cheer them..its the right thing to do!

You said that your kids dont know, but probably sense it.. or something close.. I thought this too in the begining so I initiated a meeting with d's teacher and asked if she had any problems in class or has said anything? the teacher knew everything however said that d was doing really well... there actually is a little support group the school has and the kids can talk to each other and a c if they want..

Overall I commend you for all you do, we are all here trying to just get through this and we all have good days and bad.. just breathing at times is difficult!

sounds like you said --you have not DBd well or consistently as of late...

ALMOST sounds like a conscious choice. Why make that choice? Are you just losing your grip on it? If so, get it back.




if it is about the children, I say answer it. If it is not urgent, WAIT and then answer it.

Usually it's a good idea for parents to have consistent approaches to discipline and to alert each other to new behaviors or acting out. So there is cause to respond at some point. For kid issues, I say answer.

Your first response probably won't be the right one b/c you will try to "Fix it" instead of just listening to her.

She may simply want to vent. LET HER....let her know you heard her. (You are allowed to ask her what she needs from you or how you can best support her.)

It is natural but not always helpful for men to think that "fixing" it is what we want. But usually it's not. In fact it can backfire, and here is why.

Suppose your w says she feels really bad about a mistake at work. Then you say "w, you should not feel bad. That 'mistake' was someone else's fault."

What she might hear, is you saying "You are wrong in your perception so you have nothing to feel badly about and therefore your feelings are in error too, and we will now stop wasting time on it. Let's talk about what I want to discuss = something else."

IN sum, you just shut her up, AND dismissed her bad feelings at the same time.

see how that isn't achieving your real goal or intent, but might be how she hears it?

"It is natural but not always helpful for men to think that "fixing" it is what we want. But usually it's not. In fact it can backfire, and here is why.

Suppose your w says she feels really bad about a mistake at work. Then you say "w, you should not feel bad. That 'mistake' was someone else's fault."

What she might hear, is you saying "You are wrong in your perception so you have nothing to feel badly about and therefore your feelings are in error too, and we will now stop wasting time on it. Let's talk about what I want to discuss = something else."

IN sum, you just shut her up, AND dismissed her bad feelings at the same time."

^^^^This!!!^^^^ is exactly what I have been struggling with!! A female friend told me just today me the same thing that 25 is describing. I always felt like I was being emotionally supportive of my W but in reality, I was doing exactly what 25 describes above. And, my W was very likely interpreting it the same was as 25 describes.

This doesn't work! Do what works!

Thanks 25... I do realize this... I realized it after I hit send on the email. And this was after I read and re-read the email at least 10 times. It just didn't click until I posted it here. Granted, the words were more directed at how I feel and not how she should feel, but I can see how they are related.

The last two days I have done better with not responding to the texts. Maybe the OM issue has helped with that, I don't know. I just don't respond unless it is related to the kids and then only if it is urgent. Today she texted me that she needs me to tell her what we still need to get the kids from their XMas lists, and that she would prefer I use email to do that. Also, that she doesn't need an answer until Wed or Thu. Ok... well then it's clearly not a priority so I didn't respond and will email her when I have the time.

It's really email/texting that is my downfall right now. When we are at home and she brings up topics I simply listen. I don't offer suggestions or fixes to her problems. I listen and validate. I can't even remember the last time I offered a suggestion during a conversation. In fact I've seen the
the value of not fixing... she was having problems accessing her EAP benefits at her workplace. I wanted to suggest she call my employer's EAP services, but I didn't. I just listened and agreed that her employer's EAP seemed difficult and unresponsive. A few days later she came to me and asked me for my employer's EAP contact info. I gave it without comment or judgement.

As far as it being easy but not complicated, I agree. BUT, it's a trained habit after seven years. See text, respond. Seven years of that is not easy to undo in three months. It takes practice and effort, and I will be the first to admit I have to get better at it. The last two days I would give myself and A on not responding at the drop of a hat... prior to that I would give myself an F or maybe a D.

I've read "How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and it really spoke to me, so I do get it. It's seems to only be in the written word that I fall down at this point. Which is odd because I have more time and space to review the written word versus the spoken. At the same time, I know when we are having conversation I am constantly engaged and actively reminding myself to validate, listen, don't judge, and don't solve. I need to find a way to do that in the other forms of communication as well.

And to 2TP... I have had that conversation with S's teacher. I've asked her at multiple intervals whether she's observed behavior changes in S, advised her that there are problems at home, and to please notify me of any changes right away so we can get ahead of them. Each time she has said she's noticed nothing different in S. I do worry that my position as a director on our Board of Education might make her scared to tell me that my S is acting out or otherwise having problems, but I can only control so much in life I guess.

@Oldtimer... you know what? That was my first instinct... to just ignore it and let it be. Let her bring it up in discussion if she wanted. I think I need to listen to my gut more... it's usually right or at least usually more in line with what folks think is best.

And thanks for coming back

Journaling... not much... only the email contact with W. Called kids tonight before bedtime and sang a song over the phone so S. SS and SD apparently are too old for songs I can only imagine what I looked like wandering in front Capitol Hill singing "This Little Light of Mine" Though considering the number of mentally ill folks wandering around the streets of DC, I probably wasn't the only one...

Could tell that SS and SD were bummed that mom didn't call from work tonight. Well, at least I called though I know that's a poor man's substitute.

Went to a reception and then to a bar with my assistant. Just about fell off my bar stool when my assistant told me she was a WAW. Holy crap. No kids, 30, married for six years... classic story. I just listened and validated. Tried some DBing on her Not that I think it will help... her STBX is doing all the wrong stuff and I don't know the guy so I can't really offer any help. I did tell her about my sitch... second person in the office to know. I figured she bared her soul I might as well bear mine. And, as we move closer to the April separation, anything that falls through the cracks will fall on her.

But it was crazy to find out... I never would've guessed.

Didn't hear back from W tonight, and didn't expect to.

Journaling... Had a brief email from W this morning... actually, it was pretty clear she was annoyed with me. She texted me yesterday asking what else the kids need for Xmas and she was going to go shopping on Wed or Thu to finish up. Since it wasn't a priority I didn't reply to the text. Then I just flat out forgot about it so I never got back to her. So this morning I get a polite, yet edgy email asking the same set of questions. I let it sit until the afternoon and emailed her back.

Her tone in email and text while I've been gone has been very formal and cold. No idea why... detaching, confused, who knows. But today's emails, after I got back to her in the afternoon, had little inside jokes in them. She confuses me.

Last night was really good... My assistant is the first person, besides my boss, that I've told about my sitch. And my boss isn't the type you really talk to about this much. Anyway, as I said last night my assistant is in the middle of her own D. So it was just good to be able to share with another person in the flesh as it were.

I can't really decide how I feel right now. The last few days I've been fine most of the time, really great for a while, and then despondent. The sadness seems to come in waves and I can't really figure out why. By this point in a week-long work trip I'm always ready to come home, miss the kids, miss my house, and miss my W. And all of that is still true... but part of me has liked not having to deal with W every day. Just torn I guess. I ended up at a street fair today where they had all sorts of gifts for sale. So many tents had jewelry and things my W would love. But this is the first trip I've taken where I won't be bringing anything home for her. I've debated whether that's the right tack, but I think it is. The gifts would just be seen as pursuing so only the kids get gifts this time. Which also has me bummed... the hunt for just the right something for my W was always one of the highlights of my trips for me.

I also have found that I need to keep reminding myself that I'm very early in this process. While it's just past 3 months since she dropped the bomb that's still really nothing in the timeline. It feels like I've been doing this for years already, but really it's a long road and I'm only just starting out.

I have to say right now that I see no chinks in her armor and nothing but a full head of steam from her heading towards D. The brain part of me knows that she won't show me any second thought anyway, so looking for them is pointless. I just need to keep living my life and getting on with it.

I do have to say that this weekend might just be the end of me... a little poor planning on my part Tomorrow I have class all day, then travel back home through airports for six hours, have to drive 2 hours from the airport to my house, then head to my volunteer gig because I long ago volunteered to chaperon an overnight lock-in for the older youth. I'll get home probably noonish on Saturday (after having been awake for 30 hours) and I'm quite sure S will want to spend time with me since he hasn't seen me for a week. Then S and I are going to spend all day Sunday together and go bowling, out to lunch, and in the evening we have a special church service where he is signing in the all ages choir.

"Her tone in email and text while I've been gone has been very formal and cold. No idea why... detaching, confused, who knows. But today's emails, after I got back to her in the afternoon, had little inside jokes in them. She confuses me."

WHG - why does her behavior confuse you? You are detaching this week and she is trying to pull you back with her emails. First formal and cold, then when that didn't work, little inside jokes. This is clearly a reaction to your detachment and you should mark that as a positive, small as it may be.

"I have to say right now that I see no chinks in her armor and nothing but a full head of steam from her heading towards D. The brain part of me knows that she won't show me any second thought anyway, so looking for them is pointless."

She is reacting to your detachment. That is a chink in my book.

Act is if, WHG. Act as if!